Love at Second Sight (21 page)

‘I’m not in trouble, Mum. Nothing like that.’ I took a deep breath and told her the whole story, right from the start and the day on the Heath to earlier that day at Mrs
Rayner’s. It felt good to talk it all out from beginning to end so that I could make sense of it too.

Mum listened quietly, not commenting. At one point, she got up and got us a glass of orange juice each from the fridge. When I’d finished, she got up, came over to me and gave me a big
hug. It felt good to breathe in her familiar Mum smell and be wrapped in her arms. ‘Oh, Jo, what a lot to have been carrying around with you.’

‘There was nothing you could have done,’ I said when she let me go.

‘All the same, I wish you’d told me earlier,’ she said as she sat back down.

‘But there was nothing to tell or at least not until recently. It didn’t make sense and I didn’t believe it anyway, then as more things came to light, it all got so mixed up in
my head, I didn’t know what to think or say. You have to admit, it’s kind of a mad story.’

‘Yes but then what do we know about anything? After your dad died, I thought a lot about what happens next, like, where did he go? Does it end when the body dies? Who knows? I certainly
don’t. Here we all are and yet no-one really knows where we’ve come from, what we’re doing here and where we go when the body wears out.’

‘I know ... I mean, I don’t know. I find it overwhelming how
much
I don’t know,’ I said. ‘It’s
vast
how much I don’t know!’

Mum looked at me tenderly. ‘My little Jo. I hate to think you’ve been so unhappy these last weeks, trying to soldier on all by yourself under the weight of all this, but then, I
suppose that’s who you are or who you’ve become. You were so brave when your dad died. So determined to be strong.’

‘I didn’t want to upset you any more than you already were.’

Mum reached out and took my hand again. ‘You’d just lost your father, Jo. You didn’t need to hold it together for me. Maybe that recurring dream you’ve been having is
because you didn’t let it out.’

I felt my eyes fill with tears again. ‘I don’t think my dream was just about Dad. Henrietta lost her father at a young age too and then lost Howard. So much loss. My dad, her dad and
now Howard.’ I started to sob and soon the tears wouldn’t stop. It felt like a floodgate inside me had opened and wave upon wave of pain and sadness burst forward. I wasn’t even
sure who I was crying for. For me or Mum or Howard or Henrietta or Dad. Mum was at my side in an instant and held me to her, her eyes also full of tears.

When I’d finally stopped, Mum let me go again and got me some tissues.

‘So what did Mrs Rayner want?’ I asked after I’d blown my nose.

‘She called to say she’d found Henrietta’s death certificate. It was amongst Howard’s papers. The cause of death was tuberculosis. She said you might like to
know.’

‘Cause of Henrietta’s death. My death. Major weird, don’t you think?’

Mum nodded. ‘Major. Though sometimes you have to accept there are some things we just don’t understand. All I do know is that while we have this life, we must appreciate what’s
around us. Don’t miss any of it. The cycles and recycles of nature. The way leaves change colour and fall in the auturnn leaving the trees stripped and bare, like skeletons, the end of a
cycle. Then out of nowhere come buds and the branches are full of blossom and new green leaves it’s like magic. Perhaps nature is telling us that is how it is on many levels. A constant
renewal. Death leads to rebirth.’

‘Do you think?’ I asked as Mum stared out of the window as if deep in thought.

‘When I was younger,’ Mum continued, ‘I was so sure about many things, so opinionated. As I’ve got older, I’ve realised that I know nothing for sure.’

I nodded. ‘Do you think I might have been Henrietta?’

‘Why not? It could be that you have some psychic power and have tuned into something that took place. There are people who have that gift, you know. On the other hand, maybe you were her.
Why not? Either way though, she’s gone. Died of tuberculosis. But you’re still here as Jo, right here, right now, breathing and alive.’

‘So you’re saying live for the present and forget the past?’

‘Not exactly. We all carry our past within us but don’t dwell on it. It’s gone. And I’m not saying don’t have your plans for the future either. It’s good to
have goals. I’m just saying in the meantime, don’t miss your life. Don’t be so busy trying to work it all out that you miss the small stuff that’s going on around you. Try
to live in the present and enjoy all that there is to experience.’

