Love Life & Circumstance (18 page)

“Enough already. Let it go, Deacon, it’ll do you no good. Just concentrate on Hope; she’s all that matters now.”

Once Elijah was dressed and sitting in front of Rhett’s big screen TV with a warm bourbon, he’d convinced himself to move on. Though his heart ached, his plans to re-locate as soon as Hope was healthy enough were now a high priority. As well as it being a fresh start for him and Hope, it also meant Elijah wouldn’t have to risk running into Seth. Sure, he would have to make arrangements for visitation with Hope, but that would be a lot more bearable than having him living just down the road.

“Care to share them?” Rhett’s question startled Elijah; he’d forgotten Rhett was even there. He’d been so quiet just letting Eli sort out his head. When he did speak, Elijah blurted out the only thing he could think of to say.

“I’m leaving. I need a new start as far away from here as I possibly can go. The sale of Deacon & Son, dad’s property and everything else including my own home has gone through smoother and quicker than I thought. I need to do this. There are too many memories here, too much hurt.” Eli didn’t look up. He couldn’t bear to see the hurt and disbelief in Rhett’s eyes, or let Rhett see the tears in his. As big and strong as he was, he had a heart, a big one, and at that moment, it felt torn, battered, rung out and bruised. He’d had his fill of pain and suffering. He missed his father, worried constantly about Hope and hardly slept for fear that the hospital would call with yet more bad news. The only thing that had kept him strong was Seth. The other man’s smile and his being there side by side as they watched over Hope, they had stopped Elijah from being overwhelmed by his grief. But now, Seth was gone and everything threatened to crash down around him in a heap.

Elijah couldn’t stop his shoulders from trembling as he fought against the heat of tears stinging his eyes. Jesus, he felt stupid, but he just couldn’t stop. Warm hands slid around his back as Rhett gently brought Eli into his arms and held on tight as Elijah cracked apart amidst a rush of tears.

“It’s ok big guy, just let it all out. I ain’t going anywhere. It’ll all work out, you’ll see.”  The soothing tone of Rhett’s voice and his familiar warmth was just what Eli needed. He’d missed his friend and hated that Rhett hadn’t been around.

“I’m sorry dude; God I’m a mess. It just all caught up with me I guess. Doesn’t help any that as of tonight, Seth and I are done. But, that’s life I guess.” Elijah looked up at his old friend’s shocked expression. It opened the floodgates so to speak, and he spent the rest of the night telling Rhett what happened, about his plans to move north and how he’d hoped  Seth would agree to come, too.

He finished by wrangling a promise from Rhett that he would stay in touch and come visit. They both agreed on the need to maintain contact. Rhett assured him wild horses wouldn’t come between them or keep him away. It was the small hours of the morning by the time they’d both said their piece, and Elijah felt like a weight had been lifted having someone to talk to about his plans. Rhett proved himself a true friend, and Elijah couldn’t thank him enough for being there for him.

“I’ve always loved you, Elijah Deacon, and probably always will. Seth doesn’t deserve you. You’re a good man; a great man, in fact, and a wonderful best friend. I only wish I had whatever it is Seth has, because I know I could have made you happy given half the chance. I know we’ll always be best friends; I just needed to say that. I needed to say my piece. I’ll never think anyone is good enough for you, because they aren’t me. And, we both know I’m perfect.” Rhett’s declaration along with his banter helped bridge the gap that had formed between them.

As his old friend leaned in for a kiss goodnight, Elijah obliged in the same way he always had, on the cheek, as an affectionate friend would. Hugging Rhett and sending him on to bed, Elijah hoped once he left Alabama Rhett would come to terms with the fact there could never be anything more between them than being best friends. He also prayed Rhett would find someone who appreciated him and settle down.

Elijah didn’t go to bed. Instead, he stayed up working out his plans in his head. When dawn broke the next day, he quietly called himself a cab, left a note for Rhett thanking him again, and then made his way outside.  The cab pulled up down the road from Seth’s home, and Elijah paid his fare before making his way to his truck. He tried desperately not to look at the house. His heart hurt like fuck just seeing the rental car parked next to Seth’s truck. He couldn’t help wondering if they were together right at that moment in Seth’s bed, sleeping or fucking in the same sheets where Elijah and Seth had made love.

