Love, Laughter, and Happily Ever Afters Collection (118 page)

The tears are threatening now and my breath is coming fast. “Brad, I think we need some space.” His eyes go wide, but I continue. “You’re…well, you’re amazing and wonderful and witty. You’re kind and sweet. You make me smile.”

He interrupts me, holding his hand up. “Stop. Don’t do this.”

“Let me talk, Brad.” I rush the words out as fast as I can. “I’ve never felt so much before. For a long time, I shut off my feelings because it hurt too much. Somehow, you found your way into my heart. But…”

“Gabby. I don’t want space. You don’t know what you’re saying. I want
you
. I…I care about you so much.”

I look down at my hands, the pain filling his eyes too much to bear.

Brad lifts my chin to his, not letting me break eye contact. His hands cradle my face. “How can you think this will be better for me, Gabby? Better for us? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know what you’re doing. You’re not giving me space, you’re walking away! Dammit, Gabby, I’m not going to let you walk out of my life. You don’t freaking get it! I was dead inside before I met you. You awakened something in me, and if you think I’m letting you walk out of my life, you’re more insane than I am. If you want space, I’ll give you that, but I’m gonna fight like hell for you. With every breath that I have, I’ll fight for you.”

I push him away and stand up, trying to put some distance between us. “Brad. Just stop. You have to listen to me.”

“No, I don’t. You listen to me now,” he demands, moving towards me. He rakes his hands through his hair and begins pacing the blue shag with heavy feet. “I get it. I really do. I know you’ve pushed away feeling for so long. You want to stay numb; it’s easier that way. That’s how I was, too. First after my mom, and then Clara, I shut down and wouldn’t let anybody in. Then, one day, I woke up and realized that they wouldn’t want me to die inside. They’d want me to be happy. They’d want me to live. So I honor their memories by living, by being happy.

“It’s not that…” But he’s right, it is.

He stops pacing and grabs my hands in his. “I know you miss Clark. But he wouldn’t want you to shut down, Gabby. He’d want you to live your life, to find happiness again.”

I choke back my anger and twist my body away from him. I don’t want him to see me. “No, Brad, I don’t know what he wants, because he’s
dead
!”

A shocked look overtakes Brad’s face. I might as well have slapped him.

Teardrops continue to crash to the floor and break apart, just like my heart. I want to run. I want to hide. Mostly, I want to scream. I want to scream at all the people who’ve ever hurt me. I want to yell at my parents, who always expected me to be something I’m not; for not loving me, unconditionally, no matter my choices. I want to yell at my sister for not being there for me, not loving me enough. But mostly, I want to scream at Clark for leaving me that night, for not taking me with him.

Brad grabs my arm and spins me around, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. “Gabby, please don’t do this. I can’t bear the thought of being without you. You’re too important to me. I need you so much.”

“Let me go, Brad. You have to let me go!”

There’s only one other person I’ve felt this way about in my entire life. Now, the thought of not being with Brad makes me want to curl up in a little ball in a corner and just stay there. With one touch, with one word, with one breath, he can unravel me. I’ve worked so hard up to this point not to let anyone get too close to me. Tears are falling down my shirt and soaking the carpet. I hold on to Brad so I can imprint him in my memory, then I pull away. The door is inches from me now. All I have to do is walk through it. I can do this. The carpet moves beneath my feet and the door creaks open.

“Dammit, Gabby. Don’t fucking do this! You can’t do this!”

I take one enormous breath, and without so much as a look back, walk over the threshold. The door closes, and just like that my heart slams against my chest and I know I’ll never be the same. I hear a loud crashing sound and the echo of shattered glass; it mimics my heart.

I stumble with shaky legs down the hallway and out to the street, a burst of cool air smacking me in the face. I need Fran. Frantically, I dig through the clutter in my purse and pull out my phone. It’s ringing, and I’m silently praying she’s there.

Thankfully, she picks up, her usual, perky self. “Hey, sweetie!”

A sob betrays me. “Fran, are you at home? I really need you.”

“Gabby, what is it? Why are you crying? What happened, honey?”

The tears come, but the words don’t.

With a fierce resolve, Fran says, “I’m here, honey. Kyle just left. I’m not going anywhere.”

