Lost in Mist and Shadow: A Between the Worlds Novel (16 page)

“Neither have I,” he said softly.

“Seven hundred years and you haven’t figured out how relationships work yet?” she asked, baffled.

He gave the ghost of a chuckle, stroking her hair lightly. “You forget, elves don’t usually have relationships like this. I have never had a lover that wasn’t either a trifling affair or a friend. I have never loved someone so much that the thought of losing them is worse than dying.”

“Am I being stupid Jess?” she asked, sighing.

“I don’t understand.”

“When we agreed to court, I told you that I don’t trust people easily and that I don’t like to rely on other people. I said that you would have to tell me when I was being stupid, so am I?”

He pulled her closer, encircling her body with his own. “Perhaps we are both being stupid.”

Allie drew a long breath. “Jess, where I come from it’s not okay to be weak. It’s a bad thing. And I worry that if you knew how…how very weak I really am, that you won’t want me.”

To her complete mortification she started to cry. He stroked her back, “Oh Allie no, never, I want you more than my own life.”

“But that’s because you don’t know how bad it is,” she sobbed. “I’ve tried so hard to stay strong for you and for Liz, but some days I feel so very broken. Why would you want that? Why would you want me to share with you that I’m afraid of being alone now? That I’m afraid of people I don’t know hurting me? That I can’t stop thinking about the bad things that happened?”

She was crying too hard to speak now, her whole body shaking. He held her close and let her cry, rocking slightly. After several minutes she began to calm down relaxing slightly in his arms, and then he spoke, “Allie, my love, my heart, it does not matter to me if you are afraid of everything, so long as you will let me help you. If you are not strong then I will be strong for you until you are well again.”

She shuddered, burying her head in his neck. He sighed, “This is what you bargained with Brynneth for isn’t it? For his healing work to help with this.”

She nodded, not lifting her head. “Yes, I have panic attacks now, where I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart races, and my head feels like it will explode. And the memories just play and play and I can’t make them stop.”

Jess spoke very carefully, “I have seen elves with this, although we call it something different. It can be dealt with, and you will get better. “

He hesitated, wanting to ask her the question that hung in the air between them, but afraid to push her. The moment passed as she continued speaking, “I feel as if all I do is make mistakes. I can’t do anything right. I should find a way to fix the spell, to get myself out of your head-“

He tensed, “No my heart, do not do that.”

“But Jess…”

“That was not a mistake to be fixed. That was a gift. If anything you should stop fearing to use it.”

“I don’t want to bother you,” she whispered, the words barely audible.

“You do not bother me. I need you Allie, you are a part of me. Please do not talk of ripping that part away,” his own words were ragged and she could feel his fear even as she felt his heart speeding up beneath her cheek. She nodded slightly, and he relaxed.

“If you are sure,” she said slowly. Part of her still had misgivings about how quickly everything had happened with them, how her own magic had forced them into a level of intimacy that was beyond extreme. Her head told her it was crazy to be so dependent on someone she had practically just met; her heart told her that losing him would be impossible. She vibrated in between, as logic warred with emotion.

“I am sure,” he said firmly, his hands holding her close as if he could hold their psychic bond together with physical effort. “I am glad you are telling me these things Allie. It grieves me to think of you suffering all these weeks alone.”

“Don’t be glad yet, there’s more,” she said suddenly exhausted. She wished she could stop there and let that be enough, but she wasn’t sure she could do this again. It was like rubbing salt over an open wound. “I’ve had…there’ve been things happening at the store.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dead animals, left by the doors. My surveillance system isn’t working so I have no way to know when or who’s doing it,” she started, feeling silly. Why should he care about dead animals?

He tensed though as she spoke and she could feel his concern. “Your cameras are still not working?”

“No. I don’t know why. Some computer error. I’m not very good with computers, and I don’t have the money right now to have someone come look at it,” she sighed, giving up in the face of her own need and letting herself connect to his emotions so that they fed her, filling her and soothing her own raw emotions.

