Looking for Alibrandi (15 page)

“One of the Year Seven kids could have been grabbed by a madman. I was responsible for them. That’s what the big deal was. I was wrong in what I did yesterday.”

I was wrong, I thought to myself. I honestly believed it. Not because Sister Louise told me or because she made me believe I was. I knew deep down that I was wrong, and I think that my emancipation began at that moment.

Twenty~One

JOHN BARTON RANG
me on Monday night. I didn’t experience the same rush of excitement I would have felt a few months ago, but I was glad he called after all. He wanted to know whether I wanted to see
Macbeth
with him, so we decided to go on Tuesday night because it was half price.

I was a bit worried that he would be depressed again, but when I saw his smiling face in front of the theater I knew things were back to normal.

“You really scared me last time, you know,” I told him.

“I scare myself sometimes. Never listen to me when I’m depressed. It was the exams and all.”

“Isn’t it freezing? I’m really getting sick of winter now,” I told him as we rushed into the movie theater.

He smiled at me and shrugged.

“I’m really sorry about how I acted.”

“Don’t worry. I go through failure periods as well. When that happens, I think of all the things I can do that other people can’t.”

“Like what?”

I thought for a moment and shrugged.

“Okay, I’ll be the first Alibrandi to be eligible for university. I’ll also be the first Alibrandi woman to have a say in how her life will turn out.”

He nodded as well.

“I’ve got one. I’m the only Barton who can play ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ on the recorder, as well as ‘Peace Train.’”

We laughed for a while and then discussed some movies that we had seen previously and I found that this was what I liked about John Barton. We had the same interests. He knew what I was talking about when I mentioned books and movies and certain subjects. That was one area where I wasn’t compatible with Jacob. We hated each other’s taste in movies and he wasn’t much of a literary fan.

“Ben Peters dropped out, you know. He couldn’t cope. Imagine dropping out a few months before the HSC.”

“I can’t believe it,” I said, amazed. “I’m surprised his parents let him.”

“I think he had some kind of nervous breakdown.”

“How sad,” I said, thinking of the boy. “He was such a good student. Doesn’t it scare you? Like not getting great marks in your HSC. The system is changing and everything is a real worry. So many people aren’t getting into the subjects they want and the averages are getting higher.”

John took off his coat and looked the other way.

“Let’s not talk about careers and school marks. It’s all I hear about at school and home.”

I thought he was going to go all strange on me again.

“Popcorn and a drink?”

“Cheetos, thanks,” I said, looking around the complex.

My heart stopped for one single second when I found myself facing Jacob on the other side of the room. His arms were folded and he was looking at me furiously. I gave a small wave and walked hesitantly toward him.

“Hi, Jacob,” I said in a small voice.

“What are you doing here with him?” he asked.

“We’re going to see a movie.”

“Oh, really. I would never have guessed that,” he said sarcastically. “You know what I mean, Josie. What are you doing with
him
?”

“Jacob, he’s a friend of mine, for God’s sake. Because I’m going out with you doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to go out with friends.”

“He’s a guy, for one. He’s also someone you like and you could have told me you were going out with him. Why didn’t you?”

Anton and a few of his friends walked up to say hello and then John joined us, and I desperately wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.

“John, you remember Jacob, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course,” he said, extending a hand politely.

“I thought you were going out with her,” one of Jacob’s loud, uncouth friends said.

“Yeah, so did I,” he said, looking at me.

Anton pulled the others away, leaving just Jacob, John and me.

“John, can you just excuse us?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, John, I’ve got nothing to say,” Jacob said roughly.

“We’re friends, Jacob. There’s nothing to worry about,” John explained.

I looked at them both and sighed, not knowing what to do.

“Jacob, we’ll talk about this after, okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about anything after. What is this, Josie? What have you been doing for the last couple of months? Stringing me along?” he snapped.

“I think you should cool down a bit, Jacob,” John said practically.

“You don’t really want to hear what I think you should do, John,” Jacob said.

“Well, I don’t like the way you’re talking to her. We decided to see this movie, way before you were on the scene,” John snapped, taking my hand.

Jacob pushed him back roughly. John in turn pushed him back gently. I don’t know who got on my nerves more.