My trembling legs barely carry me to the subway. I feel eyes all over me as tears crawl down my mascara-smeared cheeks, and I’m silently telling them all to fuck off. Squeezing my eyes shut, I suck into myself and pray that no one touches me. Tonight, I won’t be responsible for my actions.

When Fran opens the door to and sees my face, she says nothing, just pulls me forward and holds me while I sob in her arms. We stand there for several minutes until the tears subside. She takes my hand and leads me to her bedroom, then sits me down and removes my shoes. After fluffing up her pillow, she pulls the duvet over me. Kneeling on the bed next to me, she takes my hand in hers. “Talk to me, Gabby. Tell me what happened.”

“I broke Brad’s heart, that’s what happened. I told him I needed space. But I’m really letting him go.”

With concern in her voice, she sighs, “Oh, Gabby.” She strokes my hair. “Why would you do that, honey? I know how much you care about him, and you’d have to be blind to not see how much he cares about you. You’ve finally opened up, Gabby. I haven’t seen you like this since Clark. Is that what this is about? Because he’s not Clark, Gabby. He’s not going anywhere.”

“I know he cares about me. Right now, anyway. But ultimately, I’ll end up disappointing him like I do everyone else in my life. I don’t deserve to be happy, Fran, not while Clark’s laying in the ground.”

Fran takes a deep breath. “Gabby, listen to me. I know you’ve been hurt. I know the people you loved the most in your life let you down. I know, deep down, you feel that if they loved you enough, they wouldn’t have walked away from you. I know your family has made you feel that you’re not worthy of love. But let me fucking tell you something, Gabrielle Willis. If there’s anyone on this earth who deserves to be loved, and loved hard, it’s you. You’re my best friend, and one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. The way you live your life, the way you appreciate everything, is admirable. You’re such a giving person and you appreciate it all, the good and the bad. You know it has value in your life. Life’s lessons, you always tell me. You take those lessons and turn them into something positive. I love that about you. I’m not the only one, Gabby. It’s impossible not to love you.”

I bury my face in the comforter, smearing my tears all over it. “I just can’t do this, Fran. I don’t have the strength.”

Fran’s voice becomes stern. “Now you listen to me. Brad’s not your family, Gabby. He’s not. I know you’re scared. I know you think he’ll end up being just like them, or that you’ll lose him. Clark loved you, Gabby, and he would’ve wanted you to go on with your life, to be happy.”

“I was supposed to be happy with him, Fran. I thought we were meant to be.”

“I know, sweetie. But none of us know what life has in store for us, or how much time we have. Life is a risk, and you have to take risks if you’re ever going to have a chance at happiness. I want you to be happy. I’ve seen the way you are with Brad; he makes you happy. Take a chance. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I know you’re worried about getting hurt. But isn’t there also a chance that you’ll end up experiencing the happiness you’ve been searching for, for so long? Regardless of what happens, Gabby, I’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

Fran’s words swirl around in my head. “I just don’t know if I can, Fran. I just don’t know if I can get past the fear.”

We sit in silence as Fran wipes the last of the tears from my face. In the comfort of her bed, I fall into a restless sleep, haunted by soft brown eyes, pain, and overwhelming disappointment.

CHAPTER THIRTY

THE DAYS DRAG on but, before I know it, another week is over. It’s been seven whole days and I haven’t heard from Brad at all. Why would I? I told him I needed space. He’s just doing what I asked. I force myself to go back to Starbucks so I don’t have to see him. I can’t even share with him that I went to the information meeting and actually applied to Parsons for next year. Concentrating is so much harder than I thought. Everything in my being craves him. I miss his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his dimple. I miss that adorable wink he always gave me when I walked into his shop. I miss his touch. The way he made my skin shiver and my heart skip a beat. I miss
him
. I recognize this longing. It’s all too familiar. It hurts. It physically hurts.

When I get home, Fran is waiting for me with compassion in her eyes. “Hey sweetie, how are you?”

I walk over to the sofa and fall backwards with a thump. “I’m okay, Fran.”

She comes over and takes a seat next to me, resting her hand on my thigh. “I saw Brad at the coffee shop today.”

The sound of his name makes me lose my breath. Is he okay? Does he miss me? The question looming in my head makes its way out. “How is he?” I ask in a hoarse whisper.

“He asked about you. And Gabby? He looks miserable.”

