Love Nouveau (32 page)

“He told me his biggest regret beyond cheating on my mom was not going after her the day we left. He realizes he should have gotten up and followed us right out the door, refused to let us walk out of his life.” He takes a moment to reflect introspectively.

“I will not do what he did. I’m not going to spend a life of regret and I don’t want to lose you for good. I will not sit back idly and go down without a fight.” The intensity in his eyes blazes right through me, leaving a burning trail of ash and smoke in its wake. “If you’re leaving, Ivy, I’m following. If you go, I go with you. I’m trusting my instinct for once. I refuse to live a life without you. My heart, my instinct … it has to be enough. It just has to.”

My eyes grow wide as I slowly begin to process what he’s insinuating.

An ember deep inside reignites and words fail me.

Slowly, he guides me into the chair and crouches down in front of me, looking up at me with sad, hopeful eyes. He’s practically on his knees before me, begging.

“Phoenix, I…” Tears begin to pool in my eyes and my heart is on the verge of exploding.

“Ivy, the hardest thing to do in life is figure out what it is that you want and then having the courage to say it aloud.” My pulse quickens. I look down to see my hands shaking. He hesitates for a moment then reaches out, taking them in his palms. His thumbs tenderly trace the inside of my hands.

“It’s you that I want, Ivy. Only you. You’re perfect.”

After all the drama and hurt, it’s me that he wants? After seeing me hit rock bottom. Seeing me completely lose it. After I’ve pushed him away again and again. After knowing that I am not just damaged goods—I am completely and eternally ruined. After all this, it’s still me?

“That is, of course, if you’ll have me…” he trails off softly.

I want to ask him why but my mind says something completely different.

“I’m hardly perfect.” I need him to see the real me. I want him to hate me as much as I hate myself. “I’ve done all sorts of horrible things. And I have a long history of hurting people. I even slept with Matt … I mean, I didn’t
really
sleep with him … well, I did … but I stopped him and—”

“Stop it, Ivy!”

I look down at my fingers. I have gnawed my nails down to my cuticle beds the past few days. He repositions himself below me so he catches my gaze once more.

“All of that, it doesn’t matter. You’re perfect to me. You’re perfect
for
me. And I love you enough to let you be imperfect.”

Phoenix’s words seep into my soul and I slide off the chair and into his lap before the floodgates open. I bury my face into his neck and I don’t care that I’m making a spectacle of myself. I need this man more than Rembrandt needed his paintbrush. His breath hitches subtly and he wraps his arms around my so tight I can hardly breathe. His chest shakes against mine and the tears start to fall.

“You love me?” I croak between sobs.

He pulls back and takes me by my shoulders, looking directly into my eyes with a silent smile. If I listen closely, I know there is a voice that doesn’t use words; a love that silently screams to be explored and nurtured.

“I know we’ve only just met, and have barely spent any time in each other’s presence, but I
know
you. I know the you that nobody else does. I know how you would eat breakfast food for every meal if you could. I know that no matter how much you think you hate your parents, you secretly enjoy being your dad’s baby girl and you would never admit that out loud. And I know that you murmur to yourself in your sleep, and it sounds as if you’re singing a lullaby. It feels like I’ve known you a lifetime. And knowing you like I know you is to love you completely.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything before. My heart has been threaded to yours since that night in Madison. You breathed fresh life into me and awakened me in every sense of the word. And when I thought I’d lost you last week, when you refused to talk to me … God, Ivy. I was wrecked. I never want to feel that way again. Ever.”

His words spear right through my heart and my pulse starts flying fast. I take a deep breath in an attempt to slow it down. For the first time ever, I am part of a relationship that isn’t measured by what I have, but rather by why I give. And I want nothing more than to give Phoenix the peace that his heart deserves. In order to heal, I need to let him in deeper. I’m ready to surrender.

Phoenix’s expression is a cross between pleading for mercy and somber confidence. I press my forehead to his and close my eyes, committing this moment to memory.

“You are going to be the death of me,” I whisper.

He sucks in a sharp breath and I open my eyes to meet his.

“Good. Because once you find what you love, you need to let it consume you and then completely kill you. I dare you to find someone who needs you more than I do. Who wants you more than I do. Who loves you more than I do. I dare you, Ivy.”

I pull back and look right through him. I can feel his honesty, his pleading in my bones. He’s right. I know I won’t find anyone else like him. Phoenix has already proven that when things get tough, he isn’t going anywhere. We may fight, and I may cry and try to kick him out of my life, but he will hold me and dry my tears. Even when we are angry with each other, he still cares. Of this, I am now certain.

“What about your father? The project you’re supposed to lead? You’re just giving everything up?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper.

“We’ll be okay. He wants me to follow my heart. He knows the importance of finding love, the real thing, and never letting go no matter how many times I may manage to fuck things up. As for my job? Eh, there will be others. My mom always told me that life is too short. I know she’d be proud that I’m following my heart. I just hope I can do her proud and not fuck things up even more.”

Wryly, I smile to myself and shake my head. “Just shut up, Phoenix. You can’t possibly fuck things up between us.”

