Lost Angel (3 page)

‘Can…can I wear trousers?’

‘Well, yes, I suppose so, but I don’t know how we’ll get hold of any.’

‘Get hold of what?’ Gertie asked, catching the tail end of the conversation as she stepped inside.

‘Like you, Ellen wants to wear trousers.’

‘That won’t be a problem. I’ve got an old sewing
machine and we can soon knock her up a couple of pairs. You’ll need some too, Hilda.’

‘Me! No, I don’t think so.’

‘We’ll see. Now then, have you put the kettle on the range?’ she asked brusquely.

‘I was just about to do it.’

‘Get a move on, and you, Ellen, can lay the table for dinner.’

‘Gertie, you haven’t changed and sound as bossy as ever,’ Hilda said, giggling as she added, ‘Talk about a school mistress. What next? If we don’t behave, will you give us the cane?’

Gertie at first looked shocked, but then she too began to laugh. ‘Oh, Hilda, I really am glad you’re here.’

‘Can…can we have our dinner now?’ a small voice said.

‘Yes, all right,’ Gertie agreed, ‘and tomorrow I’ll show you how to collect eggs for our breakfast.’ ‘Where’s your dog?’

‘He’s been cooped up in here while I went to fetch you, but once we’ve eaten you can call him in again. I’ve a cat too, but Wilfred’s a tom and is mostly off roaming.’

‘Wh…what else have you got?’ Ellen asked eagerly.

‘Two pigs and a goat.’

Hilda saw her daughter’s delight and smiled. It was going to be all right, and she was sure that
bringing Ellen here had been the right decision. Ellen would recover and enjoy exploring the countryside. And I’ll be fine too, Hilda decided, yet there was no way that Gertie was going to get her into trousers.

During the next five months Hilda saw a huge change in her daughter. Ellen’s stammer disappeared, and, though they were both still grieving, the horrors of living in London during the Blitz soon seemed far away. Instead of an air raid siren, they now woke up to the sound of birdsong and Gertie’s cockerel.

The only school was on the other side of the village and, as it was a long way to go, Gertie was tutoring Ellen at home. At first she had missed the company of other children, but once spring had arrived and the skeletal trees burst into new growth, Ellen had become totally enamoured with the countryside. When not having lessons or helping out on the smallholding, she spent hours roaming the woods, bringing home all sorts of things – bugs, bluebells and other wildflowers – all of which Gertie would identify for her. Gertie also showed her how to press the flowers and leaves
before carefully placing them in albums, and, for Ellen, a love of nature was born. Hilda’s smile was wry when she thought about her daughter’s new passion. She couldn’t feel the same. Yes, it was safe here, but she hated living in such total isolation. Gertie didn’t have a wireless, so the only news they got was when they made the hour-long trip to the village. She kept in touch by letter with Mabel and had received shocking news. Mabel’s house had been structurally damaged during a bombing raid, but thankfully she hadn’t been hurt. Mabel had then had a stroke of luck when, through the grapevine, she’d found a private landlord who offered her a flat in Clapham. It seemed that Mabel loved it there, and, not only that, it was an area that so far had been barely touched by bombs.

It made Hilda realise how lucky they were to have left Battersea, though she still wasn’t keen on working outdoors. Thankfully Gertie always mucked out the pigs, though that still left the back-breaking work of digging for spring planting. If she had news of Doug it would be something, but though she’d sent him a letter with her new address, so far there had been no reply. God, she missed him so much, prayed he was safe, and for a moment tears stung her eyes. Britain had lost so many vessels, so many seamen, and Hilda lived in constant fear of hearing that his ship had been sunk. Inadvertently her hand rose to clutch the crucifix.

‘Hilda, I know you only wear that thing because it belonged to your mother, but when you’re miles away you always seem to hold it,’ commented Gertie. ‘I thought that, like me, you’d had enough religion rammed down your throat.’

‘I have, especially after the way your father turned on you. What happened to all that stuff he used to spout about not judging others lest you be judged?’

‘Try telling him that.’

Hilda shuddered, remembering her childhood fear and awe of Gertie’s father. The man had been almost maniacal in his preaching, and it had been enough to turn her off going to church for life.

‘Gertie, can we go to the village today?’