“Come on, Josie. You can’t reason with him,” John said. “He’s probably drunk.”

Jacob grabbed him by the shirt and John pushed back viciously and I pulled him away as quickly as I could.

“John, I’ll meet you by the door,” I said firmly.

They exchanged filthy looks and I had to tell John to go again before he walked away reluctantly.

“I can’t believe you’re taking it this way,” I said.

“Do you know how embarrassed I was, Josie? My friends have to listen to me go on about you every day and I come here and what do I see? My girlfriend with that wanker.”

“He is not a wanker,” I snapped. “He’s my friend.”

“See that girl over there,” he said, swinging me around and pointing to a tall red-haired girl wearing a black miniskirt and looking like someone who could easily pass as a model.

“What about her?”

“Her name is Arianne and she goes to school with me and she’s a friend. Now how would you react if just Arianne and me went to the movies?”

I looked at her and wanted to lie and say it wouldn’t worry me. But I shrugged instead. “I’d be angry,” I said quietly.

“You’d think I was fucking around behind your back, wouldn’t you?”

I nodded. “I didn’t think you’d want to see the movie I’m seeing, Jacob, and John did. We arranged it ages ago. Before you.”

“What movie?”

“Macbeth.”

“Well, for your information, Miss Intellectual, we’re studying
Macbeth
at school and that’s what I’m going to see tonight, so never ever presume what I like and what I don’t like.”

“Jacob . . .”

“Don’t say anything, Josie. You talk too much.”

He walked away and I desperately wanted to cry, but then I remembered John standing by the door and walked toward him.

“Sorry about that.”

“I don’t know what you see in him, Josie,” John whispered angrily. “He’s not your type.”

“If we all went out with people our type we’d be bored out of our brains.”

“Yeah, but just think one day of you being a barrister and he being a whatever he wants to be.”

“Mechanic,” I said quietly.

“How many barristers do you know married to mechanics?”

“I don’t know many barristers.”

“Well, I do, Josie,” he said, taking my hand and giving the tickets to the guy at the door.

I don’t remember how good a movie
Macbeth
was. I hardly heard a word of it. All I could think of was where Jacob was sitting. Wondering if it was over between us and I didn’t want it to be.

All I could think of was all the mistakes I seemed to be making lately. I was angry with John as well. Not that it was his fault or anything, but I felt that he was warning me away from Jacob, not because he liked me, but because he felt that future professionals shouldn’t mix with future tradesmen. I began to realize that it didn’t matter what others thought about what was right and wrong. It only mattered how you felt, and personally I could be with anyone of any profession if their personality was like Jacob’s.

When it was over we walked out and I tried to be enthusiastic when John began to rave, but I think he caught on because he seemed to be looking at me sympathetically.

“Don’t worry. It’s not the end of the world.”

I nodded and he kissed me on the cheek.

“We’ll do this again, okay?”

“Of course,” I lied, knowing that I would never do this again if Jacob spoke to me.

“You’re a good friend, Josephine. I feel good when I’m with you.”

“And I feel great when I’m with you, John. Don’t ever change.”

We hugged each other, and he walked out while I desperately looked around for Jacob. He eyed me as he was walking out and I waved, but he just walked past.

I waited until he parted with his friends and approached him, but I knew I would get nowhere by the look on his face.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Forget it.”

“Why is it that every time I apologize to someone these days they won’t accept it?” I asked in frustration.

“Because you probably come across as insincere. You probably think that an ‘I’m sorry’ is going to make you feel better,” he said angrily.

“I didn’t realize.”

“You never do,” he said in a tired tone. “You go about whinging and wailing about the way people treat you, but you never think about the way you treat people. I was hurt. But you wouldn’t understand that, would you? You don’t think that people like me get hurt.”

“Jacob, please . . .”

“Go home, Josie. Just go home,” he said, walking away.

So I sat at the bus stop because I didn’t have enough taxi money and cried.

The lady next to me gave me a sticker that said “Jesus Loves You” on it and I cried and told her that he didn’t. I felt that my life was coming apart and it was nobody’s fault but mine and just as I ran out of my last tissue and was using it, folded over and over again, I felt someone press a clean white hankie in my hand.

