Love and a Gangsta (18 page)

A few hours later, I met up with Kendal at the studio in Brooklyn. I came in some sweats and a T-shirt, and was ready to get to work. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide my pregnancy from him for too long. I was really starting to show. And it was a shame that women could notice a girl was pregnant faster than any man. I couldn’t hide it from Joanna or my co-worker Monica, but here I was working with Kendal everyday and he didn’t have any idea until today.

I walked down into the studio and Kendal was working with one of his rappers. His name was Vision he was a lyricist who reminded me of Nas. Kendal looked up at me, and went back to working with Vision. I walked in on him while he was playing with the mixer.

“What’s good, America?” Vision greeted me with a smile and a hug.

“Hey baby, I heard you’re doing your thang on the mix tapes now,” I said.

“You know it. But congratulations to you. I’m hearing all about you through the grapevine. You know we gotta collaborate on sump’n,” he said.

“That’s what’s up, Vision,” I replied smiling.

“Hi Kendal,” I greeted cheerfully.

“What’s good, ma?” he answered dryly.

An eerie silence wedged itself between us. Vision’s ringing cell phone broke the tension.

“Oh shit, this my shorty right here. Yo, I’m gonna take this outside,” he said. Before walking out, he hollered, “Yo, Kendal, I’m gonna continue our session tomorrow, ahight?”

Kendal nodded, Vision waved and bounded out the studio. Silence returned immediately after Vision’s departure. It was clear that Kendal was agitated by something. I didn’t know the reason.

“Are you just gonna ignore me for the rest of the evening?” I
asked.

“When was you gonna let me know about the baby?” he asked sarcastically.

“So you know.”

“Yeah, a lil’ birdie told me. Why you be hiding shit from me, America? Damn, this is fucked up. You’ve got record labels lookin’ at you and you about to blow up, and you get fucking pregnant!” he barked.

“Well that what usually happens when two people have sex,” I retorted angrily.

“You keeping it?”

“Of course I’m keeping my baby. It’s my husband,” I shouted becoming really annoyed with his mannerism.

“No disrespect America, but you got a lot going on for you right now, and dude comes home and boom—everything changes.”

“It doesn’t have to. I can still move forward. I’m only pregnant, that doesn’t affect my voice and the way I sing,” I said.

“But you know how some of these dudes can be, they want beauty along with a voice and with you pregnant, they just might turn the other way and find someone else.”

“Well it’ll be their lost, not mine. I’m still beautiful. I’m pregnant not deformed, Kendal.”

“We came a long way, America. And now I feel shit’s going down the drain right now. Damn, I had so much invested into you, I trusted you and you fucked me!” he spat.

“I fucked you? Kendal, what’s really going on with you?” I asked with a perplexed look. “This is more than music and me being pregnant,” I said. “We’ve been friends for over a year now, and I came down here almost every day laying down tracks and bugging out with you, and there was never a problem with you. We’re good together and we connect with music on so many levels, that I don’t want this to end.”

“I don’t either.”

“Oh, I see,” I said. It finally dawned on me. “Are you jealous of my husband?”

Kendal didn’t answer me right away. He turned away, avoiding eye
contact.

“So what’s the deal between us?” I sighed. “You don’t want me down here anymore?” I asked.

“I never said that,” he answered sounding annoyed.

“So what are you saying?” I asked staring him down.

His gaze held mine long enough for me to see his eyes becoming cloudy.

“America, I’m in love with you. I tried not to be, but I can’t help it.”

“Kendal, but you knew about my situation from the jump,” I said.

“I know, and when Monica introduced us, it was just business… Believe me. You have a great voice, and I have the right tracks. Together I know we can do big things. I try to deny my feelings for you, but it came to a point where I was looking forward to seeing you in my studio, even if it was for a short moment. I love everything about you, America… Your laugh, your talents, you’re so caring and you’re so beautiful. I hated knowing that I might never have you. It was magic the way we connected, and when you talked about your man, I felt jealous. I hated hearing about him, especially in my place. But I listened to your problems. And the shit this nigga put you through, I always questioned myself, why are you still with him? I wanted to give you so much more than just good beats and tracks. I wish I was the man in your life, not him.”

He stood close to me with his eyes never leaving mines. I didn’t even know how he felt about me until recently, when the attitude and sarcasm came out. Kendal’s a cutie and had a lot going on for him. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little attracted to him. But not enough, I kept it business with him. I’ve been with one man, Omar, since I was fifteen, and I’d never cheat on my man. Kendal took my hands into his while gazing in my eyes.

“I’m trying to let it be business only between us, but my love for you is making it hard.”

“I don’t know what to say to you, Kendal. I’m married, and we’re having a family. I never wanted to mislead you. I love and cherish our friendship and your honesty, and I don’t want that to ever end. But us, it can’t…”

Before I could finish the sentence, Kendal grabbed me into his arms
and started kissing me passionately. I was shocked by his sudden boldness. I was more surprised with myself when I didn’t resist. I should have slapped him blind and cursed him out. But didn’t. My arms were draped around him, embracing him. His lips were soft as butter as his warm, fresh breath filled me up.

He picked me up, and without thinking, I straddled him. This couldn’t happen, but I wasn’t trying to resist. I was married, pregnant, and this was a sin—infidelity was wrong. But my attraction to him with the curiosity of being with another man sexually was winning.

Kendal walked me over to the brown sofa. My back was pressed against it, and my legs wrapped around him. I felt my tongue slipping into his mouth. A river was flowing between my legs and my nipples were erect from his touch.

Kendal pulled at my sweats, trying to remove them. I held on with a weak grip. Minor resistance to his persistence, my heart pounded rapidly, and my conscience ate away at me. Omar weighed heavily on my mind. Briefly.

