Lost in Mist and Shadow: A Between the Worlds Novel (5 page)

“Did he? Truly?” Jessilaen moved to stare out the window again, off into the dark forest. “Perhaps that will be good for him. And he is choosing to keep the name he used while he was Outcast, not use his true name? Interesting.”

They were both silent for a little while and then Jess spoke again, “Allie?”

“
Yes?
” she thought back, straining to maintain the connection as her body tried to pull her into a deeper sleep cycle.

“You told me once that your upbringing was very human, that it colored your understanding of adult relationships.”

“
Yes, that’s true. What I know of elven culture is mostly from a child’s perspective,”
she thought back, wondering where he was going with this.

“Then don’t you prefer monogamy as most humans do? Wouldn’t it bother you if I took another lover?” his voice was hesitant and she could feel his fear, although she wasn’t sure exactly what he was afraid of.

“
Oh Jess
,” she thought back sadly “
I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to make yourself miserable because of me.
”

“I would be very unhappy if you had another lover,” he said, catching her off guard. She had just assumed that while he didn’t like Bleidd personally he otherwise wasn’t concerned about who she was with as long as she didn’t reject him. It was a very human response but not a very elven one. “And I’m afraid I would be angry. I don’t want to think about it but sometimes I cannot stop myself and I feel like I would not be…safe…around such a person. I do not know if I could control myself. I have not told anyone of course because such behavior – the thought of it even – is not accepted. It is part of why we are raised to reject embracing strong emotions because it is so easy to lose control of them. And elves simply do not fight one another over lovers. It isn’t done. But Bryn – Brynneth – he is a very good friend to me and I think he guesses sometimes what I am thinking even when I don’t speak of it. He has been trying to get me to accept that perhaps you already have taken others to your bed while I have been gone and that I should stop waiting for you.“

“
No I have not
!” Allie cut in, too offended to stay quiet anymore, but also pleased that, elf or not, he felt a very human possessiveness about her. She had gone into the relationship expecting to have to adjust to the elven preference for multiple partners and a small selfish part of her was glad that things were turning out the other way around. He was taking the human approach of wanting it to be an exclusive relationship and however unusual that might be in his culture, deep down she was relieved. “
There is no one else. No one. And the Light Court may not fight over lovers but the Dark Court does, although I guess that isn’t a great example of civilized behavior.
”

“And would you fight for me?” he asked his words teasing but his emotions roiling.

“
I might kick Brynneth next time I see him,”
she thought rebelliously, and was rewarded by a surge of amusement from Jess. “
I do not want to be uncivilized Jess. I don’t want to be your half-human girlfriend who gets into fights over things that every elf finds normal and usual. But honestly? Honestly? I would be very unhappy to know you were with someone else
.”

“You would be jealous?” he asked, and she felt a sense of satisfaction in his words.

“
Yes
,” she said, fighting another wave of sleep. “
I would be jealous.
”

“Good,” he said, and her stomach twisted at the pleasure in his words.

She ignored her own misgivings about how extreme his feelings seemed, reminding herself that everything with elves was always extreme “
I have to go get some sleep before the whole night is gone. But I will see you soon, I promise
,” she thoughtit recklessly, not even caring about the risk of making such a promise if her car broke down or something else unexpected happened
.

Sh
e
reached out with her own emotions, letting her feelings flow into him and he gasped leaning against the window “Allie!”

His emotions flowed back through the link and blended with hers until she could not tell who was feeling what and her whole body was shaking with the intensity of it. She heard herself saying “
I love you”

And then the darkness of sleep took over.

Sunday morning dawned bright and clear and Allie felt a surge of excitement at the thought of going to see Jess. She got up earlier than she needed to and used some of her nervous energy to clean her room, or at least arrange the mess better. The house cat, Riona, sauntered in and curled up on the bed to watch the proceedings, no doubt intrigued by the unusual sight of Allie cleaning, and she found herself talking to the cat as she picked up clothes and books.

“’Morning Ri. Catch any mice today?” Allie stopped briefly to scratch the orange tabby on the head then went back to sorting dirty clothes from clean, and mostly clean. “I’ve got a busy day today, how about you?”

The cat purred loudly watching with apparent interest as Allie heaved a pile of laundry into a bin and shoved it closer to the door. “Lots of important napping on the agenda today? Yeah, it must be tough to be a cat.”

She pawed through her clean clothes, making a new mess to replace the one she’d just picked up. “Gods! I feel like I’m going on a first date, not out to meet someone I know doesn’t care what I wear.”

Ri was unimpressed as Allie chose and discarded a half dozen options before deciding on a sundress that Liz had gotten her several years before. She’d never actually worn it because she never wore dresses, preferring jeans and tshirts or sweaters most of the time, but the weather was nice and Syndra had always sworn she’d look great in the dress. It was modest enough for Allie to be comfortable in it but the cut showed off her figure far more than her usual attire, and the deep blue matched her eyes. “Yeah Ri, I can’t believe I’m this worried about what I’m wearing today either.”