Fran doesn’t leave my side all weekend except to buy me some of my favorite things. She holds up an overstuffed grocery bag and a handful of DVDs. “I’ve got Twizzlers, Swedish Fish, Hershey’s Kisses, and a couple of chick flicks.”

No matter how many Twizzlers or Swedish Fish I eat, I can’t stop thinking about Brad.

“Oh, and I almost forgot, I picked up your favorite ice cream.”

When she pulls out Liana’s Double Chocolate Brownie, I practically lose it.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

IT’S DAY TEN without Brad. The pain isn’t going away. If anything, it’s getting worse. I have so much freaking work to do and don’t feel like doing anything. I’m deleting messages without even listening to them and I’m making sticky note puzzles on my desk.

Robby finally calls me into his office and I panic. I’m afraid he’s on to me and I’m going to get fired. When I walk in, he’s got his hands behind his head and his feet up on his desk, looking the opposite of what I expected. “Gabby, sit down, dahling, you look like you need a chair.” Then he pauses. “What’s going on with you? You haven’t been yourself lately. Is there anything I can do, sweetheart?”

“No, thanks, Robby. I’ve just got a lot going on right now.”

He nods sympathetically. “Yes, by a lot going on you mean a guy, don’t you?”

“Kind of.”

“Gabby, honey. There’s either a yes or a no, there’s no kind of.”

“Yes.”

“Well, let me know if you there’s anything I can do. In the meantime, shake it off and get that cute little head wrapped around my sticky notes.”

When I get back to my desk, I grab my coffee, hoping it will revitalize me, and go to the lunch room to heat it up, though hot or cold, it still tastes like shit. I plunk back down in my chair and manage to make it through a good chunk of Robby’s to-do list. I type reports all morning, which is pretty mindless, so it gives me a much-needed break. At lunchtime, though, thoughts of Brad are unavoidable. The receptionist arrives at my cubicle with a dozen lavender tiger lilies that were delivered for me, with a card attached.

Gabby,

I told you I’d give you space, but I never said I wouldn’t fill your space with flowers.

Brad

My heart swells. He’s thinking about me. He hasn’t given up on me.

It’s hard not to stare at the flowers throughout the day. They’re so damn happy. Just like Brad. They’re also my favorite color. He remembered. The smell pervades my office and makes it difficult to concentrate. What the hell? I couldn’t concentrate anyway. Who am I fooling?

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

THE DAYS MARCH forward, and the flower deliveries keep coming. On day two, yellow sunflowers. On day three, pink chrysanthemums. On day four, red gerbera daisies. Every day there’s a new note and I have to do everything in my power not to break down and call Brad.

By the end of the week, it looks like a botanical garden in here, and I can’t help but smile. At this point, I’m nervously twiddling my fingers in anticipation of today’s flower delivery, but it never comes. Instead, after lunch, a kid in a baseball cap wearing a red cape stands beside my cubicle, holding a cup with The Brew House logo on the side and a bag of Twizzlers. I smile. Of course I smile. I wonder how much Brad had to pay him to wear the cape.

By now, I’m prepared with tip money. He hands me the cup and Twizzlers and waves goodbye. The cup holds a piping hot Salted Caramel Mocha and the Twizzlers have an envelope taped to the side.

Dear Gabby,

It’s been fifteen days of no special coffee for you. I was afraid you might be going through withdrawal. Although it can’t be nearly as bad as the withdrawal I’m going through without you. I miss you, baby.

Brad

My heart hurts. I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. There’s a part of me that wants to reach out to him, but I’m so scared. I notice a longer note folded inside the card; my hands shake a little as I open it.

Dear Gabby,

There are some things I need to say to you. I didn’t want to put this in a letter, but you’re leaving me no choice.

I know you’re scared. I’m scared, too. I know you feel like everyone in your life has let you down. People walk away from you just because, or they’re pulled from your life unexpectedly. That’s not me, Gabby. I’m not walking away from you. Ever. There’s no way that will happen. Do you want to know why, Gabby? I’ve never felt this way before about anyone. The moment I think about you, I smile. When you’re near me, I feel calm. I can relax. I can be myself. I feel acceptance. You let me be me. I know I’m crazy sometimes, but with you it’s okay. God, Gabby, it’s so hard to put all this into words, because sometimes there are no words. You’ve shined a light on me, exposed me, left me bare. I’m not embarrassed, though, because I feel free.