Lost Magic (The Swift Codex Book 3) (21 page)

I relaxed fractionally, enough to glance at him. His face was soft in the morning light, his eyes equal parts concern and curiousity. I cleared my throat again. “Can we forget this happened?”

His brows shot up, intrigued. Wrong thing to say.

“What did happen?”

“Nothing. I'm fine.”

“I have seen you in various conditions, and you are not fine now.”

I snapped, “Look, it's nothing you can fix. It's nothing you did. It's just some dumb thing that happened in the past that shouldn't have.”

He considered what I said, frowning. “This is not about Railey. It is something closer, more personal.”

“Stop digging.”

“I will once you tell me what has you upset.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“I do.”

“It's none of your business. Butt out.”

He cocked his head. “Why are you hurting so much?”

That question went straight to my heart as if he'd plunged an icy blade through my chest. Tears sprung to my eyes. “Why don't you want to make love to me? If I'm not enough for you, why are you keeping me around? Is it to stroke your ego to lead me around by a pinkie finger? Or does it give you some kind of power trip to have me mooning after you like a lovesick puppy?”

His brows shot even higher and he stared at me for a second in utter confusion.

Stepping back, I escaped his grasp and started to shake. I gently rested Anna on the pile of blankets on the floor. My hands trembled. I clenched my fists, trying to regain some control.

Calmly, Mordon said, “Turn around and face me, please. I do not wish to speak at your back.”

Not seeing a way out of it, I did as he asked and felt all the more a fool for it.

I could tell I'd hit him in a place I shouldn't have.

He said, “You have boundaries which I respect, and similarly you must respect my own boundaries. As for the rest of your questions, they do not require an answer. They are personal attacks which I am quite frankly astonished to hear you use.”

What I'd said to Mordon found a place in my head, slowly registering. A cold chill trickled down my system, making me shake and shiver more violently. I mumbled, “I shouldn't have attacked you, I apologize.”

“I accept your apology, but I do wish to know if you feel there is some truth behind the accusations?”

My teeth started to chatter. My whole body shuddered. I shook my head in answer.

Mordon hesitated. “May I touch you?”

“If you want to.”

“Oh, Fera,” he said and in an instant I was wrapped up in his arms, my face pressed against his chest. He stroked my hair and rocked me back and forth.

That was all it took for me to cry. Violently. My legs nearly gave out, and I found myself darting into the kitchen for a bag to be sick in. Mordon held my hair and rubbed my back.

Humiliation rendered me speechless. I was way, way overreacting. Worse was when I began to shiver, and shiver hard enough for him to rub my arms. I watched the tiles in the floor instead of looking at Mordon as I washed my face and dried my hands. Part of me wished he'd stop fussing and just let me curl up on my own until I could forget about the whole incident.

Once I washed up, he seated me on the bed and laid beside me. I wasn't sure how long I was like that before I finally felt warm and had stopped shivering.

Tension left my body. In its place was weariness. How I wished I could go back in time to regain control over myself! But Mordon's hand tracing down my spine was soothing, and his silent presence reassuring. He hadn't taken off for the hills yet.

“This,” he said quietly, “is a very big nothing.”

I supposed that I had to tell him now. Perhaps not
had to
, but he'd always wonder what had gone through my head tonight. Sometime, he'd press the subject again. Probably whenever I next snapped.

I shook my head. “It's a very small nothing.”

“Nothing is small if it matters so much.” He ran a finger across the shell of my ear and down my jaw. “Is it about you and me?”

“It would be easier to say yes.”

His lionlike eyes flickered across my face. “So it isn't something that I did?”

I shook my head.

He relaxed fractionally. “I am relieved that I didn't do something to put you into physical post-traumatic shock.”

I smiled. “I'm not in shock.

“Your eyes are dilated, your skin is chilled, you're shivering, you vomited. You're in shock.”

I swallowed hard. “Guess I am. Pretty stupid. Nothing actually happened to me.”

“Recalling a trauma can trigger shock. Considering all of the many things which have not put you into shock, I am puzzled what did.”

With all that I'd put him through this morning, he deserved to know the truth. Thinking of how to start it made my brain freeze.

“If you do not wish for me to speak until you are through, I will.”

“No. I just …” I tried to breathe past the lump in my throat. “Anna wasn't supposed to be my first baby.”

I thought it would take him a minute to comprehend. That he'd be confused or need explanation. He didn't lose a beat. “You had a miscarriage?”

I nodded, glad to not have to say the clumsy word. I realized Mordon must have encountered plenty of conception struggles in the colony.

