Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) (14 page)

He nodded, gave me a weak smile, and walked out.
No time for law review. I had things to do. I was in
sweats! How did these things always happen to me? I
needed a consultation, and quick. Astoria hated John.
Suse wouldn’t understand. And anyway things had been
tense between the three of us since the night of the club
incident. There was only one option left.

I ran to my car and tore out of the school parking lot. Was I really about to ask Tia for advice? I didn’t have to
worry over whether she was home or not. Tia didn’t have
Tuesday classes and she didn’t leave the apartment if she
didn’t have to.

I
careened into my parking space, grabbed my laptop
and shoulder bags, and sprinted up the two steps leading
to our front door. I burst in and Tia looked at me with
narrowed and concerned eyes.

“What are you doing home?” She looked worried as I
fell onto the sofa next to her.

“I need some advice,” I said, jumping back up. I
darted to my bathroom to plug in my flat iron and
ripped the baseball cap off my head.

Tia followed, no doubt curious.

“John kissed me.”

“What?” Tia had the same reaction that I had had.

“Yeah, and he told me he broke up with Sasha and we
have to talk,” I said, hurrying to my room with Tia on
my heels.

“So . . . you’re gonna meet him.”

“I have to, right? I have to find out what this is all
about,” I said, pushing jeans out of the way, trying to
find the pair I wanted in my closet.

“Well . . .”

“Don’t be Astoria. Or Suse,” I said, shooting an accu
satory glance at her before heading to my chest of
drawers.

“Just don’t expect too much. And be cool. Don’t let him see you like this,” Tia said. “And don’t wear that.”

I sighed, tossing an orange sweater aside. I looked up at Tia, who was handing me a pair of jeans. Hm. Better than the ones I couldn’t find.

“So, what should I do?” I asked, taking a pair of ear
rings and a necklace from Tia.

“
Just act pissed off no matter what. Let him know he’s
been a fool. Be an ass to him like he’s been to you,” Tia said, coming over with my makeup kit. This was good.
Makeup was one of the few things she didn’t screw up.

“Okay,” I said, closing my eyes so she could apply eye
shadow. “I do hate him, so that should be easy.”

“No, you don’t.”

I laughed. “No, I don’t. But I should.”

“You definitely should. So did you tell Astoria and Suse?”
“Are you kidding?”

“I didn’t think so. All done,” Tia said, handing my lip
gloss to me. I went over to my full-length mirror to apply
it while she went to find me a sweater.

“I know they’re just trying to look out for me, but
they’re driving me crazy. I’m twenty-four. I can look out
for myself, thank you,” I said, heading back to the bath
room to smooth out my edges. I took a moment to
admire the job Tia had done with my makeup before
picking up my flat iron. She’d used the warm tones,
which looked best on me.

“Yeah, I know,” Tia said. She stood in the doorway. “Your sweater’s on the bed.”

“Okay,” I said, rubbing oil onto my scalp. “You think
I’m crazy?”

“Yes.” She laughed.

I grinned. It didn’t make sense to me, either, but I had
to go talk to him. Guys didn’t just grab you and kiss you
every day. Guys who had broken up with their hot, near-
model girlfriends for apparently no reason.
Especially
those guys.

* * *

John waited for me outside of our classroom after
Evidence.

“You look nice,” he said with a tentative smile.

I simply nodded even though inside I was eating up his compliment. “Where do you want to go?”

He shrugged.

“Just pick a place. I have a lot to do today. ”

“How about that coffee shop? The one near
Carytown we went to a few times?”

I didn’t say a word the whole way to his car or on the
drive to the coffee shop. He kept glancing at me nerv
ously. I wasn’t giving him any encouragement to talk. He
was the one who had wanted to meet. I just hoped it
wouldn’t be like the last time he wanted to talk. But,
things were shaping up to be different this time. I was just wondering how different.

We got to the place, ordered and picked a table. John
went up to get our coffee when it was ready.

“So?” I took a sip of my latté.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been a jackass and I know that doesn’t
begin to cover the explanation I owe you. But I’ll start
with the short answer. I was afraid of what I felt—well,
feel—for you.”

“Huh?” He was going to have to explain better than
that.

“I know that sounds stupid. But listen. Denise, I’ve
liked you ever since I first saw you in Evidence. You’re
funny. Pretty. Smart. I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“You mean black?”

He laughed. “No, I don’t mean black. I know. I don’t
really hang around a lot of black people. And it’s one of
the things that intimidated me. I’m trying to explain.
Don’t make that face. I know I’m doing a bad job, but just hear me out.

“At first, I made up that excuse about studying. And the more time I spent around you, the more I wanted to
be with you. But I felt like it was wrong. I had a girl
friend. We’re really different people. Please, just let me
finish before you say anything. We are. You know we are.

