Lost in Hotels (41 page)

As I see the good of David, I feel even more paralyzed in this life. How will I recover? What is to become of me in these next days? I gaze at this charade of a life that I sit rejoined in and wonder how I will possibly endure the next day, let alone years, in this prison of my own making with David now lost.

As the sight of Nemo is simply too much to bear, I look down the couch at Billy’s little feet kicking in idle as he takes in the movie. The sight comforts my heart as I study his little body that gets larger and larger by the day. His little eyes glance away to the windows and the solid white sky that has taken away all neighbors, buildings, and life outside this room.

“Billy, come let Mommy tell you a story,” I suggest.

In the midst of such despair, the only solace is my son who has had an absent mother for far too long and perhaps the only relationship in this house not beyond saving. Billy takes my hand as we make our way to the kitchen table, leaving Matt behind to paw at the remote control.

Billy climbs atop the kitchen chair and sits attentively as I struggle to find our drawing journals out of one of three junk drawers. I place before him a box of crayons.

“Will you help me write a story? We’ll draw it together,” I say as his small hands grip the paper, and I pull a few colors out of the box. His hair still smells of baby as I stroke his warm neck that’s piercingly white.

“What kind of story?” he asks.

“You tell me. It can be whatever you want it to be.”

“What about a fish? Let’s make fish story,” he says with a nod. He grabs my hand and traces a fish as best he can.

“Did I ever tell you about the fish I swam with in Rio, swimming in the water between my feet and around all the people in the water that hot summer day?”

“No.”

“Well, it was my last day in Rio, and I didn’t like the city very much.”

“It was yucky?”

“Yes, or at least I thought it was. But then it became the most magical of cities.”

“Magic?” he asks.

“All of a sudden, one afternoon I saw it completely differently. I swore it was the most beautiful place I had ever been while swimming in the water with the most beautiful fish I’d ever seen.”

“What did he look like Mommy?”

“He was very large and so handsome with these incredible blue eyes that were the most beautiful color I had ever seen and almost glowed in the dark.”

“Were you scared?” Billy asks, looking into my eyes.

“At first, and then I was scared to lose him, so I kept swimming and swimming in the water so when I finally came up for air, I didn’t know where I was anymore.”

“And where did he go?”

“He swam with me awhile, and then I lost him into the deep blue sea. He was gone, and there was no way I would ever find him again even if I kept swimming and looking in every ocean in the entire world forever and ever.”

“Can I go with you next time, Mommy?”

“Absolutely. There’s nothing I would love more.”