Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 09 (17 page)

friday september 16th

next day

I woke up laughing about Dave the Laugh asking if he could
rummachen unter
my
halten
.

Tee-hee.

Not that I want him to.

The puckering up thing was just a knee-jerk reaction. Like if you think of lemons, your mouth waters. So if someone looks like they are going to kiss you, you pucker up.

It is just biological.

Nothing to worry about.

4:10 p.m.

I cannot believe this!

Wet Lindsay came up to me as I was coming out of the loos. The ace gang had gone on ahead because I am meeting Masimo at the school gates. She said, “Go and get your hockey kit, you have volunteered for extra practice. Miss Stamp's thrilled with you.”

I said, “I think you will find that actually I haven't volunteered and that I am going off to meet my boyfriend. Do you know him? He is a Luuurve God.”

She stood in front of me.

“If you know what is good for you, you will get changed and get out there on that pitch.”

Merde
. I would just do a runner but she will
only report me and then I will have to go to the elephant house (Slim's office) and be beaten to death by chins again.

I slumped off behind her.

She hasn't even got a bottom.

We passed Miss Stamp in the corridor and she said, “I am really very impressed with you, Georgia, and it is very kind of you, Lindsay, to encourage the younger girls. I will be mentioning it to the Headmistress. It is a nice change to see you out of the detention room, Georgia. Keep it up.”

Buggeration.

She went off into her office.

Lindsay looked at me and gave me a very scary “smile.” How can Robbie snog her? It must be like snogging a combination octopus and praying mantis. Erlack.

ten minutes later

Lindsay is making me run around the hockey pitch.

She said, “Let this just be a little lesson to you, Nicolson, about how bad life can be if you cross me. Run round the pitch four times and then you can go. I'll be watching you.”

I said, “Masimo will be waiting for me.”

And she said, “Well, you had better run like the wind, hadn't you?”

And she went off into the changing rooms. I could see her looking at me through the window.

twenty minutes later

Dear
Gott in Himmel
I am shattered. I haven't got my special sports nunga-nunga holder and it is very tiring having them bouncing about. I finished the four laps and then I limped across to the changing rooms. I was so hot. I'd have a very quick shower, apply lippy, etc., and then dash out to my boyfriend.

thirty seconds later

The door was locked!

five minutes later

I can't believe this. It's Mr. Attwood's night off and no one else has a key.

I bet it's not his night off. I bet he is doing this on purpose. He is probably lurking around somewhere laughing.

Also, where is Wet Lindsay?

In the end I had to give up on getting my clothes. I will have to go home in my trackies with
a massive red head. I wonder what Masimo is thinking. I wonder if he is still there? In a way I hope he isn't because I know what he will be thinking if he sees my head. He'll be thinking if I wanted a tomato for a girlfriend I would have asked for one.

As I came out of the school building I saw Wet Lindsay getting on the back of Masimo's scooter and taking off!!

What a spectacular cow and a half she is.

She's done this on purpose. She said she would get me and she has.

There is only one reasonable solution to this.

I will have to kill her and eat the evidence.

walking home redly

My knickers are sticking to my botty.

This is quite literally a PANTS situation.

two minutes later

As soon as I get in I am going to plunge my head into a bucket of cold water.

one minute later

Although with my luck I will get my head stuck in the bucket, at which point Masimo will turn up on his scooter and dump me.

home

When I walked into the kitchen, Dave the Laugh was balancing something on Libby's nose. What? What fresh hell?

He looked up as I came in and said, “Blimey, you're red.”

I tried to walk across the kitchen doing that hip hip flicky flick thing to distract attention from my head, but unfortunately my botty hurt so much from running I couldn't keep it up.

I turned my back to him and got a drink of water. I said, “What are you doing here?”

He said, “I just brought round the kitty treats for Angus, but Libby has eaten most of them. Still, it's the thought that counts.”

I turned back to him and he looked at me.