“My parents have always been weird about the type of
girls I bring home. I knew they’d like Sasha. I think part
of the reason I was with her so long was because it was
easy with her and with them—”

“You were with her because she’s hot,” I interrupted,
rolling my eyes.

John sighed. He reached across the table and touched
my arm. I hated the way he could make my heart stop with one touch.

“Yes. She’s hot. To deny that would be stupid, but
she’s not what I wanted. I had never found what I wanted
until I met you. You complicated things,” John said. He
paused, took a deep breath and looked up into my eyes.
“I was going to propose to Sasha this Christmas. My par
ents would have been thrilled.

“Anyway, it was hard for me to realize that my feelings
for you were not going to go away. And harder to realize
I didn’t want them to. At first, I tried to pretend you
weren’t interested. Then I couldn’t pretend anymore
b
ecause I could see it was mutual. Then I tried to make myself think you weren’t the right type of girl for me. But
the truth is, I’m just not good enough for you. I’ve never
been.

“You don’t care about what people think. You do
what you want to do. You see people. You want to be
around them because you see who they really are and you
like them. Not for who they are and what they can do for
you. Most of the people in my life before you treated me
like an asset and not a person.

“You have a good personality and such a good heart.
You’re the type of person I want to be. The type of person
I want to be with. Because you make me better, despite
how hard I try to resist it.

“I have no reason to believe you’d want to be with me
after how I’ve acted. Or even that you’d want to be my
friend. But I want to be with you. I can’t hide it anymore.
And I don’t want to.”

I was speechless. I sat there with my mouth hanging
open and no Astoria there to close it for me.

“But Sasha was here last week.” I sounded like an
idiot. Why couldn’t anything witty and cutting and per
fect come out of my mouth? I should have made him feel like he had me feel that night I went to his house after the
karaoke competition. And then walked out, leaving him
there feeling stupid. But the only part of me I could move
was my mouth, and, obviously, I could barely move that.

“Yeah. Yeah, she was. And that’s what made me see I
couldn’t do it anymore. After a weekend of her parading
around and treating me like I was tradable on the stock m
arket, I pretty much knew it was over. I kept looking at her and trying to find a good reason why I was trying to
save our relationship, but I couldn’t come up with one. I
realized just how shallow our whole relationship had
been. Nothing she did made me feel the way you make
me feel.

“But I was still reluctant to call it quits. She was my first serious girlfriend. I mean, I kept thinking there had
to be some reason I spent three years with her besides her
being fun to hang out with and we liked to do a lot of the
same stuff. I kept trying to find reasons to be in love with
her, and I couldn’t. It’s scary to realize you don’t love someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with just a few weeks earlier.

“Then, after Sasha got back to Boston, my mom
called to tell me all about how Sasha had come over and
they had talked about Sasha’s weekend here. Then my mom started dropping hints about how nice it would be
to have her for a daughter-in-law. And telling me about this family heirloom she wanted me to give my fiancée
when I picked someone. Even though I was going to pro
pose, I got kinda pissed. I started realizing how truly sick I was of having my life planned out for me. Right down
to my wife. A wife I don’t love.

“So, I called Sasha after I got off the phone with my
mom and ended it. She didn’t take it well. She threatened to come back down here this weekend,” John said.

“It’s Thanksgiving break. She could see you in a day
or so,” I said. Why couldn’t I have at least scrounged up
some sarcasm?

“
Yeah. I pointed that out to her and that she had just
been here two days ago,” John said. “But then I finally
had to admit to her I wasn’t coming home for
Thanksgiving and she said she was coming here.”

“You’re not going home for Thanksgiving?”

“Nah. I don’t go home a lot,” John said, toying with
his coffee cup. “The last time I was home was early last
summer. I spent most of the summer in Bucharest, and other random places in Eastern Europe.”

“Don’t they miss you?”

John waved his hand in front of him in a way connoting his lack of concern. “I’ll see them at Christmas.”

I wondered about his answer, but I didn’t push him.

“You still haven’t told me what you think about any
of this, Denise. Do you want to be with me? Come on, fill me in.”

“John, this is too much. I mean, you’ve been acting so
shady lately.”

“I explained all of that to you. Don’t make this more
complicated than it is. I know you’re pissed. I know
you’re hurt. But I can’t fix it unless you let me. Tell me
how you feel about me. If you don’t want me, I’m gone.”

I almost laughed. Yeah. Right. That was why I’d been
having seven different kinds of fits daily. But could I trust
him?

“Stop it. You know I want you and you’re loving it,”
I said, breaking away from him and picking up my
coffee. It was cold. I drank it anyway.

He laughed, looking relieved.

“So am I coming to meet the fam?” he asked.

I
choked on my latté. “What?” I rasped, reaching for
a napkin. “I’m going home tomorrow. We started dating
two minutes ago.”

“But we’ve known each other since August. We’ve wanted to be together since then. Oh, don’t even try it.
You know we have.”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight.”

“You don’t have to love someone to want to be with
them.”