Love Is... (22 page)

Dominic stared at me.

‘Ladies and gentlemen,' the movie trailer voiceover began, ‘please make your way back into the hall. The Love Language workshops will commence in two minutes.'

Dominic carried on drinking his coffee.

‘So,' I said when my mouth was empty. ‘Do you really believe love is a product?'

He shrugged his shoulders. ‘It is for us, Ellie. We sell love. Our business is a product, not a service. Our clients don't want a process, they want the finished product: a life partner who will solve all their problems.'

I shook my head. ‘I don't expect Nick to solve all my problems,' I said, reaching for another biscuit, ‘only the ones he's created.'

Dominic laughed.

‘Ladies and gentlemen,' the movie trailer voiceover began again. ‘This is your final call. Please make your way back into the hall. The Love Language workshops will commence in one minute.'

I put my coffee cup down on the table. The man with the walkie-talkie ushered us in with a glare. Jed was already centre stage, but the rows of chairs had been reconfigured into pairs facing each other. The attendees were lined up, two by two, as though ready to board Jed's ark.

Just as we were led to the back of the queue, Jed leaped off the stage like a frog off a lily pad and made his way towards us.

He held his hands out. ‘OK, guys,' he said loudly into his mic so everyone could hear, ‘I'm sensing some resistance with this couple.'

Dominic and I looked at each other. I felt the urge to giggle but I managed to suppress it.

Jed glanced back at the attendees. ‘And we all know the cause of resistance?' Some arms shot up. But clearly tired of audience participation, Jed decided to answer his own question. ‘Fear,' he shouted. ‘Fear,' he said again, approaching Dominic.

Dominic drew himself up to full height, which easily dwarfed Jed. Jed jumped on one of the chairs to compensate. ‘Fear,' he said, ‘is all in here.' He poked Dominic in the forehead.

Dominic looked as though he were about to head butt him.

‘Tell us what you're afraid of?' Jed asked, leaning in to read Dominic's name tag. ‘Mandi.'

Dominic turned to me. I looked at Jed.

‘Go on,' Jed said, throwing his arm around Dominic's neck. ‘Share with us. What is your biggest fear?'

Dominic looked at him and then took a deep breath. ‘Becoming so self-obsessed that I spend four thousand dollars on a life-improvement seminar, lining the pockets of a self-appointed
Master of a practice with no evidence-based outcomes and further contributing to the exploitation of stupid people who think Chinese is a language.'

Jed forced a smile and nodded. ‘Behind fear there is always pain. We have a lot of work to do. But we're all here for you, Mandi, we're here to support you. Aren't we?' Then, after leading the audience into a clap, he dragged Dominic and I to the first two chairs.

‘Thanks for volunteering, guys. We really want to help you find your love languages. Give a big hand to the lovely couple.' Jed leaned forward and read my name tag. ‘Ellie,' he said, ‘and Mandi.'

I went to put my hand up, to explain that we weren't a couple, and that Dominic wasn't really called Mandi, but I quickly realised it would be fruitless. Jed bounced around between us, explaining the rules of the exercise.

‘This workshop is called “Harnessing Your Voice”,' he said. ‘OK, Ellie, you go first. Finish this sentence.' He grabbed my head turned it to face Dominic. ‘Repeat after me, Ellie,' Jed said. ‘I feel angry when you…'

I looked at Dominic, who was smirking, then at Jed and then back at the audience.

‘Go on,' said Jed.

I took a deep breath and looked Dominic in the eye. ‘I feel angry when…you say I'm wrong.'

Jed clapped. ‘Excellent, Ellie. Now, can you explain why that makes you angry?'

I laughed. ‘It makes me angry because I know I'm right.'

Jed nodded again. ‘Well done. And why do you like people to know you're right?'

I looked back at Dominic, who now had his finger on his
chin and was leaning forward with his legs crossed, like a college professor.

‘Go on,' said Jed.

I scratched my head. ‘Because it means they will listen to me.'

Jed nodded his head slowly. ‘And why do you like it when people listen to you?'

I drummed my fingers on my leg. ‘Because then I can help them.'

A frown flickered across Jed's face. ‘Excellent. And why do you like to help people?'

‘So they will be happy.'

‘Why do you like people to be happy?'

‘Because sadness is terrible.'

