Love Hurts (4 page)

With Anna’s words, Jilly’s limbs came unstuck and she thrashed in her sister’s arms. “What is that doing here?” she shrieked. “Who brought that disgusting thing to my town?”

The people around them shrank back until she and Jilly stood alone, like they had a contagious disease people were terrified of catching.
Where’s Gregg?

“Please, Jilly. It’s okay, let’s just go.”

Jilly slipped out of her arms as if she’d become thin as paper. She sank to the floor, crying deep, wrenching sobs. Anna couldn’t think what to do. Then Gregg appeared. Without a word, he leaned down, scooped Jilly up in his arms, said, “Come,” to Anna and led them to the car he’d parked in front of the building.

Anna opened the back door and he set Jilly inside. She immediately curled up on the seat, still sobbing. Anna climbed into the front and Gregg pulled away as soon as her door shut. She leaned her head back against the seat, tears welling up, and tried not to think of the scene they’d just left behind. She tried not to think about what the town would now think of her and Jilly. She tried not to think of what Mel would say tomorrow.
Drive, Gregg, drive. Keep driving and let’s not ever come back.

Chapter 3

Jilly hadn’t slept the entire night, although Gregg finally drifted off around two a.m. She lay on her back, her muscles aching from hardly moving all night. She kept going over the scene at the gallery and her first sight of the painting. She knew instantly, without even seeing the signature, that it was Mamma’s work. Only after she registered the artist did she see the actual scene. There were little girls, holding hands, the smaller one blonde, and the dark-haired girl pointed at something in a tree. The girls were her and Anna. That was when she screamed and Anna came running.

 
Jilly looked toward the sun streaming around the curtains. Matthew would be up soon and wanting his breakfast. Her heart stuttered and thudded.
It’s starting again. Why did she have to come back into our lives?

Gregg muttered and stirred beside her. Jilly shifted away from him, her muscles protesting. She eased out of bed and stepped silently across the plush carpet. She inched the bathroom door shut and leaned back against it, listening for Gregg. No sound came from the bedroom. She locked the door and turned the bathtub tap to full hot. She added only enough cold water to make it bearable.
 

Jilly dropped her nightgown on the floor and stepped into the water.

Her skin shrank at the extreme heat, but she smiled, seeing her skin flush. She forced herself into the water and sat back against the cold porcelain. The extremes of temperature were all she could feel in that moment. She welcomed the pain.

The roaring of the water drowned out any other sound as though she were the only one in the house. She wished, oh how she wished, she could go away. She both loved and hated Matthew and Gregg for the anchors they were to her present life. Jilly tried to push the guilt away, but it kept near like an old friend who often came to call. She’d gotten used to it, but that didn’t mean she liked it. Mamma had taught her early how to put guilt on like a coat. Mamma had been so good at it that she’d created one Jilly-sized.

Jilly pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes at the memory of Mamma’s painting as though she could keep the images from seeping into her mind. They were too persistent. Mamma’s memory came on too strong for Jilly to keep at bay.
Why did she paint us? She’s never done it before. Only those landscapes with that fucking little face. Why?

Tears leaked out from beneath her hands and dropped into the water, but she didn’t make a sound. She couldn’t, or Gregg would come and ask questions she couldn’t answer. She’d never told him about her mother or her past.
What kind of a person does that make me?
 

The razor sat on the edge of the tub, enticing her. Jilly peeked at it between her fingers.
Am I really that weak?
She dropped her hands into the water.
I’m done with all that. I have to be!

At a sharp pain, she looked down at her fingernail digging into the old scars. The ones she’d explained away to Gregg as having accidentally fallen through a window when she was ten. She didn’t know if he believed her, but he didn’t question it.

The pain. Like a living, breathing thing inside of her. It coiled around her heart and squeezed until she feared her heart wouldn’t be able to keep beating against the pressure. Jilly struggled against the old patterns. She didn’t want to cope that way anymore. She’d grown up. Only sad teenagers with dark eyeliner and multiple piercings cut themselves.
Didn’t they?
She looked down. Her fingers had found the razor without even knowing it.

Jilly held it close, like a friend, one who knew all her secrets and never betrayed her. She ran her finger across the sharp edge, jumping at the sting in the tip of her ring finger. A drop of blood welled up and she smiled. She watched as it pooled and then mixed with the water and ran in a bright stream down her finger only to collect around the band of her wedding ring.
Gregg. Matty.

“No!” Jilly hissed and threw the razor. Droplets of blood dotted the white wall of the tub. The razor bounced off the wall and fell into the water, sinking to the bottom. Her friend had betrayed her after all. Jilly didn’t want to continue the relationship, but it wouldn’t let her go. The water level had risen to nearly overflowing. She pushed the tap closed with her foot and leaned her head back against the wall.

I hate her. I hate me.

“Jilly, hon?”

Gregg. He would never leave her alone to wallow.

“You okay?”

Jilly hated that question more than any other.
No! I’m not okay, I never was.
“I’m fine, just having a bath. Is Matty up yet?”

“No. I’m going to get his breakfast ready and then wake him.”
 

She couldn’t miss the relief in his voice.
I fucking hate being so fragile.

“Okay, I’ll be out soon,” Jilly said, amazed at the normal sound of her own voice.

Gregg’s soft steps moved away from the door. At the searing pain in her legs, Jilly jumped to her feet. She couldn’t stay in the tub. She stepped onto the mat and groaned at the pain.
What the hell?

Her legs were bright red from the heat. The tub water still steamed. Why didn’t it seem that hot when she got in?
I really am fucked up.

