Love Hurts (19 page)

"Just a damn minute," he snapped. "You show up here, surprising the hell out of me and don't even give me a minute to calm down before you walk out the door. Again," he added. "Just stop."

He spoke to her back. Anna was terrified of turning around. She knew she'd hurt him like she'd never hurt another person in her life. His pain emanated from him and she felt it in her own heart.
How could I have done this to him? Even at a young age, I knew he was the one for me.

Chris waited. He didn't say anything for such a long time that Anna finally had to look at him. He'd always been incredibly patient.

He still looked angry, but he'd never been able to stay mad at her for long. The fact that he was angry after all these years only told her just how much she'd wounded him.

"I truly am sorry, Chris."

He cut her off with a hand in the air. "Stop. You don't need to say sorry. I know you're sorry. I knew the day I found your note." He stopped, swallowed. Anna quailed under his direct blue gaze. "I knew what you were going through. What I didn't understand, what I still don't understand, is why you left me? Why me?" His fists clenched.

A phone rang and Chris ignored it. Anna began to realize just how bad of an idea this had been. He was working, really important work. She could hear someone coming from another part of the building.

Chris pointed out the door. "Meet me across the street in the park. I'll get Mark to cover for me. Please, Anna, be waiting for me when I get there."

Chapter 19

Anna sat on the park bench and tucked her purse tight under her arm. She planted her feet firmly on the ground to stop her legs from shaking, but could still feel them tremble. She hoped Chris wouldn't notice.

She waited, fixed on the door across the street while she went over what she would say to him. She chased a few ideas, but kept coming back to the same thing. She shouldn't have left Chris. He didn't deserve what she'd done to him. Tears pooled in Anna's eyes.
How could he possibly forgive me? I don't even deserve it.

She'd left Chris even after they started planning to move in together. He'd finished his paramedic training and was considering entering medical school. Anna had recently graduated with her journalism degree and had applied at the Toronto Sun for a position as a reporter. She'd agreed that Chris would take out student loans to help with school, but that Anna's job would support them until he could. They had so many plans, exciting plans, and then she just couldn't do it. It was a conversation that scared her. Chris wanted children, lots of them. At the time, nothing scared her more. Ironically, she now wanted nothing more than to have a baby. How foolish she'd been.

Chris had pulled Anna close and kissed her neck. They were watching a movie, but he was feeling especially affectionate and didn't seem to be paying much attention. They'd been talking a lot about the future, and their plans seemed to have given Chris a lot of excitement.

"I love you, Anna." Chris squeezed her until she protested.

"Chris, not so hard."

"Sorry, baby, I just want to show you how much I love you."

Anna laughed and tweaked his nose. "You don't have to break me in half to show me. You could just say it or buy me a flower."

"Nah, it's not nearly as much fun." Chris turned her to look at him. "Baby?"

The movie was definitely over for them. Anna looked into his eyes, her favorite feature of his. "Hmmm?"

"Let's have a baby, lots of babies as soon as we can."

Anna jerked like she'd been stung. "What?"

"I want children with you. At least three or four."

Anna swallowed, her throat parched. Her voice came out cracked. "Isn't it a little early to discuss children?"

Chris grinned, his eyes crinkling in the corners and his white teeth gleaming. ”It's never too early. We don't have to have them now, but I don't want to wait until we're too old. Once your career is going well, we can afford it even if I'm not done with medical school. They'll pay for a maternity leave."

"Whoa!" Anna interrupted. "I don't think that's very smart. If we're going to have children, we should wait until we're financially stable. Wait until you're out of school."

"If?" Chris, as usual, heard the one word that made the rest redundant. "What do you mean if? Don't you want children with me?"

"Well." Anna had never been able to lie to Chris. She knew he could practically read her thoughts, so she'd never tried.
 

Chris took her shoulders in his hands and forced her to look into his face. "Anna?"

She couldn't bear his hurt look so she turned away. "Do we have to talk about it now?" she mumbled.

"Well, no, we don't have to decide now, you're right. But the question of whether or not to have children is an important discussion considering our plans for the future. We're moving into permanence here. I want children and I guess I assumed you did too. I shouldn't have, but honestly it never crossed my mind you didn't feel the same way."

Anna stared at the movie, not seeing anything more than a blur on the screen. She couldn't look at Chris, couldn't bear to hear the hurt in his voice that she'd seen in his eyes. He came from an Irish family and was one of six kids. His family was huge and spread all over Ontario, though most were in Toronto. They were very family-oriented and seriously close. There wasn't a holiday that his parents didn't have at least a dozen or more people at the house for dinner.

Anna had grown up spending many such evenings at his house, preferring their boisterous gatherings to her own family's sterile meals or Mamma's high-class evenings that felt empty. She loved Chris' family and they loved her. Anna and Chris' relationship was such that everyone just assumed it would take the natural course into marriage. No one ever considered they wouldn't eventually add their own little Mackenzies to the family numbers.

Anna had never thought of what her not wanting children might do to Chris. How could she even consider marrying him and not realize he was a man who needed children? She couldn't do that to him. But she also couldn't fathom having children herself. She was terrified of being a mother.

The next morning, after refusing to discuss it further, she had left.

The door opened and Anna watched as Chris left the building and crossed the street to where she sat. His gaze didn't leave her for a second. Anna felt much like a bug pinned to a display board.
 