‘Wow,' said Jed, taking in a sharp breath and thumping his heart. ‘This is powerful.' He turned to the audience and then back to Dominic. ‘Do you see here? When you say Ellie is right, she feels she can make the world happy. When you disagree with her, she feels powerless as though the world will spiral into sadness. Can you understand now why Ellie might react so emotionally when you don't agree with her?'

Dominic nodded, his expression almost sincere.

Then Jed turned back to me. ‘Do you think you can save everyone from sadness, Ellie?'

I thought for a moment, then nodded.

‘And if I questioned that assumption, how would you feel?'

I stared at him, then glanced around the room, feeling like an ill-prepared prime minister at question time. ‘Well, you'd be wrong,' I said.

Jed raised his eyebrows. ‘Defensiveness is just another form of resistance,' he said, leaning forward to touch my
shoulder. Then he turned to the audience. ‘And what is resistance fuelled by?' he asked.

‘Fear,' they chanted, like a pack of newly converted cult members.

I glared out at the crowd. ‘I'm not fearful,' I said, loudly enough for them to all hear me, including a guy at the back in an AC/DC T-shirt who appeared to be recording the entire workshop on his mobile phone.

Jed stepped forward and squeezed my shoulder again. ‘So I'll ask you once more. What if people couldn't be saved from sadness? How would you feel?'

My stomach flipped. I turned to Dominic.

‘But they can,' I said.

‘What if they can't?' he asked again, his face moving closer to mine. ‘What if sadness is a natural and inevitable emotional state for all of us?'

I narrowed my eyes. ‘But it isn't,' I said.

‘What if it was?' he asked again, his face so close I could feel his breath.

I looked down. ‘Then I'd be redundant.'

‘Redundant?' he asked.

‘Of purpose,' I said.

He nodded slowly, then lifted his head to the crowd. ‘Redundant or free?'

I frowned. ‘Free?'

‘Of the burden you've placed on your shoulders.' He leaned forward and rubbed my shoulders while looking into my eyes. ‘World happiness is a heavy load to bear,' he said with the hint of a smirk.

I brushed him off and went to stand up.

He pushed me back down again. ‘As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, when we get to the root of the issue, the resistance
increases. We have to keep going. It's like an exorcism.'

I heard Dominic giggling.

Jed spun round to face him, then readdressed the audience. ‘And often,' Jed said, ‘the partner may try to sabotage their lover's emotional growth, fearful that it may lead to abandonment.'

I glanced at Dominic, who was rolling his eyes.

Jed turned back to me. ‘Are you ready now?'

I flinched. ‘Ready for what?'

‘To question your assumption?'

I sighed. ‘Go on then.'

He sprang towards his flip chart and grabbed a marker. He read the words out as he wrote them.

‘I believe I can save the world from sadness,' he said, then turned to me.

‘Is this true?'

I nodded. ‘Sort of. But it does make me sound like I think I'm some kind of messiah.'

Jed nodded. I immediately imagined Ernest chipping in via satellite link to Texas, diagnosing delusions of grandeur.

‘So would you like to amend it?' Jed asked.

I scrunched up my mouth and stared at the words. ‘OK,' I said eventually. ‘I believe that
sometimes,
I may be able to help
some
people avoid
some
sadness.'

Jed nodded slowly. ‘And the reverse of that is?'

I shrugged my shoulders.

He sighed. ‘You believe that some of the time you
can't
help some people avoid some sadness?'

I repeated the sentence in my head before agreeing. ‘Yes,' I said.

‘Which means?'

I looked at him, wondering what it was I needed to say to conclude this torturous exercise. ‘I'm free?' I said.

Jed jumped in the air and clapped. ‘Breakthrough!' he shouted. Suddenly the audience began clapping.

Jed raised his arms to the ceiling. ‘Breakthrough!' he shouted again, before pulling me up from the chair and holding my arm aloft. ‘She's free,' he shouted.

Dominic suddenly jumped up beside me, grinning. ‘You're free, Ellie! You're free!' he shouted, mimicking Jed's accent, before grabbing me round the waist and pulling me away from Jed and towards him.

The audience became more frenzied, clapping wildly, while loudly chanting: ‘Breakthrough. Breakthrough.' The man with the AC/DC T-shirt began to sob.

