Lost & Found (9 page)

“When are we going to do this?”

Krissa smiled as she folded the towels she’d taken out of the dryer. The towels they’d all used last night after emerging from the hot tub, warm and wet and…hot.

She turned to Nate. His shaggy curls were rumpled, glasses shielding his eyes, as usual, from close scrutiny. He thrust his hands into the pockets of baggy cargo shorts, big shoulders hunched.

“Do what?” she asked.

He growled.

“I’m teasing.” She set down the folded towel on the stack, and laid her hand there. “I’m using an ovulation kit to tell me when.”

“Oh.” Discomfort flitted across his face. It was almost fun to tease him with all these personal details. She’d gotten so used to revealing every intimate particular of her menstrual cycles to Derek and about a hundred health care professionals, it no longer bothered her.

“I’m going to test this morning, and tonight. If it’s positive I’ll be ovulating in twenty-four hours. My periods have always been kind of wacky so I start testing a few days before I expect to be ovulating.”

“So if it’s positive today we don’t have sex until…when? Tuesday?”

“Monday night. And Tuesday. And maybe Wednesday.”

“Jesus.”

She laughed, moved closer to him. “You can handle it, big boy.”

She slid her hands up his chest to his shoulders. His body tightened beneath her palms. She wished she knew if it was a good tightening or a bad tightening. She wanted those glasses gone so she could see what he was thinking.

“Krissa…” He put his hands on her waist and set her away from him. She sighed. Okay, it was a bad tightening.

“Nate, if you don’t want to do this, please say so now.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to do it.”

“We have to talk about this. Derek’s downstairs working out. It’s just you and me, so be honest. Things are going to get very weird if we’re not honest with each other.”

“Have you done this before?”

She blinked. “Done what? Slept with another man?”

“Yes.”

“No.” She frowned. “Of course not.”

“There’s no ‘of course’ about it. You invited friends over last night and practically had an orgy in your hot tub. Why wouldn’t I think that maybe you guys have all…”

“I haven’t had sex with another man,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands. “But I have with another woman.”

She heard his sharp intake of air.

“With Kim?”

Krissa nodded. “Does that disgust you?”

“Christ, no! But…”

“I’m not a lesbian,” she said through a faint smile. “Or bisexual. Derek’s your friend. You figure it out.”

“He wanted you to do it.” She watched his face, below the glasses, the square shape of his jaw, the way the firm curve of his lips moved as he talked, his smooth skin.

“Yes.”

“He wanted to watch.”

“Yes.”

“He’s going to watch us, isn’t he?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t said that. Would that make a difference to you?”

“I…don’t know.”

“He said you guys have done it before.”

Derek nodded, pressed his lips closed. “A long time ago. Christ, a lifetime ago. We were horny college students.”

Krissa wondered if Derek watching would ease Nate’s conscience about sleeping with her, or make him feel even worse. “Tell me,” she said. “You have to tell me how you feel about this.”

He shrugged. “There’s nothing to say. It’s no big deal. It’s just a sperm donation. Right?”

Krissa stared at him. “Right.” She blinked. Is that really how he felt? “I certainly wouldn’t want you to do something that’s clearly repulsive to you.” She started to walk by him, not wanting to stick around and say something she might regret.

He grabbed her wrist, his fingers hard. She looked up at him. His mouth was a grim line of annoyance, his jaw tight. “Krissa. Don’t walk away from me.”

Her mouth dropped open. “What?”

“Don’t walk away.” He tugged her hand and she tried to yank it out of his grasp but he held tight.

“Let go of me.”

“No. Krissa. Don’t give in that easy. You’re pissed off at me. Stay and fight.”

“Whaaat!” Nobody in her life had ever said that to her. She’d walked away from many conflicts, always thought it was the best thing to do. She hated arguing, hated the sick feeling she got from the tension.

“You heard me. Say what you want to say.” His voice rasped.

“I’m not going to beg you to sleep with me. If it’s that difficult for you, I’m not going to force you.”

“Oh, God.” He rubbed his mouth. “Krissa. The problem is, it’s not difficult.” He paused and looked at her.

She met his eyes, through the dark glasses. “Oh.” Did he mean…?

He tugged again on her hand, and his arms snared her, strong and hard, held her up against his body. She gasped and flattened her palms on his hard chest. His heart thudded beneath her hand, strong and sure. She was so close to him she could see the morning stubble he hadn’t yet bothered to shave, felt his breath against her forehead, saw her own reflection in his dark lenses, her mouth an astonished O, eyes wide.