He needed to leave. He couldn’t do this to himself. However much he was in love with Seth, he wouldn’t be made a fool. Keying the ignition, Elijah backed out of the drive onto the main road. He took one look back in the rearview mirror at Seth’s home, and then pulled away as fast as he could. After a quick shower, he’d check in with Hope first and spend as much time as he could with his daughter, and while he was thinking straight, he’d ask the front desk to inform him of visitors to Hope’s room so he could avoid any confrontation with Seth.

Over the weeks that followed, Elijah spent nearly every morning at the hospital with Hope. He made a routine of being there at six in the morning to learn how to bathe her, change diapers and dress his little fighter without shaking. At first, the task was daunting. She was so tiny and fragile that Elijah was terrified of hurting her. But, by the end of the first week, he’d gotten his head around it and fell into the role of being Hope’s daddy. He thoroughly enjoyed it.

By the time mid-day came around and Elijah had to take off, Hope was bathed and happy and being put down for her nap. Usually, when he walked out of the miniscule but private room where Hope slept, he talked with the nurses who always offered him great advice on what products to buy including the best formula and diapers, as well as, things to stimulate Hope such as soft toys, with bright patterns and night lights that played lullabies while bathing the room in soft glowing animals. As overwhelming as it was, the advice was much needed. There was so much to learn that sometimes Elijah felt dizzy from it all.

The contracts to sign over Deacon & Son had all gone through, as had the sale of his father’s home. Lucky enough for Elijah, the buyers wanted the family homestead as is and they were willing to pay a little bit more for having it already furnished. With Rhett’s help, Elijah packed the more personal effects such as pictures of his mother, her jewelry and any sentimental items he wanted to keep. Hope would one day ask about her grandparents, and Elijah wanted to have something of them to show her they were real.

His heart hurt while clearing out the clothes and sending them to Goodwill, but by the end of the week, he was done and the new family buying the house was delighted with it. That night, he never went to the hospital, opting to stay at home alone. Elijah rang to make sure Hope was alright and said goodbye to the family home where he’d been born. He had his memories, and that’s what mattered. His only wish was that Seth had been there with him.

The next morning, Elijah vowed to get on with things, and even though it was later than his usual six o’clock start, he made his way to Dothan well before mid-day. He swung downtown to drop off the last of the paperwork at the attorney’s office and on the way to the hospital, he stopped off to purchase some take out coffee.

He was making his way back to his truck when he saw them. There was no mistaking Seth, with those long legs and that tight ass encased in blue denim. Elijah would have recognized him anywhere. The sun highlighted the lighter shades of his hair, and Elijah closed his eyes and imagined the depth of those intense brown eyes. God, he missed him. Laughter came from the same direction, and Elijah opened his eyes to see the same man from two weeks ago pulling Seth down along the street. The sight alone was enough to tear Elijah’s heart out, but the fact that he was still in town told Elijah all he needed to know. He was history; Seth had someone new, or rather someone old. It was time to move the fuck on and fast.

As much as it hurt, Elijah turned his back on the couple and made his way back to the truck. He felt sick to his stomach and couldn’t push back the pain in his chest. This shit hurt like hell to see. It confirmed his decision to move was the right one. He roared the truck to life and cussed when the coffee he bought jumped off the hood where he’d set it to fish the keys from his pocket.

“Fuck.” There was no way in hell he was going back out there. At that moment, he saw Seth’s head jack up and spin to look directly at his truck. Elijah slammed the gear shift into reverse, tore out of his parking space, made a three point turn and headed away from Seth and the pain just seeing him caused.

As he approached Hope’s room, Elijah’s heart reeled when he saw Hope’s pediatrician exiting the small space. He didn’t know whether to be angry or scared. No one had called to say anything was wrong. Within the space of a heartbeat, Elijah broke out in a cold hard sweat. By the time he’d made it to the door of Hope’s room where the pediatrician waited, Elijah shook with fear.

“What’s happened? What’s wrong? Oh God, Doc, is Hope ok, is she sick?”

“Whoa, calm down, Mr. Deacon, everything’s fine. In fact it’s better than fine. How do you feel about being the first to feed your precious little girl?”

