Lonestar Homecoming (13 page)

“I wanted a hamburger,” Evan said, folding his arms across his chest.

“You have to at least try it,” Gracie said. She ladled up one meatball and a spoonful of the potato casserole.

“You're not the boss of me,” he said. “I don't have to eat it, do I, Daddy?”

He nearly told the boy he would have to eat two as punishment for the back talk, but he saw the trepidation on Gracie's face. The kids had to know the truth. “Gracie
is
the boss of you, young man. Just as much as me. She worked hard on fixing a meal she thought you'd like.”

“If I eat it, will you play Chutes and Ladders afterward?” Jordan put in.

He exchanged a long look with Gracie. “Kids, Gracie and I have something we need to talk to you about. It's a big surprise. When you're through eating, we'll tell you about it.”

“Is it another horse?” Evan scooted his chair closer to the table and stuck a fork in the meatball. He licked it. “Hey, it's sweet.” He took a tiny bite, then finished it off. “Can I have another one?”

Gracie's smile widened. “Sure. How many?”

“Three!” He pushed his plate to the bowl, then dug into the meatballs when she put them on his plate.

“Tell us the surprise, Daddy,” Jordan begged. “Are we getting a puppy? You said we could have a puppy.”

“I brought you Caesar.What more do you want?” He grinned when his dog flicked his ears at the mention of his name.

“I love Caesar, but he needs a son. Don't you, Caesar?” Jordan asked.The dog barked and pressed his muzzle against her leg.

“Eat your supper.”At least the announcement defused the controversy over the food. He dived into his own plate of food. “This is really good,” he mumbled past a mouthful.

“Thanks,” she said, not looking at him.

When they were finished eating, the kids waited impatiently for Michael and Gracie to finish. He wasn't sure how to begin. They'd just lost their mother. Now he was going to tell them they had a new mother.That was the main gist of the message. Not that he had a new wife, but he'd just replaced their mother. He hadn't thought that through. Maybe they should wait awhile. He nearly told them the surprise was a trip to town for ice cream, but he knew only the truth would do.They were bound to hear it.This was a small town. A guy couldn't get married and not have the whole town know.

He scooped Evan onto his lap. “I want to tell you what Gracie and I did in town today.”

“You got a puppy!” Jordan said, scooting off her chair.“Where is it?”

“No, not a puppy, honey. I've been worried about you kids. It's important for kids to have a mommy and a daddy.”

“Our mommy died,” Evan said in a tragic voice.

Michael hugged him. “Not on purpose, son. She didn't want to go. She loved you both very much. She would want you to be happy.” He glanced at Gracie, who was sitting on the edge of her chair. Had she suspected it would be this hard?

“Where's the puppy?” Jordan demanded again.

“There's no puppy, honey.At least not yet.We'll get one soon.This is better than a puppy. Gracie and I were married today. She's going to adopt you kids and I'm going to adopt Hope.We're one family now. You have a new sister, and Hope has a brother and a sister.”

The mouths of all three kids gaped.When the wailing began, he wanted to bolt from the room, but he forced himself to try to explain. No one was listening.

J
ORDAN DIDN'T LOOK UP WHEN
M
ICHAEL ENTERED HER BEDROOM
. S
HE SAT
cross-legged on the floor with a doll in her arms. Caesar lay beside her with his head on her knee. Her tearstained face turned away when he spoke her name. He knelt on the floor beside her. “You're acting like a baby, Jordan. I want you to stop this behavior.”

Her face crumpled, and tears rolled down her cheeks. “I want
my
mommy. Not a pretend mommy.”

“You like Miss Gracie. And you have a new sister.”

Jordan rocked back and forth. “Mommy used to sing to me at night before I went to sleep. She always smelled so pretty. Like sunshine.” Caesar whined and nudged her arm with his nose. She flung her arms around the dog's neck and wept harder.

He nearly told her to buck up, then closed his mouth. How would Gracie handle this? He softened his tone. “I'm sorry, sweetheart. If I could bring your mommy back, I would.”

