Love Inspired November 2013 #2 (57 page)

Oh, no. Not now. Not yet. She'd wanted to tell him her own way, quietly, humbly. But the moment had come in a flurry of accusations.

“Will you listen if I try to explain?” She could barely see through a sudden sheen of tears, but she was desperate. To explain, to go back to the moment she should have told him everything.

He shrugged, brown eyes narrowed, expression tight with anger.

“When I graduated from journalism school, I moved to Aspen. I worked as a freelance photographer to pay the bills. Mostly I hid in the dark and tried to catch people doing things they shouldn't.” She took a quavering breath. It was all coming too fast, like it was rehearsed. She hated herself for feeling fear. It wasn't the guilt that hurt anymore; it was the fear of losing Gavin.

Gavin raised a hand, as if to ward off her words. His face was tight and pale. But when he didn't speak, she went on.

“I'd like to say it wasn't personal, but knowing the person I was then, I don't think that really would have mattered. It was thrilling to be around famous people. I also hated them because they weren't drowning under their college debt, like I was. When I heard Senator McHale was cheating on his wife, I decided to follow him until I got a picture I could sell. I knew there was a lot of money in it for me.” Her mouth felt sour, but she swallowed back her emotions. She needed to tell the truth, no matter what came next.

“You did it for the money.” His voice had dropped an octave.

Evie felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. Some small part of her realized she'd never seen Gavin angry. Not really. Not like this.

Evie stared up at him, emotions warring within her heart. No matter what good thing they might have had, it ended here. “I did sell those pictures of Allison. I didn't know who she was, but I knew the senator was running for President.”

She felt her eyes start to burn and angrily brushed them with the palms of her hands. She wasn't crying because of what she'd lost. She was angry at the person she had been so long ago. She would never be able to really get away from her past. It would always be lurking there, somewhere in the dark. She would be punished for her actions over and over.

“Once I realized how wrong it all was, I took the money and tried to do something better, something good for the world. It doesn't excuse my behavior. And I understand how it must feel, as Allison's brother—”

“No, you can't understand.” His head was bowed, as if he were carrying a terrible weight. “There is no way you could know what it's like to watch a person you love walk away from God, to live a lifestyle that only leads to disaster. I watched her throw everything away for a man who wasn't worth a second glance. And then she was shamed publically and abandoned by our parents.”

The pain in his face was like a physical blow. Evie felt her stomach roll. She didn't know what that was like, but she did know what it was to carry the guilt of that on her shoulders.

“I talked to Allison. We've made peace with it. And for what it's worth, I didn't know who she was before...” Her voice trailed off.
Before I met you.

“I'm glad she knows.”

Evie knew what he meant. He'd been afraid that Allison would feel the betrayal all over again, being sheltered in the home of the person who had ruined her life the first time around.

“But that makes me the last to know. You didn't feel like you could be honest. Even after we talked about truth and not hiding from each other.”

Evie put a hand to her chest, as if to keep her heart in its place, as if she could protect herself from his words. The resignation in his face was like the final nail in the coffin. It was over. “I wanted to explain at the right time, in the right way.”

“Any time would have been a good time.” His face was heavy with misery. “I never liked journalists.”

Evie was silent for a beat. “I'm sorry for who I was, but not for who I am.”

Gavin shook his head. As if there wasn't any difference between the two. And since her past was always with her, maybe there wasn't.

She forced herself to look him in the eye, to stand firm when all she wanted to do was walk into his arms and ask him to forget everything she'd said, to kiss her like he had before he'd known all her secrets. She had never felt so safe in her whole life, and she ached to be there again. But right now, it seemed like they were separated by an entire ocean, all because of the person she used to be.

Allison came into the living room, speaking into the tense atmosphere. “Sean's got flour on every inch of your kitchen.” She looked from Evie to Gavin. “What's up with you guys? Should I go back in the kitchen?”

“No, I have no secrets from you. Unlike you two.” He watched Allison stop, consider his words, her gaze flashing to Evie and back to him.

Allison paused, choosing her words carefully. “I thought she told you.”

“No.” That one word held barely concealed hurt. If Evie hadn't known him, she would have thought he was shrugging it off. But the line of his mouth and the tightness around his eyes told her he was taking the news personally. “Maybe you shouldn't have assumed she was being honest, either.”

His gaze raked over Evie and she wanted to weep, wanted to beg him to understand. But if there was something she had learned recently, it was that mistakes can't be unmade.

“I'm going back in the kitchen. You two need to talk this out.” Allison turned on her heel and left them in the stinging silence.