Her hands slid to his shoulders. His chest pressed against her breasts and her nipples hardened. His mouth brushed hers. Not a kiss. He spoke, so close to her their breath mingled. “I want you, Krissa. I don’t want to want you, but I do.” He shifted his hips and his erection rubbed against her stomach. Everything inside her went hot and liquid. She whimpered. “It won’t be a hardship to fuck you, Krissa.” His crude words made her tummy flip. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“What are you worried about?”

“That’s the part I haven’t figured out yet,” he muttered. He brushed his mouth over hers again and stepped back, released her. She stood there, chest heaving, heart racing. She swallowed.

“Right now,” she whispered. “I want it right now.” More than anything. The intensity of her desire for Nate rushed over her and shocked her.

He stared back at her, breathing fast. “See. That’s the problem. We’re not supposed to want this. We’re supposed to be making a baby. Procreating. Artificial insemination without the artificial part.”

She choked on a laugh.

“This is supposed to be clinical and calculated. For one reason only—to get you pregnant.”

She pressed a hand to her quivering belly.

“It’s not supposed to fun. Or enjoyable. Or…hot.”

He put a hand on her cheek, cupped her face. She stared up at him.

“So, just tell me when and I’ll be there to do my duty.” He gave her his back and walked out. She stood there, a trembling mass of ragged nerves and aching yearning. She touched her lips as Nate walked away.

She sank onto a chair, sat there for a long time, eyes closed. What was she doing? She’d been acting strange ever since Derek proposed this crazy idea. She wanted it. She wanted Nate. She wanted the baby he could give her. But at what cost?

She stood up on shaky legs and went downstairs. Derek was running on the treadmill. Sweat glistened on his face.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked him.

He didn’t need to ask what she meant. “Why? Aren’t you?”

She hesitated. She had a hundred questions chasing each other through her mind but was almost afraid to ask them. Maybe she was afraid of the answers.

“You know I’ll do it if you want,” she said carefully. Of course he knew that. Their whole life was like that.

“But…?”

She shook her head. “I just want to make sure you’re okay with it. Because…you’re the one who…Derek, I’ll be having sex with another man.”

“I know, Krissa.” Derek’s feet pounded on the rubber mat of the treadmill in a solid rhythm. He swiped a hand across his forehead. Krissa sucked on her bottom lip, watched him run.

“Okay.”

She could have asked more questions, told Derek all her fears, but he clearly didn’t want to hear them. Fine.

That evening when she tested her urine, it showed a surge in her luteinizing hormone. She would ovulate in the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours.

Without thinking about it, she went first to find Nate. He sat in his dimly lit bedroom reading a book.

“Isn’t it hard to read in the dark?” she asked, leaning on the door frame of his room. He’d spread his things out around it, making it look completely different than the bare extra bedroom it had been before he’d arrived. She could even smell the difference—Nate’s musky after shave and his own unique scent. They’d bought the house with five bedrooms, anticipating the family they would eventually have.

“Yeah.” He closed the book. “But I’m bored out of my fucking mind and the only way I can read is if the light isn’t too bright.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

She sighed, stepped further into the room. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

He rubbed his eyes. Without his dark glasses he looked different. She’d gotten so used to seeing him with them on all the time. Without them, he looked…vulnerable. Her heart squeezed. She desperately wished there was something she could do to make it better for him. Instead, all she was doing was complicating his life.

“It’s not your fault,” he said.

“I know. I just feel bad.” Silence expanded between them. “I…uh…came to tell you that I’ll be ovulating in twenty-four hours.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“So, tomorrow night.”

“Yeah.” He shook his head. “It makes it weird, doesn’t it? When you have to plan it down to the minute?”

She nodded slowly. “Oh, yeah. You have no idea. We’ve been doing this for years.”

“Christ.”

She lifted her shoulders.

“Uh…where…?”

She inhaled slowly. “I don’t know.”

He tipped his head. “I think we need to have Derek in on this. Did you tell him?”

She blew out the breath she’d just taken in. “No.” Her first though had been Nate.

“Let’s go find him.” Nate tossed the book aside and swung his long legs to the floor. He wore a pair of plaid knee length shorts and nothing else. His abs rippled as he rose up, and her eyes moved from there to his broad, smooth chest, the flat brown discs of his nipples, the dark hair between.

“Okay. I think he’s out in the hot tub.”

“Great.”

She led the way through the house out onto the deck, the sky a deep midnight blue just after sunset, the mountains silhouetted blackly against it, the ocean the same hue as the sky. The lights of the oil rigs winked in the distance.

“Hey, buddy,” Nate said. Derek opened his eyes.

“Hey. Coming in?”

