Longings of the Heart (3 page)

“Thankful?” Perry sounded resentful. “I can’t settle. I won’t.”

“You may have to.”

Perry glared at John. “Now that ye’ve got Hannah, ye don’t care what happens ’bout me and Lydia.”

“That’s not true.” John’s frustration intensified. “What am I to do? Or for that matter, what can either of us do?”

John stopped beneath an acacia tree and grabbed a low-hanging branch. He broke off a small limb. “Perhaps she’ll fall in love with you, given time. For a long while Hannah would have nothing to do with me. And now . . .” He glanced back at his cottage. “Now, she’s my wife.” He was unable to keep the tenderness out of his voice. He cleared his throat and looked back at Perry. “When she told me there could be nothing between us, I nearly gave up.” He tossed the branch and watched it drop into bushes along the drive. “’Course if she’d not changed her mind, I would have had to accept her decision.”

“Right. But if Lydia never comes ’round, how do I do that?” Perry looked disheartened.

“I don’t know. You just do.”

“I can’t lose her.” Perry stared at Lydia’s cottage where smoke drifted from the chimney. “I’ll never love another.”

“I don’t believe there’s only one woman for a man. Look around. There are other fine ladies in the district. Even here on this estate.”

“That may be so, but even if I were to find someone else, I’m worried ’bout Lydia. I don’t trust Gelson. He’s most likely a philanderer and will likely take advantage of her.”

“I doubt you’ve any worries there. She’s a strong, sensible woman.”

“Ye don’t know her the way I do. She’s vulnerable. And when it comes to love, all women are alike; they forget about being reasonable.”

John kicked at a pebble. He wished he had answers for Perry. “I doubt you’ve any worries when it comes to David Gelson. Seems most the women ’round here are taken with him. With so many to choose from, he’s not likely interested in Lydia.”

“If only that were true.” Perry didn’t sound optimistic. “Do you think I ought to say something to her?”

“I don’t think she’d take kindly to your interfering.”

Perry gazed at her cottage. “She’s a handsome woman—her green eyes and that wild auburn hair. And she’s got spirit.”

“Give things time.” John rested a hand on his friend’s back. “Try to be patient.”

“I’m afraid if I give her too much time, David Gelson will steal her from me.”

“Perry,” John said gravely. “Dr. Gelson can’t take something from you that you don’t own.”

Surprise and then truth touched Perry’s eyes. “S’pose yer right, there.”

“Gwen’s a handsome woman,” John said, his tone lightening. “Perhaps you ought to consider her. I have it on good authority that she likes you.”

“Really?” Perry almost smiled. “She’s a fine lady. And I do like her. But she’s not Lydia.”

“Perhaps there’s more to her than you know.” John gazed at distant wheat fields cooking beneath a hot sun, their hearty fragrance heavy in the air. “It’s possible that when Lydia sees you’ve another interest, it might spark hers, eh?” Even while John was speaking, he knew it was unlikely, but he didn’t have the heart to be completely forthright.

“It might at that.” Perry looked thoughtful. “It’s an idea. I might drop by and speak to Gwen this afternoon.” He smiled, looking slightly more confident. “Sorry to have taken so much of yer time. I’d better get back to work.” Perry tipped his hat and walked toward the shop.

The next morning, John stood inside the door and pulled Hannah close. “I wish I didn’t have to go to work and could stay with you today.” He kissed her. “I’ll be thinking about you. And knowing you’ll be here when I get home will make the day more tolerable.”

Hannah wrapped her arms around John and snuggled close. “If only we had another day together, just the two of us.” She smiled up at him. “But we’ll be together tonight. And I’ll see to it that I have a first-rate meal ready when you get home.”

“It’s not my stomach that will be hungry.” John grinned down at her and lifted an eyebrow.

Hannah giggled. “That will be fine with me. How lovely to know that at the end of the day we’ll have each other.”

John hugged her more tightly. “All right, then. You’ll be in my thoughts.”

“Perhaps we could luncheon together?”

“I wish we could, but Mr. Atherton has business for me in Port Jackson. I mean Sydney Town. I forget myself. Not used to the change. It’s a bother, changing the name of a town.” He kissed her again and then looked over the property. “I want a place of our own. I want to work for us and the family we’ll have one day.”

“Family will come at the proper time.”

“I’m going to speak to Mr. Atherton about it right away. I think we ought to apply for a land grant. The government will give a man thirty acres—and another twenty if he’s married.” “I’ve heard of that, but us, so soon?”

