Look After Me (12 page)

“I could always see the pain in your eyes, but I had no idea how intense that pain was until now. I’m so glad you finally found an outlet for it. Pain can only be held in for so long before it needs to escape. I think this was the escape you needed.”

“So you don’t think I’ve suddenly turned into a girl?”

She’s still running her fingers through my hair and for some strange reason I don’t want her to stop. It feels pretty incredible. “No, absolutely not. Acknowledging pain doesn’t make you weak and it certainly doesn’t make you any less of a man. This whole stereotype about how a man shouldn’t show his emotions is utter bullshit. Truthfully, crying can be a therapeutic experience. It can help cleanse the soul, which evidently gives you the power to begin moving forward. How do you feel now?”

I take a moment to evaluate my current state. Amazingly, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The constant ache in my chest is still there, but I feel lighter than I did.

“I can breathe a little better now, I guess.”

She smiles down at me, but the smile is quickly followed by a frown. “You said that you get the feeling that life would be better off without you. Is that what you really think?”

Her words hit me hard, and I find myself pulling away from her hold and standing on my own two feet. Turning away from her, I lean over the breakfast bar and close my eyes. A shuddering breath escapes when I feel Addison’s touch against my bicep.

“You can talk to me,” Addison says in a soft voice. Her sincerity gives me the distinct impression that she means that as my friend, not as my counselor.

I turn, letting out a breath of air. “I sometimes think that life would be a lot easier if I weren’t around.”

“Well, I don’t agree with that statement at all. You have a daughter who loves you and a sister who would go to the ends of the earth for you. That’s all that matters. As for your pain, it will get easier. You might not think that now, but I promise in time the world around you won’t seem as heavy and the darkness will eventually fade. They say there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to crawl through the darkness to be able to see the light. This here is you crawling through the darkness. But I can see the light approaching. You just have to fight a little harder to get there.”

Her words leave me speechless and it’s taking every last bit of restraint not to slam my lips onto hers.

“Hell, you’re a soldier. It’s in your blood to fight. If you treat your recovery like a military mission, soon you’ll be basking in the light. We just need to get your life back on track. I think we need a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Yeah, a life plan. Something we can aim for to help you get to your happy place again.” I like how she says
we.
It’s as if we’re in this together. A team. It’s comforting.

“Okay, so I’ve already established you want more time with your daughter, and that you want joint custody of her. What else do you want out of life?” She walks around the island and takes a seat on the bar stool, never once taking her eyes from me.

“A job.”

“What do you want to do?”

“That’s the thing, I have no idea.” I sigh. “I was with the Army for twelve years. It’s all I’ve ever known.”

She nudges a little closer, her elbows resting on the countertop. “Well, focus on your military skills and place them within an everyday job. I can’t imagine you want to sit in an office for eight hours a day. With your military background, you’ll probably want something with stimulation.” Her use of the word ‘stimulation’ has me reminiscing about her sexy pink panties and I feel myself becoming aroused at the very thought.
Jesus, my body is a mass of utter confusion.
I was having a nervous breakdown not even five minutes ago and now my body is burning with sexual desire. I shift uncomfortably, trying to focus on her words.

“The world is your oyster, and you can do anything you put your mind to. You just have to figure out what it is you want to do.” A devilish smile appears on her face. “Or you can do what I said and become a bodyguard.”

I smile. “I already applied for the position of Katy Perry’s bodyguard but I was overqualified.”

“Aw damn, that’s such a shame.” After a short moment, her smile turns serious. “What else do you want?”

“To finally overcome my drug addiction without any dangers of relapsing. And I also want to be happy again.” Mostly, I just want this numb pain in my chest to stop so I can finally breathe normally again. I want to be able to go more than an hour at a time without thinking about
her
and thinking of what could have been. I just want to stop hurting.

“Well, you’re already on the road to recovery. If you continue with the support from me and the group, I think drugs will become such a foreign aspect of your life that it won’t even be a blip on your radar anymore.”

“You really think that’s possible?”

“I’m living proof that it is.” Her confidence is truly mesmerizing.

“How long have you been sober?”

She thinks for a moment, then laughs. “Twelve years. Oh God that makes me sound really old.”

Smiling, I ask, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-nine.”

“Wow, I always thought you were a little older.”

She frowns. “Gee, thanks. Just what a girl wants to hear.”

“Oh no,” I say quickly. “I didn’t mean that you look old. You just seem older than your time, that’s all.”

I inwardly sigh with relief when her smile returns. “A lot of people say that actually. I think it’s because I had to grow up from a fairly young age. My brother had Duchenne muscular dystrophy and needed a lot of care, so he had to rely solely on my parents, my sister and myself. He passed away just after his eighteenth birthday.”

My heart lurches and my fingers automatically seek hers. “I’m so sorry, Addison. I had no idea. How old were you?”

“I was sixteen. His death affected me in a really bad way. That’s the reason I went off the rails and turned to drugs. So I understand your heartache. I turned to drugs for the same reason as you—to help numb the pain. I couldn’t handle how my life just suddenly obliterated right in front of my eyes. It almost broke me.”

Wow, only a selfless person would compare my heartache with the loss of her brother. Addison experienced something that was beyond repair. My experience just made me a very bitter man. “My pain is nothing compared to your pain. Yours was literally a matter of life and death. Mine was just
life.
”

She shakes her head with disagreement. “Nope. Pain is still pain no matter which way you look at it. Our lives were irreversibly changed forever, just in two different ways. It doesn’t mean one is less painful than the other.”

