Losing Me Finding You (5 page)

Ben shrugs. “Dunno, what if you heard my name or something?”

Now it’s my turn to shrug. “I don’t know.”

Ben smiles at me. “Well maybe we’ll find that out next time,” he says and I still can’t believe he’s being so cool about all of this.

“Maybe,” I say, hoping there isn’t going to be a next time. “But you do know that I’d try and find you though, don’t you?”

“What do you mean?” Ben asks.

“I mean if I remembered,” I say, staring up at him. “It’s not like I
want
to forget you, Ben.”

Ben stares back at me. “I should hope not, Evie,” he says, a cheeky grin lighting up his face. “Because I never forget you.”

I’ve suddenly lost my voice. I don’t know what’s going on here, why things suddenly feel so… different between us. What’s happened this time around to make everything so
different
?

“It’s pretty weird, huh?” I finally say, kicking Ben’s foot in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, push away this new thing between us. I watch as Ben lightly kicks mine back before hooking our ankles together, so are feet are joined. It makes my pounding heart skip a beat and when I look up at his face, I see Ben is staring at our still joined hands.

I watch him, try to work out what he’s thinking. Just as I’m about to ask, he finally looks up at me and whispers, “I think it’s pretty cool actually.”

And suddenly, my heart isn’t just beating hard inside my chest, now there are butterflies dancing in my stomach too.

What is he doing to me?

And how is he so okay with all of this?

3rd March 1990

Fourteen years old

“So do you know what happened to your other parents?” Ben asks as we walk towards the park together. We’ve been hanging out every day since we found each other again. Without even discussing it, we meet up after school during the weekdays and on the weekends, after Ben finishes work. It just happens naturally and neither of us questions it. Somehow in amongst it all, Ben has become my best friend…again.

His family has welcomed me back with open arms too, which has been amazing. There’s been a catch though, because it’s come with a million questions that I’ve had to come up with answers for. Most of the time, I wing it, Ben occasionally coming up with an answer to save my butt. It’s not great, but we’ve managed. We’ve at least avoided it at my house because Ben’s never been over to meet my new family. They’re hardly ever home anyway, so there’s not much point and it’s just easier this way.

Plus I love Ben’s family. Now I remember them, I remember how much I’ve missed them.

“Nope,” I say, kicking a stone so it skips down the road in front of us.

“Don’t you want to know?” he asks, glancing at me.

I shrug. “I don’t know…” I say.

“Well I did,” he says, surprising me as he kicks the stone, which we’ve now caught up to. “I went over there after you’d gone, you know.”

“You did?” I ask, stopping in my tracks.

Ben smiles as he grabs my arm and pulls me to keep walking. My skin tingles from his touch. “I did,” he says, kicking the stone again. “I had to do something, had to find out what the hell had happened to you.”

“And?” I ask, curious. I’ve never known what’s happened to the family I leave behind. I’ve wondered if they’ve forgotten about me just as I’ve forgotten about them. Or are they left to wonder where I’ve gone, just like Ben has.

“And someone who wasn’t your mum answered the door,” he says, his hand brushing against mine and sending shivers up my arm.

“What do you mean?” I ask, my fingers tingling. “They’d gone too?”

“Yeah,” Ben says, glancing down at me. “They’d gone, you’d gone, it was like none of you had ever existed.”

“Weird,” I whisper, not sure what to make of this.

“I know,” he says. “But then when I saw you with your mum that day, she was completely different to your old mum…”

“Yeah,” I say, knowing now that she’s actually my fourth mum.

“You know what that means?” he says.

“What?” I ask, glancing up at him.

Ben looks down at me, smiling. “It means that your other families must completely disappear, Evie. But you,” he says, nudging me with his shoulder. “You get to stay. You just move somewhere else and I have to find you again.”

The way he says this to me, I have to look away.