He spoke carefully, obviously thinking hard. “Someone is leaving dead animals for you to find by your store and your camera system isn’t working?”

“Yes, and this morning – or last night – someone broke my front windows,” she felt his worry and hurried to reassure him “They’ve already been fixed and I reported it to the police.”

“Allie why did you not tell me this sooner? If someone means you harm…”

“I don’t know that they want to hurt me,” she said, desperately trying to believe it. “It’s just petty harassment. When I was in school people used to do stuff like this, pour milk in my locker, rip my backpack, but no one ever physically hurt me-“

“Allie,” Jess said, “we cannot risk-“

“No,” she cut him off, shaking her head against his chest. Her eyes ached from all the crying. “No. I already have so much fear in my life. I can’t let myself think that someone’s out to get me and wants to make me suffer first. I mean if someone really bad wanted to hurt me they’d just get to the point and hurt me.”

She knew he wasn’t convinced but the expected argument did not come. He held her close and kept rubbing her back slowly, lost in thought.

“There’s one more thing Jess, and maybe it’s worse,” she reached her arms up, wrapping them around his neck and finally lifted her head. “I cast a spell today, because of the windows, because I was angry and scared. A spell from the grimoire.”

He looked into her eyes, unflinching, “What kind of spell?”

“A bad one,” she said simply, “to punish whoever broke the windows.”

She felt two more tears crawling down her cheeks in what seemed to be an endless stream of sorrow today. “It was wrong. I knew it and as soon as I did it I was sorry. I wished I hadn’t. But I can’t take it back.”

He leaned his forehead into hers, “What’s done is done. You will have to wait to see what the consequences will be.”

“I know.”

“Allie, you should come and stay with me, if not forever at least until we know what is going on and why you are being targeted in this way,” he said, hoping she would listen and knowing it was unlikely. She was shaking her head before he finished speaking.

“I can’t run away. That doesn’t help anything,” she pulled back slightly, looking down.

“Neither does fighting a war by yourself,” he said. She shook her head slightly and he sighed. “Call whoever you need to call to have your surveillance system fixed.”

“I can’t afford it. I don’t even know what’s wrong with it or how hard it will be to fix,” Allie said embarrassed to admit that money was such a big issue for her.

“Do not concern yourself with the cost. Whatever it is I will pay it,” he said in a tone that brooked no argument.

Which didn’t stop Allie from trying anyway, “I can’t ask you to do that. It might be expensive.”

“Allie, you aren’t asking me. I am telling you that I will pay for it. In all honesty I will not rest well until I know you have at least the protection offered by such a system. If you do not call and arrange for it to be repaired, I will call myself,” he said flatly.

For a moment Allie felt a flare of annoyance at having him step in and take her choices away, but then common sense asserted itself. He wasn’t going to back down and she would be foolish to pick a fight over his attempt to help her. Still it was hard for her to relent. “I don’t know when I could pay you back.”

“You are being ridiculous,” he said, exasperated. “Why would you need to pay me back?”

She opened her mouth ready with a quick retort then stopped, confused. “Wouldn’t I?”

“Oh my heart,” he sighed, sounding as tired as she felt, “Now you are being stupid.”

She started giggling, and then reaching up pulled his head down to hers. She meant the kiss to be light and teasing, but somehow it became something different altogether.

His hands moved on her back, stroking, and she stopped kissing him to pull her shirt off, knowing it would feel better on bare skin. He responded by kissing his way down her throat to her breasts, his hands working at the clasps of her bra. She untied his braid, working her fingers through his hair until it fell in waves around his body the way she liked it.

They moved gently with each other and Allie used her empathy and their bond to share and amplify what they were feeling. He felt her pleasure as his hands stroked her thighs. She felt his enjoyment as her body pressed against the length of his, her hands stroking his chest, arms, and back. When he finally moved between her legs, pressing himself slowly into her body, they both gasped at the shared sensation. Their bodies moved together, still gentle, until her climax took her, suddenly, pulling him in as well.

