Looking Through Windows (7 page)

Emily shook her head no. "Caroline didn't want anyone to know about us. She insisted all we needed was each other."

"Please don't take this the wrong way – I don't mean to belittle Caroline, but it seems as if she dictated an awful lot about your relationship. Were you okay with all the secrecy? All the hiding?"

"It's not like I had a choice," Emily said a little defensively.

"I'm sorry," Ann said quickly.

"No, I'm sorry, Ann," Emily reached a hand out apologetically, "I just… I guess I did have a choice, but I wasn't prepared to take the chance that she would leave."

After that, there were long lapses with each lost in her own thoughts.

When they got back to town, Ann took Emily to where her car was waiting. "Ann," Emily began, "there aren't words enough to thank you." She looked into Ann's eyes, so clear and blue she felt she was falling into them. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

Ann thought about the pills, and she turned to face Emily. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Emily, I have to know that you're not going to do anything to hurt yourself."

Emily burned a deep red, and, looking down at her hands, she murmured, "That night… I can't deny I thought about it, but I could never have done that to you."

"That only tells me you wouldn't have done it in my apartment.  I need to know you won't do it at all."

Emily met Ann's eyes.  "I promise you, that won't happen. I can't tell you how ashamed I am…"

"You don't have to be ashamed of hurting, Emily.  Just don't bottle it up until it threatens to kill you." She reached out and laid a hand on Emily's knee. "Promise me you'll talk to someone – me or a counselor or whoever."

"I promise." Emily smiled. Reaching for the door handle, she said, "See you later."

As she drove to the Gundlach house, Emily saw Ann's note flapping on the windshield. She removed it when she parked and tucked it into her pocket.

"Emily!" said Mrs. Gundlach as she came in. "Did you have a nice weekend, my dear?" Her voice was cheerful and casual, but her eyes were anxious, searching.

"It was a good weekend," Emily tried to convey to Mrs. Gundlach that she was okay. It had been a good weekend, good for her soul despite the pain that had surfaced.

She had a quiet dinner with the Gundlachs, telling them about the towns and shops they had visited. She said goodnight early, and went up to bed. She felt fairly sure the disturbing dreams of the past four years would be less frequent now.

Chapter 12

W
hen Emily got to the office Monday morning, she apologized to the other grad students. She knew that Ann had gone to them, and that they must have been worried. She told them that she had unexpectedly become ill, which she figured was close to the truth. She also apologized to her French class that afternoon. They seemed fine with her explanation and were more interested in Wednesday's exam.

Ann noticed during their brief meetings at the change of classes that Emily's eyes looked brighter, though her face was still thin. She seemed to be having fun teaching, something that had been missing for the last few weeks. Emily settled into a more normal study schedule. She and Ann met at the library a few times and studied together.

Friday afternoon when she got back to the Gundlach house, Mrs. Gundlach told her that Ann had dropped by with a package, which she had left up in Emily's room. When Emily got upstairs, she scanned the room but didn't see anything. Not until she stepped into the room and looked back at her bed did she see it. Caroline's painting was propped against the headboard.

Emily's breath caught in her throat, and she couldn't move for a moment. Slowly, she went to the bed, and took the framed canvas in her hands. She could see Caroline at her easel that day on Skyline Drive. She could see the brush strokes, which were uniquely hers. Her hands were trembling as her finger traced the small CBLAKE in the lower right corner of the canvas.

She sat there for a long time, and finally propped the painting on her desk. She went down to tell Mrs. Gundlach she'd be out for a while, and then drove to Ann's apartment. When Ann opened the door, Emily stepped in and hugged her. Surprised at the spontaneity of Emily's gesture, Ann wrapped her arms around Emily and held her tightly. Emily whispered, "You leave me speechless."

"You don't have to say anything," Ann said softly. "I just wanted you to have it." She let Emily go and invited her in.

As Emily came into the living room, she saw an open suitcase on the bed in the room beyond. "I'm sorry. You were packing to go somewhere," she apologized.

"Don't be silly," Ann said. "I was talking to my parents last night and decided to go home this weekend."

"Good for you," Emily said, although it suddenly felt a little empty knowing that Ann wouldn't be in town.

"Why don't you come with me?" Ann's eyes lit up.

Emily thought about her workload. There was nothing very pressing. "How would your parents feel about someone they don't know coming into their home for the weekend?"

"They love company," Ann assured her, "and I really want you to meet them. Say you'll go."

Emily smiled at Ann's earnest expression. "I'll run home and pack. I don't think I should wear your clothes this time."

Ann laughed and said she'd be by in half an hour to pick Emily up.

Emily packed quickly, tossing one nice outfit into her suitcase in the event they went out. Ann arrived promptly, and they set off. The trees were at their peak, and as the evening waned, the angled rays of the sun set the trees on fire.

They stopped for a quick dinner at a small restaurant, and then continued their trip. Just like last weekend, the conversation drifted among a variety of topics as if they had known one another for years. Within two hours, they were pulling into a long, tree-lined drive. On either side were white board fences, but Emily couldn't see beyond them in the darkness. The drive led up to a beautiful stone and white clapboard house, which was lit in welcome. There was a deep front porch that wrapped around the house, with its shallow roof extending out from under the second story windows. Off to one side was a large detached garage, also two stories, with four bays for cars.

Ann parked in one of the bays, and they pulled out their suitcases. There was a sharp chill in the air, and their breath was frosty in the diffused light from the house.

Ann burst through the door. "We're here!" she announced. Her parents came from different parts of the house.

