Loki (4 page)

He loved Bella, but some things just could never be.

Chapter Three

Loki paced in the great hall after dinner. Alex and Madeline had insisted on a special meal for the clan once a week, with everyone invited inside for meat pies, bread, cheese, and fruit tarts. The men would hunt boar, deer, or wild pigs for the meal—even a pheasant if they could. They’d had a good summer this year, so the food stores were well-stocked with apples, pears, beans, and peas. They had music and dancing as well, and the minstrels stopped in whenever they came this far into the mountains. Two were here tonight, but once heavy winter set in, they would be gone.

Highland weather was another reason he needed to leave soon. Once the heavy snows came, there would be no departing Grant land. Loki sat at the dais with his mother and sire, along with his other aunts and uncles, Alex and Maddie, and Robbie and Caralyn. Most of his younger cousins sat at a nearby table, but he had finally been given a seat at the dais, along with Alex’s eldest lads, Jamie and Jake.

Jamie leaned over to address Loki. “Who have you chosen to warm your bed tonight, Loki?”

Loki scowled at his cousin. “You will not speak in such a way at the same table as my mother.”

Jake gave him a look that was probably intended to convey maturity. “Why are you so sensitive?”

“Because ‘tis my mother. You two have the sweetest mother on the face of the earth, and you do not respect her enough. That, then, is your choice. But if you do not respect
my
mother, I’ll take the two of you outside and explain it to you with my fists,” he whispered.

His mother gave him a sweet smile. Hellfire, but he would miss her. His sire Brodie wrapped an arm around Celestina’s shoulder and hugged her close. Watching the two together was much like a fist in his gut.
This
was what married life should be—loving and supportive. It was undeniable that the sight of their happiness often made him wonder what had happened to his true parents—sickness, an animal attack, reivers, what? What could make two parents desert their child? He knew his adoptive parents would never do such a thing.

He scanned the room automatically, though it would only cause him pain when Bella crossed his line of vision. Shite, she was a beauty tonight. He caught her gaze once in a while, though she sat with her disapproving sire, a man with a permanent frown on his face because he was in the same room as Loki. Loki glanced at Brodie, who was laughing as he spoke to his brother, Robbie, also laughing. Aye, he had been blessed to find himself in such a family.

He should probably tell his sire how much he appreciated him. Rolling the stem of his goblet in a circle on top of the table, he wondered why he found it so difficult to put words to his feelings for them.

The music had started and a few of the younger clan members started to dance. His cousin, Ashlyn, soon appeared in front of him, her eyes cast downward. “Loki would you dance with me, please?”

“Ashlyn, you are close to my age. Are you sure there is not a lad here you would rather dance with?” His cousin was the daughter of Robbie’s wife Caralyn and his uncle had adopted her.

“Nay, you know I’ll never marry. ‘Tis not for me.”

Loki sighed, then got to his feet and held his hand out to Ashlyn. Her face lit up, so they strolled over to the dancing area and joined the group. Ashlyn was someone he could never refuse. He and Ashlyn shared a special bond—both of them had been adopted by the Grant clan after difficult childhoods. To this day, she spent most of her time protecting her younger sister Gracie, and now she had two brothers to protect as well.

Loki was a natural protector, too. He was completely devoted to his adoptive mother and father, his brother, Braden, and his two sisters. He loved every one of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. Bella was also on that list, though he knew he did not have any right to be her protector. He would never let aught happen to any of them. “Someday, you’ll find a lad and change your mind.”

“Nay, I will not. And you know why. I do not trust men.” As she twirled in a circle, laughter erupted from her normally serious face and her brown hair swung in a curtain behind her.

Loki said, “Ashlyn, you’ve become a beautiful lass. You must marry.”

“Do I? And what about you? You’re older and not married.” She smirked as her chin jutted out another notch.

Loki had no answer for her. He decided to let her win this argument, so he focused on dancing instead. Of course, he did not fail to notice that Bella had just moved into the dancing area. His gaze honed in on her and her partner. The lad who was chatting with her was not very big, and not very smooth either, but he was having a laugh with her.

“Your scowl is telling everyone what you think of Bella dancing, cousin.”

Loki jerked his gaze back to Ashlyn. “I’ve no scowl on my face.” He tried to smile, but failed.

Ashlyn giggled. “I can see you are trying. You’re almost there, though I know better than to believe it. ‘Tis making you daft to watch her with another.”