‘Sounds good,’ I said.

‘Do you have any idea which of the boys your Howard might be this time around?’ asked Mum.

I shook my head. ‘Not really. Maybe. I was hoping that seeing his photograph might shed some light but it didn’t. And I was hoping that Mrs Rayner might be able to tell us if he and
Henrietta met up again between her dismissal and her death but she didn’t know.’

‘Maybe you have to let that go,’ said Mum. ‘If what you saw was right, then Howard was there at the end with her. You can’t relive that life. It’s gone and even
though you have some of her memories, Henrietta wasn’t the real you, Jo. The real you is in this century. You’re a different person now in a different time with different options and
choices to make. Yes, your Howard might be out there somewhere but meeting him might be down to the right timing. I am sure if your dad and I had met years earlier than we did, we wouldn’t
have hit it off at all. So maybe you’ll meet your Howard when the time’s right.’

‘Maybe, though I hope I don’t have to wait too long. When I saw him in the regression and then his photograph today at Mrs Rayner’s, I felt like I really missed him, like an
ache inside of me.’

Mum nodded and she looked sad for a moment. I knew she was thinking about Dad.

‘But you know what, Mum? You’re right about living for the present and enjoying your life and do you know what I feel like doing more than anything?’

‘What’s that, love?’

‘I think in order to move on, I have to let go of the past and live right now, in the present, and I want to make some changes.’

Mum raised an eyebrow. ‘Sounds exciting. So what are you going to do?’

‘A makeover! Starting with my bedroom.’

‘When you looked at the photo of Howard, Jo,’ said Tash as she helped me take the posters down from my wall, ‘did you see anything in the eyes? Anything that
you feel would help you recognise him now?’

I shook my head. ‘Not really He looked intelligent and kind but it might be hard to recognise him now with a different face.’

‘He might recognise you,’ said Tash. ‘Ever considered that?’

‘That could make things easier,’ I said.

‘Your heart will recognise him and tell you who is right for you,’ Tash continued. ‘I don’t think you need to worry too much. Love will find you.’

‘I think it’s Finn,’ said Effy.

‘Maybe. But he’s such a flirt with everyone.’

‘It could be because he was an unmarried Victorian gent in his last life,’ said Effy. ‘He’s making up for it this time around.’

‘I think it’s Ben,’ said Tash. ‘From what you’ve told us about him, it sounds like he’s got more depth than Finn.’

‘And Owen is still there in the background, Jo,’ added Effy. ‘Don’t rule him out. Feelings change and you know he’d always be there for you in a flash if you ever
needed him.’

‘I do,’ I said. ‘But it’s not clear about any of them.’ I knew that was a lie though. I felt that it had to be Finn. He was the one who occupied my thoughts and
made my stomach flip but I didn’t want to let on just how much I really liked him in case I ended up looking like a fool. ‘Boys do my head in. A few weeks ago, I thought there were
maybe three contenders for Howard and now, maybe none. Finn hasn’t emailed me since the day after my party so for all I know, he’s got off with some new girl he’s met. And even if
I did like Ben, I reckon I’ve blown it with him because he knows I’m so into his mate, and Owen, well it’s on a different level with him. He’s a mate but. . . maybe it was
bad timing with us and I met the right guy at the wrong time.’

‘You should tell each of them the whole story and see how they react,’ said Effy ‘Though Owen already knows most of it.’

‘I already know that Ben thinks that clairvoyants and past life stuff is tosh,’ I said. ‘And Finn would try and see how he could make it work for him. Like when I was going to
see the clairvoyants for the magazine, he asked me to see if they said anything about him.’

Effy laughed. ‘He’s such a smoothie,’ she said.

‘But surely the right one will listen and understand and your story will resonate with him,’ said Tash.

‘Yeah,’ said Effy. ‘Tash is right. Maybe they’ve been experiencing synchronicity or recurring dreams of their own.’

‘Yeah,’ Tash agreed. ‘Both Finn and Ben were there on the Heath that day Betty told you about Howard, and even weirder, so was Mrs Rayner. That was a coincidence
too.’

