Love and Lists (Chocoholics) (12 page)

For most of the afternoon, we watched mindless TV and didn’t talk about anything important. It seemed like we were both trying to avoid the white elephant in the room. But now that we have some alcohol in our system, more important issues are being discussed.

“You broke up with Rocco?” I ask in shock, trying my hardest to keep the elation from my face.

“I said hypothetically,” she reiterates.

Dammit all to fucking hell.

How do I answer this? How does she want me to answer this?

“Um, Rocco is a really nice guy.”

BULLSHIT!

Charlotte sighs heavily and turns to face me on the couch. “That’s not what I asked. I know Rocco is a nice guy. One of the best. I want to know how you would feel if I wasn’t with him anymore.”

Feelings? Fuck, she wants to talk about feelings? I feel like I want to go streaking through the streets if she’s no longer with Rocco. I’m guessing that’s not what she’s looking for here, though.

I need to talk to my dad. This is really sad that I’m a grown man and need my dad, but I do. Fucking Tyler and his ‘shroom chocolates. If I call my dad now, he’ll probably just tell me to eat the butter because the cornflakes are watching.

“Can you hold that thought for a minute? I just realized I forgot to send an email out for work. It’s really important,” I add when I see the disappointed look on her face.

“Fine, but hurry up. I’m feeling a little buzzed and I want to talk.”

Standing up and walking backwards toward the doorway, I watch as she pulls her legs out from underneath her and leans forward to grab her beer bottle. The front of her shirt falls open and I have a perfect view of her red, lace-covered breasts.

Sweet Jesus. What was I doing? What day is it? Did I eat a ‘shroom chocolate by mistake?

“Stop staring at my boobs and hurry up,” she tells me with a smirk.

I flinch and look up into her eyes, a little shocked that she hasn’t made any attempt to lean back so I can’t see down her shirt anymore. It’s like she WANTS me to keep staring at her boobs. I feel like it’s my civic duty to continue staring at her boobs. Even
they
want me to keep staring, the way they’re all pushed up in her bra and looking so amazing without even trying. I think one just winked at me. Do boobs wink? Does beer contain eleventy-seven thousand percent alcohol by volume now?

Remembering my purpose for suddenly getting up from my spot next to her, I start backing up again, my eyes never leaving her winking boobs.

Eventually, I have to pull my gaze away as I round the corner of the living room and into the kitchen. Turning around, I race across the room and wedge myself between the fridge and the cupboards, pulling my cell out of my back pocket and dialing the first number I can think of.

As the phone rings, I peek my head out from around the fridge to make sure Charlotte didn’t follow me in here.

“This better be good. I have a naked woman on the roof and a jar of almonds toasting in the microwave,” Uncle Drew answers.

“Charlotte wants to talk about feelings!” I whisper yell into the phone.

“Carrots want to dog above ceilings? Dude, are you stoned?” Uncle Drew replies.

Taking a quick glance around the fridge again, I raise my voice a little louder, cupping my hand around my mouth to contain my words.

“Charlotte is in my living room. I just saw her boobs. I repeat, I JUST SAW HER BOOBS!”

There’s silence on the other end of the line and I wonder if the call dropped.

“Uncle Drew?” I whisper.

“I’m here, I’m here. Fuck! I wasn’t expecting this phone call for at least another seven to ten days. Aunt Jenny hasn’t finished making the bar graph, and we still have statistics to process. Shit! Okay, don’t panic. Did you TOUCH the boobs yet?” Uncle Drew questions.

“No! But she wants me to tell her how I feel. What the fuck do I do?”

Uncle Drew sighs. “Fuck. Feelings. Damn, she’s bringing out the big guns. Okay, here’s what you do. You distract her. Chicks are like squirrels on crack. Throw a nut in their direction and they’ll forget what they just wanted five seconds before,” Uncle Drew explains.

“So, you’re saying I should just change the subject when she asks me how I feel?”