“You're glad she's dead!” She wailed even louder. “You don't love us.You always loved your job more than you loved us.”

She'd heard those words from Kate. He squeezed his lids shut, then sighed and stared at his small daughter. “I love you more than anything, Jordan.”

“Then why are you gone all the time?”

“Dads have to work so their kids have money for food. For your dolls and clothes. I can't just stay home or we wouldn't have a house to live in.” He ran his hand along her hair. It was as soft as a kitten's coat.

She raised her head from Caesar's fur, then crawled onto Michael's lap. “Are you ever going to go away again, Daddy?” she asked, her voice forlorn.

He hugged her tight. “No, honey. I got a job here so I could come home to you every night. I married Gracie so you'd have a mommy to wash your clothes and braid your hair. Everything I do is for you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He rocked her in his arms. Maybe it hadn't been true in the past, but he wanted it to be that way. He'd been too careless of how his children felt about his absence.Too worried about living up to his dad's expectations. His dad was gone now. Michael kissed her cheek.The salty taste of her tears pierced him with failure. It was possible to do better. Change his focus.

Gracie had helped him see that.

He rose with his daughter in his arms and carried her to bed. After tucking her under the sheet, he knelt by her bed and held her hand.

“You haven't prayed with us since we got here, Daddy.You used to.”

“I'm slipping, aren't I?' Though he smiled down at her, a steel band encased his ribs.What a hypocrite he was.Trying to do right by everyone but his kids. “Is there anything special I should pray for?”

She nodded. “Pray for it not to hurt so much. And for Jesus to take care of Mommy.” She clutched his hand.

If the band got any tighter, he wouldn't be able to pull in any oxygen. In a choked voice, he prayed for little Jordan and for Evan. For Hope, too, and for him and Gracie to be the parents the children needed.

G
RACIE TUCKED HER NOSE INTO HOPE'S SWEET-SMELLING NECK AND
kissed the soft skin. She pulled away just enough to stare into her daughter's sleepy eyes. “Love you, punkin.”

Her daughter twirled her fingers in Gracie's hair. “More than Jordan and Evan?” she asked.

Gracie tickled her neck with more kisses. “More than life itself. More than chocolate. More than peanut M&M's.”

Hope giggled. “More than peanut-butter fudge?”

“More than a Dairy Queen Peanut Buster Parfait.You'll always be my special girl.”

A contented smile hovered on Hope's lips. “I like having a brother and sister, but you're
my
mommy first.”

“That's right. But we can all be a family. Loving them doesn't mean I love you less. Okay?”

“Okay,” Hope said, her eyes beginning to drift shut.

Gracie tiptoed out of Hope's room and started toward hers, but she wasn't sleepy.The events of the day needed too much pondering. She went down the steps and slipped on her flip-flops. They were already crumbling from the rough stones. She would get more shoes when she got her next check. She gasped when she remembered Michael had said his money was hers, that she could just write a check for what she and Hope needed.

Not that she had the courage to do it. She was still very much the interloper here, no matter what Michael said.

Making sure the screen didn't slam behind her, she stepped onto the porch. On her way down the steps, she saw an animal lumber from under the structure and nearly screamed, but it was just an armadillo.

A whinny from the barn drew her across the yard. King nickered from the paddock as though he recognized her. She drew close to the fence, and he came to meet her. In the glare of the security light, she saw the sores on his back clearly.

“Did someone beat you, King?” She put her trembling hands behind her back, then reconsidered and stretched out a hand.

When he nuzzled her palm, she forced herself not to flinch.This poor baby wouldn't hurt her. Her scars weren't visible like his, but they existed nonetheless. She leaned on the fence and lifted her face to the breeze, fragrant with sage. A dog barked behind her, and she whirled to see Michael approaching with Caesar at his side.

“Hey, Gracie,” he said when he reached her.

A weary droop to his shoulders made her step closer. “What's wrong?”

He propped a boot on the lowest rung of the fence. “Just realizing I've not been the man I'd hoped for my kids.”

