Looks Over(Gives Light Series) (19 page)

Dad sat at my side, his knees raised and his somber face as inexpressive as ever.  Suddenly he lifted his arm and waved.  I followed his gaze, intrigued.  I saw Officer Hargrove and her kids coming up the lane.

"I thought you'd gotten lost," Dad said, a muted smile on his lips.

"I know, right?  There's no room to park around here," Officer Hargrove joked.

Balto inched his way along the ground, sniffing curiously at the familiar newcomers.

"Puppy!" Jessica said.  "Mommy, can I pet him?"

"That doesn't look like any puppy I've ever seen," Officer Hargrove said, eyeing Balto skeptically.

I waved until I got Officer Hargrove's attention.  I leaned over and scratched Balto's ears.  Officer Hargrove relaxed.  "Fine, honey," she said.  Jessica keened with laughter and reached for Balto with both hands.

DeShawn squeezed himself in at my side.  "I researched this game extensively, for accuracy's sake.  Do you play eastern style, or northwestern style?"

Rafael gave him a weird look.

Ms. Siomme and Dr. Stout's team was up against Mr. Red Clay and Mr. Little Hawk's team.  Mr. At Dawn drew fresh chalk lines on the soil and stepped back while the teams took positions.  Ms. Siomme beckoned for Mr. Red Clay with a crooked finger.  Mr. Red Clay pointed toward himself, bemused, for confirmation.  Ms. Siomme nodded.

Mr. Red Clay approached the midway line and Ms. Siomme bopped him on the head with an open palm.

Mr. At Dawn blew his whistle.  The teams scrimmaged furiously--but the game was over in seconds, the women victorious.  Mr. Little Hawk dropped his stick with disappointment and Ms. Siomme and Dr. Stout high-fived one another.  Ms. Siomme shot a wink at Mr. Red Clay over her shoulder.  Mr. Red Clay looked ashamed.  He had fallen for a lovely woman's guiles, as men of his persuasion are so tragically inclined.

"Next!" Mr. At Dawn boomed.

Granny sat with us and handed out thick stacks of frybread.  DeShawn said "Thank you" and Holly said "I'm already fat" and Daisy shushed us while Aubrey's team took the field.

I knew who Lorna was right away.  She was a twelfth grader, and as tall as a fully grown man--and a good deal bulkier.  I smiled and waved when she looked my way.  She blushed.  So that's why they called her Shy Lorna.

Aubrey's team was ruthless.  Lorna was the brick wall halting her opponents' progress and Aubrey was an impressive combination of lightning and thunder, lightning-fast on long legs, thunder-fierce when he punched the tapikolo past Stuart Stout and clean across the enemy line.  My best guess was that years of farmwork had regimented his muscles beyond the immediately evident.  He beamed and saluted when we applauded his team's victory.  I noticed his glasses were taped to his ears.

"Next!" Mr. At Dawn bellowed.

"That's us!" Daisy hissed. 

I picked up the shinny stick lying at my side.  The ten of us rose and walked over to the playing field.  Zeke was so excited, he was practically vibrating.

We faced our opponents, stalwart, ready for combat.  Autumn Rose In Winter giggled and blushed.  Prairie Rose rudely wiggled her behind.

"Go get 'em, Raf!" I heard Gabriel shout.

Mr. At Dawn blew his whistle.  Daisy and Siobhan Stout scrimmaged for the tapikolo.  Daisy whisked the buckskin sack away and passed it to Lila.  Lila ran the tapikolo up to the enemy line where Matthew Tall Ridge intercepted.  Immaculata barreled at him out of nowhere, forcing him to dive out of her way and abandon the tapikolo.

Was that move even allowed?  I looked at Mr. At Dawn.  Mr. At Dawn scratched his beard.

I caught the tapikolo on the end of my stick; Prairie Rose charged at me and I lobbed it across the soil to Dad.  Dad launched it at the enemy line--but Mrs. In Winter blocked it.  Granny shot up the playing field like a bullet--I heard a roar of approval from the audience--she stole the tapikolo from Mrs. In Winter and sent it rocketing toward the far end of the field.  The audience cheered.  We'd won.

"I just hope we don't play Aubrey's team," said Rafael, a touch surly as we sat down and rested on the grass. 

