Love Me (16 page)

“Hey sis. How's it going? Since you missed dinner, I brought you a burger.”

She didn't buy the greeting. There was nothing easy, nothing nice about it apart from the actual words.

“I'm busy. What do you want?”

“We need to talk.”

Stil not bothering to look up from her computer where she was double-checking orders for the month, she said, “Fine. Talk.”

“What the fuck kind of game are you playing with my brother?”

Knowing her own eyes were blazing now, she shot back, “You want me to draw you some dirty pictures?”

His mouth tightened, the mouth that was so like his twin's and, yet, so completely different. Of course she saw the surface similarities between Luke and Travis, but to her, that's al they were. Surface stuff. She wasn't in love with Travis. She would never, ever be in love with Travis.

But she loved Luke with every goddamned cel of her body.

She watched Travis take a step back from her desk, walk to the window to look at the crowded city streets below.

“You know I've always thought you were a little bit crazy, right?”

He wasn't trying to be mean, and the truth was she didn't take offense. It was just the way she and Travis talked to each other.

“Yup,” she agreed. “And you know I've always thought you were a little bit of an asshole, right?”

Final y, the hint of a grin.

“But here's the thing—I never thought you were stupid, Janica. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met. Both you and my brother have big, huge brains.”

Her stupid heart skipped a beat at the mention of Luke, damn it.

“So then why the hel are you acting so stupid now?”

It kil ed her not to combat his awful words with worse words of her own. But, real y, what was the point?

Nothing Travis did or said was going to change the truth of the matter.

Luke didn't want to love her. And she couldn't do a damn thing to change that.

Except for stupidly, foolishly hoping that maybe, at some point in the future, he'd look at her and see everything he wasn't seeing now. Because didn't he see that loving her despite himself wasn't enough?

“I've got a lot of work to catch up on,” she said by way of a get-the-hel -out.

But Travis didn't get the picture. Or, maybe he did, but he didn't give a fuck what she wanted him to do.

“We al know you're in love with him.”

She met Luke's twin's gaze with clear, direct eyes.

“I am. So ridiculously, pathetical y in love with your brother that I can hardly believe it.” A muscle in Travis's jaw twitched in what she figured was shock and she continued with, “And trust me, he knows it.”

After al , she'd only told him about a hundred times. Clearly caught off guard by her sensational y straightforward admission, Travis stopped, stared, then sat down hard on her leather couch.

“Fuck.”

It was, quite possibly, the biggest moment of solidarity she'd ever had with her sister's husband.

“I feel exactly the same way.”

He shook his head, confusion taking over his face. “So then why won't you take him back?”

It was easiest to say, “Because I'm a bitch.”

His eyes softened. Just slightly. “You're not a bitch.”

“But it would be easier if you thought that was the reason.”

Not just for him, but for her too.

“You're right,” Travis agreed. “It probably would be. But I'd rather hear the real reason.”

She thought about it for a second. “I real y don't want to have to say the words aloud to you, Travis.”

He nodded and she thought that maybe, just maybe, he was going to go now and she would be left alone in her abject misery. Instead, he said, “Al my life, until Lily came along, Luke was the most important person in the world to me. He was the only one who real y knew me. Who saw through al my bul shit. But the thing is, I don't think I've ever been able to see al the way through his. I've seen him work himself into the ground, I've seen him date women who are so cold you wouldn't want to touch them with your tongue because it would stick. But I've never seen him like this, Janica. Help me help him.”

They were more words than she'd ever heard strung together out of her brother-in-law's mouth. Now it was her turn to be stunned.

“What makes you think I know how to help him?”

“I can't believe I'm about to say this,” he said, looking wel and truly appal ed, “but on the way over here I started to see things differently. Different enough that I actual y think you're perfect for him. You're not one of those frigid bitches he's always been with. He knew he wouldn't fal in love with any of them. But you...wel , clearly he didn't know what the fuck to do about you. Which is why I'm thinking that you might be the only person on the planet who can get through to him. The only person who can actual y reach him.” He shook his head. “I may need to go have my head examined after this.”

