Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (24 page)

‘And have you found it?’ I asked gingerly. ‘What you were looking for?’

He looked at me said, ‘Not yet. But I’m getting close. I can feel it.’ He smiled and I smiled back. He paid the bill and we left. While we were heading back, I was quiet. I was thinking about what he had said. But I was thinking about Arjun as well. I had suppressed my love for him for so long. Would it haunt me one day if we met suddenly?

Three hours later, I got off with my bag at my doorstep. He followed me to my door.

‘Thanks, Kaveri. I know it’s your job, but I think it’s the best vacation I’ve been on in a long time,’ he said.

And right then, I made up my mind. I said, ‘Aaron, don’t take this the wrong way, but would you like to spend the night at my place?’

He raised his eyebrow to ask if I was sure.

I nodded. I was sure.

I didn’t sleep with Aaron that night. He crashed on the sofa. But the feeling that there was another man in my house after so long actually made me feel good. We continued our conversation the next day after my maid gave him some hot
aloo parathas
and me a suspicious look. He thought it was the most awesome food he had ever had.

The next day, he checked out of the hotel and moved in with me. He said he would pay me the same as the hotel stay for as long as he was in India and I didn’t say no. I wanted this to be a business arrangement, even though we had become friends.

Over the next few days we took day trips around Mumbai, stayed at home and read the papers, magazines and anything ‘Indian’ that needed analyzing. We went off to watch Gujarati plays that we both didn’t understand, but laughed so hard at. It felt like being on a permanent vacation. But we didn’t have sex. It felt like having a buddy over after a very long time and I wanted to enjoy that. There were moments when he would look at me and I could feel the chemistry between us and I stared back into his eyes for a long time. But he didn’t do anything and I didn’t initiate it either.

Maybe somewhere I felt that because I had kissed Arjun first, I had had to make the relationship work. And this time, I would not be the first person.

It was one such day when I caught a cold and was lying in bed feeling miserable that he decided to look after me.

‘This is not what you’re paying for, Aaron. I’ll set you up to go to Ajanta and Ellora caves. You go for a few days and come back. Don’t waste your time here with me,’ I insisted.

‘Don’t be stupid. We’ll go together when you’re better,’ he responded.

‘But that could take a while. My colds last for a really long time and since it is a virus you might catch it too.’

‘Cool. Want some soup?’ he asked nonchalantly and then went off to the kitchen to make some Knorr packet soup that he had bought earlier. And that was when I realized it. Here was a complete stranger who had known me for only two weeks, but had decided to give up having a good time to look after me. He was ready to ruin the only ten days off he would have for the next one year to be at my bedside, nursing me with soup. I started crying.

Aaron came back and was appalled, ‘Hey!’ he came over and held me. ‘What happened? Want me to get something for you? Want me to call the doctor? What? Tell me!’

I sobbed into his shirt and said, ‘Thank you!’

‘It’s about Arjun, isn’t it?’ he asked softly, holding me.

I looked up and immediately dried my tears. Where had that come from, I questioned with my eyes.

‘Is it too painful to talk about him?’ he asked.

I kept quiet. He immediately changed the topic, ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Did you know that they have the same ingredients in the tomato soup here as they have in leading brands in the USA?’

I sighed, ‘Arjun was the love of my life. He will always be the love of my life. But I was not the love of his life. It’s as simple as that. And as complicated.’

‘All love stories are complicated, Kaveri. Every life has its own complications.’

‘Are you defending him?’ I asked, surprised.

‘No. Not at all. I’m just saying. There must have been something extremely complicated about his life as well. Otherwise he would never have said no to a wonderful person like you.’

‘Actually he didn’t say no.’ I said, as an afterthought.

Aaron looked at me questioningly.

I continued. ‘But he didn’t say yes either. So I decided to get out of the limbo.’

‘And live in limbo still?’ he asked, while feeding me the soup.

‘Who says I’m in limbo now?’ I asked morosely.

Aaron shrugged his shoulders, ‘I’m just saying … figure out what you really want, Kaveri. Then it’ll happen.’