‘There’s no need to go every week and I’d rather get the rest of the potatoes in, along with cabbage and carrots. There’s the salad crop too and tomatoes to bring on in the greenhouse.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Gertie, give it a break. I’m worried about Doug and there might be a letter.’

‘This is a busy time of year and if I don’t plant, I don’t eat. I know I’ve preserved fruit from last year, made jam and pickles, but I need to sell produce to buy flour, meat, and anything else I can’t grow.’

‘It still seems strange to think of you making jam.’

‘I hate it, hate any kind of cooking, but needs must.’

‘Before we came I had no idea how much land you had. How on earth have you managed on your own?’

‘I had a lad of fourteen working for me, but once conscription started labour became short. He found a job earning more than I could possibly pay him, and since then it’s been impossible to find hired help. I had to cut down on planting, but now you’ve arrived we’ve managed to start a lot more off.’

‘Yeah, and I’ve done my best to muck in, but I’m really worried about Doug. I haven’t heard from him yet, and if you take me to the village I promise I’ll really get stuck in again when we get back.’

‘If you’d only learn to handle Ned you could go on your own.’

‘He hates me.’

‘Hilda, he’s a horse and just needs firm hands on the reins.’

‘I was firm, but the sod wouldn’t move.’

Gertie shook her head with obvious disgust, but Hilda tried a winning smile. It was all right for Gertie. She was happy living like a virtual recluse, but for Hilda it was becoming more and more difficult. She missed her friends, the bustle of London, and if only the Luftwaffe would stop dropping bombs she’d go back like a shot.

‘Please, Gertie.’

‘Oh, all right. I need to see the butcher so might as well do that, but I’m not hanging about while you waste time gossiping with the locals again.’

Hilda smiled with delight as she went to the bottom of the stairs to call Ellen. They shared a bedroom under the eaves, snuggled up in a huge, lumpy, iron-framed bed.

‘Ellen, Ellen, come on, get up.’

‘Another one,’ Ellen said when she finally appeared, her hands cupped around a catch.

Hilda shuddered as she backed away. That was another thing she hated, the huge spiders that regularly appeared in their bedroom and the rest of the cottage.

‘Is it one of them whoppers?’

‘Yes, a tree spider,’ Ellen said as she walked over to the back door.

‘Hurry up! Get it out of here before you drop it.’

‘Honestly, Hilda,’ said Gertie, ‘anyone would think you’ve never seen a spider before. You should be used to them by now and there are plenty of spiders in London.’

‘Yes, but not those bloody great hairy things.’

‘They won’t hurt you,’ Gertie said as she opened the back door for Ellen and the spider was dispatched.

Hilda’s cheeks puffed with relief, the insect soon forgotten as she began to boil eggs for their breakfast. She was anxious to go and as soon as they’d
eaten she chivvied Ellen to get ready, while Gertie went to get the horse from the small field.

Just getting the horse and cart harnessed took ages and it drove Hilda mad but, knowing better than to complain, she just smiled gratefully at Gertie when at last they set off. It was a nice morning with hardly a cloud in the sky and just a slight nip in the air. ‘Oh, Gertie, I hope there’s a letter.’

‘Stop worrying. If anything had happened to Doug you’d have heard.’

‘I haven’t got a clue where he is, what ocean, where he’s headed. I think he tried to tell me in his last letter, but it was so heavily censored with line after line blacked out that it was unreadable.’

‘How did he end up in the navy?’

‘As soon as the war started he couldn’t wait to get to a recruitment office. He said he didn’t fancy the army with all the foot slogging, so volunteered for the navy.’

‘What does he do?’

‘He’s a stoker and I’ve been allotted most of his pay, but I don’t know why the silly bugger was so quick to enlist.’

‘Mum, you sweared,’ Ellen protested.

‘Swore,’ Gertie corrected.

Hilda smiled ruefully as she ruffled her daughter’s hair. ‘Yeah, well, this war is enough to
make a saint swear – not that I want to hear you using bad language.’