“Are we ever the parents we hope to be?”

“You don't have any trouble. I see you running to anticipate what they need before they ask.You never get ruffled or irritated with their questions. Or with Evan's boundless energy.”

“It's all a front.”

He raised his brows. “Really?”

She nodded. “It's like a coat I slip on. I act patient when I want to yell at them or be cheery when I want to cry.”

He grinned. “I get it. Courage isn't being fearless. It's stepping out when I want to retreat.”

“Half the time I'm terrified I'll say something that will warp them for life.”

“You inspire me, though. I wanted to tell Jordan to grow up when she was sulking, but then I wondered what you'd do. It changed things.”

Heat rushed to her cheeks. “You actually wondered what I'd do?”

A smile tugged at his lips. “Yep.”

“I'm hardly a role model,” she whispered, averting her gaze. If she didn't, she'd take two steps into his arms.

“You are to me.”

The pleasure that flooded her chest was disproportionate to his words. She rubbed the gelding's nose again. Her fear was ebbing, at least her fear of this horse. “You fed King already, didn't you?”

“Yeah, but it wouldn't hurt to give him a bit more. I'm taking it slow with him.”

She glanced back at the wounded animal. “Poor horse. He's been so mistreated.”

“I don't understand a man who would treat a horse like this.”

“That's because you are honorable,” she said. She felt his quick glance but kept her attention focused on the horse. “You're all bound up in always doing the right thing. Do you ever want to let it all go and do what
you
want?”

“All I've ever wanted was to be a soldier.”

“Why? What drew you to the military?”

He rubbed King's ears. “My dad, I guess.When I was growing up, he talked about the glory of serving your country.”

“Men die that way.”

“All men die eventually, but dying in the service of others—that's a death worth experiencing.”

She shook her head. “Why chase death?”

“I don't. But when it comes, I want to know I made a difference. Dad said facing the knowledge he could be shot anytime made him appreciate every day all the more.”

She clasped her arms around herself. “Seems a little wacky to me.”

He turned his head and stared into her face. “Tonight I realized I hadn't talked to you about the most important thing I should have before we married. Jordan asked me to pray with her, and I never even asked if you're a Christian.”

Heat burned its way up her neck and scorched her cheeks. “That's pretty personal, Michael.”

He held up his hand with the wedding ring. “We just tied our lives together, even if it's in name only. I want my kids, including Hope, to know God loves them. Have you thought about faith at all?”

A mountain of memories lodged in her throat. “I grew up in the church,” she managed to say.

“But not now?”

“Not in over five years.”

“What happened?”

She tried to smile and failed. “Life. If you ask whether I believe in God—whether I'm a Christian—I'd say yes. But it's hard for me to pray after all I've done.”

“You're talking about your mother now.That wasn't your fault.”

She turned on him. “It
was
my fault! I see her face every time I look into Hope's eyes. She's the spitting image of my mom.”

“I don't understand why you blame yourself so much.”

“Mom would have loved her. She never got the chance to kiss Hope's cheeks or be called Grandma. I deprived her of that.”

“It was an accident.” He studied her face. “So why
did
you get on that horse?”

She closed her eyes. “I don't even remember.”

His voice pushed her. “Or don't want to? What was happening in your life right then?”

“Too much.” She clamped her jaw shut so tight it hurt. He didn't need to know. “Since then, God has blocked me from enjoying any happiness. Every time I think I've found a spot to settle, he closes the door.”

“Maybe he's trying to tell you something.”

“That I'm a failure? I already know that.”

“What about your dad? Is he still alive?”

Hot tears blurred her vision. “As far as I know.”

“Does he know what happened the day your mom died?”

She nodded. “I couldn't bear the condemnation on his face. I ran away that night.”

“You haven't seen him since? Or talked to him?”

“No. Can we talk about something else?”

“You could go see him, Gracie. Air it all out.”

“I can't,” she whispered. “He hates me. I know it.”

“Can you honestly say Hope could do anything to make you hate her?”