Allie sighed and almost put the dress back but checked the impulse. And despite how exposed and undressed it made her feel she left her bra on the bed. Elven women didn’t wear them and she knew Jess liked her better without it. She felt slightly foolish for even caring about that, yet despite the discussion the night before and his reassurance she still had a hard time believing that he really wanted to be with her that badly. Seeing him again, now, she found herself worrying that he wouldn’t feel as strongly in person as he did in his head.

Pulling the dress on she took a moment to get everything adjusted and then walked over to her mirror. She had to admit, grudgingly, that she did look very nice. The dress fit well and her dark blond hair – for once freed of its usual pony tail – hung loose around her face and cascaded down her back. Turning from the mirror and ignoring the unaccustomed movement of her unconfined chest she headed down to get some breakfast.

She found her cousin already in the kitchen toasting an English Muffin. Allie mumbled good morning and headed straight over for the coffee.

“Well I’m glad to see you finally wearing that dress,” Liz said approvingly. “I only bought it for your birthday years ago.”

“Thanks Liz, it looks really nice right?” Allie said suddenly uncertain.

Liz gave her a disbelieving look, “It looks wonderful on you.” And then frowning “You are supposed to wear a bra with it though. You really aren’t small enough to get away with not wearing one.”

Allie blushed, “Yeah well. I’m not.”

“You’re not? What do you mean you’re not?”

“I mean I’m not. You know elves don’t wear them.”

Liz’s eyes narrowed and Allie regretted mentioning elves. “Uh-huh. And humans do. And you aren’t an elf, so….oh, I get it. You’re going to see
him
today aren’t you?”

“He has a name Liz,” Allie said, busying herself choosing a coffee cup and getting the milk out of the fridge.

“I really thought you were over all of that. You haven’t seen him in weeks,” Liz’s voice was thick with disapproval now.

“You know it’s not that simple-“Allie protested.

“Because you have that psychic bond thing? Well why not just undo the spell?” Liz said dismissively.

“Because I…”
because I love him
Allie thought but found herself afraid to admit that to her cousin, “because I don’t know how.”

“Yes, but you read Grandmother’s book – that’s where you learned how to do whatever it is you did to get into this mess in the first place, right?”

Allie looked down, pretending to be busy adding milk to her coffee. “I wouldn’t call it a mess, exactly, it’s just really complicated.”

“Do you
want
to have this, this, magical thing where you’re stuck in his head?” Liz said in disbelief.

“Well no. I mean, I don’t know. At the time…” Allie stammered.

“Oh I know, I know. It was an emergency, and honey no one judges you for doing what you had to do to save yourself in the moment. But don’t you owe it to yourself and to,” Liz sniffed slightly, “and to
him
to fix it now? What happens when you get old and die? Or just get old and he loses interest?”

Liz’s words hurt and Allie struggled not to let it show, “I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t thought about it.”

“Exactly. But now you need to think about it. If you can’t fix it I’m sure someone else can, but you read Grandmother’s book – you did this to begin with – you can find a way to undo it,” Liz spoke with certainty as she fixed her breakfast. “You should make it a priority.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to use anything else from that book,” Allie muttered, shivering as she remembered some of what had been in her Grandmother’s grimoire.

“Don’t be a child. I know some of it was distasteful-“

“Distasteful!” Allie interjected, offended at her cousin’s casual assessment of the spells that had led to innocent girls being tortured and murdered.

“I’m trying to be polite. Anyway, my point is some of it may have been bad but it can’t all have been. And even if it was, why can’t you use what you know to reverse engineer what you did and fix it?” Liz sounded so confident that Allie felt her own hesitance wavering. She knew the book had contained some horrific magic, things that could never be shared, which is why she had made the choice to burn the book. But…but maybe Liz had a point. She had no idea what would happen to Jess if she died. Would he die to? The thought made her stomach turn; she did not want to think that in saving herself she had condemned him to an early death.

Liz walked over carrying her breakfast and gave Allie a one-armed hug. “I’m not trying to upset you honey, you know that. I just don’t want to see you get your heart broken over someone who can’t ever really commit to you.”

Allie thought of Jess’s obsessive single-minded interest in her and shook her head slightly, “I don’t think that‘s a problem Liz.”

“With elves it’s always a problem,” Liz said sagely. “And let’s be honest you don’t have very much dating experience.”

“By which you mean I don’t have any,” Allie said, laughing.

Liz laughed too, sitting down at the long kitchen table. “You’ve always been so shy with men Allie. There I was going out on dates and going through boyfriends like tissue and you were always home reading or helping Grandmother with the store or with one of her spells. I suppose I just thought after all this time none of that interested you.”

Allie brought her coffee over and sat down with Liz, looking out the window at the sun through the trees. “For a long time it didn’t. When we were in school, I always felt like, I don’t know, like I didn’t understand what the big deal was. Later I started to feel attracted to people, but it just never worked out right, you know? Either they weren’t interested in me or they were only interested in getting into my pants-“

“And that isn’t what’s going on with him?” Liz said skeptically.