Ellen leaned against her. Hilda’s mind was full of her husband. When they met she had fallen for his tall, dark good looks and twinkling blue eyes. Doug had been a milkman before the war, up at the crack of dawn, out in all weathers, but nothing had seemed to get him down and he always had a ready smile. Ellen took after him, and every time Hilda looked at her daughter she could see her husband. She longed to see him, and though Hilda knew that she and Doug looked odd together – him six foot tall and her under five – she didn’t care. She loved Doug, missed him so much and cursed this bloody war. His letters had been fairly regular until now, but then this gap had come and she was worried sick.

At last the village came into view and, pulling on the reins, Gertie said, ‘Whoa, Ned,’ as she brought the horse to a stop outside the general store-cum-post office.

Gertie had hardly tethered Ned before Hilda was hurrying inside, thankful to find she was the only customer.

‘Is there any mail for me?’ she asked eagerly.

‘No, I’m sorry, there’s nothing,’ Mrs Brandon, the elderly postmistress said.

Hilda sagged with disappointment, but as Ellen rushed into the shop she managed to hide her feelings.

‘Is there a letter, Mum?’

‘No, pet, but don’t worry. Your dad’s sure to write soon.’

‘Can I have some sweets?’

‘I suppose so and I might as well get a few things in.’

There was still no evidence of food shortages as Hilda pulled out their ration books, glad that at least she had always taken these, along with their birth certificates and marriage lines to the shelter. She asked for butter, sugar, flour, yeast, along with a newspaper, while Ellen chose a gobstopper and some barley sugar.

Mrs Brandon was totting up the bill when Gertie stepped inside. ‘Come on, Hilda, get a move on,’ she chided.

‘Morning, Miss Forbes,’ the postmistress said pointedly.

‘Good morning, Mrs Brandon,’ Gertie replied, her tone clipped.

‘I was only saying to Mrs Cook earlier that it must be nice for you having a friend to stay.’

Gertie didn’t answer the woman, only saying to Hilda as she marched out of the shop again, ‘I’ll wait for you outside.’

Mrs Brandon’s neck stretched with indignation as she puffed, ‘Well, I never.’

‘Sorry,’ Hilda said as she hurriedly paid for her goods before leaving the shop.

‘Look, I’ve got a gobstopper,’ Ellen said as she ran to Gertie’s side.

‘That’ll keep you quiet for all of five minutes.’

‘Gertie, you were a bit short with Mrs Brandon,’ Hilda complained.

‘She was just after gossip and I won’t give her, or anyone else in the village, the satisfaction of knowing my business. Now let’s get to the butcher’s and then we can go home.’

Hilda sighed. Unlike Gertie, she missed chatting to people – all right, gossiping if that’s what Gertie wanted to call it – but nowadays she didn’t get the chance. ‘While we’re there I’ll get some sausages and a bit of bacon, but why do you need to talk to him?’

‘Until I get new crops to sell money will be a bit tight, so at this time of year I take him one of my pigs for slaughter.’

‘No! No!’ Ellen yelped.

‘Oh, darn, I shouldn’t have said anything in front of her.’

‘It’s a bit late now,’ Hilda snapped as Ellen flung herself against her.

Gertie crouched down. ‘Listen, Ellen, you like eating roast pork, sausages, and bacon, don’t you? I raise pigs for food, not as pets – but I’m sorry, I should have warned you.’

‘Wh…what about the other one?’

‘She’ll be having a litter soon, and once weaned
I’ll sell all the piglets but one which I’ll fatten up for next year. I know it all sounds awful to you, but it’s the way of life on farms and smallholdings.’

Ellen wasn’t mollified, but just then they were all distracted by the roar of an engine as a motorbike drove into the village. At first Hilda thought the driver was going to pass straight through, but then he suddenly braked. The man lifted his goggles, turned to look at her, and Hilda blinked, unable to believe her eyes.

The bag of shopping left her hand in shock and groceries spilled onto the pavement, unheeded as Hilda dashed forward. ‘Doug! Ohh…Doug,’ she cried, her face alight with joy.

Ellen couldn’t stop smiling. Her dad was here, staying in the cottage, and almost immediately she saw a change in her mother. She was wearing make-up again, even when working outside, and instead of wrapping her hair in a turban, she wore it softly curled around her face.

