Love and Chaos (17 page)

But
his touch had nearly undone her. Even knowing that it was expertly and coldly
applied, he had still known just what buttons she had, and how to push them. In
the space of about fifteen seconds, he had her twisting in his arms, nearly
begging him to take her on the countertop. It was shameless, she thought. But
she knew and understood that she could go no further than that. If she did, if
she allowed their arrangement to progress to a sexual relationship, he would
destroy her. He wouldn’t mean to, but he would. After three years, he would
quietly divorce her, and show her the door.

A
door that she was looking to with longing now. Not even a year was up. Oh hell,
not even half a year was up. She would need to survive this for a lot longer
than she’d survived it so far. Could she do it without destroying her heart?
Emma wasn’t sure. Because, as hard as Mason was, as emotionally distant as he
made himself out to be, there was something inside him that pulled at her. She
saw pieces of this occasionally – with Chaos, with his sister, even with her.
But only pieces, and they were quickly tucked back into place.

Looking
out into the night, Emma replayed his touch. Replayed his words to her.
Wondered what would have happened if she’d let things go on. But she didn’t
wonder for long. She knew. She would become his sexual release, and he would
become her world. She needed to stop it when she did, and she needed to make
sure this didn’t happen again.

Mason
was leaving on Monday. Today was Thursday. As far as she knew, they had no
plans this weekend. Time to make herself scarce, she thought. By the time they
saw each other again, this day would be truly behind her, and her emotions
would be back in check.

The
next day, after a quiet morning doing laundry and relaxing in her room, Emma
decided to take the bull by the horns and deal with her family. Throwing on an
old pair of sweats, a t-shirt, and some tennis shoes, she loaded Chaos into her
car and headed for the dog park. After throwing the ball so many times that
Chaos began to look the other way when she threw it in hopes of getting some
rest, Emma gave him some fresh water and a handful of treats. After stopping at
the local coffee shop for a drink and a snack, she headed over to her
grandmother’s house.

Knocking
lightly on the front door, she pushed it open and stepped in, calling out as
she entered. “Gran?”

Her
grandmother appeared in the doorway, her feet encased in a pair of old tennis
shoes, and her hair tied back in some crazy fashion to keep it out of her eyes.
“Emma, what on earth are you doing here?” she asked.

“Came
to talk,” Emma responded, kissing her on the cheek. “Is it a bad time?”

Gran
shook her head vehemently, nearly dislodging one of the pins that was holding
her hair in place. “Oh Lord no. I was just settling in for some stupid afternoon
TV that always makes me infuriated at the low depths to which our society has
shrunk. And then I realize that I’m watching it and that just makes me madder.
Come on in. Where’s Chaos?”

“He’s
in the car, napping. I’m parked in the shade, so he’s fine for a bit.”

“You
can bring him in, you know,” her grandmother offered.

“I
know. But then he’ll wake up and just start getting into everything. I just
took him to the dog park, and he ran about a million miles there, so he’s worn
out. He’s happy.”

“But
you’re not,” her grandmother said, looking closely at her.

“Not
what?” Emma asked.

“Happy.”

She
sighed. “Not particularly, no.”

“Well
come on in and sit down, and tell me what’s going on. Is it that man?” she
asked with a frown.

Emma
shook her head. “Mason? Not really. That’s pretty much going exactly as I
expected it would. No, I’m more unhappy with how things are with us,” she
explained as she plopped down on the couch next to her grandmother. “I miss my
family.”

“You
should have thought of that before you ran away and married a man behind our
backs,” her grandmother sniffed.

Emma
looked over at her grandmother. “Oh just stop,” she said firmly. “If Jen had
done this, you’d all have thrown a party. I had my reasons, which none of you
ever considered, or even asked about. It was just all about you. So enough of
this crap. You either love me and trust me enough to know that I did what I did
for a very good reason, or you boot me out on my butt. What’s it gonna be,
Granny?” she challenged with a grin.

“Do
not call me Granny,” her grandmother groused. But then she sighed. “You’re
probably right. We’d celebrate until the cows came home if Jen came home
married to a man like Mason.”

“So
what’s the issue with me?”

Her
grandmother looked thoughtful. “You’ve always been the responsible one, Emma.
We all somehow expect that Jen will come home one day with a shaved head, a
tattoo on her back, and some motorcycle-man in tow, and announce that they
eloped. You, we expected the white dress and the party and the bouquet tossing.
It’s just something we need to work through, I guess. Plus the fact that you
didn’t include us in any of this. I guess we felt left out. We never even knew
you were dating, for God's sake.”

Emma
leaned back in her chair. Of all the members of her family, she was closest to
her grandmother. Boxed stuffing, frozen pie, and all. She had gotten her love
for cooking from this woman. She had spent hours at her house when she was
little, curled up next to her, watching episodes of Seinfeld. Maybe it was time
to confide in her.

“Well,
I wasn’t,” she said at last.

“Wasn’t
what?”

“Dating.
I just met him two days before I married him.”

Her
grandmother looked over at her, then over at her well-stocked bar. “Do I need a
martini for this conversation?”

Emma
gave a half laugh, and said, “Maybe.”

But
Emma’s grandmother shook her head. “No. I’ll wait. Go ahead. Explain.”

So
Emma told her the story. Told her about Jen, about the contract, about Mason’s
threats. Told her about the quick marriage, the social events, meeting his mother.
Told her about the slow building up of a friendship. Even told her about what
had happened last night. And through it all, her grandmother just held her hand
and listened.

“Well,”
she said when Emma finished. “We’ve certainly been giving you hell when you
didn’t deserve it. Sounds like you’ve been living through a hell of your own.”