Nate glanced at Krissa. “Sure, why not?” His hands went to the button below his navel and her mouth went dry. Why would he bother with a swimsuit? After the other night, he was fully aware that they never bothered, and it was certain Derek was in there completely naked.

Nate’s back was to her as he slid the shorts down over his hips and thighs and stepped out of them. He wore no underwear. His broad back curved sleekly into two deep indentations just above his ass, which was tight and pale compared to the deep tan on the rest of his body. His long muscular legs carried him closer to the hot tub and he sat on the edge and swung them over and into the water.

He glanced over his shoulder and Krissa’s cheeks grew warm as he caught her staring at him. “Coming in, Krissa?”

She couldn’t do it. For the last two days, all she’d been thinking about was sex. She vibrated with it, ached for it, and getting in the hot tub with two gorgeous naked men would kill her. “No,” she choked. “Not tonight.”

Nate’s glance lingered on her, then he turned and slid into the churning water. She could just hear his sigh of pleasure above the motor of the spa, and it twisted something low inside her.

Krissa pulled up one of the cushioned wicker chairs closer to the tub. “We need to talk to you, Derek,” she said. Derek’s head jerked around.

“We?”

“Um.” Had that sounded bad? Like she and Nate had been plotting behind his back? “I did the ovulation test. It shows an LH surge.”

“Okay. That’s good.”

“Tomorrow night we need to…it’s a good time…”

“Yeah. Okay.” Derek stretched his arms out on either side of him along the rim of the tub. Krissa glanced at Nate.

“How do you want to do this, Derek?” Nate spoke up. “You need to be involved in this.”

She flashed Nate a grateful look. Derek nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“You should be there, with us,” Nate said quietly. Krissa’s tummy clenched. Could she do this?

If it would give her a baby, she’d do almost anything.

“Yeah,” Derek said again and she tried to reach his expression. He looked…excited.

Relief softened her body. If Derek was going to be tense about this, it would make it really difficult. Given his mild kink, it seemed he might actually be turned on by the whole thing.

Derek looked at her. “Okay, Krissa?”

She nodded, her fingers playing with the hem of her shorts. “Okay.”

Planning sex was weird, but necessary, although the lack of spontaneity did nothing to diminish Nate’s arousal. Christ, he’d been half hard for days.

All day, he and Krissa tiptoed around each other in the big house.

Every time they saw each other and their eyes met, heat flared and they both looked away. Krissa spent most of the day in her office, working at something on her computer, he didn’t know what, but around noon they’d met up in the kitchen, both hungry. She’d made sandwiches while he opened a bag of potato chips and fished pickles out of a jar. As they ate, the silence amplified and the heat intensified. He was excruciatingly aware of Krissa’s shiny dark hair, her soft skin, as usual much of it bared by the shorts and skimpy tank top she wore. His eyes lingered on her smooth thighs, her little bare toes with pink toenails. Would she wrap those legs around him? His dick twitched.

He eyed her hands, holding a glass of iced tea, small fingers with short, unpolished nails. Would she run those hands over his body? His gut quivered.

Would he get to kiss her?

He closed his mind to those kinds of thoughts. This wasn’t going to be like that. This would be sex like every other sexual encounter he’d had since Lauren had died. The only women he’d been with since then were women who lived in far-away places that he’d never see again. That was how he liked it. He didn’t want any emotional entanglement.

He and Krissa were attracted to each other. There was no denying the chemistry fizzing between them, pretty much since he’d arrived back in California.

They wanted his sperm and he could do that. Hell, sleeping with Krissa was no hardship, he’d admitted that, but it would be nothing more than a sperm donation. It was all he could handle emotionally. It was all he deserved.

He looked up and caught her staring at him, and her eyes quickly shifted away.

“Krissa.”

“Yes?”

He didn’t know what to say, just wanted to connect with her. “We’re friends, right?”

She nodded, wide eyed.

“I don’t want this to change that.”

Raw emotion softened her face. Her bottom lip quivered adorably. “It won’t.”

But they both knew it would. They both knew nothing was ever going to be the same. Sexual energy shimmered between them, a longing, an aching need, a searing fear.

“Fuck, we should just do it right now and get it over with,” he muttered.

“We have to wait for Derek.”

“I know.”

“And what do you mean by get it over with? Is it going to be that bad?”

He started to vehemently protest but then he saw the glint in her green eyes and closed his mouth. He looked at her. “That’s not what I meant at all,” he finally said mildly. “I meant I’m so goddamn hard just thinking about it, if I’m not inside you soon I’m going to come in my shorts.”

Her eyes widened and he heard the soft intake of breath. He’d spoken crudely and he recognized it as the feeble attempt it was to hide the fact that more than just lust was making him hard. What it was, exactly, he preferred not to analyze just then.