Look away before I say or do something stupid. All of these little things that weren’t there between us before, but are now, are making me confused. The touches, the tiny little glances, the smiles. I like how they all make me feel, even if I don’t know what to make of any it. While Ben’s always been my friend, my best friend, he’s never been like this. And the only way I can describe it, can make sense of it is, in this life, Ben Foster has somehow found a way to get under my skin.

“Maybe they disappear for good,” I say trying to distract myself from the way he’s making me feel.

“Maybe,” he says. “I mean that would be my guess.”

“Yeah,” I say as we reach the park and automatically head towards our spot on the monkey bars.

“I’m glad you don’t disappear for good though,” Ben says, as we settle on the bench at the top and he hands me the chocolate bar and coke he always brings me from work.

“You are?” I ask, surprised.

Ben nudges my shoulder again and I have to grip the bar this time to stop my body from sliding off. “Of course I am, Evie,” he says, laughing at me. “You’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine too, Ben,” I say, smiling up at him.

Ben stares at me, the smile still on his face and his blue eyes alive as he asks, “You really remember everything from before?”

All of the air disappears from my lungs. Is Ben really asking what I think he’s asking, the question he asked me three years ago.

I nod. “Everything,” I say.

Ben smiles as he looks down at me. “Good,” he says, before taking a mouthful of his coke and looking away.

And I feel myself smile, as I wonder if he realises that I want him to be more than just my best friend too.

Of course I want more.

I did answer
yes
that night.

2nd April 1991

Fifteen years old

“Hey,” Ben says as I step outside my front door.

I stop; surprised he’s here. “Hey,” I say back.

Ben smiles at me and I get that funny feeling in my stomach again; it’s like butterflies. “What are you doing?” he asks me.

“Nothing,” I shrug. “Going for a walk,” I glance down at my dog, Paws, who’s sitting at my feet, patiently waiting.

“Mind if I come along?” Ben asks, rocking on his feet as he waits for my answer.

“You don’t have to work?” I ask, even though it’s obvious he doesn’t.

“Day off,” Ben says, still smiling at me. “So, do you mind?”

I swallow, all of the butterflies speeding up at the way he’s looking at me. “Of course not,” I say smiling as I walk towards him.

Ben and I set off towards the park, walking in a comfortable silence. Paws trots along in front of us, sniffing at whatever random things he decides are worth smelling. It’s a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining and I’m bathed in a warmth that I haven’t felt in a long time. Beside me, Ben walks with his hands in his pockets, his arm occasionally brushing mine, sending shivers all through me every time it does.

It’s all still here, these feelings I have whenever I’m around him. It never stops. If anything, it’s only getting stronger now. I wonder if he feels it too. I wonder why he hasn’t asked me that question again.

“Remember when I rescued your cat?” Ben suddenly says, glancing down at me with a smile on his face.

I do remember because I remember everything now. I look up and meet his stare and my heart flips in my chest. “Yeah,” I say, smiling back at him. “My saviour.”

Ben laughs. “Mr Kitty’s saviour, actually,” he says, gently elbowing me. “Such a cute name,” he adds on and I know he’s teasing me. He loves to tease me.

I laugh, remembering the day I picked his name. I couldn’t decide what to call him and Mr Kitty had seemed like the simplest and most obvious choice. Paws, though, wasn’t chosen by me. That was just the name I found on his collar when I woke up in this life.

“I’m surprised Paws didn’t just get called Mr Dog or something, Evie,” Ben says, almost laughing at me now.

“Shut up,” I say, poking him in the ribs.

“Hey!” he says, his arm reaching out and wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me close to him.

My heart flips in my chest again.

I want to make some smartarse comment back to him, but I can’t because I’m suddenly unable to speak. Ben’s arm is a comfortable weight around me, holding me against him and he’s walking along as though this is all completely normal while I’m trying hard not to float away.
How does he do this to me?

“I’m only teasing you, you know,” he eventually says, his fingers squeezing my shoulder and making me lose my breath.