"Oh, I'm counting on it," Annie said, eyes dancing.

Zeke screamed and cheered when his cousin's team played and won.  Holly gave him a look of gloom.

I thought:  If I'm going to get him to talk, it had better be right now.  I reached over and tapped Zeke's shoulder.

"Eh?"  He spared me a quick glance, distracted by the game.  "What is it?"

I tapped him again to make sure I'd gotten his attention.  When he looked at me, I ran my fingers over the left half of my face.

Zeke gulped.  "Look, man," he said, "that's none of your business.  Why are you prying, anyway?"

I gave him a dry smile.  I knew what I would have liked to say. 
It's not prying if I'm worried about you.  I'm worried about you.

I couldn't say it--and he didn't give me the chance.  He moved over on the grass to sit closer to Immaculata.  He ignored me for the rest of the game.

Annie's prediction came true a couple of matches later, and our team was paired against Aubrey's.  The ten of us went back to the playing field to face our opponents.  Aubrey's brother Isaac dragged his finger across his throat.  Annie rolled her eyes.

Mr. At Dawn touched up the chalk lines on the ground.  I heard Officer Hargrove clapping and calling my name.  I can't describe how that felt.  At John J. Calamiere, my old school, the only way to be mute without being bullied was to be invisible, too.  Naturally I had never been on a sports team; but even if I had, I'd never had a mother to cheer me on.

Officer Hargrove isn't your mother, I told myself quickly.  Just
a
mother.

Holly got ready to scrimmage with Aubrey.  Annie shook her head.  She pulled Holly aside at the last minute and they traded places.

"Hey!" Daisy shouted.  "That's not what we agreed on!"

Mr. At Dawn blew his whistle.

The effect was instantaneous.  Aubrey, ever the gentleman, hesitated.  Annie tried to swing the tapikolo past him.  She almost succeeded, too.  Sort of.  Okay, she knocked it over his head.  I could understand now why Aubrey had taped his glasses to his ears.  Zeke jabbered incomprehensibly and ran around Aubrey to collect the tapikolo.  Lorna stepped in front of him like a roadblock, grunting, and he fell to the ground.

"Get it!  Get it!" Lila shouted.

But nobody was willing to contend with Shy Lorna's brute strength.

I braced myself and dashed forward.  I swung my stick at the tapikolo and Lorna, blushing, froze up.  The tapikolo skidded across the ground to Granny.  Granny passed it to Rafael.  Aubrey came out of nowhere and knocked it out of Rafael's reach.

"Dumbass!" Lila shouted.

"Lila!" Annie shouted.

Aubrey ran the tapikolo all the way to our end of the field.  He slowed when he noticed Annie running along his side.

"
Aubrey!
" Isaac screeched.  "This is not a date!"

Immaculata lunged at Aubrey.  Aubrey yelped and rolled to the ground, Annie stepping calmly out of his way.  Zeke bopped his mouth and let out a war whoop.  Immaculata passed the tapikolo to Granny.  It took Granny maybe a split second to shoot the tapikolo across the enemy line.

"And
that
," Ms. Threefold yelled from the audience, "is what makes shinny a woman's game!"

I grinned with disbelief.  Never mind that the next team was probably going to cream us.  It still felt pretty cool to have beaten the biggest, baddest kids in town.  Even if one of those big bad kids was our best friend. 

Dad pat Zeke on the back.  Annie and Immaculata shook hands, Annie's face glowing and mischievous.  Granny and Lila high-fived one another, Granny's ponytail resting over her shoulder, and I laughed to see their camaraderie.  I clapped my hand on Rafael's back and he grinned at me, boyish and beautiful.

God, was he beautiful.  I thought about how many times he must have missed out on shinny because nobody wanted to play for his team.  I felt so inexpressibly happy that he finally had friends.  I wanted everyone to know how incredible he was.  If I could have shouted it from my rooftop, maybe I would have.

Maybe he knew what I was thinking.  Maybe that was why he faltered; why he raised his hand and sifted his fingers through my curls.  Maybe that was why he bent down and kissed me in front of the whole crowd.

I can't explain what was going through my mind, because it happened so fast, it was over by the time I processed any of it.  My lips felt warm, my stomach heavy with dread.  It was one thing to touch each other in private.  Privacy was lauded in the Shoshone world.  As far as Nettlebush went, I had never seen a boy and a girl kiss in public, let alone two boys.

