Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 06 (16 page)

If we are going to dinner I'd better plan what I am having in advance, because I don't want the attractive dribbly tomato sauce effect on my snogging arena (mouth).

wednesday june 8th
stalag 14

Feet miraculously better. I am down to light bandages now!!

But even if I had no feet I would be walking on air…. hahahahahaha that is quite a good joke.

I said that to Jas.

“It's a good joke, isn't it, Jazzy Spazzy?”

She said, “What is?”

in the corridor
10:00 a.m.

Saw Wet Lindsay hahahaha. She glared at me and told me to hurry up to class. Hurry up yourself, Old Dumpee Thong.

five's court

Emergency tactical meeting.

Rosie said, “‘Be prepared' is always my motto.”

Ellen said, “I didn't know you were a Girl Guide.”

Rosie said, “Didn't you? Oh yes, Sven and I are keen Girl Guides, dib dib dib and so forth.”

The whole thing would have disintegrated into madnosity, so I quickly said, “So what do you think I should do? How shall I handle it? Do you think he is really going to take me out to dinner?”

After much consultation and nodding the gang have decided that we should have a mock date to prepare me for my date.

We are all going to meet round Ro Ro's place on Saturday when her parents are at the cricket. We are going to practice for my hot date. There will be snacks. But no Sven. I had to beg and plead with Rosie.

She said, “He would be vair vair useful, he could give us the boy point of view.”

I said, “Couldn't he give you the boy point of view and then you pass it on to me? Or will you just snog all day in front of us? Also he is bound to smash something to smithereens.”

Rosie has reluctantly agreed to ban him.

at home
6:00 p.m.

I am dying to tell Dave the Laugh.

Phoned him when the olds went out to a parents' evening for Libby at the local school. Surely no school is going to take her on. She has been forbidden to sing the “Bum Arse Song” and is not allowed to take Gordy. I still think it was a mistake to let her wear her leopard outfit because a) it is for a child half her size and b) she becomes a leopard in it. But you can't tell people.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Dave the Laugh.

I called him. I hope my best friend Rachel is not there.

Dave answered.

“Hello, sensation seeker.”

“Dave, it's me. Something vair vair great and
bonne
has happened. I am going on a date with Masimo; he came round on his scooter and asked my dad if he could take me to dinner. He asked my dad if he could take me to dinner!!!”

Dave said, “What an amazing bunch of crawlers the Italians are.”

“Dave!!! Don't you get it? He has asked me out! I am going out with him!”

Dave said, “Well, I'm glad for you, Sex Kitty, but remember what I said. He may be playing the field. He may just be blowing his Cosmic Horn.”

He sounded a bit funny.

“You sound a bit funny, Dave, are you alright?”

Dave said, “Well, not really, I had to finish with Rachel.”

Finish with Rachel? I said, “Why? I mean, she's so…Well, she is so, you know…Isn't she?”

Blimey, I have turned into Ellen.

Dave said, “It just wasn't right. But anyway, she is very upset, she's just gone actually, she came round and cried and I feel pretty bad.”

I said, “Oh, I'm sorry.”

But actually I am not sorry at all. After I had rung off I told Jas that, because she was my next phone call. It's not often I get a telephone window of opportunity in my house, so I am packing all my calls in.

Jas said, “Why are you bothered who Dave goes out with? He is not in your harem or anything. And another thing: Rachel was nice, not like you.”

God, she can be annoying. I wish I hadn't called her now, especially as she did that “Guess how many minutes it is until Tom gets home?” thing again.

saturday june 11th
2:00 p.m.

All the gang gathered at Rosie's for my practice date.

Rosie said she would be Masimo and the rest of them would watch and be judges.

2:10 p.m.

Rosie went off to her bedroom. She said, “I am going to be Masimo, so I have to get in the mood for luuurve.”

She came back five minutes later wearing a false beard with a banana down her jeans.

I said, “Why have you got a banana down your jeans?”