“I think I’d better get back to my office,” Krissa said, her voice thick. She stood and picked up her plate and empty glass and took them over to the dishwasher.

“I’ll clean up,” Nate said. “I’ve got nothing else to do. You go back to work.”

She disappeared without another word and he suspected her rush to get away from him was the same reason he wanted to get it over with—if she didn’t, they’d end up screwing on the kitchen floor.

He considered going to his room and jacking off, but from what little he knew, he needed to keep his sperm count high and that was not the way to do it.

He groaned out loud and put a hand to his aching cock. By tonight he’d be so out of his mind, this whole thing was going to last about two seconds.

“What’s with the candles?” Derek asked, tugging his shirt out of the waistband of his pants. She’d lit candles all around the bedroom, scenting the air with ginger and peach. She hoped the glow of them was soft enough not to hurt Nate’s eyes. She didn’t want him to do this with glasses on.

“I-I want it to be nice,” she told him. He paused. He gave her a look and it tugged at her heart. “Derek.” She crossed over to him and put her hands on his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” He slid his arms around her and they stood for a moment, hugging. She squeezed him tightly, pressed her face to his chest.

“Are you sure about this?” she whispered.

He moved his head in a nod. “Yeah. I’m sure. There’s no one else in the world I’d do this with. Just Nate.”

“Me too.”

She drew back and he bent his head and kissed her mouth. She was so primed and sexually on edge that his kiss melted her inside. Then he stepped away and disappeared into the bathroom.

Krissa climbed onto the bed. They’d all agreed their king-size bed was the best place to do this. She sat in the middle of it, legs to one side, hands clasped in her lap. She wore a white silk chemise. It was sexy but not slutty. She had no idea why it even mattered, but she’d deliberated for a good half hour over what to wear. Foolish girl.

She looked down at herself. Her nipples poked against the thin silk, the low V revealing the curves of her breasts. She put one hand over a breast and cupped its softness though the silk. She closed her eyes.

And waited.

Then Nate appeared in the door, still fully clothed.

“Hi.” He stopped, looked at her. She met his gaze, didn’t move.

“Hi. Come in.”

He walked into the room, looked around. “Whoa. Candles.”

“Is it okay? I didn’t want too much light to hurt your eyes.”

“Oh.” He slid the glasses off, waited. “Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Good.”

Derek emerged from the bathroom wearing only his boxer shorts. One corner of his mouth quirked up as his and Nate’s eyes met. They shared a smile and Krissa’s heart swelled. It was okay. It would be okay.

She studied the two men as Nate began to remove his clothing. Nate was an inch or so taller than Derek, but both men were gorgeous in their own way—Derek’s blond hair cut short and businesslike, his tan a paler gold than Nate’s darker skin. Nate’s longish hair looked thick and soft. They were both lean and muscled, perfect male bodies, wide shoulders and hips narrowing to slim waist and hips.

Nate kept his underwear on, like Derek, soft black cotton boxer briefs that hugged his erection. There was no hiding it in those shorts.

Krissa’s breathing quickened. She wanted them both. She cared about them both. Tonight she and Nate would have sex, but she’d make sure Derek knew how important he was in all this.

Derek went around to the side of the bed where he always slept and Nate sat down on the other side.

“Okay,” Nate said. “Let’s do it. Lay down, Krissa.”

Taken aback, she did as he asked, tugging down the duvet and sliding under it. The sheets were cool on her heated skin. She laid her head on the pillow and looked at him.

He pulled the corner of the duvet aside and climbed into the bed with her. His body heat enveloped her, his weight dipped the bed and she shifted toward him. She felt him fumbling under the covers. He was pushing off his underwear.

Her stomach clenched painfully, to the point of nausea. Her throat tightened. He shifted his feet under the duvet, presumable pushing the underwear the rest of the way off. His fingers gripped her hip.

She swallowed painfully, wanted to touch him, but fear paralyzed her. This wasn’t what she’d imagined.

He pushed her flat on her back, moved over her. He kneed her legs apart and grasped his cock. He was going to push into her in two seconds.

Tears stung her eyes and she squeezed them closed. She felt the prod of his penis at her entrance, a pinching, a nudge of his knee on her thigh. A sob tore from her throat. She put her hands on his chest, pushed at him. He stopped, looked down at her.

“Stop.” She choked on a sob. “Stop.” She shoved him again, rolled from under him and scrambled out of the bed. She stood there on trembling legs, still wearing the silk gown, a hand covering her mouth. She tried to find control over her shaking throat so she could speak, but then the tears poured and sobbing, she turned and fled into the bathroom.