Love Inspired January 2014 - Bundle 2 of 2: Bayou Sweetheart\The Firefighter's New Family\Season of Redemption (54 page)

Once inside, he flicked on the light switch and glanced at his cell phone for what felt like the hundredth time, hoping for a message from Kellie. Nothing. He slouched into his chair and clicked on the TV, not bothering to build a fire. That trip to the mini-mart called out to him again, only a little stronger this time.

Ryan closed his eyes. He had to face the fact that the reason he'd gotten drunk that night at the party was because the effect of having a few beers every night had worn off. They hadn't quite eased the pain then, and they wouldn't now. And if he got drunk again, could he ever face what he'd become? He'd lose the battle, and that would cost him any chance he might still have with Kellie.

Oh, but the emptiness remained like a bottomless pit, despite what his brain told him. What he knew inside as true. He checked his watch. Too late to call his counselor at LightHouse Center. He'd see him tomorrow at group anyway.

Restlessness coursed through him, so he got up and looked out the window. Snow still fell, blanketing the ground in patches of white. They'd have a good couple of inches or more by morning. He could split wood, but it was too late and quiet; he didn't want the sound to echo and bother his neighbors.

“God,” he breathed. “I hate this hollow feeling. Please take the craving from me. Please, God.”

He sat back down and hung his head in his hands for a few moments before he picked up his cell phone and scrolled the contact list. Without hesitating, he hit the button to connect and waited.

“Hello?” Sinclair's voice sounded sleepy.

“Sin?” Ryan's voice cracked.

“What's wrong?”

“I'm struggling here. Talk to me for a bit, will you?”

After the briefest of pauses, his brother said, “Hang tight. I'll be right over.”

Ryan set down his phone, and his body went limp. This is what Kellie was afraid of. What she'd always fear with him. He couldn't say that he blamed her, because he didn't have it conquered like he thought. And that scared him, too.

* * *

“Pass the gravy, please?” Kellie's mom smiled.

Kellie handed it over after dousing her mound of mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving dinner was her favorite meal, but she couldn't rouse the appetite to eat much of it.

It'd been over a week since that awful conversation with Ryan. He hadn't called her, hadn't shown up under her window with a handful of pebbles like she'd hoped. Her resolve might have caved if he had. Didn't he realize that?

“When can we have pie?” Gracie asked.

She grinned at her niece. Despite her loss of appetite, Kellie might make an exception for a piece of cherry crumb pie. “That's up to your mom and Grandma.”

The girls had loved helping make pies the day before. All five Cavanaugh women had worked side by side in the kitchen, and Kellie had to admit the smell of home and holidays had lightened her mood. But she hadn't once forgotten the ache she carried inside, like a cast-iron anchor that was too big for the boat and dragged her down.

“After we eat dinner,” Dorrie said.

Hannah played with her food. “Will Karl have Thanksgiving dinner in jail?”

A hush settled over the festive table that had been decorated with a pair of pilgrim candlesticks on either side of a rust-colored floral centerpiece of mums and carnations.

Kellie glanced at her parents. Sadness lurked in their eyes, and both of their shoulders seemed to slump. It wasn't hard to imagine Karl all alone today.

“I'm sure he'll have something good to eat,” Dorrie said with a voice more cheerful than she probably felt. “Now finish up your plate, Hannah.”

“Excuse me. I forgot something in the kitchen.” Kellie's mom got up from the table.

Kellie looked at her dad. Would he go after her? When he didn't, she got up instead. Stepping softly into the kitchen, she spotted her mother at the sink holding a dishtowel to her face. “Mom?”

“I'm sorry,” her mom sniffed.

“It's okay. This is hard on everyone.”

Her mother turned to face her. Her eyes watered and her nose looked red. “If only I would have done things differently.”

Kellie cocked her head. “What do you mean?”

“We left you kids alone too much. And when we were home, we were preoccupied with that stupid business.” Her mother pointed toward the dining room. “He still hides at the office far too much.”

Kellie had never heard her mother speak poorly of their real estate business before. Despite the long hours and weekends their business demanded, it had always been the source of their pride. Their passion. Their kids, not so much. “I thought you loved what you did.”

Her mom sighed. “I did. I do. But we were too wrapped up in it and we forgot what was truly important. We forgot about our kids. Karl suffered, and I think you did, too.”

Kellie's eyes went wide. When had her mother come to this realization? “Why say all this now?”

Her mother shrugged. “Because I'm seeing a counselor. I'm trying to come to terms with what I did or didn't do to make Karl turn out like he has.”