“You are quite sensationally red.”

I went off into the bathroom.

He was not wrong.

I looked like my head had turned into a lurking lurker.

five minutes later

I quickly plunged my head into icy water and towel dried my hair into what I hoped was a tousled yet somehow strangely attractive style. (That is what
I hoped.) Quick bit of lippy and mascara. I didn't want to be in the tarts' wardrobe too long in case Dave the Laugh decided to go. I expect he has come round to apologize for his awful behavior
vis-à-vis
the
rummachen
incident.

back in the kitchen
two minutes later

I said to Dave, who was now having his hair plaited by Libby, “I suppose you have come to apologize for the
rummachen
fiasco.”

And he said,
“Nein.”

Which made me laugh. He started to say, “Look, Georgia, I wanted to say that—”

At which point Mum came mumming in. Talking wubbish.

She was adjusting her basoomas and flicking her hair. Surely she doesn't think that Dave fancies the “more mature” lady??

She said, “Dave, do you want to stay for tea? It's cool if you want to hang out for a bit.”

“It's cool if you want to hang out for a bit?” What is she talking like a complete fool for? Oh hang on, I think I know the answer to that one.

Dave said, “No, I'm afraid I'm away laughing
on a fast camel. People to see, old people to rob, that sort of thing.” And he got up to go.

Libby clung to his neck as he got up, like a toddler limpet. Just hanging around his neck. He started walking off as if he hadn't noticed he had a toddler necklace and Libby was laughing and laughing. She said, “I lobe my Daveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Blimey, she's joined the Dave the Laugh fan club as well. I walked him to the gate, trying to get Libby to let go.

As I was pulling her off, Masimo turned up on his scooter. He took his helmet off and sat on the seat. Looking at us. Maybe he was mesmerized by my head. It still felt vair hot. I tried to do a bit of flicky hair but it was mostly sticking to my head.

Dave said, “
Ciao
, Masimo.”

And Masimo said, “
Ciao
, mate.”

But I am not entirely sure he meant the “mate” bit.

Dave scarpered off quite quickly. Libby started burrowing through Mr. Next Door's hedge. She likes to go and sit in the kennel with the Prat poodles and Gordy. But I can't worry about that sort of thing now.

Masimo looked a bit upset and he said, “Why did you not for me wait?”

I babbled on. “Well, Wet Lindsay said I had to do extra hockey, so I had to run like a loon on loon tablets round and round, like a hamster with trackie bums on, and then I was locked out, and I saw you driving off with her on the back.”

Masimo said, “Aaaah. She said you had gone home and could I give her a lift.”

Unbelievable!!! What a prize tart she was.

Masimo was smiling a bit now. He really was gorgey porgey. He said, “And Dave, he came here, for, you to have another fight?”

I laughed. “No, he came to bring some kitty treats for Angus but Libby ate them.”

Masimo held out his arms. “Come here, Miss.”

I went over to him and he said, “You are very, erm, slippery.”

Actually he was right. If he squeezed me too hard I might shoot out of his hands like a wet bar of soap.

Then he kissed me. Which was fab and marvy and also No. 4, with a touch of virtual No. 5. And that is when Dad came “roaring” up in his loon-mobile.

I stopped kissing Masimo and leapt away from him like he had the Black Death. I said to the Luurve God, “Quickly, save yourself, my father is here. You must go now whilst you can, otherwise he may show you his leather trousers.”

But it was too late. Vati had got out of his “car” and was bearding toward us.

Oh how embarrassing. He's going to say something, I know he is, even though I have told him he must never address me in front of people.

He said, “Evening all. It's Masimo, isn't it? Are you coming in?”

Oh nooooooo.

I said, “No, Masimo has to go, he is rehearsing.”

Masimo looked at me, and I opened my eyes really wide and said, “Aren't you?”

He got it and said, “Ah, yes,
ciao
, Mr. Nicolson.
Grazie
, but I must have now to go. The Stiff Dylans are playing this weekend.”