I look up at him, just as he looks down at me. When our eyes meet, they lock, and in this single moment I feel like I’m somehow looking at my future. I see Ben’s blue eyes widen, ever so slightly. I watch as he licks his bottom lip, as though he’s contemplating something. I feel my breath catch as I wonder if he’s about to kiss me, a memory from seven years ago suddenly flashing before me. I watch as Ben moves ever so slightly closer to me, and I blink, thinking yes, he’s going to. My heart pounds in my chest, wanting him to more than anything.

Then suddenly, I’m jerked forward as Paws takes off, his unexpected movement pulling the leash from my hand.

“Shit,” I say, whatever it was between us broken as I turn to run after my dog, who has apparently seen a cat and decided to chase after it. “Paws!” I call out, running down the street. He’s racing after it and all I can see is a flash of ginger and the bundle of black and white that is Paws running after it. He crosses the street and I glance quickly in both directions, making sure there are no cars, before I chase after him. “Paws, come here!”

I can hear Ben laughing behind me and when I glance backwards, he’s jogging casually towards me, no urgency in his stride.

“A little help?” I ask now as I run into someone’s front yard, where Paws has the ginger cat barrelled up against the front door. “Paws!” I call to him, grabbing the end of the lead before he can take off again. Yanking on it, I drag my barking and jumping dog back towards the street.

When I turn around, Ben is standing at the front gate laughing his head off. I stomp towards him, my hand on his chest as I push him out of the way so I can get past. Ben moves to let me, but as I walk past him, I feel his hand grab mine. His grip is tight, his fingers holding on to me as though he’s not letting go.

I stop and turn back. Our arms are stretched between us, joined only by our hands. Ben’s face is alive with laughter, his eyes sparkling with mischief and humour as he smiles at me.

“What?” I ask, pissed at Ben because he has just spent the whole time laughing at me, instead of helping me catch my damn dog.

“This,” is all he says, as he takes two steps towards me, threads the fingers of our joined hands together and kisses me.

If I thought the butterflies were bad before, they are nothing short of crazy right now. My heart is pounding in my chest, hammering away as though it’s trying to escape and I can’t tell if it’s from running after Paws, from Ben, or both. Paws is still barking at my feet, his eyes on the cat as he jumps up and down, trying to get away again.

But I’m not noticing any of it, because all I can feel are Ben’s lips, pressed against mine. They are soft and warm and they are kissing me like they mean business. I feel the tip of his tongue as it gently touches my lips and I open them instinctively, letting him in. Ben’s hand lets go of mine, sliding around my waist as he pulls me closer, his other hand sliding into my hair, to the back of my neck. Our bodies are pressed together and my hand reaches up and grabs the front of Ben’s t-shirt, holding him to me. Ben moans when my fingers tighten against his chest and the butterflies in my stomach are all trying to escape now.

Everything about Ben feels amazing. His lips against mine, his breath in my mouth, his arms wrapped around me. He’s pulling me in, just like he’s always done, but in a way that is so much better than before.

This is the Ben I want more of. This is the Ben I never want to let go of.

And all of this is the Ben who is so much better than I ever imagined him to be.

We finally pull apart, both of us breathing a little heavier. Ben’s eyes, when they gaze down at me, are sparkling with amusement and there’s the tiniest hint of a smile on the mouth I’ve just been kissing.

“What was that for?” I whisper.

“That, Evie Smith,” Ben says, his smile bigger now. “Was because I wanted to kiss you.”

I smile up at him, biting my lip as I ask. “And what if I didn’t want to kiss you?”

Ben laughs, sending shivers all through me. His fingers tighten around my waist. “Sure seemed like you wanted to kiss me,” he says, one eyebrow raised in suggestion.

I stare up at him wondering if I make it that obvious or if it’s just because we both want the same thing here. “Is that so?” I ask, subtly pushing up on my toes a little.

“It is,” Ben says confidently. “I’m pretty sure, not only did you
want
me to kiss you, Evie, but
you
wanted to kiss me too. Just as badly,” he says, the fingers of his other hand still holding the back of my neck. “I think you’ve been wanting me to kiss you again for a very long time.”

