Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 08 (15 page)

Everyone looked at each other and tried not to laugh.

Miss Wilson was still burbling on, “Did you have an exciting day, Herr Kamyer?”

And Herr Kamyer looked at her and said, “Yeah, it was ver exciting.”

Oh my giddy god, please don't tell me Herr Kamyer has the Horn for Miss Wilson.

Life is too weird for me and I've only been on the planet for a bit.

back in our tent

It was very crowded in the tent. I took off my dressing gown and Jas, Ellen and Mabs had a go on the emergency makeup supplies. When they were suf
ficiently tarted up, we started our burrowing tactics. It was dark by now and we had to switch off our lights so that you couldn't see us burrowing. Actually when I say burrowing what I mean is pulling up the canvas so that we could scamper under it out into freedom!!!

We crept along the back of the campsite, keeping to the treeline.

in the boys' tent

They have got a big green one (oo-er). It was quite groovy in it, even though it was a tent. When we put our heads through the flap, the boys cheered and offered us some pizza they had got from the village. Yum yum. Sven immediately almost ate Rosie and then sat on her knee. Dec snuggled up to Ellen who went bright red (even in the dark) and Edward said hello to Mabs. She was pleased because her blind date was a) not blind and b) very fit looking. Tom and Jas went off to the river because Jas said, “Tom, come and see the badger hide, it's amazing.”

I laughed ironically, but she just looked at me and went off with Hunky.

Dave patted the ground next to him.

“Come and sit down, kittykat, you must be exhausted from all the fun you have been having.”

half an hour later

What a hoot and a half. Dave does make me laugh. I'd forgotten how groovy he can be. Ellen and Dec and Mabs and Edward seemed to be grooving along together. Quite nice to see Ellen not watching Dave like a Seeing Eye dog.

Dave played some music and we had a mini disco inferno in the tent.

It was hysterically funny, actually. We had to dance really close to each other and sort of do it half bending over. If you see what I mean.

twenty minutes later

Naturally Sven made the tent collapse with a reckless diving tackle on Dave at a fast bit. I could hardly stand for laughing.

The lads put the tent up again and I was resting with Dave by some bushes.

Dave said to me, “Do you fancy a quick swim in the nuddy-pants?”

I said, “You're mad.”

He looked at me. “You're mad.”

“No, you're mad.”

Then he just pushed me over into a bush.

I said as I got up, “You can't do that, that is assault and battery.”

He said, “No, wrong, kittykat, this is assault and battery.”

And he pushed me into the bush again!!!

Then he said, “I'll count to ten and then I am coming to get you.”

“Dave, I'm not going anywhere.”

He said, “I would if I were you, anyway if you don't go anywhere how can I come and get you?”

I don't know why but it seemed to make sense, so I started jogging off. What was I doing? As usual, I would be the last to know. I bet I could outrun Dave anyway.

five minutes later

Wrong.

He caught up with me at the river. I stuck my feet in it I was so hot. Dave came and sat down next to me and put his feet in as well. It was a beautiful dark night, and the air was soft and warm. I felt really happy and relaxed.

I know I shouldn't have, but you know when you
shouldn't say anything but you still say it? Well I had that. I said, “How, erm, how is your girlfriend situation-type fandango going?”

He looked at me and half-smiled. “How is your maybe two boyfriends fandango going, missy?”

I didn't know what to say. Then I blurted out, “Well, Robbie said he liked me, but then I told him I liked Masimo, but Masimo wants me to go to Pizza-a-gogo land, and really it should be groovy and so on, but I don't really know.”

Dave said, “You don't know what, kittykat?”

Oh I wish I could just put my head on his shoulder. I always want to tell him everything. But instead I said, “What's your advice, Hornmeister?”

And he started doing pretend beard stroking and said, “Well, luuurve is a many trousered thing….”

What in the name of arse does that mean? I repeated, “Luuurve is a many trousered thing? That is your idea of advice?”

Dave said, “Well, put it another way, maybe you like more than one pair of trousers. Maybe you like Masimo and maybe someone else…”

What exactly were we talking about now?

He went on, “Yes, for instance, I like Emma, but I like someone else, possibly better.”

I couldn't help myself, even though I knew this was dangerous red-bottom territory. I said, “Who else might you like?”