“Why not? I’ve decided a sheep farm will be the thing.” He grabbed his hat from a stand beside the door and pressed it onto his head. “You should tell Mrs. Atherton so she can be looking for a new housekeeper.”

“All right. If you’re sure we’ll be moving soon. I’m not certain how or what I ought to say. The Athertons have been exceedingly good to us; I feel as if we’ll be deserting them.”

“They’re the ones who gave us our freedom. It’s what they want. I’m sure of it.”

“I’ll speak with her.”

John kissed her once more and then opened the door and stepped outside.

Hannah watched as he strode toward the tool shop. When he was out of sight, she closed the door.
I’d best hurry. Mrs.
Atherton will be wondering where I am
. She walked to the bedroom, took a clean apron out of the bureau, and tied it on as she hurried toward the main house.

Stepping through the back door, she nearly collided with Elvine Goudy, who wore a starched white apron and a warm smile as she always did. “Good day,” the cook said. “You look well.”

“I am, thank you.”

“Marriage agrees with you, then?”

“That it does.” As Hannah walked into the kitchen, she knew she was smiling broadly but couldn’t keep from it. She felt extraordinarily happy. “It smells wonderful in here.”

“It’s baking day.”

Hannah glanced at the stone oven beside the hearth where she knew several loaves of bread were tucked inside baking. “Perhaps one day I’ll have an oven.”

“I’m sure you will.”

Dalton, the houseman, walked by and offered a quick nod. Hannah said “Hello,” and moved toward the scullery and stopped at the door. Gwen was up to her elbows in soapy water. The young woman flashed her a smile. “Good day.”

“Good day to you.” Hannah glanced at a stack of baking pans and utensils. “Looks like you’ve a load of work to do.”

“That I have. Baking day’s always a busy one for me.” Using the back of her hand, Gwen brushed blonde hair out of her eyes. “It was a lovely wedding. Thank ye for including me.”

“It was lovely, wasn’t it? And I’m glad you could join us.”

Still smiling, Gwen returned to work.

Hannah moved toward the stairway.
I suppose I ought to
begin with the beds
, she thought, climbing the steps.

Mrs. Atherton met her on her way down. She moved slowly. “Good morning, dear. How pretty you look today.”

“Thank you. It seems everyone thinks I look especially fetching this morning. Is there something different about me?”

“Of course there is. There’s a light in your eyes I’ve not seen before.” Mrs. Atherton patted Hannah’s cheek and then took another step down. “I’m on my way into Parramatta to see the new physician.”

“Are you ailing?”

“No. But I’m hoping he might have something to ease the pain in my joints.”

“I pray he has something to offer you.”

“It would be a blessing.” Mrs. Atherton eased past Hannah. “Good day, dear.”

“Oh, Mrs. Atherton. Do you have a moment?” Hannah knew she must say something to her mistress about her and John applying for property and their possible move. Just the idea of it made her feel disloyal.

Mrs. Atherton stopped. “What is it, dear?”

“Well . . . John and I have been talking, and we plan to move onto our own place. He’d like to raise sheep. I don’t know how long it will take to get a piece of land, but I thought you ought to know. That way you can be looking for someone to replace me.”

Sadness touched Mrs. Atherton’s eyes, but only for a moment, and then she smiled. “That would be spectacular, dear. I’d hoped you two would set out on your own.” She took a gentle hold of Hannah’s hand. “But I’ll miss you terribly.”

“I’m sure we won’t move far. We like it in Parramatta.”

“Good. At least that way we’ll be able to see one another.” She let Hannah’s hand drop. “Bless you, dear,” she said and then continued down the steps.

The morning passed pleasantly enough. Hannah moved from bedroom to bedroom, her mind on John rather than her duties. What was he doing? Was he safe? When would he return? Time dragged. With the last of the bedrooms tidied and dusted, she made her way down the staircase and into the dining room.

Lydia stood at the heavy wooden table, silver laid out in front of her. She set a polished spoon in a row with several others. “Hannah, how grand to see you!” She hugged her friend. “How are ye?”

“I’m quite well. I love being Mrs. John Bradshaw.”

Lydia placed her hands on her generous hips, mischief in her green eyes. “I’ve thought about ye and wondered how everything was between ye two.”

