Lost Dreams (17 page)

''Probably Afghanistan... around a week from now. It's all I can tell you. It won't be a dangerous mission, we're going there to help mostly, not fight.''

''Remy Taylor, you know how this is! You may not want to fight, but some people won't like you being there. You know that!'' My voice was harsh and cold, my heart sinking deep in the black water of grief. He didn’t owe me anything, I knew that, but one thing remained certain. I didn’t want him to die.

''Avery, look at me, please.'' He waited, and when I didn't move, he spoke again. ''Avery, please. Look at me... now.'' I finally gave in and lifted my gaze to his. ''I know exactly what you're thinking, so please stop torturing yourself. I won't die. I will come back here, just like I always have. I promised Carter I would take of you, and I'm going to keep that promise.''

''Do you realize how hard this is for me? Out of the three of us, I was hurt, Carter died... The probabilities aren't really looking good. I could have died too!'' It was a low blow. He had witnessed the bombing when I got my injuries, and he'd watched Carter die. ''I'm sorry, Remy, but this is getting harder every time. I don’t want to lose you and I want you here in one piece.''

He sighed and looked at his hands. Remy was speechless, which was a rare thing. ''I'll be careful, Ave, like I always am,'' he finally said.

The worst part of this situation was that I knew he would. I was acting like we were a married couple, yet we were only friends and I had no right to treat him like this. ''I'm sorry, Remy, I shouldn't have said what I did. I've got no right to an opinion and I know you'll be careful... you do what you've gotta do.''

''I'll be back Avery, I will come back.''

We didn’t talk much for the rest of dinner. I finished my meal, even though I wasn’t really hungry. When Remy was done eating, he placed his dishes in the dishwasher and left the house, saying he needed some fresh air. I felt terrible. I'd acted as if he was my husband, but he wasn’t. Idiot. I hated myself.

I ran a bath and relaxed for a while. To be honest, I stayed in the bathtub until I heard Remy return. He turned on the TV and I felt better. I wondered when I had become so selfish. Remy and I have been friends for a long time, but he had a right to have his own life. I should have supported his decision, instead of assuming he would die or get hurt. I had to tell him I was sorry, that it wasn’t my place to judge his choices. I got out of the bath and pulled on Carter's old t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants. I had to find the right words to say, I'd hurt him, of that I was certain. When I saw him in the living room, he was sitting on the floor, his back against the couch and he was watching a football game. He didn’t notice me when I first walked in.

''Remy.'' My voice was shaky. ''I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier. I thought about everything I said and I had no rights to say any of it. I know you love what you do, and I should be supporting you, instead of automatically assuming you're going to get hurt.'' The words came out easier than I'd thought they would. His first reaction was to turn down the TV volume and secondly, he stood up and walked across to me.  Thirdly, he drew me into his arms for a warm hug.

''I know, Ave, it's okay. I understand where you're coming from.'' He smiled. ''I care about you, too. I find it hard to leave, but it is my job.''

I nodded, I knew how he felt.

''Are we good?'' he asked.

''We are.''

''Do you want to watch the game with me?'' he casually asked.

I had other things in mind. ''Actually, I want to take a look at the photos I took today. I can sit with you, if you'd like'' I was pretty excited about seeing them, to be honest.

''Sure! Well, I mean, it's your house.''

Yeah, he was right. It was my house, but time was running out. I had to find myself a new place and I also needed to start packing. Maybe I should start searching for a place when Remy left, that way, it'd keep me busy. ''I'll miss this place, I like it here.''

''You still have time, stay here as long as you can. No need to rush.'' Remy was right, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be a homeless at the end of the 180 days. I needed to do something about it.

''Wait until I get back, that way I can help you. I don't want you to move into a shitty place. At least, if I’m here, I'll be able to help if you need to fix a few things.''

It made sense. Maybe I was just rushing into things. ''Maybe you're right. I'll take a look at what's available around the area, but I won't make a decision just yet.''

''Good girl.'' He sounded like my father.

I collected my computer and camera, and loaded the pictures. As I suspected, they were genuinely good. I did a nice job for a debutante and I couldn’t wait to show them to Megan. She and Juliet had the same eyes and smile, they were both beautiful. I snapped a few shots of Remy. The first ones were serious and the last ones were just him goofing around. We had a good time. It felt good to change the mood from dinner.

