Lost (16 page)

  I was in love. 

  I loved Peter, and I wanted him to love me, forever.
 

                                              *****

  Maybe a half hour later, I attempted to crawl out of bed, only to feel my skin almost stuck to his.  Shocked by the grossness of us stuck together, I burst out laughing while I pulled away from him.
  “Remind me to clean you up before I pass out like a caveman, okay?” Peter laughed.
  “Um, yeah... That was gross,” I laughed as I stood for the shower with a sheet covering me.
  “Can we talk about earlier, Sophie?  I’d really like to know how you felt.”
  “Can I have a shower and coffee first?  I'm not half as intelligent pre-coffee,” I grinned as I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and looked at the clock.
  It was only 10:00am and I couldn't believe how much day we still had to explore each other.  I couldn't believe how much I wanted a day to explore him completely.
  After my shower and the tedious hair drying that followed, I found Peter still asleep in my bed.  Looking at him as I stood in my towel, I couldn't believe how attractive he seemed to me then.  I couldn't believe I originally thought he was average looking or plain.  I couldn't believe I thought he was ever average because in reality he was anything but.
  Looking at Peter sleeping on my dark wine colored comforter, he was absolutely beautiful to me.  His hair was to his shoulders but a complete mess.  His body was long and lean, toned, but not very muscular.  His ass was nice, and his shoulders seemed wide.  He had a long, dark scar on the back of his right thigh I wanted to ask him about, and he had a sexy Celtic cross tattoo on his upper arm with his initials P.C. underneath.
  He really was nothing special, but everything amazing to me. 

  He looked like a fallen angel lying stretched out on my bed. 
  So on impulse, I climbed up the bed slowly and quietly, and laid my body against his back.  Lying on him, I just listened to him breathe for a moment before lifting to leave him.  Yet as I tried to move away his arm snaked out of the sheet and he pulled me back down on him.
  “I didn't mean to wake you,” I whispered.
  “Stay... I love you laying on me.  And I'm strong enough to hold you up when you need to be held, Sophie,” he whispered back as I immediately choked up. 

  God, he was so good- like textbook good.  He had every line imaginable, and yet they didn't feel like cheesy lines coming from him.  They felt like the truth of Peter as he felt it. 

  “You're going to fall in love with me,” I heard myself suddenly say as I froze against him.
  “I know...” he whispered back to me.
  And that was it.  He said nothing further, and I couldn't speak.  I could do nothing but fight back the feelings crushing my chest.  I was beyond screwed for him, and though I knew it, acknowledging it to him seemed way worse.  So I said nothing more in our silence.
  Eventually, I slowly rose from his back and made my way to my closet.  Grabbing another sweater and pair of jeans, I pulled a bra and panties from my dresser and shimmied them on under the towel.  Pulling on my jeans next, I dropped my towel with my back to the bed and finished dressing.
  “You're so amazing, Sophie,” Peter spoke in the silence, and I smiled as I turned to him.
  “I'm going to get us coffee down the street.  Get up and get showered while I'm gone so we can figure out breakfast, or I guess lunch, when I get back, okay?”
  “Yes, mam,” he grinned trying to pull me back to the bed.
  “Nope.  I just got clean, but maybe I'll let you get me dirty later,” I laughed at my sudden brazenness.
  “Oh, I will...” he promised as I left my bedroom giggling.
 

                                                *****

  In the coffee shop, I looked around at all the Boxing Day specials before ordering our coffees.  On a sale shelf, I saw a Bodum I had had my eye on forever but couldn't justify buying, but at 50% off I couldn't pass it up.  Grabbing one, I decided on a second one for Peter as well. 
  Before I finished looking, I saw the liquor-looking bottles of coffee flavor on sale and happily found my chocolate shot, so naturally I snatched up 2 bottles as well.  Then I grabbed croissants, bagels and cream cheese, a loaf of bread, and a few pastries for later.  Leaving the coffee shop, I was much poorer, struggling with my mittens and bags, and the cardboard carrying tray of coffee but I managed. 
  Walking back home, I peaked in a little card store and everything was on sale, so I had to stop.  My mom had taught me young the need to buy everything on sale to be kept for important events down the road, which was fairly cheap, but it left me with a box full of cool stuff ready in the hall closet for an impromptu party or a birthday I had otherwise forgotten to buy for.
 

  20 minutes later, I bought a few cards, an adorable stuffed panda for someone else's future children, and a beautiful set of carved wooden candle stick holders I swore weren’t for myself.  I made a silent deal with myself that if I did end up keeping them then I had to dispose of a set I already owned, and since I couldn't think of a single pair of candle holders I could live without, I was fairly confident that the new set would stay in my future required gifts box.
  After shopping, I decided I wanted to go out window shopping and maybe slightly buying with Peter in the afternoon.  Walking home, I was anxious to see him and I wanted my nearly cold coffee so bad, I tragically contemplated ruining it with a microwave warm up.
 