Kellie's heart twisted. “Oh Mom, Karl made his own choices.”

“And what about you? You're so distant and in control. Kellie, I fear you're turning into stone. Strong, but cold.”

She took a step back, shaken by her mother's perception. “I'm okay.”

“Are you? Are you really?” Her mother gave her a sad look before grabbing the dish of cranberry sauce that had been left behind.

Kellie followed her back to the dining room table, contemplating her mother's words, stunned by their truth. Was it so bad to be in control? Exchanging a look with Dorrie, Kellie refused to answer and got back to the business of eating what she could.

They finished their meal in silence, and then cleanup wasn't much better. There was only so much small talk to be said. Pie was served in the living room while a fire roared in the hearth and her father watched the Lions play football on TV. Picking at her piece of cherry crumb pie, Kellie kept thinking about Ryan. His family grew cherries. She'd never been to their farm but could easily imagine how beautiful it'd look when the cherry blossoms were in bloom. Ryan had promised to show her.

Too many thoughts turned to him.

When she finally slid into the bed she shared with Dorrie, Kellie stared at the walls of her old room plastered with her high school cheerleading memorabilia and girlish decorations. She'd saved a meaningless corsage she'd worn to her senior prom. What a joke that had been. Her date hadn't cared about her, and yet Kellie had clung to misplaced hope that he would.

Kellie sighed, drained.

“Ryan's nothing like Karl, you know.” Dorrie fluffed her pillow.

“I know.”

“I'm not so sure you do. Think about it. Ryan's had what, one girlfriend in high school, and he would have married her if she hadn't died. If that isn't proof of commitment, I don't know what is.”

“This isn't about his commitment to me.”

“Isn't it? Don't you think he'll be just as committed to his recovery?”

Kellie's eyes went wide. Ryan had said that he got done what he set out to do. Dorrie's house was certainly proof of that.

“He told me about why he needed community service hours. He also told me that he never had issues with drinking until recently. Don't you see? Ryan faced his problem. Karl never faced anything about himself. It was always everyone else's fault—your parents, his coaches, his boss. He was irresponsible and lacked commitment from the get-go only I was too stupid to see it.”

Kellie settled her head deeper into her pillow, while she weighed Dorrie's words. “But what if—”

“Life's full of what-ifs. You're a counselor now. Do you believe all that you learned is false?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why can't you believe in Ryan? He's gotten help and is putting into practice what he's learned. He loves you, Kellie, what more do you want?”

“A guarantee.” The words slipped out, and hearing them, Kellie realized how crazy they sounded.

“Well, good luck. There isn't anyone who can give you that. Even God doesn't guarantee that life will be easy. He only promises never to leave us.”

Kellie opened her mouth and then shut it. She didn't have an argument for that one. She pulled the covers up under her chin and felt the old scars on her arms. Maybe she'd turned to stone because a hunk of rock didn't need to bleed. Didn't need to feel. Didn't need to believe.

That Bible verse in Corinthians came back to taunt her—
Love never gives up, never loses faith...

She hadn't even given Ryan a chance. She'd condemned him to failure because she was scared.

“He's a good man, Kellie.” Dorrie gave her shoulder a squeeze before rolling over.

“I know.” But did she really?

Kellie lay awake long after Dorrie had dozed off. Listening to her sister-in-law's even breathing, she watched the moon shadows dance across her ceiling. Dorrie was right. She didn't believe in Ryan. What did that say about her as a counselor, and even worse, as a Christian?

Anything she had to say to these kids she'd soon meet and serve would be nothing but empty words if she didn't believe people could face their weaknesses and change. Didn't her mother prove that was possible tonight? Her mom had finally faced their past and was trying to deal with it.

Kellie had no right to give kids advice she couldn't even follow. She was a sham—a stone who'd let her heart grow cold with fear. She might as well not show up for work Monday morning.

Kellie closed her eyes and prayed. “Please Lord, help me to believe.”

Chapter Fourteen

“A
re you sure your brother got the message?” Kellie peered out the window of her office. The lines of yellow buses had long since pulled away from the school's curb.

“He'll be here. He had band practice.” Destiny, one of her sixth graders, tossed her shoulder-length blond hair while her fingers tapped away on her cell phone.

“Our mom called you, right?” Her brother Kevin was a couple of years older and a serious kid. He questioned every rule, and tested them.

Even so, Kellie had to resist the urge to ruffle the boy's hair every time she saw him. “Yes. She asked if you both could wait with me until Kenneth picked you up.”

