Look at You Now (16 page)

“I have just a little time left. Is there anything you'd like to do?”

“I don't know.” I hugged the soft blankets and felt the nice cool sheet on my face. She walked over, sat next to me, and put her hand on my back.

“I wish I could do something to make this easier.”

“I'm fine, Mom.” She started doing the whispering-to-herself thing, which I guess she did when
her
mind wouldn't shut off. “Mom, what are you saying?”

“I'm just thinking out loud, about Easter. Maybe I could get his royal highness to take the twins somewhere and you and I could have a few days together. Would you like that?”

“You mean Dad?”

“Yes.”

“When is Easter?”

“In a couple of months.”

“Yeah, that would be good.”

“We'll work it out.” She stood up and threw open the hotel drapes to let in the blaring sun.

“Rise and shine, my love. . . .”

“Mom,
don't
, I hate it when you do that.” I buried my face in the blankets.

Her voice grew louder. “It's another glooooooorrrriiiiious day. . . .”

“Mom, stop!”
She laughed and spread her arms high in the air as I groggily made my way to the bathroom.

• • • •

We took a walk and puttered around, passing the morning. The thought of her leaving weighed heavily on both of us. It felt like an inside-out version of waiting for the time to pass in the facility.

“Will your father be coming to visit?” she asked at one point.

“I think so. Mom, I want you to know that I didn't confide in dad's wife about this whole pregnancy thing. It's not what you probably think.”

“Liz, it's fine, I understand. It doesn't matter now. What matters is that you get through this. Your father and his
secrrrrettttaaarrrry
are of no concern to me.”

It so sucked for Dorothy, all of it. She held her chin up high trying like hell to be fine. Fine with her pregnant teenager, and her ex-husband and his wife, fine with being a single working mother of seven kids.

“Life is hard, sweetheart, really hard. But what can we do? We just have to carry on. My husband left me with seven children. I still don't know why. Am I so bad, Lizzie? Am I so awful that he'd need to leave his entire family? God, I have no idea what I did to make him do this.”

“Mom, you're not bad, you're great, really great. I'm sorry about it all, Mom.”

“Guess your father wasn't my Gregory Peck.” We both kind of laughed.

We finally drove down the long road back to the facility. She pulled into the same parking spot as before. We sat with the engine running, and I readied myself for walking out of one world and back into the other. Dorothy had the surrendered look on her face.

“Liz, I am just so sorry you have to be here, and I love you with all my heart.”

“I love you too, Mom. Thanks for everything.”

“Sweetheart, don't get attached to the child in your stomach, you know what we talked about.”

“I know.”

“There's a whole big world waiting for you out there.” I stared out the windshield. The grounds looked oddly beautiful, like they did sometimes. I waited for the tears, but this time they didn't come. Dorothy's did, though. She wept into her hands as I gathered the bags.

“You coming in, Mom?”

“Can you make it in yourself?”

I reached under the seat and grabbed one of the clanking coffee mugs. “Here, now you won't have to listen to it the whole ride home.”

“Oh, for God sakes, I don't hear it anyway.” She took the mug and put it back on the floor. I kissed her forehead and climbed out of the car. I watched the dirty blue car pull off until I couldn't see it anymore.

I headed straight up the little hill to meet the girls at school. Most of them were sleeping when I arrived. I took my coat off, laid it on the floor, and sat on it. Tilly looked over, finally noticing me.

“You're
here
! I thought she might never let you come back.”

“Your mom's a trip, Liz,” Nellie said.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I liked her, she's fancy.” Tilly smiled. “Is she always like that?”

“Like what?”

“You know, swanky-talking, funny, dressed up?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Did she tell you she hates us?” Nellie said, squinting.

“No, she just told me not to talk to you.”

“Why? We might rub off on you?” Nellie laughed. Everyone cracked up, even Wren. Tilly scooched a bit closer.

“What'd you guys do?” Tilly asked.

“All sorts of stuff. Hung out, ate good food, shopped.” I reached
in the bag sitting next to me, the one from the bookstore, and pulled out a pile of word search books. I threw one to each of them, including Deanna.

“Look at that!” Nellie smiled. “A whole fucking book of 'em. We keepin' these?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuckin' A.”

I grabbed the paperbacks out of the bag too.

“What are those?” Tilly asked.

“Books. I'm supposed to be reading this one in school right now, it's good.”