Dad said, “Oh well, maybe I will pop by to hear some tunes, come along and show you a few of my moves on the dance floor.”

Has he snapped?

Masimo revved up his scooter, leaned over,
and kissed me and said, “I will see you Saturday. I am, how you say, missing you already!”

I tried to walk off in a dignity at all times sort of way, but as we got to the house Dad yelled to Mum, “Georgia has been snogging an Italian stallion.”

How disgusting.

I feel dirty and besmirched.

And also
Kackmist
.

in bed

I wonder what Dave the Laugh was going to say to me? He does make me laugh, it was vair amusing him sitting there having his hair plaited by Libby.

Anyway, I will ask him what he was going to say when I see him at the gig.

one minute later

If I get the chance. I expect he will be with his girlfriend.

Which is good.

And fine.

two minutes later

I know that Emma is nice and everything, but she did have a ludicrous spazattack when Angus accidentally spat at her. Which is a bit weedy.

Anyway, I have vair many other important things to worry about. If Dave the Laugh wants to go out with a weed, that is his right.

But the burning question is this: What in the name of Richard the Lionheart's codpiece am I going to wear for the gig?

five minutes later

All the girls will be looking at me because a) I am officially going out with a Luuurve God and b) I am a multitalented backing dancer and jolly good egg.

saturday september 17th

8:30 a.m.

Preparations begin to become the girlfriend of a Luuurve god.

And possibly backing dancer.

So first on my list is cleanse and tone.

Done.

Face mask.

Done.

Cucumber eye patches.

Done.

Plucking.

Yessiree Bob.

Puckering exercises.

Done.

lunch

Two jam sandwiches for max energy and nutrition. Ellen was eating fruit gums in maths on Friday and Hawkeye asked her why and Ellen said, “It is my breakfast.”

And Hawkeye nearly had a complete ditherspaz and f.t. combined. She said, “Where is the nutrition in that?”

And Ellen said, “Well because, of the, you know, erm, fruit or something.”

3:00 p.m.

Charming conversation practice.

Done.

(Note to loon brain headquarters, do not mention hilarious pants jokes, frontal
knutschen
, glove animal or horns.)

6:00 p.m.

I think I look quite fab and groovy. That is what I think. Hair bouncing round, nungas more or less under control. And I've got new special lash enhancing mascara on so my lashes are about two feet long. Of course I will never ever be able to get it off again but in the meantime I have max boy entranceability.

6:30 p.m.

If I can't get the mascara off by Monday, it will give Wet Lindsay an excuse to attack me with a blowtorch or put me on gardening duty with Elvis for
the rest of my life.

She's bound to be there tonight. Poncing around like a ninny.

If I get a chance to warn Robbie about her, I will. I must be cunning and full of subtlenosity.

Clearly I would rather just rip her stupid octopussy head off to save time. But there is bound to be some busybody goodie-goodie who would complain to the Humane Society about it.

leaving home
7:15 p.m.

Dad and Uncle Eddie were tinkering with the Robinmobile as I went off. They are both wearing T-shirts with a picture of Uncle Eddie in his baldy-o-gram costume on the front of them.

And underneath the picture it says, “He dares to baldly go, where no other man has baldly gone before.”

Good grief.

at the honey club
8:30 p.m.

Quick check in the tarts' wardrobe.

Looking in the mirror.

Hmmmm. Hellloooooo, Sex Kitty. Grrrrrr. A quick splosh of my perfume from Italy that my Italian boyfriend brought me from Italy, which is to the right on the map from Merrie Olde England. Possibly. And then my public is ready for me.

out in the club by the bar

Sven and Rosie have excelled themselves. Their theme tonight is “fur, fur with just a hint of fur.” Did you know you could get matching fake fur jumpsuits? In purple? Well, you do now.