With a quick tug, Kendal pulled my sweatpants off. My Victoria Secrets followed quickly. His hand expertly grazed my trimmed pubic and my pussy throbbed uncontrollably. Kendal pulled up my shirt and gently kissed me on my pregnant belly. I felt his hand reach down in between my thighs and grabbed a handful.

I moaned enjoying the guilty pleasures. My eyes were closed and I bit my lips, enjoying Kendal’s lips sucking on my nipples while fingering me. He began unbuckling his pants as he stared at me in the raw. He hurriedly came out his jeans and boxers and I gasped. Kendal’s dick was hard like a long steel pipe.

Fear struck me and breath seemed caught in my throat. I needed to put this escapade with Kendal in check, I thought, spreading my legs wider for him. I gazed up at him with pleading eyes. He slowly positioned himself between my thighs, and slowly pushed his erection into me.

“Ugh!”

The grunt escaped both our mouths simultaneously. I held onto his arms as he plunged his hard thick flesh deep. He gripped the couch trying to get his rhythm going. Kendal danced between my thighs. My eyes were
closed and guilt suddenly overwhelmed me.

It felt good, but in my mind, I was thinking about my husband. Our love and his trust for me hit me like a sledgehammer. He cheated with countless women beforehand and I probably deserved this one quick good fuck from another man, just to see how it feels. But two wrongs don’t make a right. Omar was finally getting his act right and trying to better himself for us to be a family. Now I was doing wrong by him.

Kendal gripped my hips and was fucking me with burning passion. He fondled my breasts, kissed me tenderly on my neck and whispered in my ear.

“I love you, America.”

Oh God, this is wrong. Wrong, so wrong. I pledged my love to another man and tried to be a woman of God, despite all the wrong Omar’s done in his life, he deserved another chance. He deserved all my love and trust and this pussy belonged to him.

Kendal’s dick was swelling up in me, tightening my walls with each thrust. It had to stop. It shouldn’t go any further, but lust, temptation, and curiosity plagued me and I wanted to let him finish. But each thrust betrayed something stronger, something that lust and temptation shouldn’t be able to break.

I made a vow to my husband and God. I questioned myself, how can I be celibate for four years and then slip up after Omar’s return home. I had his trust, and he needed mine. I wanted him to do right for himself and the baby. Tears were running and I hated myself. This couldn’t continue. I gripped Kendal’s shoulder while he was still plunging himself into me, enjoying every moment.

“Kendal, stop,” I said, slowly trying to push his sweaty body off me.

He was tenacious and didn’t hear me. I pushed him harder by his shoulders.

“Kendal, stop, please!” I begged.

He looked at me confusedly. “What?”

“I can’t continue,” I said.

“What you mean, America? I’m almost there. I need this, please don’t do this to me,” he pleaded.

“I – I can’t. I’m a married woman. I’m carrying his baby, and I love him too much.”

“What the fuck?”

He pulled his dick out of me and jumped off the couch. Backing off, Kendal had an incredulous look on his face. He was still hard.

“Why are you doing this to me, huh? We’re good together.”

I had fucked up and crossed the line. Knowing Kendal had strong feelings for me, I had gone there. Sitting upright on the couch. I picked up my panties and sweatpants off the floor and quickly began getting dressed.

“America, you know I love you, right? And I’ll never hurt you. So why you gotta hurt me? You could have let me finished at least. Why are you doing this to me?”

“Kendal, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have started this. You’ve been so nice to me and you helped me so much with my career that I just got caught in the moment. Omar’s the only man I’ve been with and…”

My voice trailed, I didn’t know what else to say to him. It was now awkward between us. Kendal reached for his clothing and began getting dressed. When he fastened his belt, he looked at me and said, “You know what, it was mistake… You, me, the music and me hoping for sump’n I know will never happen between us. To hell with all this shit. You know what? Just go on and get the fuck up out my studio!”

“Excuse me…?”

“You heard me, get the fuck up out. I ain’t trying to deal with you on any level anymore. Go be with your nigga, and when he breaks your heart again, I ain’t here for you anymore, go cry on someone else’s shoulder,” he barked.

I was shocked and in awe. I stood up and said, “So, it’s like that between us, Kendal? It was a mistake what we just did. I’m sorry that I allowed it to go that far. But please, let’s not end it this way.”

He didn’t even acknowledge me. We came so far and I didn’t want to leave his studio with him mad at me. I wanted to salvage some type of friendship or business arrangement between us. But Kendal was truly upset.

“Fine,” I uttered, collecting my things.

Kendal was in the booth, tweaking with the mixer without looking
up at me. I was prepared to leave. I looked at him for a moment and then walked out the door. Everything was going so good and now it was going so bad. I had myself to blame. It was the first time I cheated on Omar and it felt sickening. I lost so much, my friendship with Kendal, and now I had a guilty conscience. I sat in my car crying.

When I got home, Omar was in the kitchen making dinner. I tried to hide the look of guilt from my face. It wouldn’t leave my mind. I dried my tears and walked into the kitchen to see Omar cheerfully toiling over the stove.

“Hey baby?” he greeted, turning to look at me.

Shockingly, I smacked him across his face. He was shocked and replied, “What the fuck is wrong wit’ you?”

I was deeply hurting inside. When I looked at Omar, I knew he committed the same actions against me multiple of times with different women.

How? I thought. I felt so fucked up just letting Kendal get a taste of it and here was Omar who I knew allowed plenty of women to get a taste of him. And I thought to myself, did he ever feel as guilty as I did now?

“America, what the fuck did I do now?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“So why’d you slap me?”

I was still burning inside. I grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him closer to me. “Fuck me now, baby!”