Love Me ~ Like That (34 page)

Journal Entry:
Right now, I feel like a vise has been wrapped around my heart and is tightening as each minute passes. I feel so alone and hurt all over. Why did I have to be so stupid?

I’m angry that Cash didn’t listen to my explanation. This could have been solved so easily. I won’t accept that this is over. It can’t be. He is the only person who can get in my head and fix it. The dull ache inside intensifies with each breath I take. The constriction is so tight I feel like blood is no longer coursing through my body. I feel like something has died in my chest. Maybe my heart? Is it possible for your heart to actually die? My heart might officially be dead. The horrific part is the whole mess is my fault. I have no one to blame other than myself. I nailed my coffin shut all by myself this time.

I’m like a book that has been highlighted with all its mistakes. It has bad reviews and needs to be rewritten. The pages are crumbled and ripped and lay scattered, begging to be put back together. No one can read the words because the paper is soaked with tears, and the ink is smeared. Cash can make the book whole again. He is the editor. He knows how to overhaul the passages. Only he doesn’t want to read the story. No one can read me except Cash. He can save us. But he has thrown us into a fire due to my flaws.

I’m not sitting around here while the man I love decides we are over. I’m going to fight with every ounce of courage I have. I’m not giving up on us, and I’m not going let him either. I believe we have something that doesn’t come around often. I can’t imagine losing him.

I put my journal away because I can’t write anymore. Cash loves me. Not only does he tell me, but he shows me time and time again. A lot people base love on how much sex they have. Making love is the most intimate thing you can share and is as essential in a relationship as trust, honesty, respect and all of the building blocks required to construct a healthy bond. We have a connection that goes beyond sex. You can have sex with anyone. What I have with Cash is based on what I love about him as a person. Who he is on the inside. What you would call his character. Who he is as a person is as important as the sex. If you don’t love a person’s character, too, then all the sex in the world won’t make your relationship work. I’ve never had this type of relationship before with anyone else. I’m only twenty-two and maybe I wasn’t supposed to have these kind of feelings before. But now, I’ve met my soulmate. Enough of this moping, I need to pull myself together.

These miserable sappy songs I’m listening to make my heartache worse. They have to go. No more doleful country songs. I turn on some pop which is bound to give me a pick up. Crap! Taylor Swift comes on and she doesn’t know if she is country or pop. I press next, Maroon 5. There we go. I’m going to get up and get moving to the beat. Perk myself right up so when the time comes to talk to Cash, I’m ready. Sugar comes on and even though it’s kind of a breakup song, it’s so upbeat, I’m a little more energized.

Then one of my favorite indie artists, Falyn, comes on my playlist. She has this great bluesy voice. She soothes my soul. She makes think a little deeper.

I hear a soft knock at my door. “Come in.” I turn off my music and sit up on the bed.

Cash comes in, and my heart drops to my stomach.

“Can we go talk somewhere, please?” He holds out his hand to me. I will go anywhere he wants me to go.

I take his hand and give him a kiss, “I’m so sorry, Cash, I was wrong. Thank you for everything you have done for me and my family. I’m truly blessed to have you in my life, and I won’t ever forget that. Never. Again.” I kiss him a little deeper and his hands go into my hair, I can feel the tension leaving my body.

“Come on, Baby Doll. Let’s go talk.”

He takes my hand again and leads me out of the house. We walk across the road and get in the truck. I was hoping we would just go to the barn and make up but it can’t be that easy. We drive around for a little bit and listen to some music. Cash pulls in to a park. I love this place. There are hiking trails, a playground and a grassy area by a pond. He takes a blanket out of the back of the truck after he helps me down from the cab. We head out to the pond. Night is falling, and shadows are dancing on the water. He wraps the blanket around us then he sits, bringing me into his lap. We are facing the water, and I see the tiny ripples made by the wind. I lean back into him, and we spend a while in the stillness. Tranquility washes over me. I turn and I see it has him, too.

A leaf floats down every now and then. We are having a late fall. The full limbs of the trees on the other side of the pond are evidence. The reds, oranges, and yellows make the trees look like flowers. The trees give me hope because even though all their leaves fall and lose their beauty, they are preparing for a new set. Even though we have gone through this difficulty, maybe we are only preparing for our own new beginning.

We put our foreheads together. Sometimes, I guess you don’t have to say anything at all to make everything right.

“Bailey, I’m sorry, too. I have been meaning to tell you mom and I were paying for all of the expenses, but the time never seemed right. I love you. If you can forgive me, I’ll spend a lifetime showing you how much you mean to me. If the way we spend our time defines who we are, then I want to spend my time making love to you. You are who I am and all I ever want to be. You make me a better man, and I hope I make you a better person too. I promise from here on out, I will tell you everything. No more keeping secrets.”

He gets me in my heart every time. You’d never think this big, strong man wouldn’t be so good with sentimental words.

“Cash, I promise to not let my temper get the best of me. I promise to come to you and tell you when you piss me off. As long as we fight every once in a while, it means we still have something worth fighting for.” Gee, that didn’t sound as pretty as his speech.

He kisses my forehead.

I never thought a kiss on the forehead could make you feel so loved. We sit here, happy to be with each other for another ten minutes. “Cash, can we go back to the barn now?”

A wide grin spreads across his face.

“Isn’t the best part of fighting all the making up?” I give him a tiny smile.

“That sounds like a brilliant idea. This time, we’ll let hay get in your hair. You can explain that to your Granny.”

We stand up and he pops my butt.