Her courage and selflessness are just two of the traits I’m beginning to find attractive about her. No, scrap that. She’s beautiful. Attractive is how you describe a mediocre looking person, but beautiful is the only word that describes Addison—inside and out. She’s also sexy as fuck, and the hard on that I’m currently sporting only confirms that for me. Thank God I’m able to hide it behind the breakfast bar.

I realize my hand is still clasped around hers, so I gently pull away, but I can’t ignore the empty sensation that I feel at the sudden lack of contact. It’s disconcerting to say the least, but I have to shake it off because I’m not in the right frame of mind to go there right now.
Or ever.

“Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t imagine my life without Grace. She might live in North Carolina, but she’s only a phone call or plane ride away.” I regret my words instantly, worried that she might take them the wrong way, but she only smiles. I force myself to change the subject, and find myself telling her about my mom. It seems when I’m around Addison, I’m able to open up to her in a way I’ve never been able to open up to anybody before.

“I, um . . . I do understand your loss though. I lost my mom when I was seventeen. She died from breast cancer. It fucked with my head. It seems I’m unable to cope when life turns bad. It’s ironic really because I’ve watched men get killed right, left and center in Afghanistan and I was able to turn my emotional switch off. But the moment life at home turns to shit, I just crumble.”

“I’m really sorry about your mom. Life just fucking sucks, doesn’t it?” she says with a humorless laugh.

“It sure does.”

“We just have to find ways to try and find the good with the bad. And that’s what I aim to do with you. I’m going to make you happy again.”

I raise my eyebrow suggestively, trying to bite back my smile. “Oh really? And how happy are we talking here?” I ask flirtatiously, unable to help myself. I’m wildly turned on; it’s hard not to act on it.

A blush covers her skin with immediate mortification and nervous laughter escapes from her lips. “Oh my God! I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant . . .” She fumbles with her words until I finally take her out of her misery.

“I knew what you meant. And thank you. I appreciate you rooting for my happiness. You make it seem possible.”

She quickly composes herself and her complexion returns to normal. “That’s because it is possible.”

AS THE NEXT WEEK goes by, I start to feel a little better within myself. I have Addison to thank for that. She’s the reason why I’m embracing this new positive attitude, and for that I’m grateful. Without her, my head would still be in the gutter feeling sorry for the life I never wanted and high on cocaine. She’s a ray of sunshine, and I’m starting to really enjoy her company.

When Ava broke my heart, I lost faith in all women but Addison is slowly giving me the ability to believe again. I still hate Ava, and I will never forgive her for the pain she’s put me through but Addison is proof that not all women are cut from the same cloth. She’s the epitome of selfless. She could easily get into serious trouble for counseling me off the books, but she still goes out of her way to see me each week, regardless of her job being at risk. I can imagine she has better things to do with her time than keep me on the straight and narrow every week, but a glint in her eyes tells me she actually looks forward to our sessions. If I’m honest, I look forward to our sessions too. And not just because she’s incredible to look at, or because I know the kind of sexy underwear she’s rocking under those skinny jeans of hers. I’m able to open up to her in a way I’ve never opened up to anybody else.

I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do with my life career-wise but I know my life is onwards and upwards now. I’ve wasted a good chunk of my life this year that I will never get back, and I can’t afford to waste anymore. I need to man up and be the father that my daughter deserves, and more.

Balancing the weight back on the bar, I sit up and towel dry the sweat away from my face as I glance at my surroundings. After I’ve taken a large gulp of water and rinsed my face to cool down, I see one of the trainers approaching me. He’s a big guy at six foot four and weighs around two hundred and fifty pounds, with intense muscles that make him look like The Rock. I look like a motherfucking twig compared to this guy.

“Hey, you’ve got some steel, man. How much you pushing?”

“Around three-twenty,” I say, wrapping my towel against the back of my neck.

“Damn that’s impressive. Are you training?” He crosses his arms over his chest, looking generally interested in my current strength resistance.

“No, just letting off steam.”

“Wow, I’ve seen you these past couple of weeks, and you go hard, harder than some goddamn wrestlers. And you’re just going at it for fun?”

I wouldn’t exactly call it fun. It’s just a way through my pain and suffering. Of course, I don’t say that. Instead, I just give a gruff nod.

“Sorry, man, I’m totally rude. I’m Jacob, one of the trainers here.” He holds his hand out in greeting and I shake it. His fierce grip on mine is bone tight, and he could probably break my fingers in an instant. I wouldn’t want to meet this guy in a dark alley, that’s for sure.

“Yeah, I’ve seen you around. I’m Sebastian.”

He goes to say something but is momentarily distracted by a girl in tight leggings and a sports bra, who flutters her eyelashes at Jacob before walking in the direction of the treadmills. Once he’s picked his jaw off the floor, he looks back to me. “I’m really impressed with your stamina. You run circles round half of these yuppies. What’s your story?”

“I was in the military.”

“What branch?”

“Army.”

He nods, impressed. “Well, that explains your hardcore stamina. Where have you served?”

“Afghanistan, Hawaii . . . Pretty much everywhere.”

“Holy shit, that’s impressive. Thank you for serving our country, man. It’s a fucking honor to be in your presence. Why did you get out?”

Well, isn’t that a loaded question? I steer away from the truth and give out one of my monotone responses. “It was just time, you know? Time to try new things.”

“I get you, man, I get you. So what are you up to nowadays?”

I shrug as I stand to my feet. “I’m still trying to work that one out,” I say as I grab my water from the floor, taking a big chug of it.

“I don’t know if you’re interested but we’re currently looking for a new personal trainer for the gym. You’re exactly what we’re looking for.”