Lone Eagle (34 page)

“I'm sorry… I shouldn't have come here tonight.” He felt guilty for the state she was in.

“It's not your fault,” she admitted, drying her eyes, “I wanted to see you too. It was so wonderful seeing you the other day, and being with you…. Oh Joe… what are we going to do?” she said as she clung to him. They were lost, and so obviously still in love.

“I don't know, we'll figure it out.” He held her and then kissed her. All she wanted was to be with him. She left him then to get the baby, and brought him out to lie between them on the couch. He was a beautiful baby, and Joe looked at him silently and then at her. “It'll be all right, Kate. Maybe we can see each other once in a while.”

“And then what? We'll always wish we were together. That's not a life.”

“It's all we've got, for now. Maybe it's enough.” But she knew it wouldn't be for long. They would always want more than just stolen moments and knowing that
they loved each other and couldn't be together. It sounded like a lifetime of torture to her. He looked at her then, she looked so tormented, and so unhappy, and he knew she had to feed the baby. “Do you want me to go, or wait till you've fed him?” She knew he should go, but she didn't want him to. She didn't know when or if she'd see him again.

“If you want, you can wait.” She went in the other room, while he watched TV, and when she came back, Joe had fallen asleep on the couch. He had had a long day, and it had been an emotional evening for both of them. She looked more peaceful after feeding the baby, and Reed was sound asleep in his bassinet.

Kate sat watching Joe for a while, she touched his hair, and gently stroked his face. It was all so familiar. He had belonged to her for so many years, and she to him. They had so much history together, it was a powerful bond. She just sat there holding him for a long time, until after a while he opened his eyes.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered, and she smiled.

“No, you don't. I won't let you,” she said in a whisper back to him, and he kissed her. They lay on the couch kissing for a long time. It was an impossible situation, with an impossible man. “You've got to go,” she whispered. He nodded, but made no move to leave the couch, and kissed her again and again, and after a while, she no longer cared if he left or not. She didn't want him to go. She didn't want to have left him, she didn't want to hurt Andy, or their son… she didn't want any of it to happen, but the force of what tied them to each other was stronger than they were. He picked her up in his
arms and laid her on her bed. She knew she should tell him to go, but she couldn't. Instead, she let him peel away her clothes as he had so many times, and then he took off his own. They made love with all the longing that had haunted them for three years, and afterward, they fell into a deep, peaceful sleep in each other's arms.

17

W
HEN KATE WOKE UP
the next morning, she smiled feeling Andy beside her, and turned to face him, and when she did, she saw Joe. It hadn't been a dream or a nightmare. It had been the culmination of all the years she had loved him, and the three years they'd been apart. But she had no idea what to do now. They had to forget each other, she told herself, as she watched him slowly stir. The baby was still sound asleep.

Joe woke a few minutes later, and when he saw her, he smiled.

“Am I dreaming? Or did I die and go to Heaven last night?” It all seemed so simple to him. He wasn't married to anyone, and wasn't in danger of destroying anyone's life, except hers and his own. That was enough.

“You look disgustingly happy,” she accused him, but as she did, she snuggled close to him. The time they spent in bed, in the morning, cuddled close to each other, and talking, had always been her favorite part of their day. “You must have no conscience at all.”

“None,” he confirmed. He smiled as he kissed the top of her head. He hadn't been this happy in years, for that moment at least, all was well with the world. “Is the
baby okay? Is he supposed to still be sleeping?” It was new to him.

“He's fine. He sleeps late,” she said, touched that he was concerned.

He began kissing her then, and they took advantage of the fact that Reed was still asleep to make love again. It was all like a dream. It was almost as though he had never left, except that they had both grown up in the past three years, and she was married and had a child. But what she shared in bed with Joe, and everywhere else, she had never had with any other man. All the feelings they had for each other ran deeper than either of them was able to understand. It was like some kind of primal pull. They had to be together. They were so different, so separate, each so unique, and yet in some part of them, they were as one. It needed no explanations and few words. Most of the time, it needed none at all. The words were only the external excuse for what they felt. The apologies they made. The promises they could no longer keep. The words didn't matter at all. It was the rest that bound them to each other's souls.