The music ended, so they walked back to the table, but Loki purposefully altered their path so he could swing a sharp elbow at Bella’s dance partner in passing. He could feel the emotion churning in his gut as he headed back to the dais.

His sire moved to the stool across from him. “Jealousy is a wicked emotion.”

“I do not know of what you speak, Da.”

“Nay? I think you do, and if it bothers you so, say the word and we’ll see you married to her. You know your laird can order it.”

“As I’ve said before, I do not want it ordered. I want Bella to want to marry me, and I want her sire to believe I’m deserving of her.” He plunked onto the bench, frustration seeping from his pores. He would never survive Bella marrying another.

“That will not happen if you run away.” Brodie spoke to him quietly, but Loki was sure his mother could overhear.

“Aye, well, her da does not accept me, so there’s no reason for me to stay any longer.”

“Why is that? I think your mother,” he tipped his head toward Celestina, “would say otherwise.”

Hellfire, why did his sire always do that to him? He could not bear to look at his mother now. “Bella may be sent with her sister to assist her upon her marriage.”

Brodie appeared surprised. “We were not aware of that.”

Loki clenched his fists on top of the table. “There is no chance of our marriage.”

“There is, you’re just insisting that it happens on your terms.”

“And if it were up to you, Da, would you do the same or have your laird force it?” Loki knew the answer to this question, but he did not know if his sire would admit it.

Brodie turned to gaze at his wife, who was deep in conversation with her sisters-in-law. His father’s hair had flecks of gray in it and he kept it longer than he had years ago, but one thing about him that had never changed was the deep love he felt for his wife. “At your age, I’d have done the same. But knowing what I know now, I would allow my laird to force the issue. I could not imagine life without your mother.” Brodie reached for Celestina’s hand and held it cocooned in his two while she continued to talk to Maddie and Caralyn. “Pride is not always worth it, Loki. Love is. But I’ll not interfere. ‘Tis your decision to make.”

Alison came over and tugged on her father’s sleeve. “Papa, may I sit with you?”

Brodie let go of his wife’s hand and turned to his youngest daughter with a smile. “Of course you may, lassie.” He swung her up in the air and then plopped her down in his lap with a shriek. He then kissed her cheek and growled, “There’ll be no lads dancing with my sweet lass.” Alison laughed and wrapped her arms around her father. “I love you, Papa.” She had the look of her mother, while Catriona more closely resembled the Grants.

Loki couldn’t help but feel a little envious of Alison. Why was it so easy for his sisters to admit to their feelings?

Another giggling voice caught his notice, and he glanced up in time to see another lad pulling Bella onto the dance floor. He knew why the lads all wished to dance with her, so it did not surprise him. Bella wasn’t just beautiful, she was also as nimble on her feet as his Aunt Gwyneth. Still, it released an ache in him that traveled all the way to his soul.

His sire stood up and grabbed his mother’s hand, and with Alison in his arms, the three of them headed to the dance floor. Loki’s adoptive parents tickled Alison and played with her until she was quite hysterical. There they were for all to see—the perfect example of a loving family.
His
family. Soon, Catriona ran over to partake in their revelry. Braden was busy with his friends in the corner, eyeing up the lassies.

Where did he fit in? Did he? He ran his hand down his face and closed his eyes to rid himself of the vision of Bella with another lad.
Of course
he belonged. The Grants had been his clan for over fifteen years. The area near the musicians was full, but not so full that he did not notice when Bella was tugged out the front door by some lad he didn’t know.

He bolted out of his chair so fast, he almost knocked it over. He made his way through the crowd, trying to get outside as soon as possible without being too pushy. It was already dark outside and the cool air hit his face as he searched the immediate area for Bella. He blew on his fingers to warm them up, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness. They were not in the courtyard, but a light sound from Aunt Maddie’s garden caught his ears. He turned toward the sound, just in time to hear Bella shout out a loud, “Nay! Leave me be, Evan.”

His feet carried him in the direction of her voice, and when he came upon them, he could see she was struggling with the lad who had led her outside.

“Please, Bella. I just want a wee kiss. You’ve kissed the outsider before. If you do not kiss me, too, I’ll tell all the lads you showed me all you’ve got.” Evan tugged her closer as she tried to push him away.

“Leave me be, you big lout.” She shoved at him as hard as she could and tried to kick him, but it was no use. He would not release her.