"You waited," was all he said as he sat beside her.

"Yes."

"Why?" Chris said, not looking at her.

Anna tried to speak, but the words caught in her throat. She tried again. "It was our conversation that last night."

"About children." Chris said it like he already knew the answer. "You really didn't want children, did you?"

"No. So, I couldn't condemn you to that. To be with me and be childless."

"Things always change. I would have been willing to let it go."

Anna stared at her feet. She'd worn her prettiest pair of leather sandals with a three-inch heel. She'd tried to look beautiful for him without being too obvious. She felt foolish for thinking it would be easy. "No," she finally said, "you couldn't have let it go. I knew how much you wanted children and I knew I could never have them. I couldn't do that to you. I felt at the time it was better to let you go to find a woman who wasn't so damaged." Anna bit her lip, hoping more than anything that he would understand. It was so hard trying to explain her state of mind, especially now that she didn't believe any of the same things.

"You still feel that way?" Chris asked. She felt him move closer, but she didn't look up.

"No."

"Is that why you're here?"

"No."

"Anna." Chris huffed out a breath. "Will you talk to me? Why exactly are you here?"

Anna tried to formulate her thoughts into a clear stream that would make sense. Her reasons that had seemed so reasonable in the middle of the night now seemed idealistic.

Anna's shoulders slumped. "I guess I just needed to tell you I was sorry, that you didn't deserve what I did to you, and that I'm a different person now. I realize how foolish it was to think that I could just explain it to you and make it all better. I'm really sorry I came back into your life only to mess it up again."

"You didn't mess up my life again."

Anna's face flamed with embarrassment. Why had she assumed that he still cared.
What a foolish woman I am.

"My life never got unmessed since you left."

Anna's head whipped up and she stared into Chris' eyes. They were sad, but twinkling a little with that familiar teasing glint. "I never did have any children, so whether you had them or not, it wouldn't have made a difference to my future. I would rather have had you than a town full of children, you foolish woman."

Anna looked at Chris through watery eyes. "You don't have any children? So, you never ..."

"No, I never got married either. I'm single."

"But, you didn't ..." Anna wiped at the tears, "you didn't wait for me did you?" The thought of that was enough to crack her heart into irreparable pieces. She felt even worse than before.

Chris reached out a finger and scooped up a tear. It glistened on the end of his finger until he closed his hand into a fist and dropped it back into his lap. "Yes, I guess I did. I stopped thinking about you daily after a few years, but I just never connected with anyone after that. I'm a one-woman man, Anna. I always was and will always be. Sadly for me, I found my one woman before she was ready to be with me forever."

Anna’s whole body drooped. "Oh, Chris," she whispered. How could she tell him that she didn't wait? How could she say that even now she was married, even if she planned to divorce Rob? It sickened her how selfish she'd been.
I actually don't deserve this man.
But now that she'd walked back into his life, how could she leave again even if she didn't deserve his love?

Chris laughed quietly. "Stop thinking so much. I forgive you, even if you think you don't deserve it. I don't know if that will change things for us or not, but I definitely don't want you beating yourself up."

Anna raised her head and looked into his eyes. "You're too good to be true, you know. You're right, I don't deserve you."

"Hey, that's not what I ..."

"But it's true. I am grateful for your forgiveness, but I'll never forget what I did to you. I'm truly sorry, Chris. I really am. You are a good man and you deserve a woman who'll never forget that."

"Well, if what you say is true, most of us don't get what we deserve anyway." Chris grinned at her and Anna couldn't help but smile back even if it was a wobbly one.

"Now," Chris said, "let's talk about other things. What have you been up to for the last ten years?"

Anna cringed. How could she talk about anything without telling him she was married. She'd removed her ring before leaving for the airport, but there was a telltale white circle around her finger. She'd kept her hand hidden as much as possible, but it wouldn't be long before he'd see it.

"There's something I have to tell you."

He stood and grabbed her hand, pulling her to her feet. "Let's go get some ice cream. We can talk more then."

Anna followed him, the familiar feeling of her hand engulfed in his bringing comfort like she hadn't known in years. She'd forgotten not only how well her hand fit into his, but also his manic love of ice cream.

Chris wiped some ice cream off the tip of Anna’s nose. He licked his finger, and she laughed. Her stomach was in knots at the thought of what she had to tell him, but he kept making her smile despite how she felt. She’d forgotten how wonderful it was to be with him.
 

The city streets were crowded with tourists from all over the world, as they always were in summer. Not far away was the famous Niagara Falls, the honeymoon capital of the world. The thought of honeymoons brought Anna back to the very thing she’d avoided telling Chris. She needed to do it before they went any further.

“Chris.” She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, people streaming around them, some even cursing her.

Chris turned with a smile that abruptly faded when he saw her face. “What is it?”

“I’m married.”

His face cleared. “Oh, is that all? I already knew that. I also know you’re leaving him. So everything’s fine then.”

Anna stared at him, overwhelmed with confusion. “How did you know?”

Chris laughed and tugged on her hand, moving them back into the stream of the human river. As they flowed along, he explained. “Human psychology, sweetheart. I had to take it when I was doing my pre-med. You used to wear a ring, as evidenced by the very white ring on your otherwise tanned finger. You are no longer wearing said ring, and a woman like you would not remove her ring unless she was planning on removing the man who gave it to her. Correct?”