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I pour the first shot and allow the dark liquor to slide down the back of my throat. With the second shot, I let out all of the raw emotion that is poisoning my body. The tears flow freely now. With each tear, I pour another shot and then another, trying to drown them out.

Take that, fucker.

It’s not too long before I can’t stand. I lie on the floor in an uncomfortable position waiting for the upheaval. At least, when I start to get sick, I won’t be able to focus on the pain in my chest. I pray it comes quickly.

* * *

It needed to be done. It is the only way to ensure Caydon will be safe. The thought of living without him is unbearable. But the thought of him leaving my world forever is worse.

My family is worried about my well-being. They think my reason for breaking up with Caydon is absurd. It’s not to me.

None of them have ever experienced abandonment. They aren’t haunted by death and scary thoughts of loved ones being hurt. I’ve felt all of those things and they have wreaked havoc on my life. It’s all about surviving now. Not my survival but survival for those that I love.

Caydon’s absence is slowly killing my heart. I grow angrier every day. On the same note, however, my anger fuels my mission. It seems to be working because the swelling on my dad’s brain is going down. They are planning to wake him up very soon. The universe is acknowledging my attempts and rewarding me.

Annalisa hasn’t mentioned Caydon. I’m thankful for that. I don’t think I could bear to hear his name right now.

Her spirits have risen with the good news that my dad is getting better. That’s all I can ask for right now.

The waiting room is quiet today. Most of my dad’s family has gone back to work and school. They know he’s not out of the woods yet but at least they know he is going to make it.

Annalisa sits beside me reading the same magazine she read the day before. I think she is just staring at it so she doesn’t have to talk to me. I panic a little when she places it on the table and stares at me. “Are you ready for this?” she asks. “The doctors are worried that he might freak out when they wake him up.”

“I don’t think anyone can be ready for this.” My voice is low. “I mean, his last memories before all of this happened is a bunch of guys beating him up. My guess is that he’s going to wake up fighting.”

Her sad eyes examine me. “Reece, they will restrain him. The doctors said it is so he won’t hurt himself.”

“And?” I ask defensively.

“And you are fragile right now. I want to make sure you will remain calm when you are allowed to see him.”

“I’ll be fine,” I grind out.

Heh. She thinks I’m crazy, too. Maybe I am.

Before I have a chance to discuss it further, one of the doctors enters the waiting room. He sits down next to Annalisa and myself. He lets out a sigh, “It went as to be expected.”

Annalisa jumps right in. “What does that mean?” There is worry on her face.

“He is agitated and a little disoriented.” The doctor goes on and on about cognitive tests that need to be done and medication that needs to be given.

At the end of the conversation, I’m itching to know one thing. “Does he remember the fight?”

God, I hope not.

The doctor smiles softly. “Sometimes, a patient who is medically induced will have very vivid dreams while they are under. From what I can tell, your dad did have some dreams that seem very real to him. Most patients experience some flashbacks, while others completely forget the trauma and hospital experience. The good news is that he is concerned about you and Annalisa,” he explains.

“Can we see him?” I ask.

“In a few hours,” he answers as he leaves us.

Annalisa is practically jumping in her chair with excitement. “I have to call everyone.” She flies from her chair and walks outside to make her phone calls.

Everyone.

“Annalisa, wait.” I run after her and grab her arm. “By everyone, do you mean Caydon too?”

She places her hand on her hip and the other grasps her cell phone. “He loves your dad. He should be here with us.”

My hands fist my hair. “It’s too soon. I can’t see him, Annalisa.” I know it’s unfair to ask.

Annalisa is taken aback. I can tell by her facial expression. “How dare you? This isn’t about you, Reece. This is about all of the people who have been by your dad’s side…our side…since day one. Caydon has asked about him every damn day. He’s been itching to come here. But he hasn’t. Why?” She spits out her words. “Because of you.”

I begin to cry realizing how selfish I have been. “Annalisa…”

“No,” she cuts me off. “I get that you have been through hell and back. I do. I also know that everything that you’re running from is in your head.”

