Love, Lies & The D.A. (54 page)

It’s
past noon, and after Caroline shows everyone to their rooms, she helps Delores
fix lunch. I’m somewhat surprised she lets me stay in Jonathan’s room.

I
suspect keeping busy helps her stay focused on something else other than the
death of her son.

Megan
seems better than I expected, compared to how she was when her dad died. Pierce
has been his usual supportive self, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel
uncomfortable with Daniel.

Jonathan
always told me I shouldn’t take his demeanor personally, but he’s avoided me
from the moment we all saw each other today. I tried to say hello to him, but
he conveniently turned away when I walked towards him. He probably blames be
for Jonathan’s death. I could understand that. I blame myself too. At this
point, I think I need to give him his space.

I need
to try to get myself in the frame of mind for the evening ahead. I am told that
a few other family members and close friends will be coming this afternoon. A
small service will be held at the house, and we will scatter his ashes at
sunset out in the lake in Nevada.

I’m
nervous and my stomach feels unsettled. I’m not sure I’m prepared for the
afternoon ahead. I’ve been trying hard these last few days to get my life back
to some semblance of normalcy, but I’m not even sure I know what that means
anymore.

On
Sunday, Mom and Bobby will return to their lives, and I’ll be leaving the
country. For where, I’m uncertain, but after the last six months, I need to go
somewhere to clear my head and try to get my life back on track.

I’ve
had some pretty outrageous thoughts these last few days, none that I’ve had the
guts to articulate. Before I do anything crazy, I realize I need to give myself
some time to heal, and I do that best when I’m alone.

A
knock sounds on my door, and my mom comes in.

“I
came to see if I could get you anything, or if you needed any help getting
ready?”

“Thanks,
but I don’t think so.”

“Come
on. Sit. I’ll help you fix your hair and do your makeup.”

I’m
about to argue, but I stop myself and let her have her way. At this point, I’m not
sure what I look like makes the slightest difference, but I suppose I should
make an effort to cover up some of those marks that are still on my face. For a
moment, I feel like a child again. I guess my mom doing my hair reminds me of
that. When she’s done, I slip into a sleeveless, bateau-neck tailored A-line
black dress. I slip on a pair of flats then I am ready to head out.

I’m
not quite prepared for what I see when I come down the stairs. The great room
is transformed. The living room furniture has disappeared and is replaced with
white chairs in a theatre seating arrangement facing the fireplace and the
view. Flowers frame the fireplace, but I think what I’m most unprepared for is
the oversized photo of Jonathan that stares me in the face. A photo I took. A
photo that I was completely unaware that Caroline even had. I suppose she
pulled them off of the DVD that accompanied the book. It’s a photo I took of
him on his birthday in Big Sur.

I am
completely overwhelmed, and images from that day inundate my mind. They were
happy memories of a place we said we’d return to, but now…

Almost
everyone is seated. I recognize his aunts, uncle, and cousins from his dad’s
funeral, and David, Kat, and the twins are present, as well as Phillip and
Douglas. I take a deep breath. After saying a quick hello, I sit next to Bobby,
and Megan sits next to me. Caroline sits between Pierce and Daniel across the
aisle. As the priest walks in, I feel like my chest is about to burst. This is
the beginning of my final goodbye.

For
the first time, I notice the black urn sitting on a small table below the easel,
and it suddenly becomes very real that Jonathan is gone. The priest starts the
proceedings, and I’m finding it increasingly hard to keep my emotions under
control. I can’t stop staring at the urn. I guess there was a part of me that
was still hoping that this wasn’t real, that Jonathan would somehow walk in.

Megan
holds my hand, and I find myself sealing my eyes shut so the tears won’t fall.
Then the priest says something about cherishing our happy memories, and the
memories from that photo, the weekends in this house, New Year’s weekend at my
Tahoe house, the times we made love, and so many more flood my mind. I
completely loose it, and so does Megan beside me.

Caroline
stands a while later. It surprises me that she will be doing the eulogy.

“Jonathan.
My first-born. My Protector-in-Chief, I used to call him. When I returned home
from the hospital after giving birth to Daniel, he wanted no one, including his
father, touching his brother. That trend continued two babies later. I never
understood where that protective instinct came from, but I guess it was just a
part of who he was.

He has
always been what you’d hope your first-born would be
—
loving,
responsible, caring. And he always set the example for his siblings. He loved
his family dearly, especially his brothers and little sis Megan. He’s always
put us first.

He
showed that recently after his dad died, giving up a job that he wanted so
badly and worked so hard for so that he could put the needs of our family
first. So that he could protect his father’s legacy.

He
always had a love for family. He purchased this big house with us in mind. We’ve
had so many fun memories here.

Then
months ago, he met Jada, and he fell in love. The last few months of his life
were the happiest I’d ever seen him. Jada, I don’t know if he ever got the
chance to tell you, but he told me, and I’m so thankful to you for making such
a huge difference and making my son so happy the last few months of his life.”

This
hurts so badly. I know her words are supposed to give me some comfort, but I
can’t seem to come to terms with the fact Jonathan is gone. Despite the fact
that the black urn with his ashes sits right in front of me, I don’t want to
believe it.

The
service is over. Caroline hired a bus to take us all to the lake where a
riverboat awaits. I don’t think I can do this. I simply don’t want to say goodbye.

I sit
on the upper deck of the riverboat, alone. There are so many memories here in
Lake Tahoe. This is where we met. It’s where we shared our first kiss. It’s
where
we
began, and it’s where I will say goodbye.

“Jada…”
I look over my shoulder and Daniel comes. He sits beside me.

“Hi,”
I reply. He’s been reserved, but Wendy is not present today. I’m not sure if
that was his choice, or his mother’s.

