Love Me Like That (27 page)

“And where do you sleep?” Kegan says just before popping an overly large bite of pie into his mouth.

My jaw clenches uncontrollably, and my left eye ticks periodically with my pulse.
Fucker
.

“How did you meet?” My Aunt Diana asks thinking she’s saving me from Kegan’s questions when she’s actually only making it worse.

Kegan drops his fork on his plate loudly and sits backs far in his chair. “Oh, I love this part of the story.”

Once again every head turns to me. Weeks ago I would have been drunk and thrown a fit about them being in my business and not letting me live my life how I saw fit, but I love them, Kegan I’m no longer sure about, and I need them in my life.

“London’s car broke down near the cabin.” I look at Kegan with pleading in my eyes hoping he takes mercy on me. He sits up straighter and nods slightly, accepting that I’d had enough.

“That’s a beautiful name,” my mother says with a wide smile.

“We’d love to meet her someday son,” my father includes.

The conversation shifts back to safer territory, and I couldn’t be happier. Not a totally terrible way to introduce the idea of London in my life. Everyone seems receptive to the idea of me seeing someone. I wondered how their reactions would be since Savannah was such a large part of all of their lives for so long as well.

I did my best not to be a little sad when Kadin told me he had a meeting this evening. I have no right to dictate anything he does, but I was still disappointed to see him leave. I tried sitting on the couch and reading, but I just wasn’t feeling it.

Eventually, I went to the bedroom and fired up my laptop. I hadn’t been on it in forever. I was both amazed and grateful that for some reason Kadin didn’t have a password for his internet. I need to talk to him about that once he gets home; it’s not very safe especially for a man as wealthy as he obviously is.

I do my best to stay away from Amazon. I have hundreds of books on my eReader and have no business ordering any more, plus I have to be frugal since I’m jobless right now. I get on social media and shut down my accounts. There’s no one on there I care to hear from again, and I hardly used it back in Great Falls anyway. I don’t even look at the notifications and messages before deactivating.

Next on my list of things to clean is my email. I need to get a new one, but there are some things I want to transfer over. I slowly begin making my way through my emails and write down which ones I will need later. This process takes more time than I thought I’d be spending and eventually I just start clicking up the line to delete them all.

I include the emails sent from Trent. There are none from Keira which is surprising and for a split second I wonder if they are together now. I shake my head to clear the thought because honestly I wake up every morning beside an amazing man. I’d rather be here not knowing exactly where I stand than living a lie with Trent.

My blood runs cold when I get to an app reminder. One that would’ve been sent to my phone. The very same phone I tossed in the trash at the café we stopped at on our way back from the cabin. My heart is racing as I shift my finger and position the mouse over the ‘Don’t Forget to Track’ subject line. I click on it and close my eyes until I have the courage to open them, even though my mind is already racing. Slowly I open my eyes, and I’m welcomed by a picture of a pretty white and pink flower. The email reminds me to track my cycle on the app, and since I didn’t track two days ago, they assume I'm just forgetful. It goes further to ask if I’m having trouble using the app and gives me a reply email to contact should I need help.

Should have tracked.

Two days ago.

I’m not two days late tracking. I’m two days late. My ‘here practically the exact same hour every month’ period is nowhere to be seen. I go into the bathroom and tug down my yoga pants. Nothing. I sit down on the toilet and wipe, hoping for even a pink tinge or discoloration. Nothing.

I’m near tears by the time I leave the bathroom and get dressed. There’s a CVS just down from the apartment, and I bundle up to face the frigid cold outside. I do it merely out of habit because I’m certain the cold wouldn’t even register on my skin with the level of shock my system is in.

The wall of pregnancy tests is daunting at best. There have to be over a dozen kinds to choose from. I go with the one with two in the box that literally reads ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’ for the results. I don’t remember making it back to the apartment. I don’t remember opening the package and peeing on the stick. Yet I hold in my hand the white stick, PREGNANT taunting me from the tiny little window on the front.

A tear rolls down my face. Then another. And another.

Sick of looking at the evidence of my carelessness I toss the test in the trash and shove the box with the additional one in one of the drawers near the sink. I run cold water into the basin and splash it on my face. I shake my hands in front of me when I notice how much they are trembling. It doesn’t help, and the tremors continue. I honestly have no idea how Kadin is going to take this news. I have to tell him. I won’t keep something like this from him, even though it may destroy whatever is building between us.

For some reason the realization that I never went to the clinic after leaving Trent slams into my head. This situation lasts a lifetime, whereas most STDs can be cured with antibiotics. The disgusting thought hits my head without provocation, and then I gasp.

I go back to my laptop and run my finger over the mouse area, waking it up. I click on the link in the email that directs me to the online page and open my cycle calendar. I collapse on the floor when my suspicions are confirmed. Most fertile day of the cycle was two Saturdays ago. The same day I woke up and had sex with Trent in the shower and ended my day by having sex with Kadin.