Afterwards they lay together, bodies still joined, emotions entangled.

And for just a little while, everything was alright.

Jess had been unable to stay the night before so Allie woke up alone. Despite the rollercoaster that the day before had been she felt good when she got up. Spending the evening with Jess and more importantly letting herself fully connect to and draw on his emotions had recharged her own energy levels more effectively than resting for a week.

She sat up and stretched slowly, rubbing her left ankle to work out the stiffness. She had learned quickly after the initial injury that hopping right out of bed in the morning was not a good idea. If she didn’t flex her foot a bit and work her ankle around before getting up then by the end of the day she’d be hobbling instead of just limping.

For a moment she sat and remembered Jess’s skin pressed against hers, his love and passion wrapped around her, their bodies moving together….
Talking was definitely the right thing to do. I’m glad we talked, although I guess I can’t complain about him always tumbling me into bed when I basically jumped him on the floor
, she thought smiling to herself. Then she sighed and stood up, her stomach growling.
Enough of that. I’ve got to get moving
.

She pulled on a pair of jeans, stuffing her cell phone, badge, and wallet into the pocket. After a moments consideration she decided to embrace her good mood and picked out a light blue blouse that was more than a bit fancier than her usual tshirts, but that she knew looked good with her eyes. She pulled her hair up into its usual ponytail and felt ready to take on another day.

Down in the kitchen Jason was just starting the coffee. Allie headed over towards the cabinet to grab some cereal while she waited for that to brew. “Morning Jase. How are you doing?”

He yawned, “Not bad, considering I’ve only been up for a little bit. What are you doing?”

“Getting breakfast while I wait for the coffee.”

“Cereal isn’t breakfast, it’s what breakfast eats. Honestly Allie you have the worst diet. Sit down and I’ll make you a real breakfast,” he started pulling pans out while he talked, obviously not waiting for her to agree or argue.

Slightly amused she said, “What do you have against cereal? And for your information Mr. Nutrition usually I don’t eat breakfast at all I just have coffee.”

“Since when? You’ve always eaten breakfast.”

“Since I don’t know, weeks now,” she shrugged, sitting down at the table.

He made an annoyed noise. “Don’t make me chase you around like a grumpy mother bugging you about eating right.”

As soon as he spoke he froze looking embarrassed. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

She cocked her head to the side, “Why?”

“For mentioning mothers.”

“Ummm okay, but why? It doesn’t bother me.”

“Oh”, he looked puzzled. “But I thought…it doesn’t make you sad to think about your mom?”

“Well, it’s a little weird,” Allie said nonplussed, “and I don’t think about her often. I do wonder sometimes how she’s doing, because I don’t talk to her often.”

“Oh!” Jason blushed hard, and looked with great interest at what he was doing on the stove. “She’s still alive! I mean…I just thought, er, assumed I mean…”

Allie smiled taking pity on his discomfort and knowing when he was nervous he would babble and that she’d better intervene. “Jason my mother’s not dead. She just decided when I was little that it would be better for me not to be with her, so I went to live with my dad, and then after he died I came here to stay with my grandmother.”

He was silent for a bit while she tried to guess what he was cooking. Something with eggs and there was definitely the sizzle of bacon…her stomach growled loudly at the smell.

“I can understand that,” he said finally. “The not keeping in touch thing. I don’t talk to my parents often either. My mom’s kind of hard to pin down anyway and my dad’s back in Japan, but we don’t talk.”

“Family,” Allie agreed, “just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have anything in common.”

They both fell silent. Jason busied himself cooking and Allie sat at the table wondering for the first time in years what her mother was doing. Bleidd wandered in, stopped and looked from Jason to Allie, thrown off by the solemn atmosphere. She smiled at his wary expression, “Good morning sunshine.”