That was all it took for Loki’s temper to explode. He rushed forward and grabbed the lad by the neck, then tossed him through the air. Moments later, he landed on top of him and started pummeling him with his fists.

“She’s mine, you rat bastard. You’ll never touch her again.” He punched the lad’s face again and split his lip, sending blood flying through the air.

Bella screamed and tried to grab his arm. “Get off him, Loki. Stop! You’ll kill him. Stop, please!”

Loki heard her, but an unknown force had stolen over him as soon as the words, “Leave me be,” had left her mouth. Hellfire, but someone had to show this Evan that Bella was off limits to him and every other lad on Grant land. What her sire wanted did not matter.

Other noises approached in the background—footsteps and shouts—but he still did not stop. Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind and tossed in front of a nearby tree with enough force that he went flying through the air and hit the ground hard as if he were a wee lad. Grunting as he landed, he was all set to fight back until he saw who had tossed him like he weighed no more than a feather.

Uncle Alex had grabbed him, and Brodie and Robbie were standing right behind him.

Bella’s father followed. “If either lad touched my daughter, I want him whipped. Nay, I’ll whip him myself.”

“Papa, please. Loki was trying to protect me.” Bella slipped over to Loki’s side and grabbed his hand to rub the dirt out of the scraped skin on his knuckles.

Loki lifted his finger to point at Evan, but Alex stopped him. “You’ll say naught until I speak to you.”

Loki snapped his jaw closed, knowing better than to argue with his uncle. He’d heard the stories about how the laird had killed a man in the middle of the courtyard with the entire clan watching. The man had dared to hurt Maddie, and he had not lived to regret it.

Alex turned to face Bella’s father and said, “‘Twas not my nephew at fault. Take your daughter and go home, Nevin. I’ll deal with the situation.”

Loki could see the old man wished to argue, but instead he grabbed Bella by the hand and yanked her down the pathway.

Bella turned to shout over her shoulder, “Many thanks, Loki, for protecting me.”

Loki pushed himself up and brushed the leaves and dirt off his hands, watching as the lass he loved was dragged away from him. Aye, her father would probably rather she married someone like Evan who mauled her and treated her like a wench.

Chapter Four

The next day, Loki stood in the middle of the solar, tapping his foot as he waited for the inquisition…or whatever this would turn out to be. He’d rather be back in the forest trying to fight off five reivers than standing in front of these five people.

His da stood at one end of the room with Laird Alex Grant and Uncle Robbie, while Uncle Logan and Aunt Gwyneth stood on the other. These were five of the people he admired most. He’d do anything rather than disappoint them.

Was the day finally here? Had his welcome faded from Clan Grant? It was what he had always feared.

Loki’s mother had tried to nurse his wounds before he was called into the solar, but he’d just pushed her away. He could not allow himself to be coddled anymore.

He kneaded his hands in front of him to try to hide the slight tremors.

Alex, still the tallest and most braw warrior in the clan, spoke first. “If you want the lass as your wife, lad, just say the word.”

Loki stared at the floor and clasped his hands behind his back. “My thanks, my laird, but her sire does not consider me an acceptable husband.”

“I do not care what her sire wants. I’ll see that it happens if ‘tis what you and Arabella want.”

Loki gritted his teeth. “I wish to earn her sire’s respect, and if I cannot, then we shall not marry.”

A voice came over his shoulder from someone he had not seen enter the solar. His mother. “Loki, I know you have felt the need to prove your worth to your clanmates over the last few years, but you do not need to prove it to us. We all know your worth.”

Brodie added, “None know your worth more than we do, lad. They’ve not seen you in action. We have. Everyone in this chamber has seen what you can do. You are deserving of the lass, but if you do not act soon, she will probably seek another.”

Loki didn’t answer, mostly because he couldn’t. He wished to say so many things about how unfair and unreasonable Bella’s sire was, but it was impossible to do so with his mother in the room. He would never, ever disrespect her. When he had nicknamed her missy angel in his youth, he’d had no idea how close to an angel she was.

Now he did.

“Do you have feelings for her?” Alex asked. “Or is there another?”

Another? Shite, nay. Remembering his mother was near, he replied, “Nay, there is no other.”

His sire asked again, “So your feelings are for Bella?”