The baby woke up finally with a healthy cry. Kate nursed him while Joe took a shower, and afterward she made breakfast for them. He wanted to linger over breakfast with her, and he laughed when the baby grinned at him from his little seat. And then he said regretfully that he had a meeting that morning, and had to go. He would have loved to spend the day with them.

“Can you have lunch?” he asked Kate as he stood up and put his jacket on.

“What are we doing, Joe?” she asked him with deep, worried eyes. They still had time to stop. It could be one
time, one moment that she could atone for, for the rest of her life. It was early enough to stop before they destroyed everything, and everyone in their wake. She had far more to lose than he. It was up to her to stop, she knew, but she couldn't bear losing him again. Deep in her soul she knew it was already too late.

“I think we're doing the best we can, Kate. That's all we can do. We'll figure it out as we go.” He had a way of not wanting to see the pitfalls that lay ahead, except when building planes.

“That's dangerous,” she said as she smoothed the lapels of his coat. She loved the way he looked, his height, his chiseled face, the cleft chin, the very male square of his shoulders, the eyes that followed her everywhere, the long legs. She was drunk on him. He was her dream, and had always been, since she was seventeen. It was too great a force to fight. And it was no different for him. He had been mesmerized by her since the first time he saw her, drawn to her like moth to flame.

“Life is dangerous, Kate,” he said calmly, as he smiled at her and then kissed her. He couldn't get enough of her, or she him. “Maybe it's not worthwhile unless it is. Good things come at a high price. I've never been afraid to pay for what I want, or believe.” But they were paying this time with other lives than just their own. “Do you want to meet me for lunch?” She hesitated, and then nodded. She wanted to be with him for as long as she could. She realized now that she had no choice.

“I'll get a sitter. Where do you want to meet?”

He suggested Le Pavilion, which had always been one of her favorite places, and they agreed to meet at noon. After he left, she nursed the baby again, and sat quietly
on the couch. There were pictures of her and Andy all around the room, and a portrait taken at their wedding the year before. Being with Joe again made Andy seem like a distant dream. She knew she loved him, she reminded herself, he was her husband. But he always seemed like a boy in comparison to the man Joe already was. There was something about Joe that intoxicated her every time she saw him. He was right, it was dangerous, but at that exact moment in time Kate knew it was too late to turn back, and the risks seemed worth the happiness they shared.

She put the baby back in his bassinet, and called the sitter. And at noon, she met Joe at Le Pavilion, and walked in wearing a pale green silk dress, with a watery emerald pin her mother had given her years before. She looked beautiful and delicate, and the dress looked incredible with her dark auburn hair. Joe sat staring at her, as she walked across the room, just as he had ten years before. There was a certain danger in their being so visible and public, but they had discussed it and decided that their having lunch openly would seem less suspicious, if someone saw them, than if they appeared to be hiding somewhere.

“Aren't you Joe Allbright?” she whispered as she sat down next to him. And he grinned. He loved the way she looked and played and smelled, loved the way she sauntered across a room, totally unaware of how spectacular she was. Together, they made an extraordinary pair. They were not an obvious match, but they looked incredible together, and always had. It was part of the magic they exuded and shared.

“Do you want to go flying this weekend?” he asked her over lunch. She had always loved his planes, and she hadn't flown herself in three years. He told her he had a cute little model that had just been delivered the day before. “You'll love it, Kate,” he grinned, looking more than ever like a handsome boy.

“Sure.” She had nothing else to do. She was free for the next three and a half months, and she realized now that whatever happened after that, this time belonged to them. There was no point fighting it. She had abandoned herself to the fates. The tether that bound them could not be cut. Or at least not yet.