Her mother hurried over and gave her daughter a big hug. "Welcome home, honey." She held her at arm's length, and looked her up and down. "Campus life must agree with you."

"Hello, Annie," her father said warmly as he came in from another room. "You look wonderful."  He gave Ann a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi, Dad," Ann said, kissing him back. "I want you both to meet a dear friend of mine, Emily Warner."

"Hello, Emily," Katharine said, taking Emily's hand in both of hers.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Hight."

"Please, call me Katharine," she insisted. "This is Ann's father, Owen." Emily could see how strongly Ann resembled her father as she shook his hand.

"We're glad to have you, Emily," Owen said, holding her hand a moment longer. "Did you two get any dinner?"

"We stopped on the road, but I'm hungry again," Ann said. "I don't suppose there's any pie in the kitchen?" she teased her mother.

"Oh, I might be able to scrounge some up," her mother laughed.

They all went to the kitchen, a large comfortable room with an enamel woodstove giving it a cozy warmth. Owen made coffee while Katharine cut big pieces of the thickest apple pie Emily had ever seen. When they sat down at the table, Emily's first bite melted in her mouth.

"This is the best apple pie I've ever tasted!" she exclaimed.

"Well thank you, Emily," Katharine said, smiling proudly. "I'm surprised my family don't all weigh a ton as much food as they go through."

"Can't help it," Ann said with her mouth full. "Your cooking is wonderful!"

"Hush," her mother scolded. "And don't talk with your mouth full."

Emily laughed, and Ann grinned back at her. They all polished off their pie, and sat drinking coffee and chatting. Ann told her parents all about her classes.

"And what do you do, Emily?" Katharine asked.

"I'm working on my doctorate and teaching German and French," Emily replied. "Teaching takes care of my tuition and gives me a small stipend."

"Hey, look!" Ann exclaimed, jumping up from the table. "It's snowing!" They all peered out the kitchen window. In the light spilling onto the back patio, thick flakes of snow were falling. It was already starting to stick to the grass.

"Want to go for a walk?" Ann asked.

"You two go ahead," Owen said. "Your mother and I will pass for now."

Ann and Emily went to get their jackets. They hadn't brought hats or gloves, so Ann rummaged around in an old wooden chest in the front hall, and found some they could wear.

After the girls had left the house, Katharine turned to Owen. "Have you ever seen her this happy?"

"No," Owen smiled thoughtfully, "I don't think I have."

Ann and Emily ran into the night, feeling a childlike thrill at the cold wetness of snowflakes landing on their faces. They tried to catch them on their tongues, blinking when the large flakes stuck to their eyelashes. The snow was coming down fast, and their tracks were covered quickly. They stayed outside until their cheeks were numb, and then went back in.

"Oh, that was fun," they laughed as they shook snow off their jackets and took off their snowy shoes. Neither of them had brought boots. They went to get fresh cups of coffee and joined Katharine and Owen who were sitting in the den with a roaring fire and an old movie on the television. The movie was 'Bringing Up Baby' with Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant.

"That's what this house reminds me of!" Emily exclaimed as Hepburn and Grant ran around the aunt's farmhouse.

"I think my father was secretly in love with Katharine Hepburn," Katharine said.

'He's not the only one,'
Emily thought.

Katharine continued.  "He had an architect design this house after that one, and I was named for her. I inherited the farm when he died, and we've lived here ever since."

"I think your father knew what he was doing," Owen observed. "You certainly had her red hair and, uh…"

"Independence," she finished for him.

"I was going to say stubbornness," Owen laughed, "but independence is a good word."

Emily blushed and Ann laughed as Owen put his arms around his wife and gave her a kiss. Emily genuinely liked them. They were obviously very much in love, and she could see where Ann got her openness, but she wasn't accustomed to such displays of affection. Her parents were very reserved in comparison.

They all settled back to watch the remainder of the movie. When it was over, Owen and Katharine said goodnight. Ann turned off the television and the lights, and put another log on the fire.

"Your parents are great," Emily said as Ann sat back down beside her on the sofa.

"Yes," she agreed, "I think I'll keep them."

"They seem to be very much in love. How long have they been married?"

"Thirty-three years." Ann looked into the fire. "That's the kind of relationship I want, one that grows stronger with time."

They were silent for a while, watching the light of the fire flicker on the furniture and listening to the popping of the logs.

"Why aren't you dating anyone?" Emily asked. They hadn't talked at all about Ann's relationships.

"I haven't met anybody recently that I care to date," Ann shrugged. "The last man I dated steadily was another Peace Corps volunteer. We were pretty serious while I was in Africa, but he just wasn't someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

"Ann," Emily started, and then hesitated, "you must have been told often how beautiful you are." She swallowed. "You must have men constantly asking you out."

"Yes," Ann replied honestly. Emily appreciated Ann's lack of false modesty. "But after a couple of dates, when you expect to be getting to know someone, I still catch them looking around to see if other men are noticing." She stirred the fire and then sat down again.

"Paul, the guy I met in Africa, was probably the closest I've come to someone whom I felt really got to know me," she paused, thinking, "but something was missing. I don't even know how to articulate what it was, but I knew I wanted more." Something flickered across Emily's face, as if she were going to say something, but changed her mind.

"What about you?" Ann asked, changing the subject. "Have you ever dated men?"

"Nope," Emily answered, shaking her head. "I think I've always known I was gay. Even when I was too young to have words for how I felt, I knew it was women I was drawn to emotionally. There were crushes on other women, but Caroline was my first relationship."

"Did you feel completely fulfilled with her?" Ann looked over at Emily.