“It’s been washed since last time.”

I sobbed into it and felt him put his arm around my shoulder.

“You drive me crazy, do you know that?” he sighed.

“I would never hurt you deliberately,” I sniffed.

He pulled me up and took me to where he had parked the motorcycle and sat me down, putting the helmet on my head and fastening it.

“Educate me. Is it the modern thing for a girl to go out with another guy while she’s going out with me?”

“He is my friend, Jacob. That’s the honest truth. I would never let him kiss me while I’m with you. But I’ve known and liked him for so long that when he asked me out I felt as if I had to for my sake. Haven’t you ever liked a girl for so long? Someone who’s the answer to the dreams you’ve dreamt for ages? Well, that’s how I feel about John.”

“But what’s his attraction?”

“He’s smart and he talks . . . I can’t even explain it. He speaks with such passion about things. You probably think that’s for pansies, but John is a good person. He believes in what the next person is saying and he gives them a chance.”

“I think that you like being with people like him so if they accept you, you can be one of the beautiful people. The elite of the community. Why can’t you be just you?”

“I am me. But I’m human. Not a stone. I can be influenced by different things. Is that a crime? You’re so . . . I don’t know. You don’t have any hang-ups or anything. You’ve found your niche in life and you’re happy there and you presume everybody who’s looking for something else is a try-hard or a poser or pretentious. Be thankful that you’ve found your place, but be patient with me for still looking for mine.”

He sighed and got onto the bike. I got on behind him, and when I wrapped my arms around his waist, he picked one up and kissed it.

“We have so much to teach each other, Josie.”

“But isn’t it a step that we’re willing to learn? Wouldn’t it be terrible if either of us wouldn’t budge?”

He nodded and turned around.

“Will you do me a big favor?”

“Yes.”

“Will you go to see
Macbeth
with me on Saturday night? I didn’t hear one word of it tonight.”

I laughed and nodded.

“Nor did I.”

I closed my eyes, leaning my head against his back, feeling more for him every moment that went by.

Twenty-Two

MAMA AND I
decided on a splurge the first Sunday in September. A day when we do just that. Splurge. Break the budget. Stuff ourselves. And celebrate the start of spring.

We decided on one of the harborside restaurants, and although the weather outside was cool, it wasn’t wet enough to ruin the view.

I like the harbor on a cool day. The waters look as if they have character, as if they are going through their own turmoil. It looks almost human, unlike its perfection on a summer’s day.

“This has to be the most beautiful city in the world,” I said looking around.

“Says the expert after she’s just seen her only other city,” Mama said drily.

“I liked Adelaide,” I defended. “It has lots of character and the most beautiful houses, Mama. We could be living in decadence compared to the crazy prices they have here. Michael says that the rent here is killing him, but it’s no use buying something because he’ll be going back to Adelaide next year.”

“Really.”

“He’s not talking to me at the moment, by the way. Ever since I had to get him to sign the walkathon sheet he’s gone on and on about it. He reckons he’s disgusted with me. If I have one more person disgusted with me, I’ll slit my wrists.”

“Remind him about the incident with him skipping school to see the Rolling Stones one day,” she laughed.

“Just wait till I see him.”

“I’m so happy that you’re getting to know him, Josie. I was scared you’d both reject each other, and that would have been so sad,” she said, handing me the menu.

I shrugged.

“He’s ultracool, you know. Not cool as though he drives a sports car and dresses trendy, but he’s a cool guy. He’s up-front. No bull.”

“Take things slowly, and they’ll work out.”

“I’m surprised, you know,” I told her. “I thought you’d be possessive and jealous and wouldn’t let me near him and all that jazz. I would have respected your wishes if that had been the case.”

“You would not,” Mama laughed. “Anyway, he poses no threat to me when it comes to you. You’re old enough to make your own decisions, although if you come to me next year and tell me that you want to go live in Adelaide I’ll shoot you through the eyes.”

“Shucks. Cross that one off my list,” I said with a laugh.

The waiter came along and we ordered lunch, laughing along with him as he tried his Italian out on us.

“I wish we could do this every week,” Mama said with a sigh. “I would have liked to have given you more out of life, Josie.”

