Lost Dreams (6 page)

I wandered around the store and discovered the baby clothes in one section. They were so incredibly small and cute. I couldn’t wait to come back here for my own baby. I was so looking forward to Carter's return, I wanted to make babies with him and couldn't wait to be pregnant with his child. It was on my mind all the time nowadays, a fervent desire to start a family. I knew I was more than ready.

When I found Megan and Juliet, they were looking at t-shirts to pair with Juliet's leggings. I let them do their thing, in all honesty, I didn’t know how I could possibly help them. It was obvious mother and daughter shared a strong bond, Megan was very patient with her daughter, listening to what she thought and wanted.

That night, when I went to bed I was utterly exhausted. I didn’t even have to take a sleeping pill. Once I was settled under the sheets, I thought about how good my day had been.

Megan had given me so much today. More than just fashion advice, she had given me my confidence and self-esteem back. I'd spent the last decade of my life in a world where fashion didn’t have a place, a world where I was used to wearing black combat boots and Army camouflage. There had been no place for sexiness or looking feminine. I had been in a man's world and at the time, I'd absolutely adored it.

My shopping day with Megan seemed like the beginning of a new chapter. I had to catch up on all those years and be proud of who I had become.

I drifted off into a deep sleep, happy and truly contented for the first time since Carter's departure. Next thing I knew, my body was covered in sweat and my heart was pounding. I was awakened by the nightmare of grenades and gunfire and I saw familiar flashes of light before my eyes before I managed to drag myself back to reality.

"Shit!" I exclaimed when I recognized I was in our bedroom and not in the middle of a war zone. "Damn it," I cried.

It took several minutes before I could breathe evenly again. The nightmare was so real, I could hear the guys screaming my name and rushing to retrieve me. I should have known better than to miss taking my medication. The end result of going without the tablets was that I was alone in the darkness, crying and desperately trying to block the visions I'd seen in my head. They seemed so real, a nightmarish repeat of my near-fatal accident. Not only did I have physical scars as a reminder, I felt certain the mental scars would haunt me for years to come.

I dried my tears with the back of my hand and got up to take the medication. I wanted to have a positive attitude, but nothing would erase the images I carried in my mind. I had to learn to deal with them, something Carter had reinforced hundreds of times. Today had been wonderful, but I knew I had to find a way to use happy memories to diffuse the bad, and make my life better.

B
eing deployed in Iraq was nothing new to me. I had already spent over eighteen months here on different operations. This time, it was hard not to be with Avery. It was only me and Carter and I was missing Avery. Avery was a great leader and her good-natured spirit was definitely missing around here. Only men were in the Special Forces. Being with her during our last deployment was a lucky break, when the Special Forces were teamed up with regular soldiers.

Carter had moped around for the first two weeks, but one day he'd woken up and was back to his old self. I thought it had something to do with Ave, because he kept reading a letter he'd received from her the day before.

It was a good thing she had the power to kick his ass in a letter, because I'd been about to do it for her. When you're on a mission, you have to be there one hundred percent, or you become a dead-weight on your fellow soldiers and it can end badly. I didn’t want that for him, myself, or anyone else on this mission.

Early this morning, we heard some of our friends died when their convoy was hit by two roadside bombs. The driver had died instantly and two other guys died later from their injuries. We had been deployed with them in Afghanistan a few years ago. It was devastating, even more so as they were all husbands and fathers. I was trying to go on with my day normally, but the pain and sadness was nearly overwhelming.

If I was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be leaving a wife or kid behind. I was sure Carter and Avery would be sad to lose me but at least I wouldn’t tear apart the life of a family.

This being our last deployment, I was beginning to think of trying to meet someone. I didn't want to stay alone all my life. My heart had been broken before and it still hurt at times but I had to move on. I needed to do it for my own sanity because even though I'd been hurt before, I believed in my heart that the right girl was out there somewhere.

I didn’t know where I was going to live when my days in Special Forces ended. I was used to North Carolina but I missed living in South Carolina with my family. I thought I might consider somewhere by the beach or maybe even move to a big city like New York.

My mind wouldn’t shut down, I had all these whirling thoughts about the future, my plans and the loss of my friends. Military life wasn’t easy, everybody knew that. I was under a lot of stress with the recent deaths and injuries amongst my friends. We'd heard of two attacks already and never knew when our turn would come.

My back had been more painful than usual, our equipment was heavy and I had a lumbar sprain not too long ago. I was dreaming about having a massage, knowing it would help with the pain, but right now, the only thing which would subdue the constant ache were painkillers. I'd been taking them on daily basis and knew they were slowly losing their effect.

Carter and Patrick were playing cards and seemed to be having a good time while I just laid in bed. In the past, this would have been where Ave would sit beside me and she would talk about everything and anything.

I missed her.

Hey girl,

I think this must be the longest period of time we've ever gone through without talking to one another. I hope you're doing well and adjusting to being on your own. I heard from Carter that you've been hanging out with Megan, that’s great news. She's a cool girl and I think she would be a good friend for you.

Here, it's the same shit, different day. Our missions are a bit more stressful due to the recent attacks, which I think Carter mentioned to you. I'm finding it tougher to deal with this time around, everything just seems harder to cope with.

To be honest, I’m writing you to thank you. I don't know what the fuck you wrote to Carter, but since he received it he must have read it a hundred times and he's back to normal. It was exactly what we needed. You know as well as I do, as Master Sergeant, he can't just mope around all day. Again, from me and the rest of the boys, thank you.

Write back if you feel like it. I would love to know how your new life is going.

Remy

P.S. Write back even if you don't feel like it.

I addressed the letter and gave it to the guy in charge of sending out our mail. I knew Avery wouldn’t receive it any time soon, but it didn't matter. I was missing my good friend and her kick-ass attitude and sending a letter to her had improved my day.