Evie wanted it to be over, for the conversation to end so she could find somewhere quiet to let out her grief. But he was still there, standing stiff with anger.

“There was another article today on the gossip website.”

His words were so casual it took Evie a few seconds to process them. Her head came up with a snap, eyes widening.

“It was from our trip to the mountain. Isn't it strange how they got pictures of Sean snowboarding without his mask? Right when I was lured inside with you?”

“Lured inside?” Anger finally surpassed her shock. She planted her hands on her hips, spitting the words now, so angry she could hardly talk.

“I think these articles aren't ending up at
The Daily
because it's
The Chronicle
's rival and that would have hurt your sales. Why on the internet? Because they paid the most, and we all know your paper is in trouble. You and Amy found a way to make some easy money.”

“First of all, our internet site has been up since this Wednesday and has already tripled our subscribers. I even have a little celebrity section that will be clean and upbeat.” She spoke clearly but her voice wavered, and she forced her trembling hands into fists.

She hauled in a breath and went on. “I don't care who told you I was involved. I wouldn't be surprised if Amy was part of it, but I didn't sell this. And I can't believe you thought, for even one moment, that I did.” Tears of anger sprang to her eyes and she blinked them away. She would not cry. Not here.

“Something Lili said last week stuck with me. She told me I had a God-given purpose. She said ‘I believe in you.'” Hearing those words felt like air when she'd been drowning. They traveled deep inside and filled up the empty spaces where fear and doubt lived.

She was more than the sum of her mistakes.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner about the past. I wasn't sure how you would react, and I didn't want it to be awkward with Allison staying here. I was afraid to lose you.” Her face went hot, but she could be honest now. It didn't matter what she said.

His eyes were shadowed with pain, and she felt sick, knowing she was the one who had caused it. “From the moment we met, I knew that I would have to tell you what I had done. I imagined a thousand times the expression you would have, the disappointment I'd see in your eyes. It should have happened long before now. But I was weak. It was harder and harder to tell you the truth, the deeper I fell—”
In love with you.

She couldn't finish. She walked back to the kitchen, choking back tears.

Allison looked up, face taut with worry. She squeezed Evie on the shoulder and left for the living room.

“Do you have any sprinkles?” Sean was busy pressing odd shapes onto the cookie sheet, his hands covered in flour.

“Sure, sweetie.” She grabbed the red and green sugar sprinkles by feel from the cabinet. “Remember this is pie dough. It won't be as sweet as a cookie.” Her voice was rough, but he didn't seem to notice.

“This is fun! Isn't this fun? You should finish your pie.”

“Yes, I should.” Evie went back to the pie dough, her eyes blurred with tears. Who knew if anyone was staying for brunch. She wasn't sure she could sit across the table from Gavin as her heart broke into a thousand small pieces. But she would make this pie.

A few moments later, Allison came in. She stood in the doorway. “I'm sorry.”

“For what? I'm sorry your life is splattered all over an internet gossip site.” She waved a floury hand. “Don't worry about me.”

Allison was quiet a moment, watching Evie lace the lattice crust over the blackberries. “But I am worried. I think what just happened...was wrong. He was wrong to accuse you.”

Evie nodded, swallowing the lump that threatened to choke her.

The young mom smiled, but it was a strained and tight smile. “Well, I can't keep putting the statement off. It will have to happen now, no matter if—” she glanced at Sean, sprinkling what looked like a pound of sugar on his dough “—anyone else objects.”

“I sure wish this had never happened. I know Jack will be so upset. He wanted everything to go well that day.”

“It did!” Allison reached forward and hugged Evie. “It was a wonderful day. Sean had so much fun. Don't regret it now.”

But the day would always be touched with bitterness for Evie. The kisses she and Gavin had shared, standing in the snow. Based in nothing but simple attraction. There was no faith, no trust.

She felt as if her heart was being caught in a clamp with teeth. “Do you think your grandma is still coming?”

“Let me call her and see.” Allison left the room and went down the hallway. Evie tried to finish her lattice work, but she kept pulling too hard, the pie crust tearing into small strips.

“You need me to help you.” Sean got down and scooted his chair over to Evie's work space.

“I sure do.” She had to smile at his confidence. This was not a child who'd been emotionally stunted. He knew love, knew he had worth and value.

“I'll hold this one and you put that one there.” He picked up a strip and pointed with his other hand. Evie followed his instructions, even though the crust was crooked. They worked together for a few minutes, creating a lattice that was more tangled than crosshatch. He beamed at the finished product. “There, see? That's how you do it.”

