Love Me Knots (5 page)

He never said much more than that about his father. His mother had died when he was too young to remember her, leaving him with a man who made David look like an emotional giant. She’d met Steven Ellison on multiple occasions. A wickedly brilliant mathematician, but a human icicle. The fact that she’d slept with David for the first time the same night she’d met the older man wasn’t exactly a shocker.

“But observing doesn’t mean understanding. Especially not nuance. I know every expression you’ve ever made, but I don’t always understand what they mean. The one on your face right now, for instance. I’m pretty sure you’re unhappy. But I don’t know about what.”

He didn’t know. Why was she surprised? Of course he didn’t know. He never seemed to know. Not when she needed him to hold her, just put his arms around her and help her feel protected. Not when she ached for him, when her skin throbbed for his touch and her body all but begged to be filled. She always had to ask, to show him what she needed. Had to lay herself bare while he kept everything behind that wall of silence. Well, she didn’t want to be quiet anymore. And she wasn’t about to beg for him to touch her either. Her body would have to learn to crave something else.

“Maybe because you invaded my privacy and my trust to follow me out here. Or how about that you’re pushing me to tell you things you should already damn well know.” She kicked out with her legs, surprising him enough to let her go. In an instant she was on her feet, heading into the bungalow, mad enough to find something heavy and throw it at him.

Worse, he didn’t seem upset in the slightest. “Krista, I’m just asking you to tell me what’s happening. Why won’t you talk to me?”

She pushed her way into the bungalow and decided, what the hell. He wanted to know so bad? Let him try to deal with her problems and see how he did. “Because I’m pregnant, you jerk.”

Then she slammed the door and had the hollow satisfaction of silence in her wake.

Forty-eight minutes later, Krista peeked out her bedroom to look through the front French doors. Even with the filmy curtains in the way, she could tell that David hadn’t moved an inch. He was still parked on the chaise, legs thrust outward, though she could see that his feet were lying haphazardly in front of him.

She bit her upper lip, remorse filling her. She really shouldn’t have told him like that, but her temper had been getting closer and closer to the surface for months. Resentment at not being the love of his life grew with each day, never being resolved or even addressed. Sadly, she’d have been happy just being
a
love of his life, but her doubts that David Ellison could love at all eroded at her. Finding out three weeks ago that she was pregnant had dropped the bottom out of her world.

Tilting at windmills was fine when no one else was involved. Bringing a baby into the mess she’d created by following her hormones instead of her head… It made for a hell of a wakeup call.

The problem was that David wasn’t the one who needed waking.

Gathering her inner fortitude, Krista knew she owed him an apology. He’d flown thousands of miles for more than that, though. He’d come for an explanation. She wasn’t sure she had one to give him.

He didn’t react to the sound of the door opening or even when she sat next to him. His hands remained clenched on his thighs and his gaze stayed locked on the sea. Not good.

“Are you okay?”

A muscle ticked in his cheek. Really not good. Ashamed of herself, Krista folded her own hands in her lap and sighed. The Tahitian sunlight on her shoulders weighed three tons. “I shouldn’t have told you about the baby that way, I’m sorry. When I found out, I had all these plans to tell you over a special dinner, with candlelight and a present and everything.”

She looked over at his profile, but he still wasn’t responding. She stared down again, wishing she could make herself shut up.
But when all else fails, blurt
.

“I had everything ready, you even came over, just the way you said you would. But when the time came, I…I couldn’t get the words out. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t tell you. And the more I couldn’t say it, the angrier I got at you. I guess if I could make it your fault, somehow, that I couldn’t say it, then I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty for not letting you know.”

His hands flexed, the fabric of his slacks loosening, then bunching again under his grip.

“I know we always planned to have children…someday.” Someday just came so quick. And with it the knowledge that she’d been fooling herself. Loving him when he couldn’t love her, it hurt too much. She’d never survive, not the part of herself that had learned to stand on her own. It would crumble under the pressure to be whatever he reacted to. Just like with her father, she’d turn herself into a pretzel for his approval, for any sign of his respect. That was the knowledge that had her packing her bags and running for her life. Just the thought of going back to being someone’s helpless automaton. No. She’d do a lot of things for him, but she couldn’t allow herself to beg for his affection. To lose the threads of independence she’d worked so hard to weave.