I started sulking. The cold was getting to me. ‘You don’t know anything about my life either!’

He nodded, ‘Okay, babe. Just have some soup. We need you to get okay soon.’

Aaron helped me become better. Not just by giving me soup every evening or taking a walk every time my maid came so she wouldn’t think badly of me, or by bringing me back flowers every time he returned. He made me better by sticking with me through my illness. Something that I had wanted a man to do. Something that I needed to know that a man
would
do. And it gave me relief to know that there could be a man who would want to do that for me. Even if Aaron wasn’t permanent.

After a few days I recovered. And after a few days, I understood what Aaron had meant. I always sent mixed signals to people. I was undecided about my life and it showed in my actions. And the next day, I stopped sending him mixed signals Which led to many more nights of unmixed signals from me. Here’s what happened.

It was late at night. Aaron wasn’t the type to watch television, so we were reading. I sat on a cushion while he read out chapters. After some time, I stopped hearing the words and just watched his mouth move. His eyes lit up when he read something that excited him. His hands came alive. He had no pretenses about being an intellectual or about having travelled the world. He was simple, straightforward and uncomplicated. And oh-so-very-good-looking. My mind wandered.

My eyes left his mouth and found other parts of his body. He wasn’t perfect. But his imperfection was what was most attractive. He was real. I lingered on his arms. And smiled. I took in a deep breath. He smelt so good. Hugo Boss. Dependable. Trustworthy. Strong. Just like Aaron.

His eyes twinkled and suddenly he stopped talking. Our eyes locked. He saw me staring at him. We looked at each other for some time. Paused. Inviting.

Then I got up and walked over to his cushion and sat myself down on top of him, wrapping my legs around his waist. Inhale. Exhale.

‘I’m not one of those women,’ I said softly. He nodded in agreement, without saying a word.

‘Generally,’ I added, as an afterthought. He smiled. Hesitant.

And then I leaned in and kissed him. He held my face and pulled me closer to him. I was in control. I parted his mouth and let my tongue slip in softly. He waited for more. Nibbling. Searching. Breasts heaving against his body. Unsure. Surprised. Pleased. Very pleased.

‘Wait. Let me show you,’ I said reassuringly.

I got off him and led him to the bedroom. I switched on the Chinese lamps that gave the room a warm reddish glow. I hadn’t used them for a long time. I stood close to him and kissed him again. Deeply. Lustfully. I took his shirt off slowly. Stroking. Cupping. Yearning.

‘Don’t be afraid,’ I murmured into his ear. We took off each other’s clothes. Taking the time to gaze at each other. Admire. Approve. Appreciate.

I wanted to jump in. I only knew one way. But he took it gradually. Prolonged kisses. Raw sexual energy. He made me sit on his lap and look into his eyes. Tenderly. We breathed in each other’s smell, we breathed in each other’s energies. Desire mounting. We kissed with our eyes open. We sat there naked. Longing. He ran his fingertips softly down my neck, lingering at my breasts and stopping at my thigh. His white skin against my olive nakedness. Intense. He made me lie down as he ran his fingertips across my body. I was ready. I wanted him, but he didn’t relent.

‘Find your centre,’ he whispered, as his fingers moved down and gently across my genitals. A soothing touch that made my skin tingle.

I knew what he was talking about. Suddenly there was a power inside me that had never been there before. A warmth within my body that sought immediate pleasure. I swivelled around and put my hands across his chest. He lay on top of me and looked directly into my eyes. Passionate kissing. Nibbling. Sucking. Right there. Yes. I arched my back and he agreed.

He was divine. I inhaled as he took slow, strong strokes and murmured my name over and over again. I was captivated by his love-making. Enthralled by his intensity. Suddenly he stopped and slid down. Lower and lower. His tongue drawing a straight line. Down my navel. Lingering around the edges. Teasing. Tantalizing. Slowly, but surely, he slid his tongue into me. I was conscious. But this time it was his tongue that reassured me. He tickled. He teased. It didn’t stop. Not even when I begged him to. And then I knew what he was doing.

This wasn’t just ordinary sex. This was tantric. This was of the souls meeting.