“Mama, you sound as if one of us is dying, for God’s sake. I grumble about my life because I’m selfish, not because you couldn’t provide. For a one-parent family we are pretty perfect.”

“Perfect?”

We both laughed.

“Well, you are anyway. Michael told me a bit about when you guys were young. He said you were sexy.”

“That’s because he was a sex-crazed young man when I knew him. He was very smug. Girls were crazy about him and mothers adored him and wanted him for their daughters. He seemed to breeze through life with no problems.” She looked sad and pensive and I wondered if she had really ever got over him. “Except I was a problem. You and I. He should have had the guts to deal with it. I was sixteen years old, Josie, and I was so scared when he left me to face my father. My father was the most terrifying thing in my life.”

“Why did Nonno treat you like he did?”

She shrugged.

“I don’t think he really loved me and I always wondered why. I don’t think he loved Nonna either, but she was such a good wife to him. She never took anyone’s side but his. It was as if she owed him something, but I can’t understand what. She was beautiful. It wasn’t as if she was ugly and nobody else would marry her.”

“You never talk much about him.”

She gave me a quick smile.

“I used to pray at night that Zia Patrizia and Zio Ricardo were my parents, but then I’d feel as if I was betraying my mother. No matter what, I know she loves me in her own way. The trouble is that she feels guilty about it.”

“I’d love to marry someone like Zio Ricardo. He sounded so romantic when he was young. Nonna’s told me stories about them all.”

“He couldn’t take me in when I was pregnant with you. My father wouldn’t have let my mother see her sister again if he did. But he let Robert’s mother take me in, saying that he couldn’t govern who his daughter let into her house.” She looked pensive. “My father practically spat at me. Called me every name under the sun. A tramp, a slut. He hit me across the face and even hit my mother. Worse still, he never saw you, Josie. Never saw his own granddaughter. Tell me, what comes first? What other people think of your family, or love?”

“You went through so much for me, Mama, and I never seem to appreciate it, but I promise that I’m changing.”

“Oh, Josie,” she sighed. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. You are the most important person in my life. You are the only person who really loved me properly. Everyone else I’ve ever loved has hurt me. Michael Andretti broke my trust. My mother has always held back and my father never loved me in the first place. But you have never left my side, and the disrespect you’ve shown me has been the disrespect any child shows her parent.”

“Oh God, Ma, if you go on any longer I’ll have to go to confession next quarter with nothing to confess because I’ll believe I’m a paragon of virtue.”

“We won’t go that far.”

We ate lunch in semi-silence and decided to continue our splurge with ice cream at Darling Harbour, where we sat on the pier watching the activity around us. There was a jazz band playing, and farther along a street entertainer was doing a comedy act, grabbing people who were walking by to assist him. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and basking in the atmosphere.

“Michael has a girlfriend,” I decided to tell Mama.

“Really.”

“But he didn’t sleep with her while I was there. No way. I was with him every minute.”

“I hope you weren’t snooping or driving him crazy, Josie.”

“Of course not. I just reckon he mustn’t love her at all if he doesn’t feel the need to make love to her. You said he was sex starved when he was young.”

“I’m sure he’s learnt how to control himself now. Maybe you should butt out of his affairs.”

“He really loved you once, you know,” I said, watching for a sign on her face.

“Josie, life is not a romance novel. People fall out of love. People disappoint other people and they find it very hard to forgive. We both were so young, and Michael having to move to Adelaide upset his life just as much as it upset mine. But we survived and we’ve both got on with our lives and we’re different people. You’re the only thing we have in common.”

“He calls me an ‘obnoxious creation.’”

Mama tried to keep a straight face but failed.

“Let’s go home, Miss Obnoxious Creation. We’ll do Jane Fonda and ease our guilt about this splurge.”

“As if you need your guilt eased.”

So we went home and did the Jane Fonda exercise tape, easing our guilt. But I just couldn’t get the idea of Mama and Michael being together out of my mind.

I wish life was a romance novel. The idea of them as a couple is nicer than the idea of them with other people. I almost feel optimistic, because I’m the very thing they have in common, and I know that I will always keep them together somehow.