  When I walked into my apartment courtyard, I laughed as I approached my bedroom window, knocked on it, and threatened, 'you better be out of bed' to Peter before entering the building.  But opening the main door still smiling, I was shocked to see Peter standing outside my door pacing back and forth naked.
  “What happened?!” He yelled at me as he grabbed my arms.
  “What?  I just knocked on the window,” I gasped as the coffee carton twisted out of my hand and crashed to the floor when he grabbed me.
  “Where the fuck were you?”
  “What?!” I yelled shocked as I tried to pick up the spilling cups of coffee from the floor. “What’s wrong?” I asked desperately when Peter pushed me to my ass grabbing for my arms again among the spilled coffee.
  “Where were you?” He growled shaking me.
  “I was getting coffee and breakfast for YOU!” I snapped when I found my spine again after my initial shock.  “What the hell are you doing?” I screamed as I pulled away from Peter, picked myself off the floor and headed for my door.
  “Sophie!  Sophie, wait! I'm sorry, baby,” he pleaded as he stood up behind me. “I was worried when you took so long, that's all,” he begged, but I way too pissed to listen.
  Walking to my kitchen I threw the bag of food on the kitchen counter, then stomped back to the table to put the bags of breakables down.
  “Sophie... I'm sorry,” Peter said trying to pull me into his arms again as I fought him.  Actually turning my back on him, I was way too angry to even look at him at that moment, nevermind be touched.
  “You better go, Peter.  I'm really pissed, and I'm going to say something I shouldn't, so please go home.  I'll call you later when I've calmed down.”
  “I'm not leaving until you let me explain.”
  “You
are
leaving because I told you to.  So get out Peter!  You have ruined an otherwise perfect goddamn morning, and I'm so pissed and hurt right now, I don't want to talk to you,” I said with anger tears in my eyes.
  “Please, Sophie, just listen for a minute,” he said trying to remove my winter coat.  “I was scared, that's all.  You said you were getting coffee which takes like 10 minutes, but you were gone for over an hour,” he said calmly.  “I was scared something happened to you so I acted like an asshole, but I'm sorry.  I was scared, and I took it out on you.  Please, Sophie.  You were gone for so long, I thought you were hurt or something...” he said so sincerely, I thawed a little. 
  Looking at the clock on my stove, I realized I had been gone for over an hour, but still... What the hell kind of reaction was that?
  “Peter, if you ever put your hands on me again, or shove me to the ground, or yell at me like that, I will leave so goddamn quickly you won't even see it happening.  I swear to god, Peter.  I'm gone.  Got it?!”
  “I do... And I'm so sorry.  I totally panicked at the thought of you being hurt.  I will
never
put my hands on you again like that, I promise.  Really, Sophie, I won't.  I can't even explain why I felt so scared, other than I don't want anything bad to happen to you,” he breathed against my back as he kissed my head.
  “Peter, we're apart all the time, and I'm not going to allow you to act like a psycho every time I'm late coming home from work, or I stay out late with friends.  So let me be really clear about this- if you
ever
act like that again I. Am. Gone.”  And I was.
  I didn't care what I felt for this guy, I was not going to be pushed around or controlled by some fucking psycho with issues.  Even if it was innocent concern for my wellbeing, the way he reacted was scary and he went way too far.  I would leave him I decided in that moment if he ever acted like that again. 
Ever.
  “I understand completely, and I'm so sorry, Sophie.  I promise you it will never happen again.  No excuses, but we're so new, and I'm crazy about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but I completely overreacted, I know.  Do you still want me to go?” He begged.
  “Yes.  I wouldn't mind going Boxing Day shopping with my girlfriend Kim for the afternoon.  She asked me on Wednesday but I kind of blew her off for you.  Maybe come over later or something,” I said leaving the invite in the air between us unconfirmed.
  “What time do you want me to come back?”
  “I don't know.  Later.  I'll call you when I'm done shopping.”
  “Okay... I'm so sorry, Sophie,” Peter whispered leaving the kitchen, still really friggin' naked, which almost made me laugh.  But thankfully the anger was still simmering enough to keep my laughter in check.
  5 minutes later, while I opened my new Bodum at the table Peter walked up to me.  Kissing my head as I sat on a kitchen chair, he dropped to his knees beside me.  Resting his head against my chest, and pulling me to him he again whispered he was sorry.
  Exhaling all my anger, and feeling him so sad against me made me forgive him that ONE time.  When I kissed his head, he relaxed further into me and squeezed a little tighter.
  “I'll see you later, Sophie.  Have fun shopping,” he spoke quietly as he stood and walked slowly to my front door without me following him. 
  I didn't want to kiss him goodbye, or let him off the hook too easily.  He needed to understand that I would never be tossed around like a goddamn doll again because he was scared.  It wasn't going to happen, so I wanted him to really think about that once we were away from each other for the afternoon.
  After he left and I stood to lock the door I called Kim's cell.  Luckily, she still wanted me to shop with her, so we picked a place to meet for lunch before she started her second round of shopping, and I began my first.   

