Love Is a State of Mind: Nobody's Life is Perfect (20 page)

“So, what’s wrong with Gaz, then?  You said he was limping?” says Ben, feeding him part of a bread roll.

“Not sure … I can’t find anything wrong, but it seems to be getting worse each day.  He didn’t want to come out tonight, but I forced him.”

“Oh dear, Gaz, what’s the matter?  Maybe you ought to take him to the vet?”

“I think I might, if it doesn’t change.  He hates the vet, don’t you, Gaz?”

I’m aware that our conversation is focussing on Gaz again – so much easier than talking about anything else.  I still can’t understand why this man is wasting his time on me – surely he has other friends he’d rather be with?  I take a surreptitious look at him – he’s not wearing his paint-spattered clothes of course – jeans, suede tan boots, checked shirt open at the neck and a dark brown leather jacket.  I can’t help thinking he’s rather gorgeous – his eyes are mesmerising – and becoming more so, as the night progresses.

The alcohol is loosening my tongue and after a brief pause I say, “Anyway, enough of Gaz – why aren’t you out clubbing or something?  I’m sure you must have friends in Bath you’d rather be with?  Don’t feel you’ve got to entertain me or anything, I’ll be off to my bed soon.” (Why did I say that?  It could be taken two ways: one, an invitation to join me in said bed or two, I’m the most boring woman on the planet, going to bed before midnight on New Year’s Eve.)

“No, clubbing’s not my scene at all – never was, even when I was younger.  You can’t leave before twelve, anyway – that’s the whole point!” He swigged from his beer.  “After Grace left, I’ve found people we knew as a couple kind of drifted away … we had friends through Daisy who’ve disappeared … so no, in answer to your question, and in the words of the song, there’s no place I’d rather be.  I love this pub and the company,” he grinned, and in my slightly inebriated state, I imagine a smile of something more than friendship. 

God, I really must get out more.  There’s no way …

Before I could stop myself I said, “How old are you, Ben?  Sorry … that’s rude, but …”

“No, I don’t mind.  I’m forty-five.  Mid-life, I think it’s called.  How about you?  I know you should never ask a woman her age, you said you’d retired, but you look far too young …”

“Well, that’s very kind of you to say, young sir, but … yes, I
am
retired – as a teacher you can take early retirement at fifty-five.  So … now you know!”

“I’d never have guessed, just looking at you.  You keep yourself fit, I assume?  Do you go to the gym or something?”  Ben’s flattery seems natural, not forced and I glow inside, thinking, maybe … I don’t look so bad after all.

“I try to swim as much as I can, which reminds me, I must start going again.  I haven’t been anywhere near a pool since I got here.  And of course, I’m always walking Gaz.”

“My job’s pretty physical, so I don’t do much else – that’s my excuse, anyway.  I love taking Daisy swimming when I can.”

“When are you seeing her next?”

“Hopefully, next Saturday.  Grace is letting me have her for a sleep-over.  Perhaps we could meet up – she’d love Gaz.”

I’m quietly thinking to myself that there’s only a ten year age gap.  Is it so improbable that this man is chatting me up?  I can feel a connection, can’t I?

Time drifts by … the owner of the pub puts on the TV, so that we can all see the celebrations in London.  The clock is saying ten minutes to go, people are standing up and going to the bar to collect a glass of bubbly that our ticket includes.  There’s a great atmosphere and the earlier thought of not wanting people to kiss me at midnight, has evaporated.  As I look across at Ben, I quite look forward to it.

“Shall we go to the bar too?” he says.  “We can leave Gaz here in front of the fire.  He doesn’t look as if he’s bothered either way.”

“Yea, let’s,” I say and as we walk over to join the others, I feel Ben’s arm round my back.  It’s a good feeling.

Soon, the countdown begins and we all join in, shouting out the numbers and finally Happy New Year!  As Ben turns to me, all smiles and openness, I have no qualms.  He puts his arms around my shoulders, kisses one cheek, then the other and says, “Happy New Year, Anna!  This is going to be a better year for you, I’m sure.”  I kiss him back and say, “Hopefully … and for you too.”  I like the feel of his lips on my cheek, the tickle of his stubble and the smell of him.