“When it happened, I knew I couldn’t go on with that contract. I couldn’t trap myself into a loveless existence for the rest of my life. I want more than that.” She took a breath and straightened her shoulders. “I
deserve
more than that.”

His silence stung more with every passing second. “Say something, David,” she whispered, cheeks burning.

“I had no idea you thought so little of me.”

She blinked, startled. “What are you talking about? I think the world of you. You know that. I have the highest respect for you.” Losing her respect for
herself
was why she had to go.

“But you don’t want me to marry you.”

She choked. “That’s not what I said.”

His stare could have cut glass. “Then what did you say? Because it sounded like you were content to marry me until you realized you were pregnant. Then, suddenly, I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“No, David. No. It’s not about anyone being good enough. It’s because you don’t love me.”

“You’re sure of that?”

A bitter laugh tore straight from her heart. “You’ve told me often enough. Yes, I’m sure.”

“And I’m sure I’ve never said anything of the kind.”

His anger gave her a moment’s second guess. But how else should she have interpreted his distance for all things emotional? His ability to relegate her to unimportance without effort or remorse? No. He liked her. He wasn’t adverse to sex but sex wasn’t love.

“How can you be so sure when I had no idea what to call my feelings until this morning?”

This morning? “You mean, after I left?” At his curt nod, Krista shook her head. “That’s not love. That’s a normal response to rejection.”

Disappointment tinged his expression. “For someone so concerned about feelings, you don’t seem very worried about mine.”

Maybe. She didn’t want to think that was true, but she had to make him understand. “I don’t mean to hurt you. You’re right, I do care about you.” Her voice broke. Care seemed such a pale word for her feelings. From the first moment they met, she’d felt a connection to him. An understanding that ran deeper than words. But after a while, she’d wanted the words anyway…and he couldn’t give them to her.

“And I know you care about me, too. Or you wouldn’t respond sexually either,” she added, a mocking smile twisting her mouth. He probably wouldn’t like that line of reasoning any more than she had, now that the shoe was on the other foot. “I’ve just come to the conclusion that maybe choosing your life partner logically, for mutual benefits, the way we did, isn’t the best way to go about it.”

“It worked for centuries before us,” he interjected tightly.

“Then it’s not the best way for me.” She forced her voice to be firm. “I want a man who loves me. Who’s dedicated to me, no matter what happens or how hard our lives get.”

“And you don’t think that’s me? You think I’d leave you because our lives got
difficult
?” He said the word as if it were laughable. As if she had no idea what difficult really meant.

The implication hurt but she refused to let it temper her response—it would only give him a foothold for argument later. “I think not being emotionally tied to a person can make a difficult situation harder. I think I need someone who will hold me when I’m emotional. Not someone who’ll push me away because my emotions are messy.”

He frowned, probably beginning to understand.

Krista reached over and took his hand in hers. “You’re a good man, David. The best man I know. I’m proud that this baby is yours.
Ours
.” She looked down at the belly that had yet to curve outward. Nine weeks along and still, no changes she could see. Only a sensitivity to her skin and an unhappy propensity for losing her lunch. The baby was apparently as polite a visitor as its father. “I just want more than you can give.”

“What if I could?”

She blinked, tilting her head, as it was definitely her turn to frown. “If you could what?”

“Give you what you need. Be what you want.”

“David, I’m not asking you to change—”

“No, you’re just asking me to leave.”

And take my heart with you.
“Yes.”

He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

Sighing didn’t do much to make her feel better. She tried to let go of his hand, but he held tight. “If this is about staying close to the baby, I promise, you’ll have every opportunity to be part of its life.”

“It is and it isn’t. I want to be a father, yes. I always wanted that.” He’d been the first one to mention children when they’d begun talking about marriage. “But I want you, Krista. More than anything else, I want you.”

Her breath shuttered and her heart absolutely stopped. He looked so earnest, so true. All the way down to her soul, she wanted to believe him. But the same heart that stopped for him feared how much he could hurt her. So she asked the one question she knew he’d never be able to answer. “Why?”

His mouth firmed, quirking at the corners as he tried to find the words she wanted to hear. She knew that habit well. He never understood how much she wanted to know what
he
needed to say.