Working side by side, they got on with the planting, but now her mother’s voice often rose in song as they put in row after row of vegetables. Ellen didn’t understand why she had to sleep with Gertie now. She’d rather have squashed in between her parents, especially as Gertie snored so loudly, but for some reason they wanted to be on their own. There were times too when her parents went off on the motorbike, leaving her feeling excluded, but then they’d come back, her mum rosy-cheeked and smiling, and her dad lifting her in the air, calling her his pumpkin again.

One morning, over a week later, the sun was shining, and Ellen was bashing the top of her egg as her parents chatted.

‘Travelling by train is murder now, Doug. Thank Gawd that bloke lent you his motorbike. It was good of him.’

‘Yeah, he’s a good mate, on board ship and off.’

‘I wish you hadn’t joined the navy. I hate it that you’re at sea with the constant danger from those German U-boats.’

‘I’d have been in just as much danger in the army.’

‘What’s a U-boat?’ Ellen asked.

‘It’s a German submarine. But enough talk about the war. I’ve only got another five days’ leave, so let’s make the most of it.’

‘I think you’re right,’ Gertie said, ‘and as we’ve done so much planting, why don’t the three of you go out on your own for a while?’

‘That isn’t a bad idea,’ Doug said.

‘You can take Bertie with you. I want to go into the village, but tomorrow we need to make a start on the salad crops.’

‘Some leave this is,’ joked Doug, ‘and there was I, expecting you women to spoil me for fourteen days. Come on, Ellen, get dressed and then we can explore the woods.’

Ellen rose eagerly to her feet, but as she did so she noticed a look pass between her mother
and Gertie. She frowned. They looked secretive…but why?

As soon as the three of them left the cottage, Doug’s arm around Hilda’s shoulder and Ellen clinging happily to his other hand, the false smile Gertie had put on for their benefit left her face. It had been pre-arranged that while they got Ellen out of the way, she would take the pig for slaughter – but that wasn’t why Gertie had to put on a false front.

As a child she had thought her feelings for Hilda were sisterly, but that had all changed at puberty. While Gertie had battled with her confused feelings, Hilda had been attracted to boys. Ashamed and bewildered, Gertie had pretended interest in them too, but all the time she had grown more and more enamoured with Hilda.

They’d always been such a complete contrast, she tall, big-boned, whereas Hilda was tiny, petite and feminine. Gertie had longed to hold her, to kiss her, but knew it was unnatural – that if Hilda, or anyone else, found out, they’d be disgusted. She had hated her feelings, wanted to be normal, but the thought of being touched, held, or kissed by a man repelled her.

Somehow Gertie had kept up the pretence, but, in the end, fearing she would no longer be able to contain her feelings for Hilda, it had been a
relief when they went their separate ways. To her utter amazement, once out in the world, Gertie discovered that she wasn’t a freak – that there were other so-called unnatural women. She had met Susan, found happiness, but the affair had cost her everything. To escape they had moved here to Somerset, and until now she hadn’t seen Hilda for many years. When she’d written to ask if both she and Ellen could come to stay, Gertie had hesitated, but then hadn’t had the strength of will to refuse. They were in danger and she couldn’t bear to think about that, but as soon as she saw Hilda again, Gertie found her feelings rekindled.

It made her feel so guilty, pretending to Hilda that she saw her as a sister, but now that she was here, Gertie couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving again. To cope she’d created a fantasy, albeit a celibate one, where they were a family and Ellen their daughter. But then Doug had turned up and one look at Hilda’s face when she saw him was enough to shatter Gertie’s fragile illusion. Her lips tightened. Hilda was so obviously in love with her husband that it was painful to watch, the two of them barely able to keep their hands off each other.

Five more days – five more days of this purgatory before Doug left, and Gertie couldn’t wait to see the back of him. Of course Hilda would never turn to her, Gertie had long accepted that,
but at least they’d be a family again. Hilda was bound to stay until the war was over and, with no end in sight, she and Ellen could be with her for years.

Doug smiled at Hilda, his hand now holding hers as they walked along with Ellen and the dog running ahead through the woods.

‘Blimey, love, I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be on your knees planting vegetables.’

‘Me neither, but we had to get out of London.’

‘It was good of Gertie to take you in, but aren’t you a bit nervous?’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Well, you know. What if she tries it on?’