“Fuck no! I’m saying, if she asks you some girly shit, you throw your nuts at her. Whip those puppies out, roll them around in your hands, and get her to focus on those bad boys instead.”

Remind me again why I thought calling him was a good idea?

“I’m not showing her my balls!” I whisper angrily into the phone.

Uncle Drew laughs and before he can give me any other stellar advice, I hear Aunt Jenny in the background.

“Drew, did you just tell Gavin to show Charlotte his balls to avoid talking about how he feels?”

“Babe, why did you get down from the roof? The almonds are almost ready and the pickled relish is cooling on the stove,” Uncle Drew pleads.

“Drew Parritt, are you telling Gavin not to talk about his feelings?” Aunt Jenny demands again.

I hear a rustle of fabric over the line and then Uncle Drew shouts, “ Jenny, look at my nuts!”

Peering around the corner, I see Charlotte walk into the room and look at me questioningly.

“Ooooh, I love your nuts. Don’t forget to grab the salad thongs. I’ll see you on the roof.”

A few seconds later, Uncle Drew comes back on the line as Charlotte walks right up to me and stands a few inches away, staring into my eyes.

“What did I tell you? Nut tossing works every time. Good luck. I gotta go. There’s a few orgasms calling my name.”

The dial tone sounds in my ear and I end the call, slowly lowering my arm down and placing my phone on the counter next to me, my eyes never leaving Charlotte’s.

“Are you done with work stuff?” she asks.

I nod my head in response, unable to speak because of her close proximity. I want to touch her boobs. They’re right in front of me, straining against the front of her T-shirt. They’re doing this on purpose! They know I can’t just reach out and touch them whenever I want. Fucking boob teasers.

“We kissed the other night,” Charlotte whispers.

I swallow thickly and nod again, trying not to look directly at the boobs since it would be rude.

“What were you feeling right when we kissed?” Charlotte asks, leaning in closer so that her boobs are now pressed up against my chest.

I want to snuggle her boobs and I want to kiss her and never stop, and she wants feelings! I have feelings, dammit! I have all the feels! But what if my feels aren’t the same as her feels and I look like an idiot because of my feels? I don’t want to look like an idiot!

Staring down the front of her shirt, her warm breath on my face, I reach for the fly of my jeans without even thinking about what I’m doing.

“I HAVE NUTS!”

“You look guilty. Why do you look guilty?” Tyler asks as soon as he hops into the passenger seat of my car and I take off.

How the fuck does he do that? Of course I feel guilty. My best friend stuck her hand down my pants last night and jerked me off. And when I tried to reciprocate and wound up ripping her underwear by accident, she left without saying a word. I’m way beyond feeling guilty. I’m fucking mortified.

My mom had a meeting she couldn’t miss this morning and my dad is being released from the hospital. She didn’t ask so much as tell me I would be picking him up today.

“You need to pick your dad up from the hospital. And take him wherever he wants to go. I don’t care if he has to go back to the doctor for an enema, you will go with him and hold his hand.”

Even though Tyler spent half the evening with my parents last night after I left the hospital with Charlotte, I didn’t feel like that punishment was enough for him, considering he roofied my dad, so I told him he was coming with me.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t feel guilty,” I finally reply, refusing to look in his direction.

“Liar, liar, you’re a fucking whore. Spill it,” Tyler demands as I stop at a red light.

I can feel Tyler’s eyes boring into me from the other side of the car, and I know my face is heating up and turning red.

“Oh my fuck. Is that a hickey on your neck?” Tyler shouts.

Craning my neck, I look into the rearview mirror, and sure enough there is a little red mark right below my ear. Hot damn.

“I think you have your answer right there, bro. When a chick gives you a hickey, she means business.”

Looking away from the mirror, I glance over at him in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Tyler shakes his head at me. “Dude. She marked you. Now, every chick that sees you is going to know you’re taken. She should have just pissed all over you and been done with it. Golden shower, party of one!”