As the doctor’s words hit home, Elijah’s world tilted, and a moment later, he was saying a big howdy to the linoleum floor. “Breathe Mr. Deacon, that’s it. Put your head between your knees and breathe. Nurse, a glass of water for Mr. Deacon, please.” The doctor’s voice sounded muffled, but Elijah made out the slight hint of humor in his tone. God, he felt like an ass sitting there with his head between his knees, thanking the Almighty his little girl was alright. Ten minutes later, when the Doctor was convinced Eli was fine and not about to pass out, he led Elijah into Hope’s room where his little girl lay wide awake in her crib without any sign of her feeding tubes.

The same nurse that had been on hand to take Elijah through the ropes of bathing and changing walked into the room, a smile on her face so broad it reached from ear to ear. Feeling more at ease   with her there, Elijah comfortably picked up his daughter and nestled her against his chest before taking a seat in the rocking chair by the window. The sun’s warmth filled the room, and Elijah inhaled that wonderful baby scent associated with Hope.

“Hey there, my little princess. Guess what? Daddy’s fixin’ to feed you. You gunna be good and drink all your milk?” He brought Hope down a bit on his chest so he could look at her face. Two huge blue eyes stared right back at him, and then tracked around the room. “I know, baby girl. I know who you’re looking for, but I’m sorry he’s not here.” Elijah was sure she was looking for Seth. The bottle was another huge milestone in Hope’s fight to live, and Seth had been there from the onset as her guardian, her uncle and Elijah’s saving grace.

Seeing him in town with his new boy toy had torn off the Band-Aid holding Elijah’s heart together. But now, four weeks after Hope’s birth, Seth was about to miss his niece’s very next step, and damn that hurt even worse. A small cry from Hope brought Elijah’s attention back on track. As much as he missed Seth not being there, Hope came first. Smiling at the nurse through glassy eyes, Elijah followed her instructions on how best to feed  his daughter.

Hope was a natural. She took to being bottle fed straight off. Elijah talked to her constantly, showing her the picture of Seth, Hope and himself the first time they had held her. Even the nurse was amazed at how well Hope managed to feed, and another photo was taken to highlight the event. Elijah was full to bursting with pride when Hope managed a full three ounces of formula on her very first feeding before falling asleep. Smoothly, he lifted her onto his shoulder and proceeded to gently make circles over Hope’s back until she burped and fell straight back to sleep. Elijah left her where she was and pressed his foot against the wall to rock her back and forth.

The nurse tapped him on the shoulder as she took her leave from the room and left Elijah alone with his very special little red-headed girl who meant more than the world to him. The picture of Seth still lay in his lap, and Elijah thumbed over the male’s beautifully handsome face.

“I wished you’d been here for this. But, I guess what with your new beau …” Elijah didn’t finish the sentence; he refused to let anything he felt for Seth ruin the time he spent with Hope. He let his head relax on the back of the rocker and turned it toward Hope. He savored her unique scent as he quietly hummed a lullaby he’d learned from his mama.

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CHAPTER NINETEEN

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Strong arms circled his waist, a heavy hairy thigh nestled between his own and he rested against a broad thickly muscled chest. Warmth surrounded him, and he nestled closer desperate for every bit of contact he could get. Seth knew Elijah held him, and he knew it was a dream. The same dream he’d had every morning for the last week, and the same dream he clung to until he had no other choice but to open his eyes.

“Seth Jacobs! Get your sexy ass out of that bed, or I’m coming in there.” He winced as Kris’s booming voice carried through the door. The last fragments of the dream vanished, yet he still kept his eyes tightly closed. He suppressed an unmanly whimper as the empty bed became reality. Fuckin’ hell, he missed Elijah. Opening his eyes, he blinked several times to bring the alarm clock into focus; nine thirty in the morning. He should have been up hours ago. He had two briefs due by the end of the week and still needed to research the case law quoted in the defendant’s Summary Judgment brief.

“Damn it, Seth. I am not sitting in this house again today. Get your ass up.” Kris burst through the door and stopped at the foot of the bed. Seth glared at him.

“Get out of here. I’ll get up when I’m damned good and ready.” Instead of listening, Kris crawled onto the bed and settled himself against the pillows behind Seth.