I liked having him around, this place was about to feel lonely again.

I
left Avery this morning. She tried hard not to cry, but when she hugged me goodbye, I felt her heart pounding on my chest. Avery held back her tears and I knew she did it for me. I told her I didn’t want to see her sad and worried on my departure day. I would return in one piece, I knew it. I had my brother watching over me.

The plane was quiet, most of the guys were sleeping. We had to be up at 2am, the flight was taking off at 4am. Last night, Ave and Megan had planned a surprise dinner for Patrick and I, some of our buddies came along too. The house suddenly felt small, we had exceeded the maximum capacity of the small house but the smile on Ave's face was worth it. She loved being around people. She and Megan had planned the meal and prepared cupcakes, which Juliet had decorated. They did a great job. To me, it made the whole thing easier, I've always hated goodbyes. We had a nice party instead of feeling melancholy.

Of course, Avery made me promise to call, email and send letters by mail before I left, but she did that every time. I knew it was driving her crazy, not knowing what was going on. In the Special Forces, we had to stay quiet about our activities, but Avery had a protective side in her and as long as she had some news, she knew we were fine. Otherwise, it would drive her crazy.

Avery had given me an envelope, just as I was about to board the plane. From the weight of the package, I knew it wasn’t just a simple letter. Sitting in the airplace, I placed it between my legs. The envelope pressed against my right calf. Ave had me curious. I finally took it and peeked inside. There was a letter of course, and two note pads. Why two? I wondered. I emptied the envelope and put the letter aside. I grabbed the first pad and opened it with a smile. ‘Soldier, write your thoughts down if you feel lonely’. This time, she really had managed to touch my heart. Chances were I was going to be a little lonely without Carter around. It was a first in my career. The second pad felt heavier, and when I opened it, words failed me. She had put together a photo album.  At the top of the first page, she had written 'Photos are worth a thousand words'. The first pages were from our Christmas dinner. There were photographs of her, Megan, Patrick and myself. I looked really miserable and Avery did too. I remember Megan taking the photos, Avery didn’t have her camera at the time. The following pages were filled with photos from her smart phone, she loved taking candid shots. I never noticed her putting this together. The page I enjoyed the most was from her afternoon at the beach, she'd put photos of the ocean, a couple of selfies and a picture of the surf shop we went to, back before her wedding. Surfing was a good memory for me, we had so much fun at the beach. Every time we went, it was memorable. I enjoyed each page, but the last one had me in fucking tears. She'd found one of the first photos we had taken together, Carter, Ave and I. We were all so young. It was taken ten years ago. Good old times. I missed my brother so freaking much.

I hated long flights, I had been sitting for over five hours already and we still had a long ride ahead. I placed the note pad and album in my backpack and tried to get some sleep. No doubt about it, I was exhausted.

When we arrived at our destination, it was night time already. The night's darkness made it even harder to feel any motivation. I had overslept in the plane and felt too groggy to do any good. We were driven to camp, it was a long drive along bumpy roads. In moments like this, it was easy to miss home. I wasn't settled yet, and I acted like a grumpy old man. I sat by myself in the back of the truck.

We had two new guys on our team. So far, they seemed fine, but I simply had a hard time accepting one of them was replacing Cart. It sucked and made me miss him even more. It had been a little over a month since the attack and it was still haunting me. I never expected it to stop affecting me. We were supposed to demand our release after our last deployment, but after what happened, it felt like I had unfinished business to deal with, so I'd decided to do one last tour in his honor.

At the camp, everyone was talking and joking. I couldn't. I was in a strange mood and I think they all noticed. Half of myself seemed to be missing, I couldn't breathe right. I went to what I'd decided would be my bunk for the whole duration of my stay. I unpacked a few things and sat on the bunk, doing nothing, but thinking about everything. I came across Ave's letter and decided now was the time to read it.

Hey Soldier,

I wonder how long you waited before you read my letter. I hope you've made it to your destination by now.

It's going to be a short letter. I'm going to get straight to the point. Look into your heart, you will find him and an infinite amount of strength. Be the fierce soldier you always were, he will guide you through anything.