After a pause he said, “The queen,” and stood up.

I was looking up at him. I said, “You like the queen? The other person you like maybe more is the queen? The queen who's just celebrated her eightieth birthday? The queen? The one who's had her hips replaced?”

He said, “That was her mother, actually. Please don't be rude about my girlfriend.”

I stood up, but I couldn't quite see in the dark and I put my foot down some bloody badger hole or a twig trap that Miss Wilson had made or something and I fell backward. Into the edge of the river.

Dave was laughing, but he came to help me up out of the riverbank. “Oh you are good value, Georgia. You are very nearly an honorary bloke. And that is why I love you.”

Did he—did he just say what I thought he'd said? He reached down and put his arms round my waist to lift me up. I hope he didn't feel my wet
knickers and think I'd had an elderly loon moment.

He said, “Have you wet yourself, Gee? Your knickers are soaking.”

I said, “No, but I think they're full of tadpoles, and actually my bum-oley really hurts.”

As he pulled me up the bank, I said, “I think I may have broken my bottom.”

He looked at my face and he was really smiling. Then he said, “Are we never to be free, kittykat?”

And I looked at him and he said, “Oh bugger it, it has to be done.”

And he snogged me.

Oh no. I've just unexpectedly paid a visit to the cakeshop of love. I haven't put back my Italian cakey, but I've accidentally picked up a Dave the Tart.

• ½. sticky eyes (Be careful using this. I've still got some complete twit following me around like a seeing-eye dog.)
  
• 1. holding hands
  
• 2. arm around
  
• 3. goodnight kiss
  
• 4. kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath (What you need for this is a sad mate who's got a watch but no boyfriend.)
  
• 4
  ¹
  /2. hand snogging (I really don't want to go into this. Ask Jas.)
  
• 5. open mouth kissing
  
• 6. tongues
  
• 6½. ear snogging
  
• 6¾. neck nuzzling
  
• 7. upper body fondling—outdoors
  
• 8. upper body fondling—indoors (in bed)
  
• Virtual number 8. When your upper body is not
  actually being fondled in reality, but you
  know that it is in your snoggee's head.
  
• 9. below waist activity (or bwa) (Apparently this can include flashing your pants. Don't blame me. Ask Jools.)
  
• 10. the full monty (Jas and I were in the room when Dad was watching the news and the newscaster said, “Tonight the Prime Minister has reached Number 10.” And Jas and I had a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.)
  

airing cupboard
• It's a cupboard full of air, you fools. If you haven't got enough air, you go into the airing cupboard in your house. Not really! It's a cupboard by the hot water boiler and you put towels and sheets in and they get all warm and snuggly buggly (don't start saying you don't know what snuggly buggly means).

 

arvie
• Afternoon. From the Latin “arvo.” Possibly. As in the famous Latin invitation: “Lettus meetus this arvo.”

 

Black Death
• Ah well…this is historiosity at its best. In Merrie England, everyone was having a fab time, dancing about with bells on (also known as Maurice dancing), then some ships arrived in London, full of new stuff—tobacco, sugar, chocolate, etc., yum yum. However, as in all tales in history, it ended badly, because also lurking about on the ships were rats from Europe—not human ones. And they had fleas on them that carried the plague. The fleas bit the people of Merrie England, and they got covered in pustulating boils and died. A LOT. As I have said many many times, history is crap.

 

Blimey O'Reilly
• (as in “Blimey O'Reilly's trousers”)
This is an Irish expression of disbelief and shock. Maybe Blimey O'Reilly was a famous Irish bloke who had extravagantly big trousers. We may never know the truth. The fact is, whoever he is, what you need to know is that a) it's Irish and b) it is Irish. I rest my case.

 

blodge
• Biology. Like geoggers—geography—or Froggie—French.

 

bloke
• You must know what a bloke is…it is a person of the masculine gender. Hence the expression “my bloke”—as in “I am dumping my bloke because he is too thick.”

 

boboland
• As I have explained many, many times English is a lovely and exciting language full of sophisticosity. To go to sleep is “to go to bobos,” so if you go to bed you are going to boboland. It is an Elizabethan expression (oh, OK then, Libby made it up and she can be unreasonably violent if you don't join in with her).