I wish fear didn’t exist. If it didn’t, I’d run back to Caydon in a heartbeat.

Annalisa lets her defenses down and grasps my shoulders. “You’re wounded. Don’t let your pain own you.” She leaves me standing there alone.

I just want to keep everyone who I love safe. Keeping them away from me seems like the only way to do that. Or maybe I’m just trying to keep my heart safe. If I push everyone away, I eliminate the possibility of getting hurt.

That sounds more like it.

The sad part is that I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to let go of the fear.

* * *

My dad is extremely agitated today, more so than the other two days that he’s been awake. He’s frustrated mostly because he can’t do simple things, like go to the bathroom by himself.

Within the last hour, I’ve watched him launch things across the room and scream at the nursing staff.

On a positive note, he’s recovering well. He has to go to rehabilitation for about two weeks. After he completes his stint in rehab, he will be allowed to come home.

He’s convinced Annalisa to move in and sell her condominium. He’s adamant about me concentrating on my studies and not doting on him. Instead, Annalisa has volunteered for this role. She seems happy about it, to be honest. When I asked her how she felt about taking care of my dad, she said there is no other place that she’d rather be.

True love.

Caydon has made sporadic appearances at the hospital. He’s cordial toward me. And I appreciate that. Usually, he stays with my dad for about a half of an hour and jets.

Today, he just happens to walk in when my dad needs help going to the bathroom. My dad is in the middle of handing the nurse’s ass to her when I see Caydon. “What’s up?” he asks me.

I fidget uncomfortably in my chair. He looks tired but delicious.

Why? Why? Why?

I snap out of my stupor. “He’s a little pissed that a woman nurse has to take him to the bathroom. He doesn’t want my help and your mom is in the cafeteria.”

“I’ll take him,” he says. Just like that, he volunteers.

“Thank God!” My dad is overjoyed.

Caydon bats his big, brown eyes at the nurse. “Hey, thanks for your help. But I’ll take him.” His voice is smooth and silky.

Damn.
Did he ever use that voice on me?

My dad latches onto Caydon’s arm. “Thanks, man. I’m sick of every nurse being all up in my junk.”

Caydon snickers as he leads my dad into the bathroom. “Yeah, I guess that would get old pretty quick.” Once my dad is safely inside of the bathroom, Caydon stands outside of the door.

I don’t mean to stare at him. But I can’t help myself. Gosh, I want to run to him and wrap myself around him.

He remains quiet and doesn’t make eye contact with me. It hurts that he won’t talk to me.

“Thanks, Caydon,” I say quickly.

“Yup.” He takes his phone out of his pocket and glances down at it.

I want to say a million things to him. All of the words are caught in my throat. Finally, I choke out, “Is that all you can say to me?”

Caydon leans against the door, tilting his head back. “I’m respecting your wishes.”

“I never wished for you to act like I don’t exist,” I snort.

He uses his foot to push himself from the door. “You want me away from you. I’m staying away.”

“Caydon…” I begin.

He cuts me off. “Don’t play with my fucking head, Reece. You made it clear that you don’t want me for whatever fucked up reasons are in your head. But don’t act like we can be friends.” Strolling toward me, he places his arms on each side of the armrests on my chair. He moves my hair away from my ear. His lips are so close to my ear and my body immediately reacts. “Don’t act like this…like we’re friendly. Remember, I’ve been inside of you,” he whispers.

I shiver from his words. I’m pulled from my trance when I hear my dad knock on the door, signaling that he is done in the bathroom. Caydon boosts himself from my chair and paces toward the bathroom door. His head peeks over his shoulder and he gives me a lopsided grin. “By the way, if God only gives me one day with you instead of a million days without you, it would be worth it.”

Well played. Dammit.

* * *

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crushed. I am. Seeing her every day isn’t helping my heart heal any faster.

Most days, Reece ignores me. Damn, if that doesn’t hurt like hell.

I’m proud of myself. When I left Reece’s house, I went home and drank myself into a stupor. I woke up the next day ashamed of myself. Instead of drinking myself to death, I should have channeled my grief into fighting for Reece. Every day after that, I thought of constructive ways I could get her back. And that’s my goal.