“Splendid. I don’t remember ever feeling so contented as when I’m sleeping in my husband’s arms.” Remembering the sweetness of their union, Hannah moved to the window, pushed aside delicate silk curtains, and looked out onto the shaded veranda.

Lydia picked up another spoon.

Hannah turned back to her friend and asked, “How have you been? I noticed you and the young surgeon spent quite a bit of time together at the wedding. You two seemed to be enjoying each other’s company.”

“He’s quite handsome, isn’t he? And he’s kind.” Lydia clasped her hands in front of her, trapping the spoon between them. “He asked if he could call on me.”

“Really? Do you think he has serious intentions?”

“How can I know? I’ve only just met him.” Lydia smiled. “But I do hope so. He seems a fine gentleman.” She gave Hannah an inquisitive look. “And how ’bout ye and John? Was it heaven?”

“Surely such things should remain private between a husband and wife.”

“Yer not serious!” Lydia exclaimed. “Ye’d withhold that from me?”

Hannah giggled. “I suppose I can tell you. But you mustn’t breathe a word to anyone.”

“I’d never.”

Hannah sat at the table and rested her chin on her hand. “It was wonderful. John was tender and kind. Mrs. Atherton had said that sometimes intimacy between a husband and wife can be bliss—it was.” She closed her eyes for a moment and smiled, then looked at Lydia. “I love him so much.”

“And he had no idea that you weren’t . . .”

Hannah sat more upright, her spine stiff and her good mood fading. “No. He had no idea.”

“Will you tell him now that yer married?”

“Why? There’s no reason for him to know.” Hannah’s insides felt tight. She glanced about to make sure they were alone. She wasn’t sure she could share this even with Lydia, but she felt too great a burden and needed to say something. “I didn’t tell you everything . . . about the baby.”

Lydia sat across from Hannah. “What do you mean?”

Hannah set her hands on the table in front of her, one on top of the other. “When I knew I was in the family way, I was distraught—you remember. And what can a woman do with a child in prison? It’s even worse on board a convict ship. The child’s life would have been ghastly.” She met Lydia’s intense gaze. “And my honor could never be reclaimed.”

Once more Hannah glanced at the kitchen door to make sure she and Lydia were alone. “I prayed and asked . . . God to take the baby. I . . . I just couldn’t have it.”

Lydia gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth. Her eyes filled with tears. “How could ye wish for such a thing? Children are a gift from God.”

“I know that now. Every time I think about it I want to scream. I committed a horrible sin. For a long time I thought it too much even for God to forgive. But he has forgiven me. Can you?”

Lydia didn’t answer right away. “Of course. I’m not without sin.” She shook her head slightly and then reached for Hannah’s hand and grasped it. “But ye must tell John. He should know.”

“I can’t. I can’t bear to see the loathing I know will be in his eyes.” Tears spilled onto Hannah’s cheeks. “Every time he looks at me, all I see is love. If I tell him, I’m certain I’ll not see love but hate instead. I simply can’t endure that.” She wiped at her tears. “Please pray for us. Pray that I can live with what I’ve done and that John will never know the truth.”

Lydia hesitated before answering. “I’ll pray for yer happiness, but I’ll also pray that one day ye’ll be free of yer fear and that John will know the truth and yer love will be stronger for it.” She looked Hannah straight in the eyes. “I hope ye’ll find the courage to speak to him. This is too dreadful a secret to keep from yer husband.”

Hannah understood that, but she also knew she couldn’t tell John, not ever.

3

Mrs. Atherton stepped onto the front veranda and waved at Hannah and John. “Could you wait a moment? I have someone I’d like you to meet.” She moved back indoors and a few moments later reappeared with a young woman in tow.

Moving slowly, Mrs. Atherton limped across the lawn toward John and Hannah. “I can barely get about today.” She shook her head. “Even in this heat my rheumatism is a bother.”

“Sorry it’s troubling you so.” John tipped his hat.

“I shall survive.”

“Are the remedies Dr. Gelson prescribed of no benefit?” Hannah asked.

“I’ve not seen any improvement yet.” Mrs. Atherton straightened slightly. “But I’m not here to talk about my maladies. I want you to meet the new housemaid.”

Hannah’s attention turned to the stunning stranger standing beside Mrs. Atherton. The woman smiled, but the gesture didn’t touch her muted green eyes.

“I’d like you to meet Deidre O’Neil,” Mrs. Atherton said. “She comes to us from Norfolk Island.”