I am a bit nervy actually. This is like my first official outing as the official girlfriend of a Luuurve God. Still, I have my ace mates to keep me company.

ten minutes later

Blimey, I am goosegog girl because all the rest of the gang are with their “boyfriends.” Even Ellen. Although she might be the last to know—or something.

Rom and Jul (otherwise known as Jas 'n' Tom) are all over each other like a rash. It is quite sweet really. If you like that sort of thing.

No sign of Dave the Laugh and his girlfriend. Which is cool. They have probably gone out some
where different. How should I know?

They might be round at Emma's.

You know.

Messing about and so on.

I seem to want to go to the piddly diddly department again.

in the tarts' wardrobe

Oh marvelous, Wet Lindsay and Astonishingly Dim Monica are in front of the mirrors. I don't know why they are bothering, Lindsay would need a head transplant to make her look less like octopussy girl.

One thing for sure I am not going into a cubicle and doing a piddly diddly whilst they are looking at me.

back in the club

I said to Rosie, when she was on a snog break, “I wonder where Masimo is?”

And she said, “Why don't you go backstage in your capacity as girlfriend and say to him, ‘I just came to say “Break a leg,”' or whatever you say to rock stars? Maybe it's ‘Break a string' or ‘Break your trousers.' I don't know, but just go say it.”

And then I saw the Stiff Dylans come in with
their guitars. They must be due on soon. As soon as they appeared they were surrounded by girls. Or “tarts,” as some people might call them.

two minutes later

The Stiff Dylans were signing autographs. Honestly! Actually signing autographs. I could see the Luuurve God. He was there signing as well. And smiling and chatting to the girls. I wonder if I should go out and get my coat and then come back in again like I had just arrived? I could sneak out and…Then he looked up and saw me. He waved and started coming over.

Hurrah!

Blimey. He has an amazingly cool suit on. I bet it is from Pizza-a-gogo land. When he reached me he put his arms around me and kissed me. Everyone was looking. I felt a bit red actually, I hadn't done much public snogging. He didn't even seem to notice the crowd around us, he was just looking in my eyes and he said, “
Ciao
,
cara
, I will see you at the break and then after the gig, we go maybe to somewhere we can be together?”

Blimey O'Reilly's trousers, it's a bit early to get swoony knickers but I have got them on.

one hour later

The whole place is rocking. The Stiff Dylans have played a cracking set and Robbie has just gone onstage to join them. He is doing sharesies vocals with Masimo on “Don't wake me up before you go. Just go.” I wonder if Robbie wrote that for Octopussy girl? I would. She is standing looking at him right at the front of the stage.

I said to Jas, “How uncool is that?”

She was too busy smooching with Hunky to bother to reply. Lindsay has given me the evils since I got here but I am not at school now, and also I am with my mates. And also I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God.

Which is a bit weird actually. Loads of girls that I don't even know have been coming up to me and saying, “Oooh, isn't he gorgey, what is it like going out with him?”

“What kind of music does he like?”

“What is his birth sign?”

Etc.

What am I? His press secretary?

I didn't mention to them that I am in fact a backing dancer.

half an hour later

This is more like it.

The ace gang rides again. We are doing a shortened version of the Viking hornpipe to “Ultraviolet” by the Dylans. We haven't got any props so we are having to improvise the paddles and so on. It is a hoot and a half.

I waved my (pretend) paddle at Masimo but he didn't wave back. I suppose it's a bit difficult when you are playing a guitar. He looked at me, though. I like to think in an admiring way.

two minutes later

Another fast one by the Dylans. Everyone is going mental.

And Dave the Laugh is here!! I only saw him when he came up to me and said, “Let's twist!!”

And he started doing this mad fast twisting thing. Going down to the floor and then up again. Quite sensationally insane but funny. He was yelling at me, “Come on, kittykat. Get down!!!”

I said, “Not in a million years. Get your girlfriend to make
le idiot
of herself.”

He shouted, “She's not here. You can be substitute idiot!! Come on, you know you want to!!!”