‘Don’t be daft. We’re like sisters and Gertie would never do that.’

‘I wouldn’t be so sure. She comes over as a bit bossy to me and sometimes it feels as though she resents me being here.’

‘Of course she doesn’t, and Gertie’s always been a bit bossy. We’ve been friends since childhood and, as I said, we became like sisters. You’ve got nothing to worry about and, anyway, Doug, you know me. If she tried anything I’d flatten her – not that she would and I’m sure of that.’

‘Yeah, you might be small, but you’re a little spitfire,’ Doug agreed. ‘All right, stay, and at least when I go back I’ll know you’re safe.’

‘It’s a shame I can’t say the same. When I didn’t hear from you for so long I was worried sick.’

‘I’ve told you. I did write, honest.’

‘Maybe the bloomin’ Luftwaffe bombed the sorting office.’

‘Yeah, maybe,’ Doug mused.

‘Like I said, we lost our place, and…and my mum and dad…’

Doug turned Hilda round to pull her into his arms, her head resting on his chest. ‘I was shocked to the core when I read your letter. It must have been hell for you and I see you’re wearing your mum’s cross and chain now.’

‘I know it sounds daft, but it’s all I’ve got left of her and it sort of brings me a bit of comfort. It…it was an awful time, Doug, and to top it all Ellen’s nerves went.’

‘She seems all right now, though it’s a shame you’re so far from the village that she hasn’t got any friends to play with.’

‘I know, but she’s grown to love it here, the peace, the quiet, the animals and the woods, yet I can’t stand it.’

‘It won’t be for ever and, now I know I haven’t got anything to worry about with Gertie, you’re to stay here until the war’s over,’ Doug ordered, but then as Hilda reared back he knew he’d put his foot in it.

Her shoulders stiff, neck stretched to look up
at him and eyes flashing, she snapped, ‘If I want to go back to London I will, and neither you, nor the bloody Germans, are going to stop me.’

‘All right, calm down,’ Doug placated. Just a moment ago Hilda had seemed so soft and vulnerable, but now she was back on form. His wife might be tiny, but he had long since learned that he couldn’t win an argument. If you got Hilda’s back up, woe betide you, and he should have known better than to issue an order. He tried a different approach. ‘What about Ellen? Surely you don’t want to put her at risk again?’

‘Of course I don’t. Oh, take no notice of me, Doug,’ she said, her features softening as their daughter ran up to them. ‘It’s just that I’m fed up, that’s all.’

Doug couldn’t get over the change in Ellen. She was so much taller, her nose sprinkled with freckles and her complexion glowing with health. Life in the country suited her and, in fact, Doug had found he liked it, too, enjoyed working the land – the digging, the planting – and when the war was over he’d love to live out of London. Of course, Hilda would take some persuading, but surely he’d be able to talk her round?

‘Come on, Mum, come on, Dad,’ Ellen urged.

‘Yeah, all right, but slow down,’ Hilda called as Ellen dashed off again, Bertie at her heels, yapping with excitement.

‘It’s a shame we’ve only managed the one child,’ Doug mused.

‘I know, but after having so much trouble falling pregnant, Ellen still seems like a miracle. My mum was the same, and her sister, all of us only managing one child.’

‘You never know, you might fall again one day.’

‘Don’t bank on it, Doug.’

‘I’m not,’ he said, with a cheeky smile and a wink as he added, ‘though if you ask me nicely, I’ll give it another go tonight.’

Ellen had become used to playing alone. She loved exploring, finding things, and had turned the woods into her own magic kingdom. This time, instead of roaming alone, it felt strange to be out with her parents and so far, amongst other things, they had seen a squirrel that was thankfully in a tree and safe from Bertie. Ellen led her dad to one of her favourite places, a pretty glade where if she sat quietly rabbits would emerge from their burrows, noses sniffing, but there was no sign of them today.

‘Come on, Ellen, it’s time to go back to the cottage.’

‘Oh, Dad, do we have to?’ Ellen appealed. ‘There are so many things I want to show you.’

‘I’m afraid so, but we’ll come here again another day.’