“I’m
sorry,” he says softly.

“I’m
sorry too,” I reply, fighting back the tears.

“I
know I’ve been distant… I have to admit I believed some of those rumors. I
should have trusted my father and my brother’s judgment.”

“It’s
fine. It’s over now,” I whisper.

“I’m
sorry about Wendy too. I didn’t want to believe she would use me the way she
did, but once I saw all those photos all over the news and in those magazines,
I realized she betrayed me.”

“I
know how that feels. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“Can
you forgive me?”

“Sure,”
I reply. He leans over and hugs me.

“Can
you leave me alone for a while, please?” I ask.

“Sure.
Should I send your mom or brother up?”

“No
thanks. I just need some time alone.”

He
leaves, and I gaze at a flock of birds as they fly over. I miss Jonathan so
much, and I know soon, it will be time to say a final goodbye.

Caroline
calls me down, and I know this is it. My body erupts into a violent quake.
Mommy and Bobby stand beside me, the priest says a prayer, then Jonathan’s
cousin
—
Rob, I think his name is
—
reads
the 23
^rd
Psalm.

Daniel
has the urn in his hand. When Rob is done, Caroline pulls the lid off the top.
Through the speakers, the words of the song
Dust
In The Wind
come through. Seemingly so
appropriate, she takes the urn, empties some of the contents, then passes it to
Daniel. He does the same then passes it to Pierce, then lastly to Megan. I am
so sad at the sight of what’s left of him blowing in the wind, but then Megan
walks over to me with her arms outstretched with the urn.

I
hesitate. I’m surprised. I did not know they planned for me to be involved in this.

“It’s
okay,” she whispers. “You’re the last. You can empty it all out.”

I take
it from her then nervously walk to the boat’s edge. I’m so afraid. As I tilt it
over, and I watch the dust travel in the wind, I realize I’m letting him go. I’m
saying my final goodbye. Goodbye to the short beautiful time that we shared,
goodbye to any hopes and dreams that we might have shared, and goodbye to any
sort of life that might have involved Jonathan Kole. As I look at the dust that
falls upon the blue waters, I am aware that this is it… it’s over, done, ended.
He’s not coming back. I feel my knees go weak, and I fall in my brother’s arms.

As the
boat heads back to the California side of the lake, a stunning sunset glows
above, and I have to take that to mean he is happy and safe in his final
resting place.

Days
later, Mom,
Bobby, and Val say their goodbyes, and I’m
alone once more. Really alone.

I’ve
been putting on a brave face, but every day has been a struggle. It’s something
I need to get through on my own, and perhaps with some divine intervention. I
am happiest and most at peace in a beautiful place with my camera, so I search
the internet for some place I can lose myself in for a while, in an attempt to
get my life back on track. I need a complete change of scenery.

On my
bedside table, the red envelope Jonathan gave me at dinner last week ago
catches my attention. My mind is made up. I’m going to Chile.

After
some calls to Ian, Caroline, and Bobby, the following morning, Phillip escorts
me to the airport, sees to it that I get on the jet, and soon I am on a twelve-hour
flight bound for Patagonia, Chile.

I
should have thought out this trip a little better. While from the pictures I’ve
seen, this place I’ll be visiting is out of this world, Jonathan and I should
have taken this trip together. I wonder if I’m doing myself any favors by
travelling so soon on my own after his death to a place we’d planned to visit
together.

After
the funeral, Caroline was supportive, but at times, it was difficult for me to
be around his family. In a strange way, it was a sad reminder that he was gone.

I miss
him every second of every minute of every day. I’ve managed to curb my tears
and emotions to only when I’m in absolute privacy. To the outsider, it may seem
like I’m coping well, but it feels like I found out five seconds ago he died.
The pain of losing him is still as raw as it felt a week ago.

I find
myself keeping his unwashed T-shirt he last wore with me. I know physically, I
did all the things to say goodbye, but emotionally, I still haven’t let him go.

I go
through complete extremes. At times, for days I don’t sleep. Other times, I
sleep the pain away. I know I’ve lost weight. How much, I’m not sure, but it’s
enough for the cast on my wrist to be a tad loose.

I have
to believe that I’ll make it through this and everything else I’ve been through
the last few months. How? I have no idea…

It’s
nightfall when
I finally arrive at the small resort. I can’t
see too much, but the overwhelming sounds of the waterfall downstream surround
me when I step out of the vehicle.

My
suite is simple with clean contemporary lines and maple wood. The fabrics and
furnishings are all white, creating a tranquil atmosphere. I look forward to
tomorrow. I’m eager to see the stunning ice capped mountains that border this
place.

I
shower and crawl into bed after a long day of travelling. Three hours of
tossing and turning later, without a bit of sleep, I get dressed. Bundled in at
least four layers of clothing, I take a walk outside.

I can’t
see too much, but this place smells clean, untouched, unspoiled. I climb onto
some rocks that overlook the river in front of me and absorb the sounds of
running water.

I wish
Jonathan were here. I wonder if he thinks about me the way I think about him in
wherever that place he might be is. I wonder what his life is like on the other
side.

I feel
so empty. I’m not sure what my purpose here on earth is anymore. I used to love
my life, my work, how I earned my living. I still love what I’ve accomplished
and the little enterprise I created, but I question whether it’s something I’ll
ever want to return to daily.

It
could be I’m feeling this way because I’m dealing with so much now. I’m not
certain of much anymore. Why was Daddy taken away from me with no warning? What
was the reason I was with a man who lied to me for years? Why did my best
friend betray me? Why did Jonathan come into my life? Why, when after I fell in
love with him, was he taken away?