Write me back or call as soon as you can.

Avery xx

This girl should be a writer, or a motivator speaker. She had it in her. A couple of words strung together and I was already feeling better and motivated. I read it a couple more times, because I needed it. The extra push that would keep me going forward. I was allowed to miss Carter, but it wasn’t fair to the others if I wasn’t 100% into it.

That night, I fell asleep thinking about the deployment. I wanted to have a good experience while I was here. The guys surrounding me were good people and friends. I had to be the best soldier I could be. My sleep was filled with nightmares. I kept waking up in cold sweats, my imagination playing games on me. I was hearing gunfire, as if weapons were being fired just feet away from me. I had flashbacks to my last mission with Cart and relived parts of Ave's bombing attack. A night like this one was painfully hard to deal with, both physically and mentally. My body was tense and on alert, while my brain was spinning with anxiety. It was Hell on Earth. I knew the next day would get off to a rough start. Nightmares are exhausting.

Even if I was tired and wished I could stay in bed, it wasn’t an option here. I got up and trained hard. Trying to wake every muscles in my body was hard but I felt better once I was done. I took a shower before our first team meeting. The reason for our presence was different from the last couple of deployments. We were here to help the citizens. It should be both interesting and satisfying.

It was good to be with Patrick, we were teamed together for some tasks. We had gotten closer during the past month. Megan and Avery were spending a lot of time together and since I stayed with Avery most of the time, I saw him quite often. He's a nice guy, a bit serious, but after a couple of beers or a glass of wine he loosens up.

During our meeting, they talked a little about Carter but I remained silent. I didn’t want to get too involved in the conversation and end up getting hurt. I had worked hard mentally to be in a good mood today, and I didn’t want to ruin that with guilt or regret.

In the afternoon, we were set to go out on an approach mission. See how the people were functioning around here, and how we could help them. We're going to meet with their foreign troops. We all wanted the same thing, which was to reinstate peace and create a safer environment. This country had been affected by war and the citizens were all apprehensive. I was excited about the prospect. I wanted to be able to make a difference to the world and I thought this was my chance.

R
unning every morning for the past few weeks has done me a lot of good. I've lost the weight I'd gained during the holidays. I also have a tendency to eat more sweets when I’m sad and I wasn't just sad, I was completely broken.

Last Tuesday, I started helping in a daycare, three times a week for five hours. With Juliet around, I'd realized I enjoyed working with kids. With Juliet, at least. It was a very demanding job, so much different than the Army. Both were demanding, in their own way. I wasn’t scared of being caught in the middle of a bombing, all I had to do now was make sure the kids were happy and being taken care of.

The owner of the daycare was named Liam. He was a nice, blonde-haired man in his mid-thirties. He was charming and had a good sense of humor. They were pretty much the only things I knew about him.

I had plenty of things to do today. Juliet and Megan were out on a mother-and-daughter day. They were both getting their hair cut and having a manicure. I thought it was the cutest thing I'd ever heard of. I wanted to visit Carter at the cemetery, take him a nice bouquet of roses and talk to him about things which were on my mind. I was still struggling on a daily basis, and it was even harder with Remy gone, but I was doing everything I could to keep busy and it helped.

After my usual morning routine, I went to the florist and bought a nice bouquet of blue roses. There was nothing natural about blue roses, but I thought they looked great. Blue was Carter's favorite color. My car was parked at the entrance to the cemetery and I walked slowly amongst the markers until I reached his white gravestone. Sadly, it was only my third visit and the emotions I felt angered me. I hated that life had to take him away from me. He was my hero, and he should have come back home. Tears slid down my cheeks and I looked up at the sky, trying to calm down. Anger wouldn’t bring him back. I had to move forward and I should be grateful for what I had. Carter did well during his ten years in the Army, he'd served his country the best way he could. He'd died doing something he loved. I placed the roses on the grass in front of the gravestone, and sat down next to them. For a long time I was quiet, trying to clear all the anger from my mind. Life didn’t have a place for negative energy. I whispered to Carter that I loved him and missed him. I told him about my new part-time job. How fun and entertaining it was, but how it drained my energy. I hadn’t worked in over a year, needed some time to get used to it. I shouldn't be too hard on myself.