“Good idea,” she said, working like hel to fight back the rush of moisture that was building behind her eyebal s at her brother-in-law's unexpected words. But his eyes saw too much, damn him.

Damn al the Carson men.

“You haven't told me yet why you won't take him back. Especial y when I can see how badly you want to.”

She couldn't sit behind her computer anymore. Her legs were itching to move, to run—and keep running. Away from everything that was hurting so bad. But even as she jumped up out of her chair, she realized not only did she have nowhere to go, but that even if she tried, she'd never be able to hide out, she'd never be able to steal away from her feelings.

“I just can't.”

“Have you heard a word I've said?”

“And then some,” she muttered. “Look, it doesn't matter what you think or what Lily thinks or even what I think.”

She shook her head, hated the way she felt, like she was going to break apart, literal y shatter from the inside out.

“It just doesn't matter.”

“It does, Janica.” He paused. “He told you he loves you. In front of al of us.”

Her nostrils flared. She swal owed. Fought for whatever last shred of composure she retained.

“That was real y big of him to do it like that. The grand gesture. You must have been real y impressed.”

“Fuck being impressed, Janica. The point is he did it. He said it. He feels it. So why the hel are we sitting here having this discussion? Why are you sitting here arguing with me instead of making his life a living hel ?”

No.

This was where she had to draw the line. She wouldn't sit here and explain how it had felt to hear Luke say, “I love you,” while everything else about him said he'd failed. While every piece of him clearly screamed that he couldn't believe he'd actual y gone and fal en for the notorious, the slutty, the wild-child Janica El is.

“I want to be with—” She cut herself off and started over. “I need to be with someone who actual y wants to love me.” She felt the edges of her mouth start to wobble and sat back down behind her desk, putting her fingers on her keyboard in a desperate attempt to steady herself.

“Not just someone who can't help himself.”

* * *

Lily lay in the curve of Travis's arms later that night. After putting the kids to sleep, he'd made the sweetest, most passionate love to her. Every touch, every kiss, every stroke of his body inside of hers had been pure emotion.

Pure love.

On the verge of fal ing into a deep, sated sleep, she heard him say, “You haven't asked me about my conversation with your sister yet.”

She shifted out of his arms and sat up in the bed, moonlight streaming over her lush curves. “You didn't seem ready to talk about it yet.”

His eyes drank her in, roving from her face to her breasts and stomach and hips, then back up to her eyes. “My God, sweetheart, you're so damned beautiful.”

She reached for his hand and threaded her fingers through his, knowing she'd never get tired of hearing him say those words. Even though she saw the truth of it in his eyes every time he looked at her.

“I love you,” she said, and then, “So what happened?”

“I was wrong about her.”

Another time she might have laughed at his look of almost physical pain from his admission, but she couldn't. Not when she was so terribly worried about her sister. And his brother.

“She's not playing Luke,” Travis said. “She real y, truly cares about him.” His face tightened even further. “He needs her in a way that he doesn't need you or me. And I'm afraid he's going to lose her.”

Her heart was so heavy a couple of tears fel before she even realized she was crying. “I'm afraid of that too.”

“Hel ,” Travis said. “I'm thinking if things don't change soon, we're going to have to get them on a plane to Italy and force the issue.”

Her eyes sparkled at the memory of their surprise wedding. “Oh, wouldn't it be amazing to see them up on that stage at the Festival of Weddings?”

Travis pul ed her back into his arms and loved her tears away, but even after he fel asleep with his head on her chest, she couldn't stop worrying. Because she knew that dragging her sister and brother-in-law off to Italy wouldn't make a lick of difference.

She and Travis couldn't make the decision for them. Luke and Janica needed to choose love for

themselves.

Al she could do was pray that they did. Because Luke and Janica meant everything to her.