  Happily, I went out with my friend and I ended up having a fun day away from the intensity and confusion of Peter.
 
 

CHAPTER 14

  When Kim and I returned to my place we were loaded down with bags of stuff.  Laughing at all the fabulous buys, Kim even did a verbal tally of money spent versus actual costs and the savings we had made, which to her meant a free night out to dinner and drinks, which I agreed to, even as I laughed at her tragic attempt at math.
  I was home, and my apartment felt like Peter as soon as I entered it.  Whether Kim felt his presence I wasn't sure, but I did.  Peter was all over every room, and he seemed to speak to me loudest from my bedroom when I entered to drop the bags of new clothes on my bed.
  Once I was home I missed Peter horribly.  I only spoke about him a little over lunch, but I gave Kim a kind of semi-description of our new relationship.  I admitted the sex was hot, the intensity was new for me, and I was very happy... overall. 
  With the strictest of confidence I explained the earlier incident and asked her opinion of it, to which she shocked me.  Kim actually swooned when I told her.  To my horror, she thought Peter's overreaction was ‘sweet’.  Kim didn’t necessarily approve of his behavior, and she didn’t like him tossing me around, but she thought he sounded ‘like a man in love navigating his way through the new relationship battlefield’- her words not mine.
  Even after I told her she was mental, she just laughed and said she'd love a man who was so into her that he panicked if he thought she was hurt, which again I found insane.
  After speaking with Kim I understood one absolute though, I had not changed so totally with Peter as to let that kind of behavior slide.  I was stronger and smarter than that.  I was still Sophie, just a slightly sappier Sophie, so I was going to watch for any more freak outs from Peter, and I would end things with him if they came.
  I knew after talking to Kim who had had endless relationships and bed-buddies that I would never allow myself to be scared or hurt by Peter, no matter how much I cared for him.  I knew I could be alone, and I would be.  I had no problem being single and mentally well.  I had been single and mentally well before him, and I would go right back there if he
ever
treated me like that again.
  But I did miss him.
  Throughout the day I found myself looking for him in stores, and I even wanted his opinion on certain buys.  I thought of him non-stop, and I almost ached for him all day.  I had lots of fun with Kim all afternoon, but I wanted Peter.
  So after Kim and I had settled in and I poured us each a drink, we decided to have dinner down the street followed by drinks somewhere later.  I wanted a girl’s night of fun to remind myself that I was still fun without Peter.
  I didn't want Peter to think I was still punishing him though, so I grabbed my cordless and told Kim to help herself to anything as I left for the privacy of my bedroom.
  Dialing and preparing for Peter, I straightened my spine as I called.
  “Hi, Sophie... Please let me say it again.  I'm very,
very
sorry about earlier.  I'd love to have some perfect excuse for my behavior, but I don't.  I was an idiot and I will
never
be like that again with you, I promise.”
  “I hope not,” I exhaled some tension.
  “I won't.  I've had a long day without you thinking and analyzing my behavior, and I realized not only what an asshole I was, but how very unlike myself that behavior was.  I've never touched a woman before,
ever
, so I scared myself a little as well by the intensity of my reaction.  I'm crazy about you Sophie, and the thought of you hurt made me feel crazy.  But even still, I overreacted and it won't happen again,” he spoke sincerely.
  “Okay.  I'll let it go this time, but I promise you Peter if it ever happens again-”
  “It won't ever happen again,” he insisted.
  “Okay,” I relented, because I really didn't want to talk about it anymore.  Peter said it wouldn't happen again and I would just have to wait and see.  There was nothing else I could say or do, so I gave up.
  “Can I come over to see you?”
  “I'm still with Kim and she and I are going out for dinner soon, then maybe a drink or two afterward.  I'll call you later if you want?”
  “I want,” he whispered. “Have fun Sophie, but be safe for me, okay?”
  “I'm always safe, Peter.  Have a good night, and I'll talk to you later,” I said but couldn't hang up.
  “Okay...” But he didn't hang up either.  Suddenly we were playing the you-hang-up-first game.
  “On the count of three?” I giggled as he laughed.
  “Okay.  One, two, three...”  I hung up.