Ellen nodded, looking forward to that, but sadly aware that her dad would be leaving again soon. She still found that if she kept quiet, her parents would sometimes forget she was there and it was then that she found things out – like at breakfast, when they had been talking about U-boats. Ellen was still worried about the danger she’d heard her dad was in and asked now, ‘Dad, what’s a submarine?’

‘Well, I suppose the easiest way to describe one is to say that it’s a kind of boat, but one that submerges and spends most of the time underwater.’

‘Have you been on one?’

‘No, and I don’t want to.’

‘Why did Mum say you’re in danger?’

A look passed between her parents and Ellen saw the small shake of her mum’s head before her dad replied, ‘You know what a worryguts your mum is, but there’s no need. I’m not in danger, pumpkin, and she’s worried about nothing.’

Ellen wasn’t convinced, but her dad refused to talk about the war again and soon they were back at the cottage. Once again Ellen saw a strange look pass between Gertie and her mother, a sort of half-nod from Gertie that puzzled her.

‘Why did you have to go to the village?’ Ellen asked, sure that the trip held the answer.

‘I went to get a few things in. Now let’s grab some lunch and then it’s back to work.’

‘Slave driver,’ Hilda groaned.

While her mother began to make sandwiches, Ellen wandered outside with Bertie, the dog running to his bowl to slurp water. There was something going on, Ellen was sure of it, but if she kept really quiet during lunch they might let something slip. Why did grown ups have to be so secretive? She wasn’t a baby now, she was nearly ten and a half years old, but still treated like a little kid. The village – Gertie hated going to the village, so why had she gone that morning? It was only when Ellen thought about their last trip that the penny dropped. Gertie had told her about the pig, but then her dad had turned up and everything else had been forgotten in the excitement.

With her heart thudding, Ellen ran to the sty. There was only one pig now, her belly fat with babies, and, sobbing, Ellen ran back to the cottage.

‘Pinkie’s gone! You took her to be killed, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid so.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

It was her mum who answered. ‘Because we knew you’d be upset.’

‘I…I don’t want Pinkie to be killed.’

‘Ellen, I told you not to give the pigs names,’
said Gertie, ‘and warned that you shouldn’t get too fond of them. They aren’t pets and you know that.’

‘You’re horrible! I hate you,’ Ellen yelled before dashing outside again, but only five minutes later her dad found her.

‘You shouldn’t have yelled at Gertie like that. She knew you’d be upset, we all did, but Gertie hoped to make you feel better with a special surprise.’

‘Don’t care. I hate her.’

‘Let’s see if you feel the same in a minute,’ he said, taking her hand to pull her along. ‘Come back inside.’

Sullen, Ellen was dragged back to the cottage, but she refused to look at the cardboard box that Gertie held out.

‘Come on, Ellen, open it,’ her mother urged.

Gertie laid the box on the table. ‘It’s something for you, Ellen, something all of your own to love.’

‘Don’t want it.’

‘Are you sure?’ Gertie asked and opening the box herself she drew out a tiny bundle of black and white fluff.

There was a mewling sound and, unbidden, Ellen rushed forward. A kitten! Gertie had got her a kitten, and, her eyes brimming, Ellen took it from her hands.

‘Do you like him?’ Gertie asked.

‘Oh…oh…yes, and…and thank you.’

‘You need to apologise too,’ her mum cajoled.

‘No, it’s all right, Hilda. She was upset, and I understand that. Now then, Ellen, what are you going to call him?’

Ellen looked at the kitten. He was mostly black, but there was a white band at the bottom of both front legs. She grinned. ‘I’m gonna call him Socks.’

‘Socks,’ her dad chuckled. ‘Yeah, it kind of suits him.’

Bertie jumped up at her legs and Ellen held the kitten protectively to her chest.

‘It’s all right,’ Gertie said. ‘Bertie has had a few scuffles with Wilfred and knows better than to go up against a cat. Just let him smell Socks and he’ll be fine.’

Tentatively Ellen crouched down, her fears soon alleviated, but then the kitten burrowed inside her cardigan.

‘Right, Ellen, he’s your cat and you’ll have to look after him. It’ll be your job to feed him, and until he can go out you’ll have to change his litter box regularly,’ her mum said, then puffed out her cheeks. ‘I must have been mad to agree to this and heaven knows how we’ll get him back to London.’