Then we get whisked away by other people on a tide of good wishes and I surprise myself by actually enjoying it.  We then all link arms and sing Auld Lang Syne and I find myself opposite Ben.  We laugh at each other and his eyes twinkle through the pub’s low light.

“Why the hell do we all sing this every year?” he shouts over the now even louder music.  “Ridiculous song, isn't it?”

“Mad, but it wouldn’t seem right without it, would it?”

“You’re right!  Do you fancy a dance?  They’ve cleared a space …”

By this time, I’m quite light-headed – euphoric even.  The combination of all the drink, the friendly atmosphere and a good-looking forty-five year old taking an interest in me, combines to make me feel almost desirable again.  I shout, “Sure!” above the music and he grabs my hand and forces his way through the throng.  “Tonight’s gonna be a good night” is playing and forgetting past inhibitions I dance, not caring what people think of me, for a change.  Ben’s a surprisingly good dancer (I see David dancing suddenly – he was never very good, but we always had a laugh and messed  around). 

“Are you okay?” Ben shouts.

“Yes, Fine! Why?”

“You suddenly look … sad.”

“Do I?”  My memory must have surfaced to my face and I try to smile.  “Sorry … just thinking …”

“Don’t think,” says Ben.  “Just enjoy the beat!”

And he’s so right.  Enjoy the beat.  Don’t think.  That’s the way.

We dance to several more songs and then we go over to see Gaz.  Ben rests his arm round my back again, as he ushers me through the people.  Gaz is splayed flat out, looking for all the world as if he owns the fireplace.

“I think I better take him home, Ben,” I say, making Gaz my excuse.

“Really?  The night’s still young …”

“No … I think I better …” I say, not really knowing why I want to escape.

“Okay, I’ll walk you back.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.  I wouldn’t dream of letting you walk home alone.”  He gets my coat and helps me put it on.  “I think I’ll call it a night too, if you’re going.”

As we walk back, the city encircles us; it’s a clear, cold night, the stars are shining brightly through the amber glow of the city’s air pollution and the odd firework pops and sizzles above us.  Ben takes my arm and we amble slowly, taking it all in.  Gaz limps by my side and I feel an anxiety I haven’t felt before about him.  I look down.  “Come on old chap, nearly home now,” I say.

At the door, I hesitate slightly.  I can’t find my key, but then find it, buried in one of the many little interior pockets of my bag.

“Thanks for tonight, Ben.  Thanks for suggesting it,” I say, as I put my key in the lock.

I turn round and Ben puts his arms around me and we hug each other.  “It’s been a great evening, Anna,” and he squeezes me hard.  He pulls back and still with his hands on my shoulders, he leans forward and gently kisses my lips.  They feel warm and soft on mine, but I don’t respond.  I pull back.

“Sorry,” he says, looking directly into my eyes.

“No … don’t be … I’m just kind of surprised, I suppose,” I say, “you’re younger than me …”

His eyes stare into mine.  “Does it matter?”

“No … I suppose not … I don’t know …” 

He hugs me again.  I like the feel of him, the warmth of another human being. 

“Look,” he says, “let’s just see how it goes … I like you, Anna.  You like me, I think … I hope.  I love your dog!”  He reaches down and strokes Gaz’ head.  “Let’s go on a date.”

My stomach does a small little flip of excitement.  Am I really being asked out on a date by this man?  “Okay … you choose,” I say.  “Surprise me.”

He kisses my lips again and says, “I’ll text you,” and walks away down the path.  I open the door and we wave.

I close the door and lean back on it.  I can remember his lips, as clearly as if they are still on mine.  I try to remember David’s lips, but I can’t.

Can we go to bed now?
asks Gaz. 
It’s way past my bedtime.

Chapter Seventeen

“So, how was your New Year’s Eve?” says Holly.  I’m lying on the bed, still in my pyjamas and it’s already midday.

“Really good.  Surprisingly good, actually.  What about yours?”