I looked around the clearing.  Nothing had changed.  Neighbors were clapping for their friends' kids.  Mr. At Dawn was looking for the errant tapikolo, thrust off to parts unknown by Granny's powerful blow.  Nobody cared.   Nobody cared who I loved or didn't love.  It had nothing to do with them.  Why should they feel one way or another about it?

Not just loving, but being free to love--I think that's the best feeling on earth.

We lost the next round to the fifty-year-old farmers, who went on to win the title match.

"It's that little Betty Thorn Bush," Granny cursed.  "Still showing me up, after all these years!"

You win some, you lose some. 

13

Car Crash

"Do you think you'll participate in the sun dance?" Annie asked.

Annie and I sat on the front porch and bundled brown paper around stacks of jewelry and cassette tapes.  We'd had another hit on the tribal website.

I don't even know what the sun dance is
, I confessed. 

Rafael and Aubrey had mentioned the sun dance a couple of times over the summer.  From what I'd gathered, it was a week-long spring ritual that took place in the badlands.  Unfortunately, that was all I'd gathered.

"Hmm...  Well, I don't know much about it myself.  It's for men only."

Poor you
, I teased.

"Ha, ha," she said humorlessly.  "I'm not missing out on much.  Women have the full moon ceremony all to themselves.  And no, I'm not telling you about it."

I thought back to the isolation tents and Rafael's childhood curiosity.  I grinned.

We went to the hospital and dropped off our merchandise in the mail room.  Annie linked her arm through mine on the walk back.

Do you think Mr. Owns Forty hits Zeke?
I signed.

Annie perused me pensively.  "I don't know.  Do you?"

Sometimes it was really hard to get a straight answer out of Annie.

Zeke won't tell me.

"I'd imagine not.  It's none of your business."

She wasn't being critical.  That's just the way Shoshone view familial matters.

I thought:  Once familial matters entailed someone getting hurt, they had no business staying private.

I'll tell Dad
, I decided. 
He can talk to Mr. Owns Forty.

"But will he?"

I stared at her.  I smiled quizzically.  Of course he would.  Dad wasn't the sort to sit back and let someone else's kid suffer.

Dad said as much when I approached him later on.

He read the sticky note I'd handed him and shook his head.  "I don't know whether Luke would hit his boy," he said.  "I'll talk to him.  The Luke I knew was an attentive father--you had to see him with Naomi--but loss changes people, Cubby.  Sometimes it destroys them."

I thought of Rafael's sister and her detox.  I thought of Mr. Owns Forty, drunk, Rosa confronting him at the gas station.  I didn't understand why people in pain chose to hurt themselves in other ways.  Maybe it was a good thing that I couldn't understand it.

I remembered the long drive to Nevada and how sorry I'd felt for Gabriel and Rosa.  I reclaimed my post-it pad as Dad sat down at the kitchen table.  I wrote a quick note and handed it to him.

Dad read the note, amused.  "Mother won't let you drive?"

I pretended to rub the tears from my eyes.

"Well," Dad said, "I'm sure she has her reasons..."

But maybe Dad could talk to her for me and get her to change her mind.  I took up the notepad again, but Dad interrupted me faster than I could write.

"No."

I lowered the notepad and regarded him.  I didn't understand.

"You have to wait for the adoption to finalize," he explained.  "To get a learner's permit, you have to show the DMV your birth certificate.  When Mother adopts you, the state will seal your old birth certificate and give you a new one.  Odd, I know.  Still, you'll have gone to trouble for nothing if you dig up your old birth certificate and it's rendered invalid within a few days."

When he put it that way, I guessed it made sense.  But exactly how long was that supposed to take?  We still didn't have a new case worker yet.

I went to Rafael's house that evening and helped him clean his room.  "Rosa won't get off my back," he offered by way of explanation.  I could see why.  Rafael's bedroom was more cluttered than a noisy hen coop.  Clothes lay on the floor and on the standing radio, most of which I'd never seen Rafael wear, not even once; and there were so many library books on the bed that he'd had to move his pillow and comforter to the floor.  I didn't know the library lets you take that many books at a time.  Wait, why didn't he just put the books on the floor?