 

bugger
• A swear word. It doesn't really mean anything but neither do a lot of swear words. Or parents.

 

bum-oley
• Quite literally bottom hole. I'm sorry but you did ask. Say it proudly (with a cheery smile and a Spanish accent).

 

bunged
• Shoved. Put firmly in place. For example, “Jas was going on and on about voles, so I bunged a Jammy Dodger in her gob.”

 

chav
• A chav is a common, rude, rough person. They
wear naff clothes. A chav joke would be, “What are the first words a chav baby says to its single parent?” Answer: “What are YOU looking at??” Or: “If there are two chavs in a car and no loud music playing, what kind of a car is it?” Answer: “A police car.”

 

chuddie
• Chewing gum. This is an “i” word thing. We have a lot of them in English due to our very busy lives, explaining stuff to other people not so fortunate as ourselves.

 

Cliff Richard's Y-Fronts
• Y-fronts are boys' knickers, but they are not worn by any boy you would want to know. Cliff Richard is a living legend (who is now a Lord—or is it a Lady?).

 

clown car
• Officially called a Reliant Robin three-wheeler, but clearly a car built for clowns, built by some absolute loser called Robin. The Reliant bit comes from being able to rely on Robin being a prat. I wouldn't be surprised if Robin also invented nostril hair cutters.

 

conk
• Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)—even before my grandad was born—a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don't like the French much. Anyway, William had a big nose and so to get our own back we call him William the Big Conkerer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.

 

div
• Short for “dithering prat,” i.e., Jas.

 

DIY
• Quite literally “Do It Yourself!” Rude when you think it about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to do DIY. Always with disastrous results. (For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.)

 

double cool with knobs
• “Double” and “with knobs” are instead of saying very or very, very, very, very. You'd feel silly saying, “He was very, very, very, very, very cool.” Also everyone would have fallen asleep before you had finished your sentence. So “double cool with knobs” is altogether snappier.

 

duffing up
• Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.

 

dustbins
• Things to put your rubbish in. Or probably as you say in America land, refuse. Or is it garbage? Or junk? In England it is dustbin because we have a lot of dust (possibly).

 

Emily Plankton
• Hang on, now that you mention it, I may be getting muddled up between the famous suffragette Emily Whatsit and stuff that fish eat. Was it Emily Pancake then? No, wait a minute, Pankhurst—Emily Pankhurst. What is this anyway,
some kind of general knowledge quiz?

 

fag
• Cigarette.

 

fandango
• A fandango is a complicated Spanish dance. So a fandango is a complicated thing. Yes, I know there is no dancing involved. Or Spanish.

 

footie
• Soccer.

 

form
• A form is what we call class at English secondary schools. It is probably a Latin expression. Probably from the Latin “formus ignoramus.”

 

fringe
• Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it's not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.

 

Froggie and geoggers
• Froggie is short for French, geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).

 

full-frontal snogging
• Kissing with all the trimmings, lip to lip, open mouth, tongues…everything. (Apart from dribble, which is never acceptable.)

 

f.t.
• I refer you to the famous “losing it” scale.

1. minor tizz
   
2. complete tizz and to-do
   
3. strop
   
4. a visit to Stop Central
   
5. F.T. (Funny turn)
   
6. spazattack
   
7. complete ditherspaz
   
8. nervy b. (nervous breakdown)
   
9. complete nervy b.
   
10. ballisiticisimus
    

gadzooks
• An expression of surprise. Like for instance, “Cor, love a duck!” Which doesn't mean you love ducks or want to marry one. For the swotty knickers amongst you, “gad” probably meant “God” in olde English, and “zooks” of course means…Oh, look, just leave me alone, OK? I'm so vair tired.

 

games
• Sports.

 

get off with
• A romantic term. It means to use your womanly charms to entice a boy into a web of love. Oh OK then—snogging.

 

gob
• Gob is an attractive term for someone's mouth. For example, if you saw Mark (from up the road who has the biggest mouth known to womankind) you could yell politely, “Good Lord, Mark, don't open your gob, otherwise people may think you are a basking whale in trousers and throw a mackerel at you” or something else full hilariosity.

