Look After Me (10 page)

“Yeah, I could see if Katy Perry needs some protection.” I wink.

“In your dreams,” she says through her laughter.

Holding up my pinky finger, I say, “Hey, I could kill a man using only my little finger.”

She looks at me skeptically, a small smirk lifting at the corner of her mouth. “Oh really?”

“No,” I laugh. “I’m strong but I’m no superman.”

She seems to get lost in the moment before she shakes her head, taking two steps back. A part of me wishes I knew what she was thinking but then the other part pushes that curiosity away, not interested.

“Okay, soldier, I’m heading in. I’ll see you on Wednesday for our follow-up appointment. Is eight o’clock still okay?”

I shove my hands into my pockets. “Yeah, eight is perfect. I’ll see you then.”

“Goodnight, Sebastian.”

“Goodnight.”

She smiles, then turns and walks away. After I’ve watched her walk up the steps to her apartment block, she turns around and smiles when she notices I’m still on the pathway.

“You take your escorting seriously, don’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a curt nod.

“Any monsters I should know about?”

“No, it’s all clear.”

She shakes her head with a chuckle before turning away and heading inside. Once she is safely inside, I head in the direction of my apartment. Today has been a good day, and it feels pretty great. Laughter no longer feels like a foreign expression and somewhere in the distance I can see the old Sebastian seeping back through. It’s going to take time, but I think with Addison’s support and guidance, I’ll be my old self in no time. However, the dull ache I constantly feel at the core of my heart is something that I don’t think support and guidance can ever break through. The day Ava speared that invisible dagger in my heart still feels as fresh as it felt seven months ago, and deep within my soul I know it isn’t going to go away.

“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE going to be okay?” Grace asks me for the millionth time this morning. She’s heading back to Charlotte and to say she’s a bit hesitant to leave me would be an understatement.

“Yes, I’m going to be fine. You have no need to worry,” I say with a hundred percent reassurance. Well, maybe ninety-five percent reassurance. I’m still working on the other five percent.

She lets out a heavy exhalation before coming to a stop at her rental car with her suitcase wheeled behind her. “But I do worry. Apart from Dad, you’re all I have. I’ve almost come close to losing you twice and don’t even get me started on when you were in Afghanistan.”

I pull her into my arms and hug the life out of her. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I say, “I know. But I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She squeezes my waist a little tighter before letting go and looking up at me. “Is that a promise?”

“Scouts honor,” I say, holding up my three middle fingers.

She laughs. “I’m going to miss you, big bro.”

“I’ll miss you too. Um, thanks for being there for me these past two weeks, Grace. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

She shakes her head as if it isn’t a big deal. “You’re my brother. I’d do anything for you, you know that. Just as you would for me.”

I nod with a gruff smile, feeling a little overwhelmed by her words. After a moment, I clear my throat and grab her suitcase, throwing it in the trunk of the car. Once I feel I have my emotions intact, I walk back to the driver’s side. Grace leans her forearms on the door of the car, with a serious look on her face.

“Sebastian, are you really going to be okay?”

With an eye roll, I give her a brotherly shove inside the car, laughing lightly as she falls on the seat with a thud. “For the hundredth time, yes. Now go before you miss your flight.”

“Fine, I’m going. I’ll call you when I land.” I shut her door and watch as she buckles her seatbelt into place. Once she’s turned the ignition on, she rolls the window down.

“Give a kiss to my beautiful niece.”

“Sure thing.”

“Bye!”

“Bye.” I tap the roof with the palm of my hand and step back, watching as she pulls away from the curb and drives away. I know I told Grace that I’d be okay, but I have no idea if I will and that scares me. As I watch her car get further and further away, panic rises up my chest and almost suffocates the life out of me. Loneliness like nothing I’ve ever felt before begins to fill my lungs. She was my lifeline when I came out of rehab and now I’m as alone as a person can be.

I remember the breathing exercise Addison taught me to do the day of my near relapse. I close my eyes and after a minute of deep breathing, my breaths begin to even out and my heart no longer feels as though it’s about to burst from out of my chest. However, still feeling the heavy burden of the world on my shoulders, I decide to hit the weights. It’s the only time that I can focus on something other than my fucked up life and the more intense the workout is, the better it is for me. I can forget about the pain and suffering, at least for a little while.

The next few days have the same intense schedule of hitting weights, running and even a little kickboxing. Keeping myself active and burying myself in the gym is the only thing keeping me sane. When I’m alone in my apartment, it feels as if the walls are closing in, pulling me into the darkness. It’s terrifying. I’m terrified of the darkness sucking me all the way in again.

I can’t let that happen.