I turn, jump up wrapping my legs around his waist and give him a proper make up kiss.

“You kiss me like that again and we won’t make it back to the barn.”

“I don’t want anyone else to ever have your kisses. They’re all mine.”

“I don’t want you wrapped in another’s arms. Your body is all mine to hold and cherish.”

I think he must be a descendant of Romeo because he always knows the right words to say to melt me into a puddle. He walks back to the truck with me wrapped around him and I give him kisses all over his face.

“Bailey, I can’t see where I’m going.” He laughs.

“Does it really matter as long as we are together?”

“Yes, we need to get to the barn. Now.”

Yay for makeup sex!

Today is the charity event for Clay’s ranch. He is doing a name reveal and having all kinds of activities set up for kids with disabilities. From one spectrum to the next, he loves these kids and just wants to help as many as he can. He thinks he has at least one activity that each kid will like. If not, maybe they will like just being around the horses and learning how to groom them. If all else fails, he said they can play in the dirt. He seems to have it all organized down to a science.

The November air is crisp, just the way I like it. Bailey wants me to cuddle with her more. With the nippy weather, the girls have on University of Alabama hoodies, hounds-tooth printed gloves and matching scarves. They do look cute, but I’m not sure if they dressed for warmth or to make a fashion statement, I’m just glad Bailey didn’t cover her ass with a bulky coat. I would hate to miss one of my favorite parts of her body, all day.

We arrive at the ass crack of dawn. The girls have dozed off, but the crunch of the gravel under my tires wakes them up.

“Why?” Lizzie whines.

“It’s for a good cause,” Bailey says.

“Oh, I know that. But why? Why does it have to be so early?”

Lizzie complains, but I don’t think she means it. She has a tough exterior, but in there somewhere is the true Lizzie. She has to be peeled back layer by layer for her heart to show. Besides, she and Bailey were raised together. They have to be a little alike because I know for a fact that my girl has a huge heart.

Clay has a group of people here today that will be volunteering with him on a weekly basis. Several professionals who will be using the facilities for therapy with their patients will be here too. I watch him as I walk up, and I feel a sense of pride. We didn’t grow up as brothers, but I’m glad we are in each other’s life now. “Hey, Clay, where do you want us?”

He looks up from hanging a sign on a fence post and waves a friendly hello.

“Hi, guys. I can’t thank y’all enough for all of your help and support. Bailey, you doing our accounting for us will save us a lot of money.” He gives Bailey a hug and picks her up off the ground as he does it. “Lizzie, you look mighty fine this morning. Damn, I’m glad I’m not blind. Could I tempt you in joining me for a cup of coffee?”

Lizzie rolls her eyes. “Does that cheesy shit ever work?” she says under her breath and yawns.

“Why don’t we all go get a cup?” I pipe up before Lizzie turns him down cold.

She leans over to Bailey and whispers something.

“Would you happen to have cocoa, Clay? Lizzie and I don’t care for coffee.”

“Of course I do, Bailey. Cash called me a few days ago to make sure I had something besides coffee to drink.” He winks. “Besides, I have to take care of my future sister-in-law.”

To say the staff break room is bare boned would be a compliment. Not an extra dime is spent in here. A couple of safety posters are on the walls along with a duty roster and a few awareness posters for the different disabilities that the ranch will be focusing on. In the center of the room is a second hand table with some mixed matched chairs around it. An ancient Mr. Coffee is in the corner with real coffee cups, sugar, and a spoon.

“I love what you’ve done with the place, Clay.” Lizzie laughs, looking around.

He looks at her seriously.

“I’m not spending money on anything that isn’t a necessity. If anyone wants a fancy coffee, they can go spend their own money, not the money for the kids.”

That is the first time I’ve seen him go defensive. My little brother has passion.

“Hold the sugar please because you’re sweet enough for the both of us,” he tells Lizzie as he watches her make a cup of cocoa.

I raise my eyebrows at him, letting him know he’s being cheesy again. Lizzie just scoffs at him. More volunteers arrive and he moves away to greet them.

“Lizzie, you could try to be nice to him. It wouldn’t hurt you.” Bailey says.

“I’m not offering him an ounce of encouragement. There isn’t any reason to fan the flame.” She shakes her head.

“I want to welcome everyone and thank you all for coming out.” Clay claps his hands to get the attention of all the volunteers. “I’m glad everyone could come out bright and early this morning. We still have several things to do before the kids arrive for the festivities. First, I want to reveal the name of our ranch.” Clay pulls a sign from behind the table. “Welcome to Crossroads. I hope we will be the crucial turning point for some of the kids, and they learn to cope a little better with the help of a horse. These horses are such a blessing to the families of these kids, and to watch the kids start to bond with the horses is just incredible. They learn so much by brushing and feeding the horses. Sometimes, that can be transferred to social and communication skills with other people in life as well. That is just one facet of wonderful programs like I hope this one will be.

Our main thing today is safety. I know you all watched the videos and have taken the required training courses, but please think safety first. If you’re not used to being around horses, you need to partner with someone who is. I have an assignment roster here for the jobs that need to be done. Some of you already signed up for jobs, and some of you I assigned to jobs based on your experience level. This is my assistant, Denise. She allows me to act like I’m in charge and know what I’m doing. If you have concerns or problems, you can talk to either one of us. Thank you.” Clay motions for us to come over. “I want y’all to meet this angel. Isn’t she adorable? This is Denise, my assistant.” He introduces us all and we all shake Denise’s hand.