Tilly read the jacket out loud, “
Jane
. . . something.”

“
Eyre
.”

“Looks old-fashioned.
Catcher I . . . the . . . Rye
, looks boring. I like this one with the pig. Look how cute that pig is. I remember that book, is it for kids?” Tilly asked.

“Yeah, kind of, but it's really good.”

Nellie looked over and then hollered, “Read that one, Liz. I fucking love pigs.”

Deanna perked up. “That's 'cause you fucking look like a pig.”

“Fuck you, Deanna.”

“No fucking thank you, Nellie.”

I opened the book and started reading. The room went quiet. They all leaned in to listen to the first pages of
Charlotte's Web
, by E. B. White. For just a moment in the dreary little schoolhouse, it felt almost like a home.

chapter
9

S
ame stinking room, same girls, same TV shows, same card games. The lounge was growing smaller by the day, and time wasn't moving any faster. We'd had enough of each other. This was what Dorothy called cabin fever at home. Too many people in the same place for too long,
and
it was a Friday, which was never good, because Friday was Dr. Dick day.

“Shut up, Amy.”

“You shut up, Deanna.”

“You shut up.”

I tried to tune them out as I looked at the snow falling outside the window in the midday dark sky. I was planning on going for a walk anyway, but just as I was about to get up, I heard a loud thumping noise coming from the hall, and then footsteps. We all turned in unison and looked at the door waiting to see who was coming. In walked a tall, pretty girl. She was wearing a sopping wet red windbreaker, flip-flops, and carrying a black trash bag. She shook the snow off her hair and stomped her wet flip-flops on
the linoleum floor. She set the trash bag down and looked around until she locked eyes with Deanna. She gave her a guy-nod, no smile, no words. Deanna guy-nodded back.

“Who's Liz?” The new girl asked.

“Um, I am.”

“Hey, I'm your new roommate.”

Tilly laughed. “So they finally gave Liz a roommate.” Just then, Alice whooshed through the door carrying a load of stuff in her arms.

“Hello, hello, girls that's Jill. Jill, did you meet them all? That's Liz there. Jill is new here, show her the ropes. I got a lotta work to do,” Alice said, and then left. My heart was thumping. I didn't want a roommate, especially one who guy-nods with Deanna. Jill took off her wet windbreaker. She was wearing a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt and brown Levi's corduroys with holes in them. There was a little red heart tattoo on her hand. Leaning against the wall, she pulled a cigarette out of her bra and lit it with a Zippo lighter. She was less pregnant-looking than most of us girls, and she had something very cool about her.

“Don't worry, I don't take up too much room,” she said.

“Oh no, it's fine,” I said. I was uneasy, but curious.

She looked at Nellie, at the table with her cards. “You play poker?”

“Mostly solitaire and spit,” Nellie said. She glanced out the window and asked, “What are the cops doing here?”

“They gave me a ride.”

“Off the street?” Deanna asked.

“Yeah.”

“Good thing you're fucking pregnant.”

Jill smiled. “No shit!” Jill then looked over at Wren. Wren looked away, like she always did when people saw her scar for the first time. But Jill kept her eyes on Wren and said, “Cool shoes you got on.” Wren was wearing black Converse. Wren looked up. Something was different about Jill, good different, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

“How do you know Deanna?” Nellie asked.

“Juvie, baby,” Deanna said, laughing.

“Yeah, we lived together there for a little while,” Jill said. She grabbed the trash bag and I led her to our room.

“Shit, nice,” she said, walking in ahead of me. She threw the trash bag on the empty bed and looked around the room. I saw her notice the food on the dresser.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“Yeah, but that's your stuff, no problem.”

“No, have it, I don't care. Want some soup? Crackers and stuff?”

“Yeah, wow. I haven't eaten in a while. I gotta take a shower though.”

I pointed to the bathroom. “You can use the towels in there if you want.” I nervously straightened up the room and made some soup while she was in the shower. Jill already kind of fascinated me. She was very comfortable with herself, and calm. I didn't think I'd want a roommate, but Jill wasn't like any roommate I thought I might have there. She stepped out of the bathroom in a T-shirt, with a towel on her head, and sat on the bed. I handed her a bowl of soup. Her eyes were deep sparkly blue bordered by long dark eyelashes.

“So what's your story?” she said.

“What do you mean? I'm pregnant, waiting to have my baby.”

She shook her head. “Uh-uh, there's more.”