Feelings? How the hell could he answer that? Of course, he knew what his uncle meant, but a part of Loki was not sure what to say. He’d spent the first seven years of his life with no feelings at all. The only thing he’d ever felt was hunger. He recalled almost every moment of his life in that wicked crate. He’d lived with rats and mice and bugs, and dug through the trash thrown out of tavern windows… But Bella, Bella made him wish for all the things he wasn’t quite certain he deserved.

“Loki?”

Not knowing how to express himself, he mumbled, “I do not have feelings…”

Alex made his pronouncement. “Then it’s settled. We’ll not question you anymore about this. But you are to stay away from Bella. Understood? She’s free to choose another. You’ve had your chance and you’ve turned it away.” Immediately, he heard the door close behind him. His mother had left. His sire soon followed. Loki stayed rooted to the floor. He had no wish to see his mother cry.

Logan moved over to his side of the room. “Then we’ll take him in training for the crown if you are agreeable, Laird.”

Alex’s narrowed gaze focused on Loki. “Aye, take him. His hot head will get him in trouble. Loki, before you go…” Alex tipped his head toward the door. “You know how you’ve hurt your mother. I expect you to mend this. I recall how foolish young lads are. ‘Tis why I’m ordering you to say goodbye to your parents before you leave.”

Loki frowned. “I’d be happy to pen her a note.”

“Loki, you did not hear me. You will speak to her before you leave. Lad, I know you’ve not had the easiest life, but no one could care for you more than Brodie and Celestina do.” His voice softened. “I believe you know that, but you’re young, and my guess is you must work through this in your own way. I’m forcing you not to be too heartless along the way. You’ll speak kindly to your mother before you leave, or I swear, I’ll hunt you down. Understood?”

Loki swallowed before answering. “Aye, my laird. My thanks for all you’ve done.” His uncle was the last man he wished to anger.

“Do not thank me, thank your parents. They are the ones who brought you home. And this
is
your home, lad. I trust you’ll discover that in your own way. There will always be a place for you in Clan Grant.”

Logan turned to Loki. “Go see your parents. We’ll be leaving before first light on the morrow.”

Loki nodded and trudged out the door to make his way into the great hall. Bella was there serving the midday meal, so he turned away and headed toward the tower rooms. Though every ounce of his being warned him to run in the opposite direction, he would do as he had been ordered. He stepped inside the tower, but the vision he saw there halted him in his tracks.

Brodie stood with his arms wrapped around his wife, her tears drenching his shoulder. As soon as Loki closed the door behind him, Celestina stepped back, but Brodie kept his arm around her shoulder.

“Oh, Loki,” Celestina whispered, the tremor in her voice squeezing his insides.

Loki closed his eyes, not wanting to see this sadness in his mother. How could she understand what he was going through? He could hardly even understand it.

“Loki, I know how it is to feel like you do not matter to anyone, but it saddens me to think you believe that about your da and me. You know we love you as much as if I had birthed you from my own womb.”

“I know you love me, Mama.”

“Then why do you wish to leave? Why will you not allow your uncle to help with Arabella?”

He turned his gaze away, unable to bear the pain he was causing her. “Mama, it’s not that. It’s…” How could he explain that his worth had always been based on his cleverness? That the only reason the Grants had fallen in love with him was because he thought quickly and responded to situations with unparalleled instincts.

All the tales had been told over and over again—how Loki had saved his mother, how he had helped with Gracie and Caralyn, how he alone had saved his Aunt Jennie after she was kidnapped. But what had he accomplished since then?

Naught. And that meant he had no value. At least he would be using his quick wit if he went to work with his uncle.

As if reading his thoughts, his father replied, “Son, your value is not based on saving people, but on being part of a loving family. You are good to your sisters and all your cousins. You’ve always helped where needed. You’ve shown yourself to be honest, hard-working, and dependable. That’s what tells us your worth.”

Celestina spanned the room until she was standing directly in front of Loki. “I believe I know what you are thinking. You are questioning whether you truly have feelings for others because you cannot express them. But you do. I know you love me. Aye…you love me, your da, your brother and sisters, your cousins, your aunts and uncles,
and
Bella. We see it in you every day. Why must you run from us? I do not understand. Help me to understand, please, Loki. Why must you leave us? Will you not marry Bella and live the life you deserve? You so deserve a life of happiness.”

Did he? If he did, why had his true parents deserted him? He must have been bad, really bad. Who would leave a good child, one they adored, out in the burgh alone to fend for himself? A part of him felt he deserved the rejection of Bella’s father.