Instead of telling Reece that she is letting fear hold her back, I decide to show her that she has support. I go to the rehabilitation center and help with her dad. I’ve helped my mom arrange to sell her condominium. I bring her family donuts and coffee when they are camped out at the rehab center.

She’s not alone and the burden is not all on her.

It took me a while to comprehend what exactly happened to Reece in Florida. Her grandparents disowned Reece and her mom. They let Reece watch her mother die.

Now, Reece believes that she has to do the same thing with her dad. And if she eliminates the people she cares about, she won’t have to watch everyone she loves die.

I know it’s wrong, but I hope her grandparents’ rot in hell.
Pussies.

I’m not a pussy. I’m going to fight for her. I love her and I’m going to show her that she never ever has to be alone.

Her dad is with the physical therapists right now. They are giving him a plan to follow at home for when he is released today. My mom and Reece are gathering his personal items to take home. I stand back ready to follow any orders they give me.

It’s a small space. Occasionally, Reece bumps into me. It flusters her.
It flusters me too but in a different way.

She collides into me again. “Sorry.”

I grin at her. “I’m not.”

Reece smiles at me. It’s been a long while since I’ve seen that. “Thanks for coming and helping out.”

My arms reach out to give her a quick hug. “I told you, I’m with you. You are not doing this alone,” I murmur. She squeezes me back.

Hell, yeah.

Her arms wrap around my waist. “I’m not, am I?”

Looking down at her beautiful face, I say, “Nope. You never will be again.” I take her face into my hands.

“Caydon…don’t.” She tries to get away.

Don’t push me away, Baby.

“Then, I won’t.”
Why is she so Goddamn difficult?

Her eyes pool with tears. Instead of sticking it out and talking to me, she throws more of her dad’s stuff in a bag. Her walls are back up again.
Motherfucker.

My mom passes by me and grabs my arm. In a low voice, she says, “Don’t give up.”

I nod and walk out of the room. I need to go to plan B.

* * *

My dad is finally settled in his bed and resting. Annalisa is in the kitchen getting my dad his lunch. I have to say, she’s going to be a great wife. She adores taking care of my dad. And my dad loves having her around.

I try to get some of my homework done while sitting in my dad’s chair while he rests. Not fifteen minutes into my schoolwork, my dad sits up and groans a little.

I put my books down and ask, “Do you need something, Daddy?”

“Just stiff. That’s all. You okay, Reece’s Pieces?” Shouldn’t I be asking him that question? “Talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Anything you want to talk about.” I know what he is trying to do. He must know that Caydon and I split up.

I cock my head to the side and give him a knowing look. “You’re not sneaky, Dad. You must be feeling better.”

He pats the bed encouraging me to sit on the side of it. I roll my eyes. “Am I losing my game?”

“You’ve already lost your game, old man,” I joke.

He lets out a hearty laugh. “Old man? I’m thirty-six.”

I take my seat on the side of his bed and playfully punch him in the shoulder. “Yeah, well, that’s old to me.”

“Smart ass.”

“Thanks, my dad taught me to be one.” I’m pretty clever.

“Yeah, he did. He also taught you to be a fighter.” His tone is serious.

“Dad, don’t. This isn’t a good time,” I bark.

So much shit went down when my dad was in the hospital. Now that he is out and getting better, I have had a lot of time to think. Mostly, I am second-guessing the decisions I have made. My family, Caydon, and Annalisa have been proving me wrong on a daily basis. Each one of them has been by my side helping me deal with this crisis. Sometimes, I get so much help that I feel like I am doing nothing at all.

I was in a bad place the night I saw Hannah with Caydon. I was afraid of losing my dad. And I let that fear take over me. Each day, with all of the support I get, my fears are subsiding. Watching my dad fighting for his life has given me hope. However, I’m still afraid of my feelings for Caydon. They are so damn strong. Shutting them off is the only way I know how to deal with it.

“Reece, do you know what made me get better the past few weeks?” he rushes out. “Do you?”