But I didn't feel like talking about me, so I said,“Nope, that's it.”

“Okay, whatever you say.” She reached in her trash bag and pulled out a pair of sweatpants. I got up and hung her windbreaker on the radiator, so it would dry off. She looked out the window a long time and finally smiled.

“What?” I asked.

“It's good to be somewhere.” She pointed to my guitar and asked, “You play?”

“Yeah.”

“My old man's a guitar player.”

“That's cool.”

“Yeah, that's what your kid'll say about you.”

“I guess.” And then I remembered—no it won't. This kid would never know who I was.

Jill reached her hand deep into the trash bag, which I guess was her suitcase. “You like Battleship?” she asked.

“What? You mean the game?”

“Yeah.” She pulled out a flimsy box held together with masking tape. “I've had this stupid game forever. I love it.” We sat on the floor and started setting up the battleships. There was a knock on the door.

I shouted, without needing to ask who it was, “Come in, Tilly.”

Tilly poked her head in. “How'd you know?”

“I guessed.”

“What are you guys doing? Wait, is that . . . Battleship?”

“Yeah.”

“Where'd you get it?”

I pointed to Jill's trash bag. Jill laughed. “I got my whole life in that bag.”

“I play winner,” Tilly said.

“That'll be me,” Jill said.

“You got a boyfriend, Jill?” Tilly asked.

“Oh yeah, but he's no good, so it's gonna be just me and this baby. I really hope it's a girl. I want a girl bad.”

“How far along are you?” Tilly asked.

“Four months. I was sick as shit until a few weeks ago, feeling better now.”

“How old are you?”

“Just turned sixteen.” Tilly's eyes got big.

“Wow, you seem older.”

I elbowed her. “What?” Tilly said.

“Stop asking so many questions,” I said.

“I don't mind,” Jill said.

Tilly put her hand on the top of her stomach and smiled. “I
have a boyfriend, his name's Rick. He's the dad, we're gonna live in a nice place together when I get outta here. He's already buying stuff for this kid.”

“Dads are key,” Jill said. “You got a good dad?”

“No.” Tilly laughed.

“Me neither.”

“Liz does. Her dad's nice to her, sends her lots a shit, like all that food.”

Jill grinned. “I knew there was more.”

“Oh trust me, there's a whole lot to Liz's story, we're never gonna meet another Liz.”

“Tilly, seriously, don't talk about me like I'm not here,” I said. There was another knock on the door. Amy peeked her head in and asked if she could talk to me alone. Out in the hallway, she was wringing her hands and cracking her knuckles.

“What's the matter?” I said.

“I think I want to do the adoption thing. Maybe. I mean if you're sure it's like you said, and they'll keep the kid forever and stuff.”

“Yeah, it's permanent. But you should talk to Ms. Graham. You want to see if she's around?”

“Yeah, but you'd have to come with me, I don't even know her.” We headed through the lounge, down the hall, and out to the corridor, toward her office. Amy turned to me. “And she's not a bitch?”

“No, God no. Ms. Graham? She's not a bitch at all.”

“What if she's pissed I never went to my sessions with her?”

“She'll be fine. None of you guys go to the sessions with her.”

“You do.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“What if she says no one would want my kid?”

“Amy, shut up, she's not gonna say that.” It was late in the afternoon and the hall lights were dim. We were just about to turn down the next hall when we saw a strange-looking girl walking
toward us in what looked like pajamas. I couldn't see very well, and I didn't recognize her. Amy did a double take.

“What the
fuck
?” she said. As we got closer, we saw the girl was wearing a zip-up onesie pajama thing with feet attached. She was tall and pregnant, and we could hear her humming. Amy elbowed me. “Who
is
that?” As we got closer, the girl saw us and began crying, loudly. She had short, red, tangled hair and puffy eyes. The girl's crying turned to screaming. We stopped short and froze. Now she looked more like a woman, much older than us. She stood directly in front of us. She smelled bad and had big buckteeth. My heart was pounding out of my chest. “I'm fucking
outta here
,” Amy said, and dodged around the girl and ran down the hall. “Come on Liz!” But I was paralyzed. The girl inched closer. I wanted to move, turn around, something, but I couldn't. She leaned in and screamed a piercing scream right in my face. I closed my eyes and covered my ears, and then she reached over to put her hand on my stomach.