I laugh, half at his cockiness, half because he’s absolutely spot-on. It’s actually all I’ve been thinking about for days, weeks, months now. Ever since I remembered the kiss he gave me the day before my eighth birthday, all those years ago.

These days, I just can’t seem to stop thinking about Ben Foster at all.

“What do you think, Evie?” he whispers, his eyes still on mine. “Am I right?”

“I think, Ben,” I say as I tighten my grip on his t-shirt and pull him towards me, no longer afraid of showing him what I want. “That you are absolutely right.”

“Good answer, Evie,” he says.

And then I kiss him all over again.

We eventually make it to the park where I let Paws off his lead so Ben can throw the ball I’ve brought along for him. I stand beside him, close but not touching and we watch as Paws runs off to fetch the ball.

“You know this means you really are my girlfriend now, don’t you?” Ben suddenly says.

I glance up and see he’s still watching Paws, a smile on his face. “Does it?” I ask.

Ben leans down to get the ball off the ground that Paws has dropped at his feet. I watch him throw it again before he turns to look at me. “It does.”

“You still want me to be your girlfriend?” I ask, wondering if he really does remember asking me that question five years ago.

Ben turns to face me now, his hand sliding to the back of my neck and pulling me into his warmth. I feel a shiver from the touch of his fingers, which runs all the way down my spine. “Didn’t I already ask you that question?” he whispers, his amazing blue eyes staring into mine as I realise he does.

“A long time ago,” I whisper.

Ben smiles. “Have you been waiting for me to ask you again, Evie?” I nod, making Ben laugh. “So why didn’t you just ask me?” he asks, his thumb brushing against my skin. “You could’ve asked me, you know.”

I feel like I’ve lost my voice, that I can’t possibly get any words out when Ben is holding me like this, staring at me like he is. I shrug in response.

Ben smiles again, tilting his head as he says, “You can ask me anything, Evie, tell me anything. You know that, right?”

I nod at his words, knowing they are true, especially when he already knows my biggest secret. “Yeah,” I whisper, the word floating between us. “I know I can.”

“So, how about it then,” he continues, his adorable smile tugging at his mouth. “Will you be my girlfriend?”

I swallow, wondering how I can possibly say anything other than the truth. I do want to be his girlfriend; I’ve always wanted to be his girlfriend. “Ben…” I whisper, my voice trailing off.

“What,” he murmurs, his blue eyes holding me in their gaze. He doesn’t understand, doesn’t realise that I’ve already answered him; that I told him the night I disappeared when he first asked me.

“I answered you that night, you know,” I tell him.

“I didn’t see it,” Ben says, taking another step closer so we are almost touching. “What was your answer, Evie?”

I nod, staring up at him. “Yes. My answer was yes, Ben.”

He smiles at me now, leaning in to press another kiss to my lips. I want to kiss him, but there’s something else I need to clear up first. Something important. I pull back a little and Ben stops.

“What?” he says. “What’s wrong?”

I take a deep breath. “Next year,” I say quietly. “It’s a leap year.” I don’t say anymore, wondering if he’ll realise what I mean.

“You think it’s going to happen again?” he asks, his fingers gently brushing against the skin on the back of my neck. It sends another round of shivers racing down my spine. I nod, unable to get any words out. I don’t care about the leap year anymore; I only care about the now, about Ben touching me like he is. About Ben kissing me again.

Ben smiles as he reads my mind and leans in to kiss me, his lips barely touching mine as he whispers, “Then if it does, I’ll just wait for you, Evie Smith. I’ll wait for you to find me again.”

“You will?” I breathe out.

“I will. And when you do, you’ll still be my girlfriend.”

“I will,” I breathe out, the words lost between us now as he stares down at me.

I want to ask him if this is real, if what we’re feeling is real, if his words are real. If
he
can possibly be real. But I can’t, and then my body is melting into his as Ben’s other arm wraps around my waist and pulls me against him. My hands hold onto the front of his shirt, never wanting to let him go.

I feel like I’ve finally found something to hang on to.