Rosie said, “It was Sven's suggestion. He said it is representative of the pant python.”

Ellen said, “I, er…do you mean like a boy's, er, well…”

Rosie said, “Exactomondo, my little pally.”

Jas said to me, “OK, let's get on, because I have to get home earlyish. It's only ninety-nine hours till Tom gets home and I must prepare myself. What will you do when you first see him?”

She pointed to Rosie, who was walking in a very peculiar way and waggling her beard.

“There he is tall, tanned, Italian, sophisticated. So what do you do?”

I said, “Er, leap on him and snog him within an inch of his life? Taking care not to strangle myself on his false beard, or disturb his banana.”

Jools said, “What does it say in the
How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You
book?”

Mabs was officially in charge of the book, so she looked up “first impressions.”

3:00 p.m.

I have to hip wiggle up to him. Look at him, look away, fiddle with my hair and do a bit of flicking. If I have any spare time I need to lick my lips a bit.

Mabs said, “The book says you should say something light and interesting to start the conversation. Also if he says anything funny you have to laugh like the proverbial drain.”

I did hip wiggle, flicky, licky over to Rosie.
Whilst the rest of them sat looking and chewing. Rosie said (in what she imagines is an Italian accent but actually sounds like a fool), “
Ciao
.”

I said, “
Ciao
. Er,
prego
.”

“Ciao.”

All the gang were ogling me.

I said, “Masimo, did you know that the Spartans…you know, in the old days of Sparta, which is quite nearish to Italy…”

Rosie had pretended to fall asleep. She said, “Get on with it.”

I said, “Well, they used to keep teenage boys half-starved so that they had to go out and steal food, and if they got caught they would beat them to within an inch of their lives.”

They all just looked at me.

Mabs said, “Do you call that light and interesting?”

I do, actually. That is the deep sadnosity of my life; I find it vair difficult to be as superficial as others.

Jools said, “Think of something that he is interested in, think of something to do with Rome or something.”

I tried again.

“Did you know that the Pope has people who watch him poo to make sure he is a bloke and not a woman, because of Pope Joan?”

Rosie said, “You are not, as such, getting the hang of this, are you?”

an hour later

I am allowed to mention music, the weather or something to do with him.

I said, “Yeah, but all I know about him is that I fancy the arse off him.”

5:00 p.m.

After four packets of reviving Pringles we have managed to decide on:

“
Ciao
, great to see you.”

And:

“What a fine evening.”

Providing there is not a torrential downpour, which would make me a fool.

Now on to the meal.

Essentially I have to pretend to eat a lot but not really eat anything in case I choke to death.

Jas said, “You could have a nourishing soup but don't do that slurping thing that you do.”

I said, “What slurping thing?”

Jas said, “Oh, I can't go in to it now, I have to be off. I am just saying don't do it.”

And she went off.

How annoying is she?

6:00 p.m.

I have to listen to him a LOT.

Jools said, “And when you laugh, don't do your ad hoc laughing and let your nose spread all over your face.”

6:30 p.m.

Then we got on to the snogging bit.

I said, “Do you think Italians snog the same as English boys?”

Rosie said, “I don't know if they do anything different with their tongues or what their ear work is like. You will have to give us a complete and full report. What number will you let him go up to on the first date?”

“I thought No. Six—a kiss lasting over three minutes without a break suggests deep sensuality without going that little bit too far into acting like a tart.”

Then Rosie said, “Finally, as you haven't had any snogging practice for a while, try an experimental snog on the back of my leg.”

What???

Absolutely not, not a snowball's chance in hell.

No and three times NO.

6:45 p.m.

On my knees snogging the back of Rosie's leg whilst the ace gang watch me.

Why am I doing this?

Rosie was shouting instructions.

“Yes, yes, that's good. Good. And breathe. Too much teeth!! Too much teeth!!! A bit more sucky. Flicky tongue and…finish.”

Good grief.