“Thanks, buddy,” she said, glad to be reminded of innocence in a world that was full to the brim of betrayal and suspicion.

Allison popped back into the kitchen. “Wow, nice pie.” She grinned at Evie, but her eyes were sad. “Grandma's headed over in a little bit. She's getting the salad ready. Come on, Sean, let's go play with the trampoline.”

She didn't say anything about Gavin, and Evie didn't ask. They would just concentrate on the brunch. And each other. Not the missing person who should be with them today.

Evie slid the pie into the oven and set the timer. She could do this. Her shoulders straightened. He was just a man she'd thought she'd known. A few kisses, some confidences. It wasn't anything to call a relationship. He'd gotten the city through the pertussis epidemic. That's what she would focus on, the noble part of him she always admired. It didn't matter that he had completely misjudged her, accused her of betraying his family.

Evie wiped down the counters and put away the sprinkles. God had told her in very clear terms what she was supposed to do. And she did it. That was all. Nothing else was promised. But as much as she told herself these things, as hard as she tried to believe them, Evie's heart still ached with every new resolution to be grateful. She had glimpsed something wonderful with Gavin. It was only a glimpse, but she would never be the same woman she had been before.

Pausing at the sink, her hands in the running water and eyes squeezed shut, Evie let the tears flow down her cheeks. One minute to grieve for what might have been, and then she would go on. Allison needed support, and Sean needed them all to put aside the drama so he could be a little boy. She wiped her cheeks and straightened up. God was faithful, ever merciful. That she would rely on, no matter what else was crashing down around them.

Chapter Seventeen

G
avin stood up and paced his office. He had come here to calm down, but he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. It had been two days since he'd walked into Evie's apartment, and the look on her face still haunted him. Grief, hurt and deep resignation.

He'd been so sure he was in the right. But when he'd called Grandma Lili to explain about the brunch, all his sureness started to unravel.

She could have been angry with Evie, shocked at hiding a lie, defensive of Allison and her grandson. But instead Grandma Lili had gently exclaimed over Evie's past and even admired her refusal to give up.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes. It was as if she liked Evie even more, now that she knew how far she had come from the person she was once, only five years ago.

He was the same old Gavin, always doing the right thing, never tolerating any mistake. How could that be any better? His chest ached with the suspicion that he had acted unjustly, and to someone braver than he was. The idea shook him to his core. She was a woman who had the strength to walk away from wealth and fame and bitterness, a woman who devoted her time to building up instead of tearing down. He sucked in a shuddering breath, pain coursing through him. He had been so wrong, and he didn't know how to make it right.

Grabbing his coat, he shoved his arms through the sleeves. When all else failed, there was always more work to be done. Baby Gabriel was almost ready to go home. Nothing like an infant on the mend to make him forget what a mess he'd made.

Minutes later Gavin suited up at the door of Gabriel's hospital room. He knocked lightly and a soft answer prompted him to enter.

“Hey, it's our superhero.” Calista cradled her newborn in one arm, a book in her other hand, and flashed a huge grin.

His shoulders slumped, but he rallied with a smile. “That's me.” He aimed for lighthearted, but his tone was bitter even to his own ears.

“Uh-oh. Come sit. Even superheroes have bad days.” Calista patted the chair next to her.

“I came to see Gabriel. Grant said he's doing really well.” Gavin tried to deflect Calista's sharp gaze by flipping through the pages on the chart.

“Thanks to you and Evie.” She touched his sleeve. “Without that article I wouldn't have known to bring him in right away.” She cleared her throat, struggling for control. “I'm sure you've saved more lives than my baby's, many more.”

She went on. “If that doesn't make you smile, there's always the thought of the Christmas pageant. The kids are thrilled. Grant's not too calm about it, either. He loves Christmas. We both do. It's a special holiday for us.” She gazed down at Gabriel, a small smile touching her lips.

“So, tell me what makes a superhero look so defeated.”

Gavin lowered himself into the standard-issue hospital chair and gazed up at the tiled ceiling. “I'm an idiot,” he said simply.

To his surprise, Calista laughed, a bright sound that filled the room. “I know that look. Did Evie discover your secret identity?”

He snapped his gaze to her, shock silencing him.

She waved a hand. “How did
I
know it was about Evie? Easy guess. Now, you don't have to give me any details, and I can tell you exactly how to fix whatever you've done.”

Resting his elbows on his knees, he shook his head. “You're assuming it can be fixed.”