“His name is Jessilaen Liz and no it isn’t just sex,” Allie said earnestly. Liz actually blushed, looking away. “But even if it was, I don’t know how to explain this, but I kind of don’t care.”

“Allie!”

“I don’t Liz. I feel like my whole life is going by and I’m not really living it. I’m just watching it happen.”

Liz was silent for a minute, chewing. “Is this because of what happened to you? When you were hurt, before?”

Allie hesitated. “I don’t know. Maybe? That’s part of it I guess, but Syndra dying is part of it too. And Jess is special to me Liz. I really like him; he makes me happy. But more than that I just want to feel like I’m having some fun once in a while.”

Liz nodded thoughtfully, “I can understand that. I mean you’ve always been the one waiting at home for me when I go out – I guess I’ve just gotten used to you being a certain way. Being my little Allie who makes me feel better when I have an awful breakup and needs my advice about what car to buy. Maybe that sounds silly but it’s hard for me to think of you differently. And I can’t pretend I like seeing you acting more like them – like the elves. I just don’t see anything good in the way they do things.”

“I guess we’ve both gotten used to each other a certain way Liz. We grew up more like sisters than cousins. But I have to live my own life,” Allie said.

“I know you do,” Liz replied. “I just want to see you make good decisions. I want to see you be happy Allie.”

“Yeah, well, me too,” Allie smiled and then spontaneously got up and gave her cousin a real hug, before putting her coffee cup in the sink and heading out the door.

************************************

Allie was certainly happy to see Jess again, but she hadn’t expected to be ushered right to his private quarters and into bed. Allie had pulled her car up to the Outpost with a mix of excitement and trepidation a little more than an hour ago and almost before she knew what was happening had found herself swept up to Jess’s room, caught up in his emotional and physical need. It was overwhelming
.
Not that I didn’t enjoyed it,
Allie thought resting her cheek against his chest and listening to his heartbeat,
but a little conversation first would have been nice
.

“Did you say something, love?” Jess asked, stroking her hair. Allie flushed and then bit her lip, realizing that the physical contact had strengthened their connection to a point where he could almost hear her thoughts the way she heard his. It was a little frightening, and then she felt ashamed to feel that way when she so often listened in on him, unintentional as it usually was.

“No, nothing,” she said, hoping he’d believe it. She traced his collarbone with her fingers, his skin smooth beneath her touch. His hair fell in golden waves down around his face and chest and Allie tangled her hand in it, enjoying the sensation. She realized she had never seen him with his hair out of the braid that was part of the Elven Guard’s uniform and she found herself idly wondering if his hair was longer than hers. “I forgot that being this close to you makes our connection, in our heads closer.”

“I like it,” he said, caressing her arm. “I like feeling like you are always with me, like we are never really apart. I have missed you terribly.”

He pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head. She closed her eyes and tried to block him out, not wanting him to hear what she was thinking. She knew that he had not been with anyone else since he had seen her last, something that was unheard of among the elves who celebrated every opportunity to enjoy the sensual pleasures of life. She had not asked him to abstain, and had refused to accept his promise to the same effect before he had left, but she could not deny that it made her happy to know that he wasn’t with anyone else. And not just because she would be aware of it while it was going on through their bond, but because she had enough human culture ingrained in her upbringing to think monogamy was the best option, even if she knew it made him desperately miserable because they were apart so much of the time. It made her feel petty and immature, especially since she couldn’t help but be annoyed at getting tumbled into bed right away when he did see her again after weeks apart. She knew that she was putting him in an untenable position and found herself considering what Liz had said earlier.
Maybe I should consider trying to break the bond I forged…

“I am so glad you are here now Allie. I have wanted to go and see you, but I could not get permission to take the time. I was starting to worry that you had forgotten me until you spoke into my mind last night.”

…or maybe not
. Allie winced. “I could never forget you. And I’ve missed you too you know. But I hadn’t heard anything from you so I wasn’t sure what was going on.”

He moved, forcing her to pull back slightly until she was looking into his eyes, “Did you not know from my thoughts I was back here?”

“Well, I, yes, but,” Allie flushed, feeling like a child caught stealing cookies before dinner. “I mean I did know you were back but not that you wanted to see me and couldn’t.”

He frowned and she felt his confusion overwhelming her own embarrassment, making it hard to focus. “Do you not always hear my thoughts?”

“No,” she said, then shook her head slightly. “I mean yes, but it’s not like that. I’m…aware of you all the time and if you are especially upset or emotional it, kind of draws my attention. And if we are touching or very close then everything is stronger. But usually what you’re thinking is like, it’s like listening to someone talk in another room. I don’t hear what you’re thinking unless I focus on you and make the effort to reach across the connection.”

“I see. I had not realized,” he sounded thoughtful. “I thought you were always with me in a more direct way.”