 

goosegog
• Gooseberry. I know you are looking all quizzical now. OK. If there are two people and they
want to snog and you keep hanging about saying “Do you fancy some chewing gum?” or “Have you seen my interesting new socks?” you are a gooseberry. Or for short a goosegog, i.e., someone who nobody wants around.

 

gorgey
• Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvelous).

 

havvies
• Haversacks. Life is too shor to fini wor.

 

horn
• When you “have the horn” it's the same as “having the big red bottom.”

 

Jammy Dodger
• Biscuit with jam in it. Very nutritious(ish).

 

jimjams
• Pajamas. Also pygmies or jammies.

 

jumper
• Pullover. Hey, do you think it is called a jumper because it is made from wool, and sheep jump about? No, neither do I.

 

Kiwi-a-gogo land
• New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land, Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs'-legs-a-gogo land. This is from that very famous joke told every Christmas by the elderly mad (Grandad). Oh very well, I'll tell you it.

A man goes into a French restaurant and says to the French waiter, “Have you got frogs' legs?”

The waiters says, “Oui, monsieur.”

And the man says, “Well, hop off and get me a sandwich then.”

This should give you some idea of what our Christmases are like.

 

knickers
• Panties, briefs, things you wear to conceal girlie parts. Boys don't wear knickers; they wear underpants or boxer shorts. Some of them wear underpants that have a Union Jack or a funny joke on them. So Jas says, but she is, as we are all too aware, mad.

 

lippy
• Oh come on, you know what it is! Lipstick!! Honestly, what are you lot like!

 

loo
• Lavatory. In America they say “rest room,” which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.

 

Lord Baden-Powell
• You don't know who Lord Baden-Powell is? Blimey you are, it has to be said, v. v. dense. Lord B-P invented Scouts and camping, and knots and going into the country for no reason. Ergo, Lord B-P was clearly mad as a hen.

P.S. Not content with the camping fiasco, he also invented enormous shorts, which he wore proudly.

 

lurgy
• Is when you feel icky-poo. Please tell me that you know what icky-poo means. Oh good Lord. It means “poorly.” Lurgy is like a bug. An illness bug, Ergo, tummy lurgy = stomach bug.

 

midget gem
• Little sweets made out of hard jelly stuff in different flavors. Jas loves them A LOT. She
secretes them about her person, I suspect, often in her panties, so I never like to accept one from her on hygiene and lesbian grounds.

 

milky pops
• A soothing hot milk drink, when you are a little person. (No, not an elf, I mean a child.) Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, when you are a child, people give words endings to make them more cozy. Chocolate is therefore choccy woccy doo dah. Blanket is blankin'. Tooth is tushy peg. Easy is easy peasey lemon squeasey. If grown-ups ever talk like this, do not hesitate to kill them.

 

naff
• Unbearably and embarrassingly out of fashion and nerdy. Naff things are: Parents dancing to “modern” music, blue eyeshadow, blokes who wear socks with sandals, pigtails. You know what I mean.

 

nervy spaz
• Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an f.t. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.

 

nippy noodles
• Instead of saying “Good heavens, it's quite cold this morning,” you say “Cor—nippy noodles!!” English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.

 

nuddy-pants
• Quite literally nude-colored pants, and you know what nude-colored pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.

 

nunga-nungas
• Basoomas. Girls' breasty business.
Ellen's brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold a girl's breast and pull it out and then let it go—it goes nunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

 

Pantalitzer
• A terrifying Czech-made doll that sadistic parents (my vati) buy for their children, presumably to teach them early on about the horror of life. Essentially the Pantalitzer doll has a weird plastic face with a horrible fixed smile. The rest of Pantalitzer is a sort of cloth bag with hard plastic hands on each side like steel forks.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not reassured that Eastern Europeans really know how to have a laugh.

 

Pizza-a-gogo land
• Masimoland. Land of wine, sun, olives and vair vair groovy Luuurve Gods. Italy. (The only bad point about Pizza-a-gogo land is their football players are so vain that if it rains, they all run off the pitch so that their hair doesn't get ruined. See also Chelsea players.)

 

plight my troth
• Give your word luuurve-wise. Another way of saying you are my one and only one. So if you are “untrothed” you can display red bottomosity ad hoc and willy nilly.