When the crowd eventually calmed, Dominic leaned into me and squeezed me around the waist. I flinched. It was the exact same way Nick used to hold me when we first met.

‘This guy is mental,' he whispered in my ear. ‘Let's get out of here.'

I glanced around and saw Jed watching us.

Jed lifted his arms in the air again but this time his face was serious. ‘OK,' he said. ‘Quiet, please. Our work is not yet done.' Then he walked towards Dominic and gestured firmly for him to sit down. ‘Your turn now,' he said.

Dominic looked around him and then up at me as if searching for intervention. I shrugged my shoulders and offered an apologetic smile.

Jed stood facing Dominic, then asked his opening question.

‘Finish this statement,' he began, nodding at Dominic and then turning to me. ‘Ellie, I feel angry when you…'

Dominic rolled his eyes and sat down. ‘Ellie, I feel angry when you…' he paused, then laced his fingers together and smirked ‘…when you exclude me.'

‘From what?' I asked.

Jed glared at me. ‘Let Mandi speak, please, Ellie.' Then he turned back to Dominic, who had now adopted a sad, victim-like repose.

‘Go on, Mandi,' Jed said, nodding at him encouragingly. ‘What is it that Ellie does that makes you feel excluded?'

Dominic glanced up at him. ‘Excludes me,' he said as though Jed were a bit simple.

‘Yes,' Jed said, looking more irritated now than encouraging. ‘From what do you feel excluded?'

Dominic glanced down at his hands. ‘Oh, I don't know, decisions, I suppose.'

Now Jed nodded. ‘And how does that make you feel?'

I secretly willed Dominic to say ‘excluded', but it was as though he forgot to be disdainful of the process for a moment.

‘Unwanted,' he said, before closing his mouth quickly.

Jed looked to the audience, many of whom were nodding their heads, or murmuring concern. ‘Abandonment again,' Jed said, addressing the audience.

Dominic shuffled in his seat. ‘I meant my opinions are unwanted.' He scratched his nose and then glanced up at me. I smiled.

Jed observed our interaction before proceeding. ‘So how do you feel when you think your opinions are unwanted?'

‘Pissed off,' Dominic replied.

‘Anger is fear remember, Mandi.'

Dominic rolled his eyes.

Jed continued. ‘Why do you want your opinions to be wanted?'

‘So I feel included.'

Jed sighed and then glanced sideways at the clock. ‘And when you're included you feel?'

‘Good,' Dominic replied.

‘Because?'

‘Oh, I don't know. Because I feel needed, I suppose.'

Jed cocked his head. ‘And if you don't feel needed, you feel?'

Dominic looked at me and then at the crowd and then glared at Jed. ‘Rejected. There, I said it. I have a fear of abandonment. You were right. Probably something to do with the fact that my mother died when I was two and my fiancée was killed in a car crash.'

Jed stood motionless for a moment. Then he stepped back and turned to the audience. ‘Breakthrough,' he said softly, before tentatively raising his arms. ‘Breakthrough,' he said louder this time. The audience followed his lead, most with expressions as bewildered as Jed's. ‘Breakthrough!' he screamed and began clapping louder, before completing his victory lap of the hall, which this time seemed less of a lap and more of a direct sprint away from me and Dominic.

As the audience's eyes followed Jed, Dominic jumped up and took my hand.

‘Let's go,' he said, leading me away.

When we reached the doors, they were locked. Dominic tried to force the handle but it wouldn't budge. Moments later, the man with the walkie-talkie appeared beside us.

‘Can I help you?' he asked in a way that implied he regularly rehearsed the question in front of a mirror.

Dominic glared at him. ‘We'd like to leave,' he said.

Walkie-talkie man shook his head. ‘No,' he said. ‘Mr Tandy insists that all delegates complete the workshops.'

Dominic squared up to him. ‘We would like to leave,' he repeated. ‘Now please open the door.'

Suddenly Jed was beside us, looking a little flushed. ‘Don't worry, Geoff, these two can go. They've both had breakthroughs.'

Geoff's eyes widened. He looked at Jed, then back at us. ‘Didn't you say resistance is fear, Jed?'

Jed shuffled from foot to foot.

Geoff stared at him some more. ‘What is it you fear about these two, Jed?' he asked, hooking his walkie-talkie to his belt and then resting his arms on Jed's shoulders.