And they both deserved the kind of forever love that she and Travis shared.

As soon as Janica touched down in Italy, she knew she should get right back on the plane.

She always loved Italy. The architecture. The passionate natives. The food. The fashion. And as soon as Travis had left her office, she'd booked the next flight out to Milan to deal with some accounts that she'd recently picked up and to get a feel for the new fabrics and styles coming out of fashion's center of business.

But neither of those were the real reasons she'd gotten on the plane.

She'd had to leave. Had to get away from any and everything that reminded her of Luke.

Only, how could she have forgotten that she'd been here, in Italy with him, when they'd been trying to help Lily and Travis with their own rol er-coaster relationship?

I love you,
he'd said
. It shouldn't have taken me this
long to figure it out.

Okay, so he'd final y owned up to his feelings. But how long would it take him to accept them? To embrace them? To not be embarrassed by his feelings for her or to wish he didn't feel them? And if she had to tel him, if she had to give him step-by-step instructions on how to real y and truly love her, then how could it possibly be real? And in the end, she couldn't force him to feel anything other than what he real y, truly felt. Only, it was one thing to try and resist Luke from 5,000

miles away. It was another entirely to think that she'd be able to do it when they were both back in San Francisco, meeting regularly at family events. One touch, the slightest stroke of his fingers against her skin, and she knew she was going to be lost. She'd loved him too deep, for too long.

Janica had never settled for anything her whole life. But if Luke could only love her part of the way, maybe settling for whatever he could give her was something she'd need to learn to live with.

Not even bothering to pick up her luggage, she stepped up to the ticket counter and got herself on the return flight out to San Francisco. A dozen hours later as she got off the airplane, knowing she couldn't go another second without seeing Luke, she told the taxi driver to take her straight to the hospital. And then, from out of nowhere, she felt the truck in the lane beside them clip the back bumper, spinning the taxi off into the center divider on the freeway. Everything went black.

* * *

"Taxi crash. Twenty-nine-year-old woman. Head wound. Possible internal bleeding."

Luke was heading into his tenth hour for the day and had just downed his fifth cup of coffee. He'd worked much longer hours in the past, but now the days seemed longer than they ever had. Coming off his fourweek leave, he stil felt tired, like he was dragging al the time.

And yet, at the same time, his hours in the ER were the only time he even felt remotely alive.

Somehow, none of the things that used to give him a rush, not even a car accident victim who would need every ounce of his concentration, set off a spark inside of him. Whereas Janica, with nothing more than a wicked little smile, had made him feel like it was the Fourth of July every single day.

Every single moment.

He was stil amazed to realize that in less than a week she'd taught him how to have fun. How to appreciate everything around him. And how incredible it was to share his life with someone else.

How had he screwed everything up so badly? And how the hel could he possibly win her back?

The first time she said “I love you” he should have been right there with her, showering her with everything he'd felt for her for so long—and had so stupidly held back. He'd been scared to love and lose again. But he'd had no idea just how much it would real y hurt. Especial y when the losing part was entirely his fault. Grabbing the chart from the paramedic, he moved to the quickly moving gurney and final y looked at his patient.

Oh God.

No.

Please, let this be a nightmare.

Please, God, please let this not be real.
But the blood across Janica's forehead and cheek, dried in clumps in her soft hair was real. Her pale skin, her closed, bruised eyelids were real. Her smal body, so stil and lifeless beneath the thin white sheet—so completely different from the way she normal y was, the woman who didn't know how to stop moving—was real.

Al of the patients he had ever worked on throughout his years in the ER came down to this moment. The moment when he needed to save the woman who meant everything to him.

One of the first things he'd learned as a doctor had been that emotions had a time and place, but not in the operating room. He'd always known how to segment the surgeon from the flesh-and-blood man.

He cal ed out instructions one after the other, held out his hands for the nurse to put on his gown and surgical gloves, while his brain worked methodical y to assess the damage to Janica's body.