“If you're the man I think you are, what you've done is probably very stupid, but not unforgivable.” Calista's voice still held a note of mirth, but her green eyes were serious.

“So, what's your advice?” He was sure it would never work, whatever it was.

“Grovel.”

“What?”

“I said you need to grovel. Not just apologize. Don't send flowers. Go over there and grovel. Show her what you feel.”

Gavin stared, trying to wrap his mind around the idea of a gesture being big enough to make Evie forget his cruel words. He had misjudged her so badly, he didn't know if there was anything that could change it. Grandma Lili said she believed in her, in a God-given purpose, but what could he say that wasn't just parroting the words?

“Here, hold Gabriel for a second.” Calista passed him the tiny bundle, dark hair peeking from the top of the blankets. “He'll help you sort it all out.”

Gavin snorted softly, cradling the warmth of the little boy in his arms. “He must be pretty smart already.” He could feel his muscles relaxing as he gazed into the baby's serene countenance.

“Just try it.” She patted him on the shoulder and leaned back in her chair, eyes falling closed. “I'll be right here if you need me. But you can't look at that sweet face and tell me there is anything impossible with God's help.”

His lips tugged up as he watched Gabriel sleep. Maybe she was right. Maybe life wasn't as predictable as he thought, and love sometimes got a second chance. His heart thudded loudly in his ears.
Love.
He didn't know when it had happened, couldn't point to a moment it began, but he loved Evie. He loved her quiet strength and her tenacity that somehow translated to gentleness with every other being. He loved her ability to accept forgiveness. He loved how she grabbed for grace and held on with both hands, how she lived her life with such vibrant hope.

He wanted a life like that, not the one he had that was filled with fear and dread. Since Patrick's death he had always prepared for every disaster and been surprised when it didn't arrive. His hands tightened around the little baby as realization struck him. Years had gone by, full of pessimistic anxiety, and although he said he trusted God, he expected the very worst at any moment. Evie knew that true faith was hopeful.

Gavin straightened up with a deep breath. He knew what he needed to do. And it spoke louder than any apology he could ever say.

* * *

Ten feet down the sidewalk, Evie could already hear the caroling coming from the Mission. Her bright red Christmas dress and a delicately woven braid covered in crystal snowflakes announced she was ready to celebrate. The snow drifted down in lazy clumps, but the weather wasn't bitterly cold. The lights shone through the glass front, displaying brightly colored decorations and the twinkling tree.

Jack flashed a grin and pointed to the crowd inside. “This is going to be some party. I think I see Allison and Sean already.”

She nodded, pasting on a bright smile. She hadn't heard from Gavin since Sunday. The pain was still so fresh it took her breath away. On the outside, she was fine, maybe a little sad. On the inside, she felt as if her whole life had turned to dust.

Jack paused, his usual cheer fading away. “I wish you and Gavin could...”

“I know. Me, too.” She shrugged, hoping she looked nonchalant.

It should be clear now that Gavin had been wrong. Amy Morket quit the day after the photos came out on the gossip site. Evie had heard she'd moved to California, bragged about getting an absurd amount of money for a few pictures. She was going to join the celebrity chasers. Evie's heart ached for the girl. She knew sometime, somehow, she was going to see her life had been wasted. And she knew just how that felt.

The first few days after Allison's announcement, they had been overrun with photographers. Allison's phone rang and rang, reporters and TV interviewers and even a few tabloid shows wanting to “reunite” the senator and his son. The only call that had mattered to Allison was the one from her parents. It would be rough and take time, but reconciliation was beginning between them.

“I'm just happy Allison's getting a new start. A real one, this time.” She meant it. Nobody deserved a clean slate more than Allison and Sean.

Jack slung an arm over her shoulders and hugged her close. “I'm a big fan of new starts.”

Evie smiled, wishing there would be one for her and Gavin. But life didn't always work that way. “Let's head in. We don't want to miss the pageant.”

The lobby was filled with the sound of excited kids lining up to talk to Santa. Evie snorted as she recognized Jose behind the bushy white beard. Grant listened intently to a small boy telling what seemed to be a very long story. Lissa walked through the crowd of kids with a tray of cookies, an oversize Santa hat on her head.

“Evie!” Sean's little voice cut through the noise. She turned just in time to feel his arms wrap around her waist. “You came.”

“Of course I did.” She laughed a little, but the truth was she really hadn't wanted to come. If there had been any way to stay home, she would have.