“I'm so sorry. How many?”

“Just the one.”

I expected him to ask me how far along I had been.

He said, “What of the father?”

I felt a little part of me shrivel up inside. “He blamed me. Said it was because I didn't want to marry him.”

Mordon's voice went low and cold. “Was this before or after he refused to make love to you?”

I flinched. “How did you know?”

“I assumed that you were displacing aggression by acting out on a safe target rather than confronting the person who hurt you in the first place.”

“Huh.”

“Am I correct?”

“I think you made the connection before I did.”

Mordon nodded, satisfied with that answer at least. “Was this before or after?”

“Uh.” I tried to think back, winced at the associated memories. “I really don't know. It's all sludged together.”

“There is no cause to lay the blame on you,” Mordon said sternly. “You did nothing to start the loss, and you could have done nothing to prevent it.”

I stiffened again. “You don't even know how far along I was.”

“I do not need to. I know you. You would have done anything in your power to keep it safe and healthy. The same way you are doing for Anna.”

“Even if it was unexpected?”

“Anna was unexpected. You did not refuse her.”

I melted into his arms, feeling suddenly exhausted. “About Anna?”

He frowned. “I'll check on her.”

The bed swayed as he got up, evidencing his weight. The bed sure didn't move like that when I got off it.

As his bare feet padded away, I thought about what he'd said. There was nothing life-changing, but what he had done was seamlessly accept what I had to say. He hadn't belittled me, even in the unintentional way that I'd endured before. The few people who I'd tried to confide in had responded with words like
at least it wasn't far along
or
perhaps it was for the best
. Those responses made me absolutely convinced I couldn't tell anyone whose opinions mattered to me. I heard the distant crooning noises Mordon gave Anna as he picked her up.

The only thing I did while he was gone was to wrap the blankets closer around me. I felt weak, drained, but also a whole lot less strained. I wondered at how Mordon was so accepting of such a short explanation.

He returned, depositing Anna into our bed between us. She opened her mouth but kept her eyes shut. Mordon collected my hand, brought it to his lips for a kiss.

“How did you meet him?”

Should have known he'd want to know the details. “It was after I moved into my barn workshop. I was converting the silo into a bathroom and shower when he came by to check on the new resident. Word had gotten around that a former sorceress had moved into the neighborhood, and he wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't going to tolerate any trouble.”

“Did he have the authority?”

I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to divulge his rank or name. “Yes.”

Mordon's brow furrowed. “In that area, the only people who could have that power would be a passing Magic Constable or the local sheriff.” He stroked his chin, coming to a realization. “You like to be associated with people in control, and you like stability. It was the local sheriff, what was his name, Barnes spoke to him. Bruder.”

I nodded.

“When Barnes said he gave Sheriff Bruder four IOU's in return for help, you weren't happy and you called him by his forename.” Mordon's brows lifted dramatically. “This is interesting.”

“That's one word for it.”

“Why didn't you say anything beforehand?”

I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. “The relationship with Sam was over. Mentioning it would have been a distraction, and one I would as soon forget.”

“What of your reason for not telling me about your loss?”

That was harder to put to words. “First, I was easier to pretend it never happened. I mean, nobody else knows, so why should I? Might as well have been a crazy mandrake dream.”

“And today? Why did you feel unsafe telling me?”

“Because you want kids, and what if I—” My voice broke.

“Shh, shh, love.” He took my hand in both of his. “If it is not in our fate, then we will not be the first couple to live meaningful lives. Our legacy will take a different form. That is all.”

Despite myself, I gasped. “You won't walk away?”

He raised himself on his elbows and put his forehead against mine. “Never.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

He kissed my jaw. “I do not walk away from what matters.”

“I know.”

A bird outside rustled in the eaves of the house, making scratching noises. They faded as the bird settled down again. Mordon propped himself up on an elbow, studying me carefully.

He asked, “Did the Sheriff walk away?”

“After a time.”

“Why?”

I told him about the fight right before the miscarriage. He leaned back, listening in complete silence. “I was inconsolable. I needed support, and he got bored of the job after about a week or two.”

“You did not seek out your parents?”

My laugh was borderline hysterical. “And tell them what? I'd have to start from the beginning, meaning that I'd have to admit that I'd had sex with a man I wasn't married to and hadn't really known all that long. That I'd been stupid enough to get pregnant by a man they didn't even know I was dating. Know what my parents said about girls like that? Those names weren't pretty. No, I'd rather keep my good name intact.”