And
for the first time since this whole fiasco began, Emma broke down in tears. Her
grandmother just held her and let her sob her heart out.

“So
let’s figure this out, you and me,” she said at last, when Emma was at last
reduced to a hiccupping mess.

“First,
you have your family support system back. I won’t say a word to your parents
about all of this, since I know you’re trying to keep Jen’s ridiculous behavior
quiet, but I’ll do what I can to make sure that things go back to normal. And
you should bring Mason over with you from time to time. We need to meet the
young man. That will help. But it seems to me that you have a few things to
deal with, the first being your own feelings for your husband.”

“My
feelings for him are ambivalent at best, Gran,” Emma admitted. “I’m attracted
to him, but I don’t really know if it does, or if it could, go any further than
that.”

“You
could sleep with him,” her grandmother suggested.

“Gran!”

“Oh
come on. I watch nighttime television. I know what happens between kids these
days. But if you sleep with him, you’ll probably fall in love with him. It’s
the way you’re built, Emma.”

“OK,”
Emma responded somewhat moodily. “So no sleeping with the husband. Check.”

“No
need to be grumpy, young lady,” her grandmother said sternly.

“Sorry
Gran,” Emma said with the beginnings of a grin. It was the first time she’d
felt like smiling in days.

“So
no sex,” Gran continued. “But that means you need an outlet for all of that
temptation. And having seen your husband’s photo in the paper, I can see how
that temptation might be rather.... strong. How about an affair on the side?”
she suggested.

Emma
crossed her arms and looked sternly at her grandmother. “Gran! Nighttime
television plots are not a good tool to use to plan my life!”

“No
prospects?” Gran asked sympathetically.

Emma
shook her head. “I’m
not
sleeping around just because my husband makes
me... well...”

“Why
not?”

“Because
when I sleep with a guy, it means something. And how the heck am I going to
build a relationship with one man when I’m married to someone else? That even
sounds awful, just saying it!”

“How
about building a relationship with your husband?”

Emma
stopped and sighed. “I don’t think he has the capacity for that.”

But
Gran looked at her thoughtfully. “Maybe he does. Maybe you just need to pull it
out of him.”

“I
can’t do that, Gran,” Emma responded softly. “I can’t invest in someone to that
extent, just to fail. It will kill me.”

“And
if you don’t try? Will you regret it?”

She
shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

Her
grandmother patted her knee. “Well that’s one thing to think about. Now back to
your outlet... do you have toys?”

Emma
nearly flew off the couch. “Gran! I am not discussing this with you!”

“Well
then go to the gym,” Gran said in disgust. “Work off your frustration. But
you’d better seriously tire yourself out, because if he pushes you up against a
wall again, you’re not going to be able to walk away that easily.”

Emma
sighed, leaning back into the couch again. “No kidding,” she said softly.

“You’re
always welcome over here, Emma. If you need a break. For as long as you want to
stay.”

“Thanks,
Gran.” Emma smiled mischievously. “Will you bake me cookies? From scratch?”

Her
grandmother shrugged. “Maybe. Or maybe from a mix.”

Emma
laughed. “Thanks, Gran. For listening and understanding.”

“Watch
out for yourself, Emma. Listen to your heart. And bring that man by. Not only
do I want to be able to admire him, but I’d kind of like to get to know him for
myself. Because now, after what you’ve told me, I’m a little worried about
you.”

“He’s
safe, Gran. Honestly. He won’t hurt me.”

“Not
physically, Emma. But I’m worried about your heart. So bring him by, ok?”

Nodding,
Emma agreed. “OK. But not yet. I’m avoiding him this weekend, and he’s gone all
next week. So after that?”

“After
that. And if you’re avoiding him this weekend, how about taking me to my beauty
parlor appointment tomorrow?”

“On
a Sunday?”

“Sally
opens in the afternoon for me. That way, nobody else comes in, and we enjoy a
good gossip. You can come along. It might get your mind off of things, and also
give you some ammunition for when you're dealing with some of those society
people.”

Emma
grinned. “OK, Gran. What time?”

“Pick
me up at 12:30. We can grab a quick lunch at the diner before we go over to
Sally’s.”

“Deal.”
Emma stood up, then leaned over to kiss her grandmother on the cheek. “Thanks
again, Gran. I love you, you know.”

“And
I love you too. I’m sorry that I didn’t just trust you on this, dear. It won’t
happen again.”

“It’s
OK,” Emma answered truthfully. “This one was a lot to take in. See you
tomorrow.”

Heading
back to her car, feeling better than she had in weeks, Emma woke up an
exhausted Chaos and took him to the local pet store, where he roamed the aisles
with glee, vacuuming up any and all pieces of food that had fallen to the
floor. After loading her cart with his dog food, dog treats, chew toys, and a
new dog bed, she headed for the checkout, dog in tow. Chaos looked up at her
approvingly as she loaded his new items into the trunk, and then handed him a
dog biscuit.

The
next stop was the grocery store. Since Chaos was separated from the dog food by
a metal dog gate, Emma felt OK about leaving him in the car with the food.
Parking in the shade again, she did a quick run through the store, picking up
food for the week, remembering that she was cooking for one again.

Then
the dry cleaners. Suits dropped off, suits picked up.

Then
the drugstore for a few items.

Then
the gas station.

By
the time Emma looked at her watch again, it was close to 6:00. Time to go home,
drop everything off, feed Chaos, crate him, and then head out again. She had
plans for the night with some old friends from college who lived about an hour
away from her. She was grateful - staying home tonight was not an option, and
she was looking forward to just relaxing with some people she knew really well,
without having to answer questions or be defensive. Margaritas were definitely
on the agenda.