That made him smile, “Good morning. You’re in a good mood today.”

He went over to get coffee and added, “Good morning Jason.”

“’Morning,” Jason said amiably. “Breakfast?”

“Have I ever said no?” Bleidd quipped. He joined Allie at the table and to her surprise handed her a cup of coffee. She started to reach for it and hesitated.

“Allie,” he said reproachfully, while Jason started moving food to plates, “surely you don’t think I’d make any assumptions if you take a drink form me?”

Her lips twitched in a smile, but she still didn’t quite reach for the cup, “I don’t know Bleidd. Maybe you would. After all since I’m obviously not your guest if I take a drink you fixed for me, by elven custom it would mean we were lovers – or that you were my servant.”

Jason’s eyes went wide as he walked over with the food, but Bleidd ignored him, still holding out the cup. “Perhaps I am your servant.”

Jason set a plate of eggs and bacon down in front of Allie and another in front of Bleidd. He rushed back to grab his own food, watching the interplay at the table with great interest.

“You’re a lot of things Bleidd, but you are no one’s servant,” Allie shot back.

He kept holding the coffee cup out, as if he’d be comfortable holding it forever. “You agreed to court me too Allie, but I know you better than he does. Ten years versus a few months. I know you won’t be comfortable doing anything that you feel compromises your honor, even if your idea of honor is an amalgam of human and elven ideals. If you’re in his bed I won’t even try to trick you or win you into mine because I’d be losing the war to win a battle. That’s fine. I’ll just have to convince you that you’d rather choose me without that as a factor. And I have no doubt I can.”

His cocky grin made her roll her eyes and blush, feeling confused by his total confidence. He genuinely meant what he was saying. Before she could think of a safe response he edged the cup closer to her, “Go on Allie, take it. No elven strings attached. Consider it a romantic gesture, since I know you don’t like boxed chocolate or dead flowers.”

For some reason that reminded her in a very visceral way of his mouth on her skin the other day and she looked down, even more flustered. She reached out and took the coffee, her fingers brushing his, and tried to act as if his flirting wasn’t bothering her, “I’m not sure how romantic coffee is, but since I’d like to eat my breakfast before it gets cold, I’ll concede this round to you.”

He smiled widely, and Jason’s eyes ricocheted between the two of them. She turned her attention to him, “Thanks for breakfast Jason, it’s delicious. On a completely unrelated note, what’s up with work? Are they letting you back yet?”

He made a face “Not yet, but there’s a hearing Wednesday. Basically I have to show up and explain why I did what I did and if I can convince them I’m not dangerous to myself or the other guys they might not fire me. They probably will demote me or cut my pay or something though.”

“Well, that sucks,” Allie said.

“Hey I’ve got no one to blame but myself,” Jason said, spearing a chunk of eggs with his fork.

“Is there no way to convince them to ignore the infraction?” Bleidd asked, thoughtfully.

“If there is I can’t think of it,” Jason said. “But speaking of crappy personal problems how are yours going Allie?”

“Gee thanks for that segue, Jase,” Allie said, wadding up a napkin and tossing it at him.

Bleidd looked at her sharply, ignoring the teasing, “What problems Allie? What is going on?”

“Thanks Jason,” Allie muttered again, then louder, “Just the usual mess that is my life.”

“Allie…”Bleidd said, his tone making it clear he wasn’t going to let this go. Across the table Jason was giving her a look too, and she knew if she didn’t fill Bleidd in Jason probably would.

Well crap
Allie thought, taking a huge mouthful of food.
I guess there’s no reason not to tell him, except that he’s likely to overreact. But then again he is my friend and I’m letting all this courting business mess that up. Would I have told him before? Yes I would definitely have told him, so why am I hesitating to tell him now?
She chewed slowly to buy time
Damn all this adult relationship stuff anyway. It’s all just too complicated. Why can’t things be easy like they used to be?