As I hit my fourth hour at the gym, I begin to feel people’s eyes on me. Ignoring them, I take a moment to replenish my energy by taking a large sip of water, then head on over to a punching bag to give it a once over. After a few intense rounds, I collapse against the bag, clinging to it as I try to control my heavy breathing. When I focus my eyes on the others around me, I see their looks of admiration being pointed in my direction. I wonder if they would look at me the same way if they saw my inner strength in comparison to my physical? I highly doubt it. I’d probably be described as a pathetic, weak and broken man.

And their words wouldn’t be far from the truth.

The sound of the buzzer ringing has my heart plummeting to my stomach. Lily-Mai is coming over for the day, and I’m excited to spend time with my baby girl, but the thought of having to be within three feet of Ava has my mind in a spin. Taking a deep breath, I get up from the sofa and buzz them up.

The moment I open the door, the beauty that is all Ava is almost like a slap in the face. The weeks’ worth of anger management—AKA: kicking the shit out of a punch bag—suddenly feels very wasted when the anger from her betrayal and my pain come at me all at once. It’s the same shit every time I see her. I wish for the sake of my daughter that I could put aside the anger I have towards Ava, but I can’t.

The pain is just too raw.

I turn my gaze towards my daughter and I can’t help the smile that forms on my lips when her eyes light up. The affection of a daughter’s love is the best feeling in the world. There is nothing like it.

“Hi, baby.” I take her from Ava’s arms and pull her into my chest. I press my lips to the soft curls of her dark hair. As much as I want to slam the door in Ava’s face, I know I have to at least acknowledge her. Yet when I look at her, no words actually come out. Instead, my mouth screws up into a snarl.

“How are you?” she asks. Her eyes look hopeful that I might have forgiven her; that I might just have a casual conversation like nothing ever happened.

Not fucking likely.

Ignoring her question, I ask, “You’ll be back at six to pick Lily up?”

“Um . . . Yeah.”

“All right. I’ll have her ready for then.” Once she passes me Lily’s diaper bag, I stare down at her, telepathically telling her to leave. She seems to get the hint when she nods and takes a step back. Just as I’m about to shut the door, she says, “Sebastian . . .”

I grind my teeth with irritation. “Don’t. Let’s not ruin my mood by speaking. I’m going to enjoy some quality time with
my
daughter. Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.” Hurt crosses her facial features at the brunt of my words, and I can see tears begin to well in her eyes. Once upon a time I used to be the one to wipe her tears away, but now I’m just the one to cause them.

But I won’t feel bad.

The pain I see in her eyes is only a drop in the ocean compared to the pain she’s put me through. Ashton Douchebag Bailey will probably want to kick my ass for making
his
Ava cry, but you know what?
Bring it on.
With my recent muscle gain, he wouldn’t stand a fucking chance. I’d knock him out with a single hit.

I quickly realize I’m letting my anger get the better of me, but Ava . . . Fuck, she just brings the worst emotions out of me. I also realize I shouldn’t be channeling such anger in front of my daughter, so I inhale deep breaths and slowly begin to feel myself calm down. However, I’d feel a lot calmer if Ava would just leave. Ava composes her features and smiles at Lily.

“Bye, baby girl. I’ll be back later.” She presses a kiss against her head before walking away. When she is completely out of my peripheral vision, I let out a breath of relief. I can feel the anger simmering in my veins but as I gaze down at the little beauty in my arms, it begins to fade away. I shut the door and walk into the living room.

“So what shall we do today, gorgeous girl?” I ask my daughter in an excited voice as I take a seat on the sofa. She responds with a high squeal and giggle. The sound melts the core of my heart and I fall further in love with her.

She’s incredible.

After an amazing day with my daughter, the sound of the buzzer rings, breaking my happy spell, and my mood turns sour instantly. I look down at my daughter who is fast asleep in my arms, and my heart cracks at the thought of having to hand her back. I feel a lump form at the back of my throat.

This fucking sucks.

I never wanted any part of this life as a part-time dad. I know I should be thankful that I get to see her once a week instead of every nine-months like I would if I were still in the military. But it’s hard to feel any kind of gratitude when the reason I only get to see my little girl once a week is downstairs waiting to be buzzed up. It’s hard to find any kind of gratitude because it’s her actions that led me to this life. In what life does it seem fair for another man to bring my daughter up while I stand on the motherfucking sidelines?

The door buzzer rings again and I begrudgingly stand to let Ava up. However, when I open the door thirty-seconds later, I find Addison walking towards me from the elevator. The knife that was tearing through my heart just seconds ago eases up almost immediately. “Hi.”

“I’m sorry I’m early. Is this a bad time?” she whispers as her eyes take in my daughter still sound asleep on my shoulder. I’m confused for a moment before I realize she’s talking about our one on one. I had forgotten she was coming.

I shake my head and move to the side to let her in. “No, not at all. Come on in. Lily’s mom should be here to pick her up soon. I actually thought it was her at the door.”

“Is that why you were staring daggers at me?”

I suppose I did answer the door with more aggression than needed. “I’m that obvious, huh?”