I see a hint of confusion mar his beautiful, stubborn face milliseconds before my lips crash into his. I pull him tight, fisting his hair, choking back tears and devouring him like he’s my final meal. I kiss him for all of the kisses lost to distance, to stupidity, to jealousy, and rage. I kiss him to drain myself of all the hurt and self-deprecation I’ve been harboring and fill myself with the one thing that will keep me going day in and day out—hope.

Pulling back, a shy smile plays his lips. I smile back, finally coming to terms with what I’ve been feeling.

“I love you too.”

And for the first time in my life I mean those three little words with every fiber of my being.

The gate agent announces the boarding call for our flight to LaGuardia. Phoenix stands, fishing his ticket from his pocket, and I’m struck with the realization that he’s coming with me today. In a few moments, he is going to take my hand and walk down the jetway with me.

We are starting over.

Together.

I stand to meet his gaze and reach up, connecting my lips to his once more. Each kiss we share is better than the one before. We are lost in each other, only breaking apart when the gate agent is calling us both by name. In what felt like mere seconds, all of the passengers have boarded.

I don’t know where we’re headed once we land in New York. But I know that I’m strong enough to overcome all of its bullshit as long as Phoenix is next to me.

As he reaches for my hand, I note that the heat I hold in my palm still burns brightly, slowly, and passionately. And like our undeniable, unwavering connection it shows no sign of extinguishing.

WE HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN FLYING for twenty minutes before Ivy falls asleep on my shoulder. I’m amazed she is able to calm herself with all of the turbulence that threw down during takeoff. Usually, I’m not nervous to fly, but for a moment I seriously thought we were all going to be goners. How fittingly tragic that would have been for us.

With everything Ivy has gone through the past few weeks, it wouldn’t surprise me if she slept until winter. She is clearly exhausted. I watch her chest slowly rise and fall, purring like a kitten as she softly snores. Even with that tiny crease of worry between her eyebrows, this is the first time since the moment I laid eyes on her that she actually looks at peace with her life.

And I’m the lucky bastard who gets to be a part of it.

I suppose it’s a miracle I’m even sitting here next to her right now. I know that I wouldn’t have forgiven me. And technically she hasn’t forgiven me, but she didn’t cast me to the wayside at the airport gate, so I’ve got that going for me. We’ll get there eventually. We’re just going to have to work through it all, come to peace with the bullshit and figure out how to move forward. Together.

When Ivy pushed me away at Rachel’s apartment a few days ago, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t talk to Sully about it, and all the guys who were up for the wedding wouldn’t believe what happened even if they lived it, so I shoved my pride aside, picked up the phone, and heard my dad’s voice for the first time in years. I probably stared at his number for a good hour before growing a pair and hitting call. I told myself that if my mother could find it in herself to forgive the man who completely annihilated her heart, I owed it to her to at least try.

And try I will. It’s just going to take some time. Maybe one day I’ll get to that point. Just not today.

When I showed up to Rachel’s apartment this morning, she was more tight-lipped on Ivy’s whereabouts than the Gestapo. I had to convince her to tell me where she ran off to, which meant I had to confess how pathetically head over heels in love I am with her best friend. My admission left her in a puddle of emotion in her doorway as I sprinted to O’Hare with nothing but the clothes on my back and bought a ticket for the first flight to New York City. Before she left, she had to know how I felt—even if it wasn’t reciprocated. I raced around the terminal aimlessly looking for her before retreating to my departing gate in defeat. And by sheer, dumb luck I ended up on the same flight as her. I just knew I couldn’t let her slip through my grasp, especially after hearing Dad talk about his regrets.

I never thought I’d say this, but the old man is right. He said, “Even though your mother is gone, I have never stopped loving her. I love her more today than yesterday. And I love her less today than how much I will love her tomorrow. You see, son, as you get older you learn that time will make a fool out of everyone. But in the end, only love will make a fool out of time.”

I immediately understood what he meant and I knew I couldn’t waste another damn second of my life.

When I told him more about Ivy, and what is arguably the biggest laundry list of fuck-ups in the history of fuck-ups,
he
was the one to push me to go after her. The man I’ve grown to loathe helped me realize that I had to throw caution to the wind and chase after her. In a split second, I have managed to flip my life around on its head. Was it hard to walk away from the freelancing project? Abso-fucking-lutely, but I didn’t second-guess myself. Sure, it would have been some damn good money. But there will be other jobs down the line; however, there will never be another Ivy. I have to prove to her that she is the one for me and I will not back down easily. After all, relationships are a game of high stakes poker—you have to be willing to risk everything and go all in; otherwise there is no way you can ever win big.

I have no clue if Sully ended up marrying that bitch; although those horrible assholes deserve each other. I haven’t seen him since I left the hospital, but looking back I should have killed the motherfucker when I had the chance.

As I flex my hand, I wince at the stiffness in my knuckles and the burning sensation when I clench it back into a fist. My skin is a blend of watercolors—faded shades of green and purple and blue pulled taut over sinew and bone. I think back to Sully’s face and the satisfaction that raged through my body as I delivered each blow and I know it was totally worth it. I just wish I could have done more damage.

No. I wish I could have protected her from him.

What really needs to happen is for Ivy to press charges. Fuck his future up real good and make that sick son of a bitch pay. We’ll have to talk about that sometime soon.