He sat me up quickly and pressed against me. Powerful strokes. Our hands all over each other. Faster. Biting. Pause and withdrawal. The room swayed around us.

And it continued. On my back. Reversed. Raised. More heat. A new connection. Deeper bonding. The earth moved. I lost control. He was insatiable. Fervent desire. Again and again. And I finally knew the meaning of multiple orgasms. I was left breathless.

We finished several hours later. The room was a site. I had no words left. Pure happiness. He smiled as he held me close. And in the early morning light, just as dawn broke and the rays of sunlight filtered in, he went to sleep holding me in his arms.

I recognized that I had just had mad sex with a man who could never be permanent in my life. And it wasn’t just for the sake of Lust as it had been with Karan. It was new and transient and still something precious. And I was okay with that. I knew that men would come into my life and leave. If I would not allow that, I would never meet interesting people who would enrich my life. And heartbreak was inevitable. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t live completely, that I wouldn’t give my heart again and again.

Because really, there was no other way to live.

Soon one month was over. And he had to get back to his life in the US. And the day came when he had finished packing and was set to leave for the airport.

‘What time is your flight again?’ I asked, for the hundredth time.

‘3 a.m.,’ he said, as he finished writing something on a piece of paper. ‘Kaveri, come here.’ I had finished making some tea for both of us and handed him a cup. ‘Here’s your cheque.’

I stood very silent. I’d never thought I would be paid for my ‘services’.

‘I’d told you I would pay you for letting me stay at your place. And a promise is a promise.’

‘Aaron, after all that we’ve been through, I can’t …’

He came over and held me. He took the cup from my hand and put it down. ‘Kaveri, this last one month has been amazing. I found what I was looking for. I found a reason. I might look American, but I’m an Indian at heart. That’s what my dad was trying to tell me. And this trip will not be my last one to this country. And it’s not just because of the place I fell in love with. It’s the person. It’s you. So I want to thank you for not only doing your job by showing me around, but by giving me a piece of myself that I had forgotten many years ago. Don’t think this cheque is for any other purpose, Kaveri. It’s purely for you to sit and think about what you want to do next. It’ll sustain your lifestyle, I think, from what I’ve gathered of you in the last month. And if I’m wrong, please call me in Frisco and I’ll send you more. Because what you’ve done for me, no other woman, or person for that matter, has.’ Then he kissed me this really long kiss and I missed him already.

But I knew that Aaron was not the Great Love of my life. He was yet another man who had shown me that there could be beautiful experiences if I opened my heart to them.

And like the fleeting love that leaves you happy and depressed at the same time, he was gone.

Aaron had left two days before my birthday and I decided that instead of making any more resolutions at thirty-one, I was going to give thanks for the year that had gone by. And I would do it with the people I had taken for granted. So without further delay, I booked myself on a flight to Bangalore to surprise my parents.

My parents are a species from the planet of Culture Vultures. They do not believe in ‘doing nothing’. They would never just ‘be’ or ‘zone out’ or ‘take a chill pill’. All phrases I tried to teach them, mellow them, phrases that were never understood and that backfired most of the time. My parents had been together for thirt-five years. They’d met in college and got married when they were in the Academy. Both were in the Foreign Service and eventually my mom decided to quit and just stay with my dad. I’ve always thought it was regressive that a woman needs to give up on her career, but she said education gives us choices to be happier in life. And she wasn’t happy in her career, away from Dad.

But even when Mom stayed at home, she decided to excel in everything she did. She was the topper of her batch and made sure we were reminded of it everyday for the last three decades. But whatever she decided to pursue turned to profit and, with her vast knowledge and many interests, her home businesses did very well.

My parents nagged me to do something constantly. It was a huge pressure to keep on excelling. I learnt seven languages and studied all the time not because I truly wanted to, but because my parents needed me to do something
more
. Hence coming from this cultural background, it had become impossible to talk to them on a sane and ordinary level. Where most children would talk about how they hated their boss and how their friends were doing, my parents would expect me to know about the tax system in Monaco as if I had just met the Ambassador of the place. It had been a pretty tall order to live up to their expectations.