Sven and Rosie and the whole gang joined in. So in the end so did I.

It was the best fun!!!

ten minutes later

I am hotter than a hot person on hot tablets. And that is hot, believe me.

The Dylans are just going off for a break and Dave the Laugh has gone to get us some drinks.

two minutes later

I was so full of exhaustiosity that I sat on Roro's knee. She was sitting on Sven's knee so it was like a knee sandwich. I said to her, “You have a vair comfy knee, little matey.”

And she said, “Are you on the turn?”

I was just about to hit her when Masimo came up to me. He said, “Georgia, come outside with me.”

Rosie said, “Oo-er.”

And then just at that moment Dave came back with the drinks.

Dave handed me the drink and went, “Yeah, groove on! Nice set, mate.”

Masimo smiled but not a lot, and then he said,
“You are enjoying dancing with my girlfriend…mate?”

Dave said, “Oh blimey, this is not fisticuffs at dawn is it?”

Masimo looked a bit puzzled. He said, “What is this fisticuffs?”

And Dave put his drink down on the table and started prancing around doing his impression of Mohammed Ali crossed with a fool.

He was yelling, “I am sooo pretty, I float like a butterfly. Duff duff. Put 'em up, put 'em up.”

He is, it has to be said, bonkers.

I was laughing. We were all laughing except Masimo. He said to Dave, “Oh, I see, ok, we can do it this way. I will see you outside. Mate.”

Dave said, “I'm afraid I am not a homosexualist.”

But Masimo handed his jacket to me and started walking toward the door. Surely he was joking.

Dave looked at me. And shrugged. And then he went outside as well. Blimey.

Jas said to me, “I told you that your big red bottom would get you in trouble and now…you see.”

What what???

I'd just been doing the twist, Masimo didn't even know about the accidental nearly No. 5 in the woods scenario. I followed them both as they went out of the doors.

In fact most of the people in the club followed us outside.

outside

Masimo said to Dave, “OK, now we sort this out, man to man.”

Were they actually going to fight over me?

I should have liked it. But.

Rosie said to me, “This is just like
Rom and Jul
, isn't it? If they were wearing tights. Should we lend them some?”

I said, “Look, look, lads, this is silly. Why don't you just—”

Masimo was still looking at Dave and he put up both hands like they do in movies and started circling, Dave saying, “Come on.”

Jas said, “Georgia, say something, do something normal and sensible for once.”

Yes, yes, that is what I must do, display maturiosity.

I stepped into the middle of them both and
yelled, “STOP!!! STOP…IN THE NAME…OF PANTS!!!!!”

Masimo just looked at me. But Dave the Laugh started falling about laughing.

And Rosie started singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS! With PANTS I have worn for a thousand years!” And then the ace gang joined in.

Everyone was drifting off now that there was no chance of a fisticuffs extravaganza.

Dave was laughing and turned to Masimo and held out his hand and said, “It's just a little joke, mate, nothing to get your handbag out for.”

Then Dave said, “Night night, Gee.” And went off.

I smiled at Masimo but he didn't smile back. He looked at me and he looked really sad.

Donner
und
blitzen.

And also
pipi
.

And
krappe
.

I started to go over to him and he turned away from me and walked off into the night.

two minutes later

My Luuurve God has got the hump.

In fact he has just quite literally had the full humpty dumpty.

But maybe it was just an overnight hump and in the morning all will be well again.

I wouldn't mind, but I've only been the girlfriend of a Luuurve God for about a month. And I haven't seen him for most of that time.

Has he really dumped me?

one minute later

Just because I did the twist with Dave the Laugh.

And had a German fight with him.

And accidentally snogged him in the Forest of Red Bottomosity.

Which the Luuurve God doesn't know about anyway.

two minutes later

Oh marvelous, I am once more on the rack of love with no cakes.

All aloney on my owney.

Again.

PANTS.