Have you ever snogged the back of someone's leg? Someone who is one of your mates and is wearing a false beard? Well, I hope you never have to—that is all I am saying.

7:00 p.m.

I said as I was leaving: “Do you think I should ask him what his intentions are
vis-à-vis
Old Thongy?”

Mabs said, “I think you should act as if she doesn't exist and just find a way to subtly undermine her.”

Hmmm. Good advice.

We are indeedy the Wise Women of the Forest of Snog.

monday june 13th
english
2:00 p.m.

I have never laughed so much in my entire life. Today we had our first full rehearsal of
MacUseless
.

And what is even more vair vair amusing is that the Foxwood boys came to the rehearsal and Dave the Laugh was one of them.

The whole production is bound for the history books of life. Dave and the lads were bused in to the school and it was absolute pandemonium. Every girl in the school got up from their desk and started waving and screeching out the windows as the lads trooped across the playground. Hawkeye and her special stormtroopers threatened us with embalming, beheading, etc., but no one paid any attention.

Those of us in the play went down to the main hall for our usual tongue lashing from the enormous bee woman (Slim).

The boys were all together at the back when we came in. As I passed by her, Hawkeye said, “Georgia Nicolson, are you wearing mascara?”

I said, “It's for the bright lights, Miss Heaton. If you don't wear eye makeup the audience can't see the expression, and that actually detracts from the emotional impact of…”

She said, “Shut up.”

Then she picked on Ellen.

“Ellen, why are you wearing lip gloss?”

“It's for the play, Miss Heaton.”

“Oh yes, and what part are you playing?”

When Ellen said she was a witch she was made to go to the loos and take off her lip gloss.

When Slim took to the stage, the lads started softly singing.

“‘Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies?'”

Slim was shaking like a loon on shaking tablets.

“That's enough. Silence! I expect grown-up behavior from all of you—you are being given the opportunity to show us that our trust in you is not
misplaced. I know that I can rely on you all to act with decorum and maturity.”

And that is when the first stink bomb went off.

backstage

Mr. Attwood, our part-time caretaker and full-time loon, is having a spaz attack to end all spaz attacks. He was up near the roof fixing some lights to the lighting bar and one of the lads removed his ladder.

Dave seems to have cheered up even though he has broken Rachel's heart allegedly. I said kindly, “She'll get over it.”

Dave said, “As I have said many many times, Georgia, you are all heart. Are you going to be wearing a skimpy skirt and tights for your part as MacDuff?”

And I said, “Why, was MacDuff a transvestite?”

And Dave said, “Yes.”

He is on “lights,” which essentially means he hangs about backstage flirting and causing mayhem and then switches a light on at the beginning. And he even did that at the wrong time.

3:15 p.m.

Hanging around backstage with the lads and Dave the Laugh.

I have laughed so much that I almost forgot about Masimo. I told Dave about the fact that the Hamburgese, bless them, call knickers “panties,” and it has entranced Dave beyond measure. He doesn't seem as heartbroken as he should be considering he has callously dumped his girlfriend.

3:20 p.m.

Dave has started this “pants” business, which he won't stop, and has given me an awful stitch. I cannot stop laughing. Miss Wilson is clearly going to kill me soon, but I can't stop. Essentially, he substitutes “pants” for everything and it is vair vair
amusant
indeed. For instance, when everyone was onstage doing the battle scene he started singing “Onward Christian Soldiers,” but he introduced “pants” as a subtheme. So the lyrics in his pants land are “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war, with the PANTS of Jesus going on before.” Although, as I pointed out, the American version would be “with the PANTIES of Jesus going on before.”

3:30 p.m.

“The hills are alive with the sound of PANTS.”

3:33 p.m.

Nauseating P. Green is doubling up her roles. She is my wife and also in charge of munitions.

3:35 p.m.

Well, when I say in charge of munitions, she has got a starting pistol thing that is going to be used for sound effects for the battle scenes. Also she has some bangers that she will be letting off backstage with Spotty Norman as her co-idiot.