“You have a
baby
in your
tummy
,” she shouted. I tried to inch forward to get around her, but she kept cutting me off and laughing. I ducked under her arm, ran down the hall, and collided with a woman carrying a large ring of keys.

“Sorry,” I said.

The woman moved around me to the girl and said, “There you are, Adelaide. Come on now, you know you can't wander the halls like this.” The woman saw I was trembling. “Sorry, sweetheart, she's just a little short in the mind. She'd never hurt you.” I was breathing heavily and sweat was pouring down my face. She looked at me more carefully. “Goodness, are you going to be all right?”

“Yeah, yes, I'm fine. I'll just head back now.”

“You sure you're okay?”

“Oh yeah, I'm sure.” She guided the girl down the hall toward the other wing in the facility—it must have been the crazy wing Nellie had told me about. I stopped at the drinking fountain and let the ice-cold water run all over my face. Then I sat on the floor
next to the fountain and waited for my heart to calm down. I felt out-of-room-inside–at-capacity-full-up. Somehow the idea of the crazy wing and that girl put me over.

• • • •

Amy was sitting with Jill, Nellie, and Tilly in the lounge when I got back. Deanna was on her chair, and Wren was on the couch. Amy was telling the story when I walked in. She turned to me.

“I told them that fucking Looney Tune could have killed you. Why didn't you run when I did?”

“I don't know,” I said.

“Are you crying?”

“No.”

“Yeah, you are. Shit, did she hurt you?”

“No.”

“Well, what happened?”

“Some lady came and got her.”

Nellie looked over at me. “I bet you really want outta here now. Fuckin' cuckoo crazies.”

“I think she was mentally retarded, not crazy.”

“She was a total freakazoid, like in a scary movie,” Amy said. “All she needed was a fucking ax in her hand.”

“Radio girl, you look pretty shook-up,” Deanna said.

“I'm fine.”

“Hey, your dad called, and
I
talked to him,” Tilly said.

“
My
dad called?”

“Anyone else here got a dad who calls?” Tilly said. Everyone laughed.

“What did he say?” I asked.

“He said he's coming to see you. He's coming a week from Wednesday, I'm supposed to tell you that.” My dad was coming. The door to the lounge flew open, and we all looked over. Gina walked in with her bag and coat and a stuffed elephant under her arm. Nellie looked at her and said,
“Again?”

“Yeah, they said it was false labor. I hate this.”

“That's the second time
today
, Gina.”

“Like I don't fucking know that, Nellie?” She put her stuff down and took a seat on the couch. Gina had gone to the hospital five times in the last two days, thinking she was going to have her baby. “The pains hurt pretty bad,” Gina said.

“The real pains are gonna hurt like shit, Gina, not like . . . ‘Oh yeah, that hurts a little,'” Deanna said.

“How do
you
know?”

“I just fucking know.”

“I'm fucking tired of this.” Gina hit the couch with her fist. “I just want my baby, I wanna see it, and I wanna get outta here.”

“Try carrying around
two
kids inside you all fucking day,” Nellie said. “Trust me, it sucks more.”

“Just wait till you have to push those two kids out your snatch, Nellie,” Deanna said. “
That's
what's gonna suck. My sister said it's like pushing a watermelon out a goddamn buttonhole, and you got two watermelons in there.”

Nellie put her head down and covered her face with her hands. Tilly looked at Deanna. “What the
hell
, Deanna? Why'd you have to say that?”

None of us ever talked about giving birth. It was too terrifying. The closest we'd come was talking about the one thing all of us hated more than anything—having to go to Dr. Dick every Friday. Giving birth to our babies was the one thing we had in common, and it was also the one thing we never spoke about. All of us kept that fear tucked safely away in our own minds. I'd never ever seen Nellie upset, but she was crying now. Tears were falling down her face as she pretended to play solitaire.

“Nell, if my mom can do it seven times, we can do it once,” I said.

“Six times. She had twins, dumbass.”

“Oh yeah,” I said.

“It's gonna hurt like shit, and I might suck as a mom. I mean, my mom sucks.”

Gina raised her hand. “So does mine.”

Wren raised her hand. “So does mine.”

Nellie looked at me. “See? I'm gonna suck.”

“Nellie, you have your shit together, you're not gonna suck,” Tilly said. The girls all went quiet, even Deanna. We were all thinking about the stuff we didn't want to think about—the stuff we usually managed to ignore. Gina was fidgeting, trying to get comfortable with her big stomach on the couch.