Allison came toward them, dark hair curled and tied back with a green ribbon, her face alight with happiness. “There you two are.” She reached out and hugged them both, with Sean an awkward lump in the middle.

“You and Jack are coming to Grandma Lili's for Christmas brunch tomorrow as my guests. Don't even try to say no.”

Evie nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She couldn't sit there, across from the man who had made her dream of a husband and marriage for the first time in her life.

“Gavin, tell them to be on time or else,” Allison said.

Evie whirled around, eyes going wide. He was achingly familiar, hair brushed back, a few waves still showing up the professional haircut. He smelled wonderful, like soap and sandalwood, and was freshly shaved. But the thing that really threw her was his tie. It was perfectly straight.

“I came to see if I could talk to you for a few minutes.” His voice was soft, as if the lobby weren't full to bursting. Evie glanced at Allison and realized his sister was already turning away, Jack on one side, Sean on the other. Sneaky girl.

“All right.” She didn't want to be rude. It felt like her heart had slammed shut and there was no key to unlock it.

“Do you mind if we step outside? It's so hard to talk in here.” He looked nervous but determined.

She nodded and followed him through the glass double doors onto the sidewalk. The strains of the Christmas carols echoed faintly, and the snow fell softly from the black sky.

“Evie, what I said was wrong.” He stopped, looking at his hands.

“But you thought it. Even for a little while, you really believed it could be me.” Her voice cracked on the last word.

He nodded. “I'm sorry. And I'm asking you to forgive me. You probably feel like I never knew you at all, to even consider the possibility. I was so wrong. About a lot of things.” She didn't want to look in his eyes but couldn't help herself. The warmth in his gaze made her feel valued and respected. She tried to push away the overwhelming feelings and recognize the cold fact of it: he had believed the worst about her.

“When we worked on the article together, we saved lives. Gabriel's coming home. The Mission's Christmas party and caroling is happening, just like the kids needed. We made a difference, Evie, you and me.”

She was silent, wishing she knew what to say. Sometimes sorry wasn't good enough.

“Since Patrick died, I've lived like the sky was always seconds away from falling.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I had no faith that God would care for us. It was a hopeless situation, and all I could do was fight a losing battle. You opened my eyes to how wrong it was.”

He reached in his jacket breast pocket.

“I have something for you. I hope it helps you understand how much you've changed my life, how much I believe in you.” It was an envelope, with a tiny bow and “Merry Christmas” written on the front.

She opened it, shooting him a curious glance. The folded paper opened up to show a flyer for a small, brick building on the northeast side, not far from downtown, right off the main boulevard.

“I saw this little place. It's in the right area, the right size. I talked to the Realtor today and made an offer. If you'll let me help, I want to be part of your dream for the thrift shop you wanted to open for the no-cost baby supplies.” He pulled out another sheet.

“There are so many people in my area of work who want to help but don't really know how. I spent most of yesterday on the phone. This is a list of people who work with the county and state who said they'd be willing to lend a hand and give advice as needed, pro bono.”

“How did you know—” Evie felt her throat close up around the words she yearned to speak. Her hand was still clutching the flyer, eyes filled with tears.

“Allison told us that day Grandma Lili came to cook dinner.” His face was creased with anxiety, his eyes pleading with her. “You're not the kind of person to prey on the vulnerable. I was so wrong to accuse you. This thrift shop is the perfect example of all the ways you try to lift others up.”

He took a breath, as if steadying himself. “I'm begging you to forgive me, Evie. I'll never be at peace until you do.” She wanted to agree, say how it felt to have him beside her. But that's not what he was asking. He only wanted forgiveness, which she could never deny him. Her heart had made its own decision the moment he'd asked.

She smiled, her heart in her throat. “I do forgive you.”

He nodded and took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something else.”

Her brows went up, wondering what else there could be, besides the wonderful little shop and their newfound peace.

“I love you, Evie, for a hundred different reasons.”

He loved her. Her heart began to pound so hard she could barely hear him.

“You're brave and smart and gentle and always root for the underdog. You've grown past a huge mistake. You showed me what real hope means.”

Snow drifted around them, but she didn't feel the cold. He paused, eyes bright with deep emotion. “Do you think, Evie, that if we both kept our focus on our God-given purpose, that we could find happiness together? That would be the only way because, you and me, we're bound to get into all sorts of trouble.”

His brown eyes were crinkled in laughter, and she felt a giggle rising up in her throat. What a time to be laughing, but she knew exactly what he meant. Loads and heaps of trouble were in their future. Two stubborn, intelligent people who thought they knew it all. What a recipe for disaster.