Losing Control (32 page)

“Don’t do that,” Meredith cautioned him. “Don’t get angry about what you weren’t able to prevent. If you want to be angry, then get angry at the man that did this, not at the situation. You’ll never be able to change it and you’ll never get closure. Especially since you turned Raymond over to Dino, you’re just setting yourself up for failure. You’ve got to get your head on straight to help her move past this.”

“Is that what Tyler did?” he asked, his tone low.

She thought for a long time about what she wanted to tell Jagger about her life with the man she loved. They were usually private people, but she had come to think of Bianca as a younger sister and Jagger a younger brother in all the time they had hung out together recently. She really liked this couple and she wanted them to make it, but she didn’t know how they would react to this. At some point in her own recovery she had made the decision that if she could help just one person with what she had been through then maybe it was worth it. Telling him what she and Tyler had gone through now served that purpose rather than keeping a secret. What she and Bianca had been through was not shameful, and there was no reason to treat it that way.

“Tyler decided to seek therapy with me,” she told him plainly, her voice clear. There was no hesitation in her words. She was as honest with him as she would be with herself.

“Therapy?”

“Yeah. As in, I see someone and talk to them once every couple of weeks. Before, it was a couple of times a week. Now though, I’m to the point where sometimes I go a few weeks without seeing her. Tyler decided that in order to help me, he would do the same.” She crossed her legs and turned to face him in her chair. “That’s not to say that he goes with me every time, because he doesn’t. He only goes when he feels that there’s something he needs to discuss. There was a point in time when he needed to discuss some pretty big issues that had to deal with me. Now it’s a little bit different. Sometimes we have things as a couple that we can’t agree on together. When we get to that point, we take it to our sessions. The doctor helps us discuss things on even ground and helps us so that we don’t hurt each other in the process of getting our feelings out.”

That made sense to Jagger. “He is pretty set in his ways,” he grinned.

“You don’t live with the man.”

“So, it doesn’t make you look at Tyler any differently for going to see this doctor?” he asked.

The concern was genuinely there, and that surprised her. Maybe there were other issues in Jagger’s life that he wanted to seek guidance on, but that wasn’t for her to find out. “Not at all. Just like he doesn’t look at me any different.”

Jagger took a deep breath and then let it out. It obviously weighed heavily on his mind.

She reached over and gently touched his hand. “It’s an investment in the rest of our lives, Jagger. We know that we want to be together and things can’t be perfect all the time. Those first few moments of being newly in love and thinking that your partner is always going to be what you need them to be aren’t realistic. Tyler and I learned that pretty early on. If you have issues, it’s good to try and work those out. Nobody is going to think that you’re weak or wrong for wanting to do that.”

He bit his lip. “Do you think you could give me the number of the person that you see?”

She smiled softly at him. “I’ll do you one better—here’s her card.” She fished around in her purse until she pulled out a well-worn card. “I have the number committed to memory now, but you call her if you need her. She’s an amazing woman. It will only make your relationship with Bianca stronger if the two of you are honest with each other from the start. Don’t be scared of it.”

What she said was true, and he knew without a doubt that there would be some backlash from the things that had taken place in the kitchen. For once in his life he wanted to be proactive about what could happen with the two of them. Protecting her hadn’t worked, but he could help her heal. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her and helping her heal would be small in the grand scheme of things.

“Since you’re here, I’m gonna head out. Call us if you need anything?”

He nodded as she bent down to hug him. “Thanks for everything.”

“You’re family,” she grinned. “And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for family.”

Bianca’s head hurt, even before she opened her eyes to see that it was blessedly dark—wherever she was. Her neck was stiff as she tried to work the tension out of it and her throat felt as if she had swallowed glass. Forcing her eyes open, she realized she was in a hospital room and Jagger sat at her side, doing something with his phone. She was so thirsty.

“Jagger?” she whispered, her voice sounding distorted even to her own ears.

“You’re awake? Oh thank God!” He rushed over to her side and put his hands on her, making sure that every part of her was there and accounted for.

“Are you okay?” she asked him.

Tears pricked his eyes and his throat was uncharacteristically tight as he nodded. “I’m fine, I’m more worried about you.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Do you need something?”

“Thirsty,” she managed to press past her lips.