She swallowed trying to decide how to start. “Well, it’s kind of complicated, but basically someone’s been leaving dead animals by the doors at my store, and someone smashed my front windows-“

“Woah! Someone smashed your windows?” Jason interrupted “When did that happen?”

“Yesterday, but since my cameras aren’t working-“

“But don’t you ward your store?”

“Jason stop interrupting! Of course I ward the store but only for certain things. I can’t ward it for everything. If someone broke in to steal or actually try to get
into
the store it would have triggered the wards but I can’t set that sort of thing on the glass because people touch it and bump against it all the time, it would constantly be setting them off or breaking them. I have the ward set just inside the windows and aimed for specific things, but I never thought to include the glass itself – so sue me for not thinking of every possibility! – and when the glass broke it broke the spell itself. I’ll set something better next time,” she finally ran out of breath about the same time she ran out words.

“Oh,” Jason said, looking more than slightly bowled over.

“Wait, back up,” Bleidd said, “your cameras aren’t working?”

“No the system went down about the same time the animals started.”

Bleidd looked very, very unhappy at that, and Allie could feel a grim displeasure radiating off of him. Allie pushed on deciding to break the worst part of her recent adventures to him before he could think too much about whoever was harassing her. “And the Guard also asked me to help with a missing person’s case they’re working on. And I tried to be clever and bargain with them, because everyone keeps saying how foolish I was last time not to have.”

Amusement warred with annoyance on his face. “And how did that go?”

“About as badly as you’d expect. I think I’ve been deputized,” she replied flatly.

Jason’s mouth fell open in shock. Bleidd’s eyebrows went up but the previously Outcast elf didn’t look totally surprised. Allie met his eyes, “You expected something like this?”

“I expected something,” he hedged. “The Elven Guard is nothing if not pragmatic. And I doubted your Guardsman would leave things as they were…”

He stopped suddenly with the look of someone who has said too much. She tilted her head to the side, unconsciously using elven body language to tell him he had her full attention, “You think when I refused to go with him he set out to find another way to…what? Tie me to him somehow?”

The look of trepidation on his face was so funny she couldn’t help laughing, as Jason ate his breakfast and watched the exchange with open interest. “Bleidd, you can be honest. I’m not offended. I’m curious about your thoughts on it. I was worried I’d blundered into this myself trying to outsmart people I should know better than to try to play a game of wits with.”

“No,” he said cautiously, looking intently at his food,” I doubt you created this situation, although you may have helped provide the chance for him, or them, to gain something they already wanted.”

“Meaning me,” she pushed, trying to be certain she understood what he was saying.

“Meaning the abilities and potential you have. You can be a great asset to the Guard Allie, perhaps more than anyone else not only because of your gift but because of your fluency with both languages and cultures,” he said, still not looking at her.

“I’m not as great with the culture as everyone likes to think,” she said wryly. “And you know if that’s true of me it’s also true of you.”

He blanched, “Please feel free not to mention that to Captain Zarethyn.”

Allie smirked into her coffee, “Not a problem since I haven’t seen him in weeks.”

Jason stood up, carrying his empty plate and cup over to the sink. “So what do you guys think of Shawn?”

Allie and Bleidd looked at each other, both hesitating. Finally Bleidd spoke. “I think he is very young.”

“You think everyone who isn’t Fey and is under 60 is very young,” Jason snorted. “Come on Allie, what’d you think?”

“Ummmm. Can’t I plead the fifth?” Allie asked

“Allie!”

“Okay, okay! He seems very eager to make a good impression and he’s never met a conversation he doesn’t like, okay?” Allie sighed, trying to be honest without being mean.

“Liz seems to like him well enough,” Bleidd added.

“Liz seems to like him too well,” Jason muttered while he washed the pans, forgetting that Allie and Bleidd could hear him. Bleidd tactfully ignored him but Allie didn’t.

“What does that mean?”

Jason squirmed, “Umm. Well. Nothing. Just that Liz is really friendly with the new guy.”