Kellie made an attempt to clean off her desk while the kids waited. Too many papers and files had stacked up this week, and she was behind schedule. But then she was still learning the ropes, probably would be for the next couple of years.

“Are you going to the dance tomorrow night?” Kevin asked.

“I'm chaperoning.”

“Ooohh good,” Destiny piped up from her texting. “Kenneth's band is playing and they're really good.”

“Ah yes, the Mealy Peaches.” Kellie suppressed a laugh. “I've heard that, too.”

Their oldest brother played bass in a high school band, and tomorrow night's dance was their shining debut. Kellie had no idea what style of music was their specialty, but with a name like Mealy Peaches, their sound had to be a little quirky.

“You got a date?” Kevin asked.

“I'll know tonight.” Kellie smiled as she filed folders in her credenza.

Tonight, Dorrie was hosting a Christmas Open House in her new home. All the Church Hammer volunteers had been invited, and no doubt Ryan would be there, too. Her heart flipped thinking about it.

“You kids ready?” Kenneth poked his head through the open door of her office. “Thanks, Miss Cavanaugh, for watching them.”

“You're welcome.”

Both younger siblings gave him a dirty look like they didn't need a babysitter, only a place to wait for him.

“If you're going to the dance tomorrow, save one for me.” Kenneth winked at her.

The kid had too much charm for his own good, and Kellie laughed. “I'm pretty sure my date wouldn't approve.”

“Who are you going to ask, Miss Cavanaugh? Mr. Smith?” Destiny shouldered her backpack and pocketed her cell phone.

Mr. Smith was the math teacher and also single. “No. I'm hoping a friend of mine will go with me.”

“Well, I think he'll say yes if he knows what's good for him.” Destiny gave her a big sweet smile. The girl meant what she said.

Kellie smiled back. “Thank you. I hope so.”

She waved goodbye to the kids who'd become her favorite students. She hoped Ryan would accept her invitation. She also hoped he'd understand what the asking meant. She wanted another shot at building a relationship with him. She wanted a second chance, and she prayed he'd want that, too.

* * *

Ryan mingled with people he'd spent the last couple of months working with to get Dorrie's house finished. The place looked nice decorated for Christmas and smelled even better with the balsam scent of a freshly cut tree. Instrumental Christmas music played softly in the background while snow fell outside. Her house felt like a real home complete with the sounds of kids laughing while they played a board game in the bedroom.

That hollow feeling struck quick and sharp. His house didn't feel like a home, only a place to live. And this holiday season felt more lonesome than ever. He grabbed a cup of citrus punch and glanced at the doorway. Would Kellie stay away tonight because of him? He hoped not.

She'd stopped coming to work on the house after that night. Not that there was that much left to do. And he'd only exchanged a few words with her since then—an awkward hello at church and then some silly moving jokes while packing up Dorrie and her girls a couple of weeks ago. He missed her.

Sinclair slapped him on the back. “She'll show.”

“I hope so.” He wanted to talk to her. Needed to, in fact.

After eating a couple of the small fancy sandwiches laid out on decorative plates, Ryan looked up exactly when Kellie entered the kitchen through the laundry room. He swallowed the last of his punch pretty hard.

He'd never before seen her look so pretty. She wore a plaid wool skirt over tights and a navy turtleneck sweater that hugged her slender form. She'd left her hair loose in a riot of curls. He openly stared. Probably drooled, too.

Her cheeks were rosy pink, but then she'd just come in from the cold. Without hesitation, she walked straight for him and smiled. She didn't look inclined to avoid him this time.

His heart rate picked up speed.

“Hi, Ryan.” Her voice sounded rich as silk.

“You look beautiful,” he blurted.

“Thanks.” She gave him a quick once-over. Bold as can be. “So do you.”

What was she doing to him? He quickly changed the subject to keep from pulling her into his arms. “How's school counseling?”

Her eyes brightened. They looked steely blue tonight, almost gray. “I love it.”

He shoved his hands in the pockets of his khakis to keep from touching her. “That's good. I'm glad.”

“How are you?” Her eyes narrowed. “I mean really.”

“I finished group. John signed off on my master treatment plan. Everything's been sent to the court to drop the charges.”

“That's good. I'm glad,” she echoed his words.

“But I'm not done, Kel.” He took a deep breath and held it, waiting for her reaction. This is what he'd wanted to tell her, hoping she'd come tonight.

Her eyebrow lifted.

He stepped closer. “I'm going to AA meetings once a week.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened in surprise.