“No, you tell me first …”

“Well, the pub was full and the atmosphere was great and …”

“ … and, and, what about this Ben, though?  Was he there?”

“He was, actually, and if you must know, he’s asked me out on a date!”

“Oh my God, Mum, that’s brilliant.  I can’t believe it!”

“Oh charming,” I laugh, “you can’t believe your old mother’s capable of getting a date?”  I catch sight of myself in the dressing room mirror.  I look a bit rough, but decide I don’t look so bad for my age.  Nothing a good layer of make up wouldn't improve.

“No, I don’t mean that at all – what I
meant
was, you’ve only been in Bath two seconds and you’ve already been asked out.  This change of location has obviously worked wonders.”

“He’s ten years younger than me … does that seem wrong?”

“No … why should that matter?”

“That’s what
he
said.  Anyway, I said I’d go …”

“Go for it, Mum.  What have you got to lose?”

“Yea, you’re right, as usual.  Anyway, he’s going to text me – I probably won’t hear from him ever again.  So, how was
your
evening?  How’s the lovely Jed?”

“Fantastic!  We went to watch the fireworks, met up with loads of his friends and then went back to his place.  I’m still there now.  He’s just bought me a cup of coffee in bed.” 

I can hear muffled talk and giggles in the background.  “Sorry, Mum … I was rather distracted!”

“Lucky you.  Gaz and I are waiting for someone to bring us one.  Talking of which, poor old Gaz is limping badly.  I’m going to take him to the vets first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Oh dear.  Give him a kiss from me.  What do you think it is?”

“No idea,” I say and as I don’t want to worry her, I add, “I’m sure the vet will sort it out.”

*

I don’t hear from Ben on New Year’s Day.  I don’t know what I was expecting – a bunch of roses on the doorstep, a text declaring undying love?  But as I go to sleep, I decide it’s all too stupid.  Why would I
want
to go out with someone so much younger than me, when I still yearn to be with you, David? 

What did you do this evening?  Did you kiss Suzie on the lips and say how the next year was going to be amazing, now that she is in your life?  Did you both talk about the possibility of Suzie having your baby?  Was it just the two of you, snuggled up in our house together?  Did you tell each other how lucky you are, how you don’t need anyone else to celebrate with?

Do you remember last New Year’s Eve?  Adam was with his friends, sleeping over, and we decided that we had no desire to go out.  I cooked us a special meal and you bought us an expensive bottle of champagne.  We watched Jools Holland, saw the countdown and the fireworks and kissed each other at midnight.

It was a peaceful, contented night … or, that’s how I saw it.

Perhaps you were already wishing you were somewhere else …

*

I consider going back to our vets back home (yes, I still call it ‘home’) but then decide there must be plenty of good vets in Bath.  I google ‘vets’ and find there’s one just very near.

This morning, Gaz stays in his bed longer than normal and is only enticed to get out, with the offer of food.  He sucks it up in his normal hoover-like fashion and then goes and flops on the sofa, not wanting to go out.

I ring for an appointment and they give me one at 4 pm.  I feel as if I’m just filling in time until then, but I start googling flights to Australia and after much deliberation, I book my tickets.  When I press ‘Buy tickets’ my heart’s thumping – I check everything about ten times, to make sure I haven’t booked to go to a place called Adelaide in some place I’ve never heard of before.  No … Adelaide, Australia.  Definitely.  Jane had said I could go any time, so I don’t check with her before buying them.  They are a good price and I just want to get on with it.  I print everything out and stare at the A4 pieces rolling out of the printer.  I’m really going.  On my own.  To Australia.  My heart’s still thumping.

I email Jane with my dates and ask her if there’s anything she wants me to bring out from England.  Then I message Adam.

Hey!  Guess what?  I’ve booked my tickets.  4th March to 10th April.  Emirates, via Dubai.  So excited.  Do hope we can see each other, but don’t worry if it doesn’t fit in.  How was your New Year?  I went to a local pub and it was fun – probably not as fun as your night!  Haven’t seen any pics on Facebook recently – are you too busy working or something?  Hope all’s well?  Love you, Mum xx