The baby has to be Trent’s, right? The thought of that turns my stomach more than the idea of having to tell Kadin I’m pregnant. I used condoms with Kadin.
Not the first couple of times
, my head reminds me. He pulled out.
Not the first night
, it tells me again. I clench my eyes shut and think about the morning after I woke up from that first night at the cabin. If I concentrate enough, I can still feel his semen snaking down the inside of my thighs.

What have I done? It’s hard enough to explain an unplanned pregnancy to a guy you’ve got no clue where you stand with him. Nearly impossible to do that and tack on the fact that you’re pretty much a whore and slept with two guys within sixteen hours of each other. I decide at some point sitting there on the floor of the bedroom that he needs to know. I can’t control how he reacts, but it’s not fair to him to leave him in the dark. The longer I wait, the worse it will be.

My nerves are fried by the time I hear the front door unlock and shut behind Kadin. He’s returned from his meeting and for the first time since that awkward first morning after I feel mild trepidation at seeing him.

He looks for me the second he gets home, just like he does every day. I have barely enough time to stand from the floor and plaster the best smile I can find before he’s in front of me.

“Hey,” he says walking into the room. He holds up red and white bags. “I grabbed Chinese. I didn’t know if you’d eaten yet.”

He’s thoughtful, always making sure my needs are met and the realization that I may lose him after I speak the words he may not want to hear almost has me collapsing on the floor again.

“Perfect,” I croak. I clear my throat and hope he doesn’t ask about my weirdness because even I can tell I’m failing at acting like my normal self. “Let’s eat at the table,” I offer with a slightly better tone.

I don’t know if it is just what I was struggling with or if something else is going on, but Kadin seems skittish and pensive as well. Dinner is spent quietly at the dining room table with little to practically no conversation at all. I decide I’m going to tell him tonight as we lay in bed together, hoping he’s more receptive to the news while I’m in his arms.

He tells me he’s going to catch up on highlights from tonight’s games and heads into the living room. I’m on edge, and he seems to be on edge as well. I don’t want to be under the microscope any more than I can imagine he does so I leave it alone and head to the bedroom to change into pajamas.

I’m slipping my t-shirt over my head when I hear a knock at the door. The last time someone knocked on the door it was Savannah’s twin Sierra. A chill runs up my spine as I walk to the door. It’s cracked and I’m in no form with my pajamas on to see anyone who may come visit him, but I’m curious. I lean in close to the door and listen as Kadin answers.

“I told you not to come here anymore,” I hear Kadin say in a hushed tone. “You need to leave.”

“I need you, Kadin.” That voice. That husky voice filled with seduction makes my heart stop. Sierra.

“We talked about this. You can’t come here.”

“Is it because of that whore you moved in?” She hisses. “I love you, Kadin. I need you with me, not her!” I can tell just by her tone she’s growing agitated.

“Fuck.” I hear Kadin grunt in frustration. “Wait down by the damn truck.” I hear the door close.

I make it across the room and step into the walk-in closet when I hear the bedroom door open all the way. I stiffen when I feel his arms wrap around me from behind. My heart is pounding in my ears and when he says, “I hate to leave again, but I have something I’ve got to take care of down at the office.” All I can do is nod my head slightly in understanding as he kisses the back of my head and leaves me standing there to go be with Sierra.

I knew the bullshit I pulled after Savannah died was going to come back and bite me in a big way. I also knew I had a million different things to fix and should’ve started exactly where I ended up tonight rather than just hoping it would go away. I spoke with Sierra on the phone after London told me she stopped by the past week, and she had me convinced that she’d agreed what we’d done in the past was detrimental to both of us and not something we should continue. I hadn’t seen her in months until she showed up at the condo tonight.

I got her back to her house without incident which in and of itself is progress where Sierra is concerned.

“I don’t understand,” she sobs and wipes her nose with a Kleenex.

“We talked about this, Sierra. I’m trying to get my life back on track.” I’m doing my best at keeping my calm but we’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, and all we’re doing is talking in circles. I’m growing frustrated which is the last thing that helps with unstable people.

“I love you, Kadin. We can get on track together.”

I close my eyes and take a calming breath. “I’m still in your life, Sierra. I’m not going anywhere, but we can’t be together like that.”

Eventually, she nods in fake understanding. This is how she works. She throws a fit and then when she doesn’t get her way she pretends that she’s going to act in the way she’s expected to. She never does. I excuse myself and leave the room. Firing off a text to her parents explaining they once again needed to come and look after her. I can’t keep fighting this battle. Each time she gets this way she ends up hospitalized. Her mother is her Power of Attorney so she’ll be the best one to get her into a facility. She’s obviously not been taking her medications as prescribed, if at all.

The text comes back immediately that they’ll be there shortly. I join Sierra on the couch and play along with her as she talks about mundane stuff like shopping and a class she’s thinking about taking at the local community college.