Lost and Found (10 page)

"I really don't know how to say this to all of you, but I've
come to the decision that coming here so much, is not
helping me as much as I thought it was. I'm not letting go
and I'm not going to stop visiting, but I just...."
This hurts so much more than I thought it was going to. I
feel like a dam is about to bust.

"I have to start doing something with my life. Claudia
needs me, your grandparents need me, and I have to learn
how to stand on my own two feet again."
The dam burst. I sit there, not able to say anything for a few
minutes, until I can compose myself.

"I have to get past this guilt that I have of not dying with
you. I still don't have an answer as to why I didn't die along
with you, other than it just....it just wasn't my time and God
decided you needed to be with him more than you needed
to be with me.”
Oh God, this hurts. It's like dealing with everything that happened all over again. I'm finally accepting the fact that
I'm never going to see them again or be there for them. I
always put them first above my needs and since they
weren't here for me to dote on, I've been lost. It's time for
me to focus on ME and my new path in life. I lift my head
up with a new awareness.

"I'm going to still come visit you all like I said, but it’s time for me to focus on me for a change, so it won’t be as often
as it was. I love you all very much and I can't even begin to
describe how much I miss you,
but it has gotten easier the last couple of days and that's thanks to Claudia for
opening my eyes to a few things. So, for now, I'm going to say goodbye and I will come back to visit soon. You're all
still in my heart and that's something that no one can
change. Just remember how much I love every one of you."

I sit there for a few more minutes, just looking at each head
stone, picturing our wedding, each child's births, all of us at
family dinners, ball games, the kids riding their bikes and
Derek and I holding hands, walking behind them and it was
like my whole life with them flashed before my eyes. I pick up the old flowers and throw them into the nearest
trash receptacle and start walking back to my car. As I am
getting in, I notice a little sports car pulling in and I really
didn't think anything of it, until I saw who got out of it.
It was Cash Kingston, with a big bouquet of what looked
like white roses, with a somber look on his face.

I hurry up and get into my car, because a cemetery is not
exactly the place you want to run into someone and chit
chat with.
As I'm slowly driving out of the cemetery, I see Cash stop at
a headstone and he gently put the flowers on top of it and
dropped to his knees, as if he fell. He put his face in his
hands and I could tell that he was sobbing.
At that moment, I wanted to run out of my car and go
comfort him, but I knew he would be embarrassed and we
had only just met last night, but it broke my heart to see him
in that state of mind.

Seeing him in this way helped make my decision in taking
his job offer. He has the same look in his eyes that I've had
this past year and a half and I've been wallowing in my
grief in my own way by hiding in my room. I haven't had
anyone to depend on me, like he does.
I now understand why the kids have a nanny. It's not
because he's cold and callous. It's because he's still living in
the past and can't move forward. I for one know that feeling
more than anyone.

This is why I have to be strong, for his and Vanessa's kids.
As much as it's going to bruise my heart to get attached to
them, because I only see it as a temporary job, it’s what I
know in my heart I should do.
I glance back one more time before I pull out of the
cemetery and he's still there in the same spot I had last seen him. I inwardly say a prayer for him and pull out and head
home.

CHAPTER FIVE

The next morning I woke up feeling refreshed and rested.
Claudia and I had watched three comedies that had me
laughing so hard my stomach was killing me.
It was nice to just be back to myself and relax and kick
back and just feel normal for a change.
She was telling me about some of the people that she works
with, which caused me to be quite hesitant about applying
for the file clerk job. The way she was talking about some
of her bosses had me scared to death. She seems to fit right in with them and doesn't ever take any crap from
anyone, but I'm the complete opposite and they would probably eat me alive!

She never did mention me applying for that job again and I
never brought it up. I didn't even tell her I was going to take the job that Cash offered me, because I wasn't sure
when I was going to call him and let him know.
I go into the kitchen to make some coffee and I see the note
that she had left me on the fridge.

“I had an absolute blast last night!! Love you!!!! You promised me a meatloaf
dinner tonight when I get home
from work. Please, pretty please
don't back out, because I LOVE
MEATLOAF and I have
missed your cooking. Text
me when you have a set time on
dinner, so that I won't be late!!
Muah!!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo”

Oh lord she cracks me up. I did tell her that I would start
pulling my weight around here and that I would start
cooking dinner every night, instead of her staying late for
work and picking something up on her way home. She had
jumped up and squealed like a little girl and gave me a big kiss, because she was so excited and requested meatloaf for
her first meal.
That's another reason why I haven't called Cash. Now that
I'm thinking clearly, I owe Claudia a lot of one on one time and I want the two full weeks to spoil her a little with my
cooking, because I used to love to cook and am quite good
at it.

As I'm fixing me a cup of coffee, my cell phone rings and
I'm completely confused by the caller ID. It says
"Mr. Blue Eyes" and I have no idea who that could be. I
hesitate, to send the call to voicemail, but my curiosity was
killing me.

