Lost (25 page)

There was a
catch in Andrew's voice. "I'm afraid that I wouldn't do you any
good, Isaac. I'm still confined to this blasted chair. As long as
whoever you've got down there is trustworthy, you're much better off
with them than you would be with me. I'd just be a burden."

My beast woke
from the quiet corner of my mind where he'd been sleeping. Andrew was
ours and he didn't like anyone insulting something that was ours, not
even when it was Andrew insulting himself.

"You
should be out of that chair by now. Dom healed Donovan's limp, she
shouldn't have any problem healing you too. Is it James? Is he
forcing her to extort stuff from people before she heals them? If so
I'll go up there and rip him in half."

"Calm
down, Isaac. James isn't the problem. If anything, he's gone above
and beyond when it comes to protecting our little group. He and
Dominic are running themselves ragged taking care of Addison,
Samantha and me. We're constantly in motion to make sure that we
aren't in any one place long enough for the Coun'hij to track us
down."

There was a
pause as Andrew tried to mask the pain and longing he was feeling,
but it still leaked through his voice if you knew what to listen for.

"It seems
as though Dominic's healing of Donovan and all of the wounded was
something in the way of a fluke. I don't think her ability has truly
vanished, but for now she's unable to access it. It's not really
surprising. There aren't any other records of one of her people
manifesting this kind of power, it's only reasonable to expect some
false starts along the way, but I have every confidence that I'll
walk again someday soon."

Not very many
people could get away with telling me what to do like that. Alec
usually could, and occasionally Jess depending on the situation and
how unreasonable I was being, but Andrew always got away with it when
he was in parenting mode. Some people would have said that it was
some kind of survival instinct designed to let the young of our
species survive long enough to learn the things we needed to from our
parents, but I'd always felt like it was something else.

My beast let
Andrew the parent order me around because he'd realized that while we
were dominant to Andrew physically, and had been since before I'd
shifted forms my very first time, he was our superior in age,
experience and wisdom. My beast listened to Andrew because he
respected the man Andrew had always been.

It was hard to
talk around the lump in my throat, but I forced the words out. "I'm
sure that you're right. You'll be walking around again before you
know it and then we'll go running across the estate together."

"Maybe not
the estate, I'm afraid that's not going to be possible for a long
time, but yes, I look forward to running at your side someday soon."

"Alec is
going to win this war sooner than you realize, Andrew, and once it's
over he'll go back and rebuild. You'll see."

"I hope
so, Isaac, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have my share of
worries there. I don't know if you've managed to get through to Alec
lately, but the number of updates from his group have slowed to the
tiniest of trickles recently. It's not the kind of thing you would
expect to see if the war was going well. Alec has a lot of things
going for him, not the least of which is that he is on the side of
justice, but the Coun'hij has had centuries to lay contingency plans
for this exact eventuality."

I closed my
eyes and tried to fight off the crushing despair that Andrew's words
conjured. Alec needed all of the help he could get, and I was stuck
here with the lamias, fighting to the death in a series of useless
challenges. I wanted to be out actively fighting the Coun'hij, wanted
to be hunting down that piece of garbage Oblivion who had stolen
Jess' memories.

The only thing
that kept me from screaming in frustration was the fact that the
potential payoff for what I was doing was huge. If I could find out
where the Coun'hij was based, then Alec could assemble his forces and
wipe the bad guys out in a single afternoon of fighting.

"I guess
that means that we'll all have to work a little harder. This isn't
the kind of fight you back down from."

I chuckled at
the absurdity of me giving Andrew a pep talk. I guess it was a sign I
was starting to cross over into adulthood. When I was younger it
always seemed like Andrew had all of the answers.

"What's so
funny, Isaac? I could use a good laugh right about now."

I couldn't tell
him the truth so I offered up the next funniest thing I could think
of.

"I called
Alec a few minutes ago to apologize for being such a jerk lately and
ask for help, but it turns out he's in over his head too. It's kind
of funny that we can't ever get on the same page."

Andrew let the
silence between the two of us grow nearly to the point of being
uncomfortable before he spoke again.

"I'm proud
of you, Isaac. I know that had to have been hard. You've had to deal
with a lot of difficult problems lately, but I want you to know how
impressed I've been with how you've handled them. I don't know that
anyone could have done better."

It would have
been nice to just bask in his approval, but a stubborn core of
honesty inside of me wouldn't let that comment stand.

"Maybe I'm
starting to handle some of them better, but the truth is that I've
been doing a pretty lousy job up until now, and things with Alec
aren't even the worst part of it."

"That's
not true, Isaac. The things that have happened recently aren't the
kinds of things that you can just expect a person to shake off
immediately."

"Maybe,
maybe not, but you can't deny that I created most of my own problems
with Jess since Agony's visit."

Andrew was
silent for a minute. "I tried to tell you that dozens of times,
but you weren't ready to hear it."

"I'm still
not ready to hear it, but I think I finally understand where I went
wrong. I kept thinking that Jess was still inside of Jessica, that if
I kept trying I'd be able to get her to come out and everything would
go back to how it was before. That's not going to happen though, is
it?"

"I don't
think so. Sometimes I felt the same way. There were days where the
way that Jessica would smile or laugh would make me ache for my
little girl, but I honestly believe that she's gone now. Jessica is a
different person. She doesn't have all of the hurts that Jess carried
around inside her. I loved that Jess was such a fighter, but now she
doesn't remember any of that. She doesn't have to battle all of the
time to deal with what Vincent tried to do to her, and I think that's
probably for the best."

"I wish
I'd been the one to rip his throat out. I came so close a couple of
times, but he always managed to squirm out of my reach at the last
second."