I’m sure that’s not why Charlotte did it. It was the heat of the moment and all that shit. Tyler’s insane.

“So, you made a move. Little Gavin is all grown up. It brings a tear to my eye. Under the shirt AND under the bra? Did you blow your load in your pants as soon as you touched her tits? Is that why you feel guilty?”

I scoff at him and roll my eyes. “What are we, twelve? Did you seriously just ask me that?”

I know, I know. I totally DID blow my load like ten seconds after she touched me, but I’m not about to tell Tyler that.

“Hey, it happens to the best of us. I once came in my pants when I was thirteen and Christy Collins made me play with her My Little Ponies.”

I laugh and glance Tyler’s way as I wait for a red light to change. “Was Christy Collins THAT hot when she was thirteen?”

Tyler shakes his head and pulls his cell phone out of his back pocket. “It had nothing to do with her. Have you ever played with My Little Ponies? They have such silky smooth hair and cute little butts. Twilight Sparkle is my favorite.”

I can’t form words right now, even if my life depended on it.

“Dude, did you jerk off to a My Little Pony?” I ask in disgust.

“See? I knew you’d judge me. It’s not like that at all. It’s all about her personality,” Tyler argues.

“It’s a fucking plastic horse! Holy shit, you don’t bang animals do you?” I yell in horror.

“Oh my God, that’s just sick, Gavin. Really, I expected better from you. Can we please change the subject? I really don’t like discussing my Bronie status with someone who doesn’t live the lifestyle,” Tyler complains.

“Did you just say Bronie? What the fuck is that? Is this some sort of club or something?”

“Not that you care, but yes. Bronies are a select group of men who appreciate the beauty and personalities of My Little Ponies,” Tyler explains.

“And by
appreciate
I’m assuming you mean
jerk off to
,” I say with a laugh.

“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!”

I just nod, trying to contain my laughter and overall disgust from this conversation.

“So, did you close the deal and fuck Charlotte?” Tyler asks, changing the subject.

“Stop. I would never fuck Charlotte. I would make love to her gently,” I tell him.

“Alright there, McSensitive Pansy Ass. Did you make sweet, sweet love to your beautiful goddess?” Tyler asks, folding his hands under his chin and batting his eye lashes at me.

“No, we didn’t get that far. I did rip her thong, though,” I tell him sheepishly.

“BOOM! That JUST happened! Maybe you really do have a penis hiding between your legs after all.”

Before I can call Tyler a My Little Pony-fucking freak, he puts his phone up to his mouth and speaks into it.

“Siri, where is the closest Victoria’s Secret?”

“I do not understand the question, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”

Listening to Siri spout off the name Tyler makes her call him, I roll my eyes and shake my head.

“Don’t judge me. Siri speaks the truth,” Tyler says distractedly as he presses the speaker button and talks into his phone once again. “Siri, my friend needs to buy some thongs for a chick he almost banged. Where the fuck is Victoria’s Secret?”

“I do not appreciate your tone of voice, Hot Lover Boy Big Penis Man Titty Tickler.”

Tyler curses at his phone.

“Why exactly do we need to go to Victoria’s Secret for thongs?” I question.

“Um, hello? Item number seven on the list. Buy that bitch some lingerie.”

Damn, I forgot about that one. Come to think of it, I’m surprised I even know my name after what happened last night with Charlotte. I don’t even need to close my eyes to remember what it felt like to have her small, warm hand wrapped around me. Things escalated quickly between us in my kitchen, and I hope to God she doesn’t have any regrets because I want a repeat performance as soon as possible. One where I actually last more than a few seconds. I have no idea what any of this means. Is she going to break up with Rocco now? Was last night a fluke because she was a little buzzed and it will never happen again? Why the fuck can’t vaginas come with instruction manuals?

“Siri, you are a worthless piece of shit,” Tyler complains.

“I could say the same about you.”

“You fucking whore! Take a note, Siri. Go fuck your mother.”

“This note has been recorded and added to your Notepad.”