He caught his brother's eye from across the room and Sinclair gave him a nod. His brother had come through for him when he'd needed him most. Sinclair had made him see that there was no shame in seeking help. No shame in admitting what he'd become.

Ryan came clean. “They say
once an alcoholic always, an alcoholic but we can live sober
. I plan on living sober.”

He watched her eyes fill with tears and panicked. Not the reaction he'd hoped for. “It's a good thing, Kel. Really.”

“I know.”

“Then why are you crying?”

She sniffed and then laughed. “I guess I'm not made of stone, after all.”

“I never thought you were.” Ryan caught one of her tears with his thumb. No way. She was warm and caring and kissed with fire. “I never thought you were.”

Kellie's eyes softened even more. “Karl said that you'd been to see him.”

“I had to see him. And we're keeping in touch.” He'd made his peace with
her
brother, too.

“I really appreciate that. Karl does, too.” She gave him another watery smile and he feared she might start crying again.

“I missed you,” he whispered.

“And I missed you.” Her voice sounded raw.

“So, what should we do about it?”

Kellie pulled out a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose into it. “Sorry.”

He chuckled. “No problem. Want to get a plate of food and sit down somewhere?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. I wonder if you'd consider...”

He watched her rally her courage and waited for her to continue.

“Would you be willing to go with me to a middle school dance tomorrow night?”

He laughed. “Are you a chaperone?”

She straightened her shoulders. “Yes, I am.”

He leaned a little closer. “I'd love to go.”

“Then it's a date. Pick me up at six-thirty?” She crinkled her nose.

Ryan smiled. He would not have envisioned a middle school dance as their first date, but he'd take it. It was a start of many dates. “You'll dance with me?”

Her cheeks colored. “Uh yeah, it's a dance.”

He suddenly couldn't wait for tomorrow night to hold her. He lowered his voice and asked, “Why don't we go somewhere for hot chocolate and talk about it.”

Kellie's eyes widened again. “But I haven't said hello to anyone. Not even Dorrie.”

“Meet me at my truck in thirty minutes.”

She opened her mouth and then closed it and nodded.

Ryan couldn't believe she didn't argue, and that made him smile. He imagined that they'd argue over many things, but that meant they'd make up, too. After she walked away to mingle, he checked his watch. This was going to be the longest half hour of his life.

* * *

Kellie made a dash for Ryan's truck. Her heart skittered and clanged against her ribs while she waited. Was she too early? She hadn't kept track of time. And then she saw him and her insides flipped.

Ryan jogged toward her, his breath blowing white in front him. “Sorry,” he said. “Were you waiting long?

She looked up at his dear face with those bittersweet chocolate eyes. Snowflakes clung to his dark hair and she fluffed them away with her fingertips. He was the gallant knight of her girlish dreams and he'd slayed a couple of dragons belonging to him and her. “I've been waiting my whole life for you.”

“That's good to hear.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “I won't fail you, Kellie. I'm in this for the long haul. God's got my back and I'm not afraid.”

“I'm not either.” She really meant it, too. “And Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

She licked her lips. “I love you, and I believe in you. I believe in us.”

“I need your love, Kel. Trust can come later after I've earned it. I will, too. By God's grace, I'll earn it.”

She didn't bother reminding him that trust was something she needed to give. She'd prove it to him with time and the life they'd build together. “You can start by sealing that promise with a kiss.”

“Gladly.” He dipped his head and captured her mouth with his.

She returned his kiss with a promise of her own running through her mind and soul.
To have and to hold, in sickness and in health...

No matter what their future held, God would be with them.

When they finally broke apart, Ryan cupped her face. “I love you, Kellie Cavanaugh.”

She gave him a cheeky grin. “I know.”

He laughed and shook his head while he opened the door for her. “Now, get in the truck.”

She climbed in and scooted close to Ryan, breathing in the frosty air and luscious scent of him. “This is where it all started, huh? The night my car broke down and you picked me up.”

He reached across her for the middle seat belt and buckled her in place right next to him. “I think it started the moment you shook my hand. I knew there was something special about you.”

Kellie nodded. “I remember feeling the same way about you, and it scared me to pieces.”

“Thank you.” He cupped her cheek and gave her a smile that made her toes curl inside her boots.

She tipped her head. “For what?”

“For making a difference.”

Kellie felt her eyes sting again and her throat clog with emotion. She pulled Ryan's head toward hers and showed him the difference he'd made with a kiss.

Trust in God was the real difference, though. Maybe the Hound of Heaven had tracked them both down and thrown them together to help each other heal. To help each other grow and find redemptive love that would last forever.