"I can
understand your desire for vengeance, but I'm actually glad that it
was Agony who disposed of him. I wanted to kill Vincent myself back
when it first happened, but even if I'd been young and healthy I
still wouldn't have been any kind of match for him. No, this way is
for the best. It's best for all of us."

"Have you
talked to her since she left with…since she left?"

"Yes,
she's called a couple of times."

"Is she
okay?"

I could tell
that Andrew was picking out his words very carefully. He didn't want
to lie, but he also didn't want to hurt me any more than I'd already
been hurt.

"I believe
so. I think that she's feeling a little homesick or she wouldn't have
called me at all. She's being even more evasive about what's going on
and where she's at than you are, but I think she's doing okay,
especially for being out on her own for the first time."

"Is that
all she said?"

"No, she
did tell me that almost everything that we've believed for all of
these years is wrong. She made it sound like there was some grand
conspiracy, but I think she's still very young and she's had even
less experience out in the world on her own than she realizes."

I almost said
something about Wyatt. I didn't trust him, didn't think that anything
he was involved in could be anything other than sinister, but I
managed to stop myself.

"Is she
happy? More than just okay, is she really happy?"

"I'm not
sure how to answer that question, Isaac."

"Just tell
me the truth—I think I'm ready to hear it now."

He didn't want
to say it, but I needed to hear it from him if I was ever going to
get to the point where I could move on, where I could stop chasing
Jess and making things harder for her.

"Yes,
she's happy. Things are different than they were before. What she and
Wyatt have isn't like what the two of you had. It's not mature, it
hasn't stood the test of time. It's like the first bloom of
springtime rather than being an ancient oak with roots that sink deep
into the earth."

"But she's
happy even so?"

"Yes. Jess
was so strong that sometimes I think that both you and I forgot how
hard she had to fight some days. That's all gone now and it's made
all of the difference for her. She was happy with you, she really
was, but this is something else. It goes all the way through her.
It's like she's free again."

I sighed. "I
think I knew that, but I just couldn't stop hoping that she'd come
back."

"She can't
come back, Isaac. Jess is gone, and as much as we both miss her, the
best we can do is just make the best accommodation possible with
Jessica. It's time to let go."

"I know,
it's just so hard. I loved her so much."

"I know
you did. We both did, but at least we can take solace in the fact
that she's not dead. She's different and she doesn't remember us, but
at least there is some small part of her inside of Jessica. If we
play our cards right then we still have a chance to see her grow into
someone amazing, but things won't ever be like they were before."

"Thank
you, Andrew. I needed to hear that. I know it wasn't easy for you to
tell me that, but it will make things better in the long run."

"Are you
going to be okay? I know you said that you're worried about someone
leading the Coun'hij to you, but if you need me to be there for you
right now then I'll chance the trip. I'll buy a car that is set up so
that I can drive it with just my hands, and I'll be there within the
next forty-eight hours if that is what you want."

"No, I'll
be fine. You need to stay there with Dom and James. She's going to
get her healing ability figured out sooner or later and when she does
you're going to get the use of your legs back so that you can help me
hunt Oblivion down."

"Vengeance
isn't the answer, Isaac."

"I know.
It's not about vengeance. The Coun'hij all need to be put down
though, and I'd just as soon it be us who make sure he's stopped."

"Okay, I
can respect that. If you change your mind about having me out there
just let me know."

"I will.
I'll call you if I can't handle things myself."

After the call
with Andrew I wanted to just curl up in a dark corner and lick my
wounds, but I couldn't do that yet. I still had one more thing to do
and I knew that I had to do it then, before I lost my nerve.

I dialed the
last number and let it ring. She sent me to voicemail after only two
rings, but that wasn't a surprise.

"Hi, it's
me. I just wanted to apologize. I know that I've handled pretty much
everything wrong and I'm sorry. I've been thinking a lot for the last
several days and I realized that I've been lying to myself.

"I thought
that I just wanted what was best for you, but really I wanted what
was best for me. You're an adult, you know what you want, and that's
what is important. I'll respect that from here on out.

"The truth
is that I've been pretty critical of the way that Alec fell apart
after Adri left him, but I haven't been doing any better. It's not an
excuse, just a realization that I need to be better, that I need to
let you go be whoever you want to be.

"I hope
that you and Wyatt are happy together. I know that you're not my Jess
anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. I do.
Sometimes I just have a hard time separating what's best for you from
whatever I want.

"I won't bother you anymore."

Isaac Nazir
The Lamia Enclave

I turned my
phone off and then sank down next to the rock I'd been sitting on.

Somewhere along
the way I lost some time. It seemed like I blinked and it was dark
outside. Part of me wanted to just stay there hugging that rock all
night, but I knew that would be stupid. It wouldn't make any
difference to Jessica or Andrew, all it would do was guarantee that
I'd be tired and weak the next time that I ended up inside the
challenge circle.

That practical
part of me refused to be silenced no matter how hard I tried to shut
him up. It felt like a betrayal of everything I'd felt for the old
Jess, but finally, about an hour after dark, I pulled myself up and
stumbled back towards our cave.

It turned out
I'd been mourning Jess for months now. I just hadn't admitted it to
myself because I'd been so busy trying to convince Jessica to take
Jess' place. Now that everything was out in the open and I'd started
to accept the fact that Jessica wasn't going to fill the hole inside
of my chest, I'd realized something else.

By focusing on
Jessica rather than on Jess, I'd missed out on my own grieving
process. The wild, crazy extreme of emotion that the death of someone
you loved deserved wasn't the kind of thing that could be sustained
for very long. Eventually you ran out of emotional energy and settled
into an exhausted state where you still missed the person you lost
and you felt guilty for not being able to sustain the same depth of
grief.