Quickly he went to where a pitcher of water sat and poured some into a cup. A straw lay next to the pitcher, and he put it into the liquid and bent it so that she would be able to get the drink easily. With his help, she lifted up off the bed, groaning as her body protested. After she took a few sips, she indicated she was done and lay back against the pillows with a sigh.

“You in pain?”

“Yeah, I feel like I’ve been in a car accident,” she admitted.

Upon closer inspection, he could see a purple bruise sneaking out from where the gown gapped at her shoulder. “How did you hurt your shoulder?”

She looked at where he pointed and cleared her throat cautiously. “We went down trying to get the gun from each other. The metal serving line isn’t made to lie on,” she tried to crack a joke.

Jagger watched as she glanced around the room. This was awkward and he wasn’t sure why. He was so excited to have her open her eyes and sit up, but she seemed to be nervous around him. “Do I make you nervous?”

Her tongue popped out from between her lips, and she licked the bottom one. “I just feel off-kilter,” she admitted.

“Do you want me to go get the doctor?” he asked. He hated that she felt weird with him. He should be the last person in the world she felt weird with. They had never had that dynamic in their relationship, but he remembered what Meredith had told him. She would need him to be patient.

“If you don’t mind. I would like to know when I can go home.”

So formal with him, but he knew he had to make things as easy for her as he could. “I’ll be right back,” he told her. Before he left, he picked up her hand and kissed the back of it tenderly. “I know things are different right now and we both need some time to decompress, but know that I love you more than anything in this world.”

All Bianca could do was nod. Words came to her mouth, but she couldn’t open it. She couldn’t form them like she normally did. It was like that part of her had been ripped apart and not put back together yet. She wanted so badly to return the sentiment that he had just given her, but it just wasn’t here. Not like it had been hours ago. Putting her arms around her stomach, she realized all she wanted was to feel like herself. The startling reality came to her that she didn’t know when that would ever happen again.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

J
agger sat on the porch of Doctor Jones’ office.

Waiting.

He had allowed two weeks to go by. Two weeks in which he had wordlessly given Bianca the space that she requested. He had let her stay at her own apartment, not pressuring her to stay with him. The way she tensed every time he came near, the way she refused to meet his eyes, the way she shrank away from anything resembling a real conversation between the two of them. Now, he was ready to move forward—tired of waiting on her to admit she needed him. Instead, he was going to make her see just how much she needed him in this journey with her.

Meredith had been right on many of the things she had assumed when she handed Jagger the card for Doctor Jones. He did have issues that needed to be worked on—just like he knew Bianca did. They had issues together. In the past two long, lonely weeks he had spent without her, he’d worked on himself. Now, more than any other time in his life, he was equipped to handle whatever she needed from him. Talking to Doctor Jones had been, for lack of a better word, therapy for him. He understood things about himself that he had never before understood. The only thing that escaped him was how to get Bianca to talk to him.

After speaking with Denise and Meredith, they had let him in on the fact that Bianca had a standing appointment with Doc Jones on this day at this time each week. On a leap of faith, he had called the good doctor and explained to her what he wanted to do. She had agreed, without breaking any confidences, that the idea had its merits.

That brought him to where he was today, sitting on the porch waiting for Bianca to come to her appointment.

He missed her, that was the root of all this. He couldn’t live without her, and he had to make her see that. Out of everything he had learned over the past few weeks about himself, his greatest lesson was that he couldn’t make it without that person standing beside him. That person for him was Bianca.

“Are you sure she made an appointment this week?” He walked to the door and spoke to the doctor.

“You know there are only certain things I can tell you, Jagger. The only thing I can tell you about this is that you’re double-booked.”

He knew that to mean that Bianca was scheduled to be here. The fact that she was a few minutes away from being late made him nervous. Just as he was about to talk to the doctor again, he saw her car coming down the drive, kicking up dust and gravel as she made her way to the office.

Bianca saw him as she parked and her heart beat faster. He was the person she had longed to see for weeks, but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to call him. She still felt awkward where he was concerned. At the same time, she was excited that he was here right now. As she got out of the car, he made his way to her. The loose-legged gait that held just a little bit of swagger ate up the distance between them. When he stood directly in front of her, he stopped, obviously waiting for a sign from her.