Tonight was a free night, we were off-duty, with no patrols scheduled. I was going to try and catch up on some sleep, which was wishful thinking on my part because I was a lousy sleeper nowadays. I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder since I'd seen Avery nearly get killed. I was feet away from her when the bomb went off, watched in horror as her body was thrown into the air and then crashed to the ground. I heard her screams and ran to her as fast as I could. Avery wasn’t in the Special Forces but during that deployment, we'd been teamed up with regular soldiers.

When I got to her, I'd never seen her look so lost and scared. As she lay there, so badly injured, she kept repeating ''Save me, Remy, save me.'' It was the hardest moment of my life. I knew she was in pain from the moan which escaped her mouth. She passed out before Carter reached us and thank God for that, because he would have freaked out even more than he did. When he first saw her, he thought she was dead and it took a lot of reassurance to convince him she wasn't.

We made sure she wasn’t losing any blood. We made sure she wasn't bleeding, by searching across her body and limbs thoroughly for signs of blood. There wasn't any signs of red on her uniform, so we assumed her injuries were internal. I was on the verge of going crazy and so was Carter. We rushed her out of the danger zone and brought her back to safe ground where the medics could start working on her, because it makes the segue from the bombing to the waiting for news smoother.

That night was the worst of my existence. We had to wait for news about her injuries and I couldn't sleep until I knew she was safe. I stayed awake for over forty hours after the bombing, unable to sleep because I was so worried about Avery. Carter was a mess; the boys and I did our best to keep his spirits up. The following day, Ave was flown out of the war zone to receive more intensive treatment for her injuries.

Being in Special Forces meant that sooner or later, our people would get hurt or killed It wouldn't happen to everyone, but we knew some of us wouldn't make it home, or would return home and not be the same person who'd left. Unfortunately, that night it was Avery's bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. We also lost two of our team when they were killed instantly by the bomb which injured Avery. It was a terrible night for everyone.

My mind had been permanently scarred by the sound of Avery's screams and the look of terror on her face. Ever since the event, I kept having nightmares and suffering anxiety attacks. I had a new medication to take for the anxiety, it worked up to a certain point, but it wasn’t strong enough to keep the anxiety entirely at bay. The anxiety seemed like a living, breathing entity and it had more control over my body than I did.

I was just happy that Ave was still with us. Carter thanked me hundreds of times for watching over her after the bombing. I was proud of myself but...

I would never have let her die. It just wasn't an option.

T
he night had finally come when the boys and I were scheduled to start our mission. I placed one of our wedding photos in my chest pocket and headed out to the convoy. I kept Avery with me in any way I could. I missed her terribly and I didn’t want to admit it, but I was counting the days till I returned home. Our intelligence team had advised us of enemy encampments and we had to confront them. We'd spent two days on reconnaissance to prepare for this. I wasn’t nervous, I knew we were going to get this right and control the insurgent problem. I had to be optimistic. Nothing was easy in the Special Forces, but we were strong and had trained to be the best of the best.

Remy and I were still discussing the plan on the way to our destination. We had planned a direct-action raid against known high-value targets, based on the intelligence we'd received. We were going to get this done easily.

When we arrived, there was not a sound in the immediate area. If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed we were alone out there. We entered an abandoned building and heard noises coming from upstairs. We could hear at least two people running across the wooden floors. My men and I had walked up the stairs when we heard gunfire coming from our left side. We lowered ourselves to the ground and prepared our weapons. I had an M-A Carbine, but I had to admit I wasn’t expecting to get fired at quite so soon. If there was one thing I had learned in the army, it was plan for the worst and hope for the best. The Special Forces were normally very quick at completing their missions. Most of the time, the enemy hadn't even noticed our presence before it was all over. We were really good; twelve guys striving for one goal - the protection of our nation.

My heart was beating rapidly, but I trusted the team and knew we were going to take control of the situation. A few rapid fire-fights occurred in the first few minutes after our arrival, but we had soon taken control and subdued the enemy. We ensured the building was cleared before we departed. It had been a good day - nobody was hurt from our team and we all got to go back to camp.

When we arrived back, the sun was close to rising and exhaustion was setting in. I wanted to rest for at least a few hours. I needed it.

On my bunk, I found a letter from Avery. I opened it excitedly and inhaled the scent of her perfume. She had sprayed it on the pages and it nearly drove me wild. God, I missed her so much. Inside the folded letter was another envelope and Avery had written on the front that I was to open it after reading her letter. She had piqued my curiosity.

Hey baby,

I don’t know if you'll recognize me when you return because something amazing happened to me. Megan! I went shopping with her and Juliet and she helped me choose some new clothes. We took some photos for you. I hope you like them.

It's amazing to discover the difference new clothes can make. I feel good, I feel feminine. It's like I'm discovering my own body, what my personality is really like after so long where I lived and breathed the Army. It's a new life and I can't wait to have you back at home, with me.

I miss you and hope you are doing well. Say hi to Remy for me.

Your wife and shining star,

Avery xxx

I opened the second envelope and there she was, wearing short little skirts. I discovered photos of Avery in leopard prints, colorful tops and cute little shoes. I always knew she was beautiful, but seeing her like this was unbelievable. She looked happy and sexy and I was a very happy man. She was giving me the boost I needed, the strength to continue my deployment over here. A few more months and I would be able to hold her in my arms again. Looking over the photos again, I grew teary over how much I missed her.

There was a dozen photos and one of them was a close up. She was smiling and wore some subtle make-up. She was sitting on our front porch and looked fantastic. It felt so good to see her like this. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted her to enjoy life and it seemed she was really beginning to do that.