Rather than watch him struggle, she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. A goodbye kiss. He must have realized, because he held on. Held so tight she knew his hand would leave a mark on her wrist, if only for a few moments. Nothing like the indelible mark he’d made on her soul.

She pulled away and stood, lifting her hands out of his hold. This time, his frown could have been grooved into his face for years.

“You should go home. Get some rest. There’ll be a lot of work for you on Monday.”

“I don’t care.”

“Oh yes you do.” More than anything.

“No, Krista. I don’t. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you.”

“David—”

“I’m not leaving. I’m staying here until you believe me.” Implacable. His voice brooked no argument. But that was the beauty of their relationship. They never had to argue.

She walked back inside and when she left this time, she didn’t look back.

{

Taylor groaned in her bed, and not because anything good was going on. Opening one eye, she focused slowly on the alarm clock phone next to her bed. Two a.m.
Two
. She hadn’t even been asleep for an hour.

“Make it stop,” Frankie complained from under the pillow next to her.

She snatched the cordless receiver off the base and hit the talk button. “This had better be good.”

“She doesn’t believe me.” Blunt. No trace of apology. Could only be one guy.

“This couldn’t wait until breakfast, Mr. Ellison?”

“No, I need you to fax a document for me. I should have called earlier, but I needed the time to think. I haven’t even found anywhere to sleep yet.”

“You’re in Tahiti,” Taylor reminded him, squeezing her eye shut again. “Find an all-night bar. You’ll be fine.”

“You don’t understand. I need that contract. For Krista. She doesn’t believe I have feelings for her. Any. At all. It’s the only way to prove that I do.”

Damn it. He did not pay anywhere near good enough to expect Dear Abby duty. “I’m trying really hard to feel bad for you, Mr. Ellison. I really am. But it’s two in the morning and my boss is kind of psychotic about me opening the office on time.”

“She’s pregnant, Taylor.”

That opened her eyes.

“I can’t lose her.”

Maaaaaan. What was she supposed to say to that? Unwillingly opening her eyes, Taylor propped herself up on her free arm and tried to rub the webs from her mind. “Did you tell her that?”

“I…tried.”

“Trying is for pussies,” she grumbled, wishing not for the first time that Frankie hadn’t talked her into quitting smoking. Too late, she remembered who she was talking to. At his continued silence, she sighed. “Sorry, that’s what happens when you wake people up at ungodly hours.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He probably would. He’d still call, if it suited his purposes, but he wouldn’t be surprised.

“What I’m getting at is that you have to
tell
her how you feel. Not make some half-assed attempt and tell yourself you gave it a good shot. Cough it up or quit complaining.”

“I’m not sure telling her would be enough at this point. She wouldn’t even talk about it.”

Wow, when Krista grew a pair, she made them out of solid brass. “Sounds like you need to make one of those over-the-top, grand gesture type things.”

“Like what?” For a guy who sucked at expressing himself, incredulity came across perfectly.

“I don’t know. You’re at a freaking island getaway. There’s got to be something romantic you can do.”

“Romantic?”

Taylor barely kept from smacking her hand on her own face in frustration. This man wouldn’t know romance if it came down from heaven and crapped on his head. “Yeah. You know, moonlit serenades. Flowers and luaus. Promises you plan to actually keep. Say stuff in public you wouldn’t say by yourself in the dark, underground. That kind of stuff.”

“And women need this?”

“Your woman does. And for future reference, it’s not a one-time deal. This is the kind of stuff you’re always going to have to do.” Damn, she should charge for this shit. It was golden.

“If that’s the case, this is going to get uncomfortable.”

“Call it breaking in for the kid. ’Cause let me tell you, kids are completely uncomfortable.” Carrying them, having them, feeding them, cleaning up the unholy things that came out of them. She shuddered.

“Yes,” he replied and damn if he didn’t sound wistful. Poor sap. She gave Mr. Ordered and Organized all of two weeks in newborn hell before he ran out screaming. “If you want her back, really want her back, she’s got to start thinking of you in romantic terms. No, wait. She’s got to see that
you
see
her
that way. I’m pretty sure treating her like office equipment is what got you into this mess.”

“Okay. That makes sense.”

Perfect, because she was pulling this shit straight out of her ass. Movement caught her eye and she turned to the man next to her. Frankie propped himself on one hand, watching her with a lunatic grin on his pretty face.