Jilly slipped her gown over her head and reached for the plug in the tub. She quickly yanked it open and pulled her hand back out, surprised at how much it stung. She sat on the toilet lid and hung her head. She had a son to think about; she couldn’t afford to foolishly indulge herself.

No sound came from the bedroom on the other side of the door, so Jilly peeked out. Gregg had made the bed and left the room. She hurried to her dresser and pulled out pants and a long-sleeved shirt. It would be a warm day—the sun streaming in the window told her that—but she wanted to cover up her reddened skin. She didn’t want any questions from Gregg. He hadn’t said anything about her outburst at the gala yet, but she knew that conversation wouldn’t be far away. Jilly rested her hands on top of the dresser. She considered leaving the house before Gregg caught her, but knew it would only scare him.

Jilly got dressed, wincing from the pain of her tender skin. She hoped the redness would go away before bed that evening. The tip of her finger burned when she pulled on her pants, but at least it had stopped bleeding.

Matty chattered at his father in the kitchen. She steeled herself, put on her Mommy face, and joined them.

“Mommy!” Matty cried with a huge grin. He threw his arms in the air for his morning hug. Jilly usually got him out of bed and made his breakfast. She scooped him up, happy to see the change in his routine hadn’t upset his normal sunny disposition.

“Hi, honey.” She hugged him so tight he squirmed. He was just the medicine she needed. She didn’t want to think about what would happen to her once he didn’t need her anymore.

Jilly hadn’t planned on being a mother. She would have gotten a tubal ligation if any doctor had been willing to perform one on a sixteen-year-old. She’d met Gregg soon after arriving in Hope, two years after her sister, following the only person who’d ever loved her. She’d stayed in Toronto only long enough to finish her arts degree and then made her escape. Jilly’s family home had become like a black hole for her hopes and dreams. She’d followed Anna, trying to forget the past and find inner peace. Gregg, and then Matty, had given her as much as anyone could ask for, but even their all-encompassing love didn’t fill the chasm deep in her soul.
Why?
It was the question she asked herself daily. She neither knew what the question really asked nor the answer.

Anna had welcomed her with open arms. She lived in her own apartment and worked for the local newspaper. Jilly had never been so happy to see someone in her life. They’d found a quiet peace together after making a pact never to discuss Mamma. Jilly had insisted on it.

She soon got a job at Silver Creek Elementary School as a primary art teacher. They didn’t have a lot to choose from, so Jilly had been hired on the spot with her shiny new arts degree. She never told them about her famous Mamma.
 

Gregg also taught at the school. Math and science were his specialties. His gentle strength drew Jilly, so she ran from him. He pursued her in his quiet, relentless way until she admitted that she cared for him too.

 
They dated for five years, Jilly keeping him at arm’s length every time he suggested they take their relationship deeper. He had begun sleeping at her apartment most evenings until one morning Jilly made a decision that could have destroyed them.

Jilly looked at her watch and then scanned the highway for the bus. She was anxious to get out of town before Gregg called her cell to wonder why she hadn’t gone to work. Lately, he’d been coming into the staff room each morning to say hi and, as Jilly thought of it, to stake his claim ever since a new, good-looking male teacher had been hired.

Jilly understood Gregg’s fears even if she found herself constantly irritated at him of late. He loved her devotedly, she knew it, even though she couldn’t return his feelings. There were times when Jilly felt love for him. The words had even hovered on her lips during intimate moments, but to speak them would almost be like throwing herself into prison. She didn’t understand why she felt that way. It was just the way things were.

Jilly glanced at the road again then dug in her oversize purse for the bag of saltines she’d stashed there. Her stomach rumbled and she felt her gorge rise.
Hurry bus!

She stuffed a couple of crackers into her mouth and chased them with a trickle of water from the bottle she carried. The lump of soggy cracker settled into the bottom of her stomach. As uncomfortable as it felt, she hoped it would stay there.

The road stayed empty of anything but cars and trucks. No bus yet. It was now ten minutes late. Other passengers gathered around her, and she stepped back to give them room, but also to stay separate. Too many people in town knew her. While she didn’t know anyone around her, there was a good chance someone would recognize her and try to engage her in conversation. Jilly bit her lip and kept her gaze on the ground.

A pair of dark brown, large loafers stepped into her view. She knew them.
Oh shit.

“Jilly?”

She looked into Gregg’s face and cringed. She could see the hurt in his face.
He knows. How the fuck does he know?

“What are you doing?” He glanced at the empty ground beside her and then at her huge purse. “You’re not leaving for good, right?”

“No.” Her voice came out small, timid. It pissed her off. She had the right to do what she wanted. He couldn’t tell her not to. She lifted her chin, stared back at him, defiant now. “No, I’m not leaving for good. I’m coming back.”

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

Gregg shook his head, ran both hands through his hair. He kept his gaze on the road for a few moments before turning back to her. “I know what you’re doing. I found the pregnancy test.”

“What the fuck were you doing in my garbage?” Jilly hissed, trying to keep her voice low. Despite her efforts, some of the people glanced their way, not even trying to disguise their curiosity.
When is the fucking bus going to get here?

Gregg took her arm and eased her back a few steps from the others. Jilly yanked her arm away.

“I dropped my razor when I was shaving and saw it.”

The disappointment in his face threatened to shame her. “I don’t want a baby. I’m not ready to be a mother, dammit.” Her voice rose and Gregg turned his back to their audience, shielding them from view.

“Jilly, baby, it’s our child. Don’t I have a say?”

She stared up at him, guilt rising. She’d never believed in abortion until it became personal. Fear had chased her all the way to the bus station. She’d never once thought of Gregg’s rights as a father. She didn’t want to think of it. She’d hoped to be on the bus and well on her way to Vancouver by now.