He could feel it creeping around inside of him. There was some knowledge there, and he was afraid of it.

Desperately afraid.

***

Bella had spent all day slowing her feet as much as possible, dragging her feet around the kitchen, hoping Loki would find his way to the great hall. She’d heard he was leaving on the morrow, and she just had to see him one more time. It was late, but there was still no sign of Loki. She grabbed her mantle and headed out the back door, closing it with a heavy sigh.

She was almost to the courtyard when a familiar voice reached her ears. “Lass, I thought you’d never leave. Is Cook working your fingers until they fall off?”

She spun around to find Loki leaning against a tree, barely visible in the moonlight.

“Loki, I was waiting for you,” she said, letting her exasperation leak into her voice. “Where have you been? I heard you’re leaving on the morrow forever.”

Loki shoved away from the tree and tugged her close, wrapping his arms around her to give her his warmth. “Bella, Bella, what shall I do without you? Ever since that day many moons ago when you kissed me and swore to love me forever, you’ve had my heart.”

“Then why are you leaving me?” She grabbed his plaid in her fists, not wanting to ever let go.

“Your sire will not have me, so I must leave. Besides, Bella, you know there are…other things pulling me away. I’ve told you before how I feel tugged in two directions.” He leaned in and nuzzled her neck.

“Loki, you are good hearted. We all love you—your
clan
loves you. Do not be so thick-skulled. You are quick and bright, and you have the biggest heart of anyone. I know that to be true, why can you not see that you belong here?”

“I made myself useful once, but many moons have passed since then. I do not want to be a burden on my clan.”

“They do not see you that way, and never would. You’ve done too much for the Grants.”

His fingers caressed the back of her neck as he held her close. “Mayhap your sire has the right of it. Mayhap I’m still naught more than an orphan living in a box, of no worth to anyone.”

“Loki Grant—and your name is Grant, remember?—you’ll never say that to me again. You are worth more than any of the foolish louts practicing in the lists who know not which end of the sword to grab. You can teach us all something. You’re brave and smart and quick, but most of all, you are verra loving whether you will it admit it to yourself or nay. You’re just blind to yourself. But I can see it, and so can your mother.”

Loki cupped her face and kissed her, their tongues dueling together until she made a sound deep in her throat, telling him just how much she loved him. She savored the taste of him, and just the thought that this could be their last kiss made tears roll down her cheeks.

He jerked back in surprise. “Bella, my kiss makes you cry.”

“Nay, you make me cry,” she said, sniffling. “The thought of you leaving me, never to return, makes me cry. The thought that this could be our last kiss makes me cry. Do you not know we belong together, you big brute?” Bella grabbed his arms, pinching him as if she needed to wake him up somehow. “You keep working yourself until your muscles are bigger than all. You’ve grown almost as tall as my laird, and you are still not happy. Loki, stay with me, please. I do not care what my sire thinks. I love my da, and I know what he says is because of my mama, but he is being unreasonable. We can just marry and he will adjust to it, I’m sure. It may take time, but we have time.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. She couldn’t stop them now. “But if you leave me, what will become of us?”

“Lass,” he kissed the salt on her cheeks. “You know I must go. But someday, I’ll do something to make your sire proud of me. I’ll find some way to make them all proud of me. Will you promise not to marry another, to wait for me?”

Her breath hitched. “Loki, I love you. You big lout, there is no other for me. I promise I’ll wait for you.” She smacked his arm lightly. “Do not make me wait verra long or my heart will be broken.” She gave him her most fierce scowl.

He smirked at her and brushed a tear from her cheek. “You have always believed in me, Bella, and I thank you for it. I shall return, but I know not when, and this time, I promise to bring good news.”

“The only good news I want is that you’re well and you are staying the next time. And that you’ll marry me no matter what anyone thinks.” She rested her head on his shoulder and he ran his hand along the strands of hair that had loosed themselves from her plait. “And you know I want a daughter of ours to have your eyes.”

“What?” Loki stared at her-wide-eyed.

“I want a lass with one eye blue and the other green, just like you. I’ve never seen another like you.” She kissed him and ran her tongue across his bottom lip before she plunged it inside his mouth.

Two voices echoed in the distance, coming closer, putting an end to their play. “Bella, I must go. Those are my uncles coming.”

He kissed her soundly, then stole off into the night.

She sobbed in the dark, no longer interested in heading home.