They stayed at lunch for a long time, and were very circumspect, and then he went back to the office and she went home. She was going to take Reed to the park, and she found a letter from Andy when she got home. It was so funny and loving, and he missed her so much, that it cut through her like a knife. She sat there holding it for a long time, crying. She had never felt as guilty in her life, and she knew that what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn't stop. No matter how much she cared about Andy, she needed to be with Joe.

She was quiet that night when Joe came back. He had had a busy day at the office, and he was tired. She fixed him a scotch and water and handed it to him, and then poured herself a glass of wine. The baby was already asleep.

“I had a letter from Andy today. I feel awful, Joe. If he ever finds out, this will break his heart. He'd probably divorce me,” she said, looking depressed.

“Good. Then I'll marry you.” He'd been thinking
about it all day, and had almost made up his mind. But he had wanted to ponder it some more before saying anything to her.

“You're just saying that because I'm married to someone else. If I were free,” she smiled at him, “you'd run like hell.”

“Try me.”

“I can't.”

“Let's not talk about it, and enjoy the time we have,” he said calmly. Which was exactly what they did.

For the next month, they had lunch several times a week, dinner together every night, at home and out, went flying on the weekends, went to movies, talked, made love, laughed, and cocooned themselves in their own little world. Joe even played with the baby when he came home every night, and got wildly excited when he discovered Reed's first tooth. It was as though they were a perfect family, and Andy didn't exist. The only reminder of him was Andy's mother, who came to see the baby once a week, on Tuesday afternoons, but Kate was careful that there was never any sign of Joe's presence anywhere in the house. And when they went out, Kate and Joe were discreet enough for anyone to believe they were just friends and not romantically involved. But they felt more like husband and wife. They were an inseparable pair.

She wrote to Andy almost every day, but the letters were stilted and felt strange. She only hoped he didn't notice. Mostly, she talked about Reed, and said very little about herself. It seemed best that way. And what he had told her about the trials was fascinating. But he also told her how much he missed her and loved her and
couldn't wait to come home to Reed and her. Each letter was like a slice to her heart. She had no idea what they would do, and she and Joe had agreed not to try to figure it out until the fall.

In August, she had promised her parents that she would spend a week with them in Cape Cod, but she hated the thought of leaving Joe. They had so little time. They were already halfway through the four months Andy would be gone. But she knew that if she didn't go to the Cape with the baby, her parents would know something was amiss, and might even come to New York and discover Joe living with her. He had moved in at the end of July. So she decided it was best to go. Joe said he'd keep busy while she was gone, and they agreed that she would call him. Her mother would have recognized his voice on the phone if he called. It was strange being so deceitful, and not something she was proud of, to say the least, but they had no choice. If this was what they wanted, what they felt they had to have, they had to play by what rules they could.

She'd already been at the Cape for five days, the night of their neighbor's annual barbecue. She left the baby with a sitter and went next door with her parents. She was in good spirits, and knew that in two more days she would see Joe. She could hardly wait.

She was having drinks on the terrace just above the dunes, when she turned around and saw him walk in. And mercifully, she looked appropriately surprised. In fact, she looked stunned. Joe had surprised her and come up to visit his friends, and had come to the barbecue with them. Their hosts were pleased to see him, and remembered him from several years before. Joe
Allbright was not a man one forgot, and they hadn't. He was making his way slowly across the terrace, shaking hands and greeting people, when Kate's mother spotted him.

“What's he doing here?” she asked Kate.

“I have no idea,” Kate said, turning away, so her mother couldn't see her face. But she thought Joe had been foolish to come. It was tempting fate. And Kate wasn't sure either of them could pull it off.

“Did you know he was coming?” The inquisition started, as her father walked across the terrace to shake Joe's hand. He was pleased to see him, in spite of the rift between him and Kate. That was all behind them now, she was married to another man. The past was the past, or so he thought.

“Why would I know he was coming, Mother? He has friends here. He's been here before.”