‘But you have to choose which boy in the end,’ said Effy.

Betty’s words came back to me. She had said exactly that:
You must choose.

‘But how do I decide?’

‘Spend time with them,’ said Tash.

‘No. It’s easier than that,’ said Effy. ‘Remember what you said about Owen. About how kissing him felt bland. No spark. What you need to do is snog them. You’ll
know then.’

I laughed. ‘Effy, surely it can’t be that straightforward? Not that black or white? And anyhow, what am I going to say? I need to kiss you to see if you’re my soulmate from a
past life? No. The moment has to be right. The feelings have to be there and as you just said, feelings change. I’m going to see what happens, and if it’s meant to be, then it will
be.’

Effy pouted. ‘Oh, suit yourself then. Do it your way. Life is what you make it.’

‘Excuse me, madam. What happened to fate, destiny, synchronicity? No. I’m going to trust that whatever’s unfolded so far hasn’t finished the job yet. No. It’s not
over by a long way’

‘Kiss them. Like the fairy tale, the frog will become the prince,’ said Tash. ‘The right boy will reveal himself to be Howard.’

I had to laugh. It was so simple to Tash. ‘Listen, guys, we don’t know if Henrietta even got to kiss Howard. What if she did and discovered there was no real spark there? Or she
kissed him and they’d both lived and got bored with each other? You know how kisses can change. In the beginning, when you first like a boy, there’s such a build-up of feelings that
it’s always good to start with. Then you get to know each other, find out if you get on. It can change. I don’t think kissing Finn or Ben is the answer.’

‘Coward,’ said Effy. ‘At the very least, it might eliminate one of them.’

‘I think I should kiss a lot of boys. I mean, I’m seventeen. I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience. Maybe I need some comparisons so that when I do kiss The One, I’ll
know it.’

‘No, no,’ said Tash. ‘If either boy is Howard then it will be fireworks when you kiss him. I mean, you haven’t waited weeks to get together. You’ve waited over a
century! It will be magic’

‘You are such a romantic, Tash,’ I said.

‘I notice that you don’t talk so much about Owen as a contender,’ said Effy.

‘I’m sorry, Effy, but much as I like him, love him even, I don’t think I
love
love him,’ I said. It was hard to say to Effy because of course, she wanted her
brother to be happy, but my gut feeling was that if Howard was Owen, I’d be disappointed. I was more with Tash and the idea that if I did find Howard, it would feel amazing. ‘Even
though I know I want someone special who feels the same way about me, I also know I can’t force it. I can’t make someone love me and I’m not going to make myself believe that I
have to love someone just because I might have known them in a different life. Finn might be Howard. Ben might be Howard. Another boy might be Howard, and in this life maybe he’s moved on,
evolved, grown, and I might not be part of his joUmey this time. I have to accept that too.’ I remembered what Mum had said about me after I’d told her the story. ‘And I’m
not Henrietta any more. I am Jo Harris with memories from this life as well as any past ones.’

‘Except Betty said Howard is your soulmate and that you must find him,’ said Tash. ‘I don’t think that will change. Sounds to me like whatever happens, you still have
unfinished business with each other.’

I couldn’t argue with that.

‘As I said to you in the beginning, Jo,’ Fiona explained, ‘the unconscious tends to throw up what is appropriate. In our previous sessions, I’ve no doubt that you went
back to the moment of trauma, the loss that has caused your trouble sleeping. Now that has been isolated and confronted, there is no need to go back.’

It was true. Since the last session with Fiona and my big cry with Mum, I’d been sleeping like a baby and my recurring dream seemed to have disappeared. I felt disappointed that I
wasn’t able to go back to any further scenes with Howard though I told myself that was all the more reason I should find him in the present day.

In the meantime, I felt like I’d bonded with Mum again and we’d had a fun time looking at paint samples and soft fUmishings, and soon after had begun work on my room. The girls
helped me paint it a pale ivory on three walls and a pale powder blue on the other. Mum bought me a set of silver-grey curtains and once they were up, the whole room looked transformed, fresh and
light.

‘What about some pictures for the wall?’ asked Mum.

‘Not sure yet,’ I said. ‘I’m still looking.’