"Hello?" I hear a very deep voice on the line asking for me.

"Hello, may I speak to Olivia please?" Ok, well, whoever
this is, he called the right person.

"This is she." Blue eyes, the only blue eyes that I can
remember are... Oh my gosh! CASH!

"Oh, well hello, nice to speak to you again. This is Cash,
Cash Kingston. We met the other night at The Plaza."

Why is he calling me and how did he get my number?
Oh. I was pretty lit that night. I bet Claudia gave it to him
and is the one that put him under "Mr. Blue Eyes". Oh, I'm
going to kill her.

"Oh yes. I remember meeting you. How are you doing?"
How are you doing? That's what I ask?

"I'm really glad you remember me, you were quite wasted
when you and Claud left. I was afraid you would have
forgotten my name.”
Great! The one and only time I've gotten drunk in how
long? Forever!

"I normally don't drink, but occasionally, and I promise that won't happen again, but yes, I do remember meeting you. Is
there something I can help you with? Are you looking for
Claudia? She's at work. Do you need her cell number?"
Really. Why is he calling me?

"Oh no, I got Claudia's number the other night, too. I was
calling you, actually. I was wondering if you had thought
about taking the nanny position I offered you."
Wow! Persistent isn't he. I figured I would call him
sometime this weekend and tell him. He had said two
weeks, hadn't he? Maybe I didn't hear him right.

"Well, I guess since you called I guess I can tell you now. I was going to call you this weekend, if you hadn't filled the
position, but yes, I have decided to take the job. You said
your nanny was leaving in two weeks right?"

"No, one week." One week? I wasn't drunk when he told
me about the position. I remember now, he did say two
weeks.

"Didn't you say she put her two weeks’ notice in?" Maybe I
didn't hear right.

“
You are correct. She did put her two weeks’ notice in, but
she just called to tell me that her aunt is in bad health and
her cousins can't stay with her as long as they had planned
on, so she needs to be on the first flight out to Arizona
Saturday morning. So, you would start Sunday."

What? This coming Sunday? But that only gives me
and Claud one week of catching up and making up, for the
hell that I've put her through. One week Granted, we will
have weekends, but still...
One week?

"Sunday huh? Well, I guess I can manage that, but don't you
think I should meet the kids before Sunday?
Don't you think it would be a shock to come home from
their grandparents and find a new nanny that they don't
even know, waiting for them?"
He started to say something, but didn't. It sounded like he was thinking about what I asked, because he kept clearing
his throat.

"No, they should be fine, but if you would rather meet them
before you make your decision, I would understand." He
sounded kind of put out at my question.

"I'm only mentioning it, because well, what if they don't like me? Have you called any agencies to try to get anyone,
before you asked me?" It took him awhile to answer and I'm beginning to think we
lost our connection. I look at my cell phone and nope, full bars, and it shows that he's still there.

"Mrs. Williamson worked for me for a few years and I
would rather not bring a stranger into my house and I guess
I ought to tell you the truth. I'm afraid if I call an agency,
my front door would probably turn into a revolving door, because of Gideon."
Oh boy. Here we go.

"Eden seems to be a sweet little girl, according to Mrs.
Williamson and she said that she's never had a problem
with her, but Gideon is a different story."
Different story? Oh lord. What does he mean by
that?

"Different story? Can you elaborate please?" Yes. Please
elaborate, because now I'm confused and wondering if I should do this or not.

            "He's just your typical boy. Quite rowdy and well, I've
already told you that he would like to give Mrs. Williamson surprises, like frogs and lizards and
Snakes. But he's
only done that once! I promise."
Snakes? Oh boy! Well, he's 7 and Jeremiah was like
that, always bringing me "surprises", just to see my
reaction and I would always calmly act like it didn't bother
me. But I'm sensing there's more to Mr. Gideon.

"I feel like you're not telling me something. Is there
anything else I need to know about Gideon?"
Just let me have it. Spill the beans, Mr. Blue Eyes!!!

"I guess you could say he tends to act out now and then.
His teachers are always saying his behavior is atrocious and he's kicked Mrs. Williamson a couple of times.  She will
punish him and he's good for a week or two, but he always ends up acting out again." Now he sounds embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. If you don't want to take the job I will
understand, but I just wanted to be honest with you about
what you're getting yourself into. I will up your pay to
$5000 a week, instead of the $3000 that I offered, if you will
still take the job."
$5000 a week? Holy shit! I don't know what to think. I
was going to go ahead and take it, because my honest
opinion is that Gideon is just acting out for his father's attention. He never said that
HE disciplined him, just Mrs. Williamson, but either the
boy is worse than he's telling me or he's just that desperate.
I'm hoping for he's just that desperate.