Lockdown (6 page)

He couldn’t just take Jess home and fuck her like she was some cheap tramp he picked up in a bar; she deserved so much better than that. She deserved a man who had the self-restraint to put a ring on her finger before taking her to bed, but his bitter divorce was still too fresh in his mind to even think about making that mistake again. Maybe someday… but he knew a woman like Jess wouldn’t be satisfied to wait around until he was ready. Hell, the poor girl had already been waiting for him forever. He could hardly blame her for wanting to look elsewhere, but that didn’t mean he had to make it easy for her.

“That’s what I thought,” she said, pushing against his chest. “You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either.” Her voice broke on a heart-wrenching sob. “I’ve loved you my whole life, Jake. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved, the only man I’ve ever wanted.” She sniffled as she brushed away the tears slipping down her cheeks. “But you can’t give me what I need, can you?”

He was speechless. Jess had never broken down like this in front of him before. He, and everyone in town, including his ex-wife, knew how she felt about him, but she’d never actually told him she loved him before. “Jess, I don’t know what to say.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to hurt you…”

“Then let me go,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of loving you, Jake.”

His heart clenched at her quiet admission. How could he have been so blind? He should have seen what he was doing to her. “Sweetness, I’m sorry…”

She shook her head, her big, blue eyes pleading with him to have mercy on her. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I did this. I allowed myself to fall in with love you. I was the one harboring stupid fantasies about us getting married, having babies…” She sobbed, turning her back on him. “I think Mama and Daddy were secretly hoping we’d take this big old house off their hands…” She sniffled. “I’d imagine us sitting right here drinking our morning coffee on the weekends.”

He gripped her shoulders, drawing her into his arms, her back to his front. “Please, don’t do this.”

The picture she painted sounded ideal, but he thought he’d found his happily ever after once before and he’d been wrong. He couldn’t afford to make the same mistake with Jessica. Their lives and their families were so entwined. Their parents were the best of friends. Their fathers played golf together on Saturday mornings, and their mothers volunteered at the nursing home and attended Sunday service together. If he screwed up with Jess, the way he had with Diane, none of their lives would ever be the same.

He had a son to think about. It wasn’t just him anymore. He couldn’t imagine putting Jared through another divorce. His son already loved Jessica and she loved him. With so much at stake if they got involved and it didn’t work out, he couldn’t take that kind of risk.

“I’m not saying Noah is the man to replace you, Jake. He’s probably not…” She gripped his forearm. “But someone else is out there for me, someone who can make me forget you. I have to believe that, and you have to let me believe that.”

He kissed the top of her head. He knew he had to let her go, but how was he supposed to do that when he feared he may finally be falling in love with her, too? Love was one thing, but marriage and babies, her dream, wasn’t a dream they shared, at least not now. “I want you to be happy.”

She reached up to grip his bicep. “I know you do. You’re a good man, the best…”

He didn’t know about that. A good man wouldn’t be so selfish. A decent man would do what was right for her without thinking about how much it was costing him.

“Did you know that Tucker wants me to go out with Phil?” she asked, leaning into him.

He closed his eyes, inhaling her fresh scent. He didn’t ever want to forget that scent. He knew once she found someone else, someone to replace him, as she put it, he’d never be able to hold her like this again. “He told me.”

“Do you think I should go out with him?”

No, don’t.
Watching her fall in love with someone else, one of his co-workers no less, would kill him. “I don’t know, Jess. Do you want to?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m so confused.” She turned into his arms, facing him. “Why’d you kiss me the other day?”

“Honestly?” He sighed. “Because I couldn’t help myself.” He stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers, watching her eyes drift closed. “You looked so beautiful. I needed to know if your lips tasted as sweet as they looked.”

She opened her eyes as she licked those luscious lips. “And… did they?”

“I’ve never tasted anything sweeter,” he whispered, tracing her lower lip with the tip of his index finger. “So ripe and lush…” He groaned. “You tasted like iced tea and peppermint.”

Her hands moved up his back. “I bet I taste like red wine right now.”

He flattened her body against his, barely giving her room to draw a breath. He was hard and he could feel her taut nipples pressing into his chest. He lowered his head. “I want to taste you…” He closed his eyes. “Your lips, your mouth, your honey on my tongue…”

She shivered as her hands slipped under his shirt. “Please, Jake…”

He knew what she was asking for, what she needed, but there was no way he could be satisfied with one kiss. Yet how could he let her go if he made love to her now? “Angel, I…”

She stepped back, sliding the crocheted cover-up off. She was wearing a turquoise string bikini that showed off her bronzed skin to perfection.

He had seen her in a swimsuit plenty of times before, but his body had never reacted like this.

She reached behind her, tugging on the string winding around her back.

He reached out to grab her arm. “No, Jess, we can’t do this here.”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “We could slip into the guest house.”

“What?” His mind was rallying against his libido, trying to talk him out of making a mistake, but his body appeared to be calling all the shots.

She grinned. “You remember that old building you and Tucker used to sneak into when you were teenagers? You’d smoke and drink and…”

Have sex.
Shit, he remembered they used to take girls there. “No, I don’t wanna go there.” Jess deserved so much better than that. She deserved candlelight and flowers and promises of forever. He couldn’t give her that, but at least he could give her a soft bed.

She looked crest-fallen. “You don’t?”

Damn it, he hated hurting her. “Jess, baby, I want to make love to you. You don’t know how much I want that, but I don’t want to hurt you. I couldn’t live with myself if…”

“Can I come to your house after the party tonight?” she whispered, taking a step toward him. “Please, just this once.” She closed her eyes. “I’ve imagined what it would be like for so long.”

Sex had been low on his list of priorities since the divorce, but he had needs and resisting a beautiful woman who claimed to be in love with him was proving damn near impossible. “Jess, I…”

“Please don’t say no.”

“Honey…”

She looked down at herself. “Why aren’t I woman enough for you, Jake? Why do you still see me as some little girl?”

She seemed so confused and vulnerable, it tore at him. How could he make her understand that she was too precious to waste her life loving him? “I don’t,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips. “You’re all woman. It may have taken me a while, but I can see that now.”

A faint smile echoed her sadness. “I guess that’s something.”

He was so torn. He wanted to make love to her tonight, more than he wanted to wake up tomorrow morning, but if he caused her any more pain, he couldn’t live with himself.

“I’ve been saving myself for you,” she whispered.

He heard the words, barely more than a hiss lost in the late afternoon breeze. “No.”

She nodded. “Yes. I didn’t want anyone else. I’ve never wanted anyone else; you must know that.”

“But there have been other guys. Surely you must have, they must have wanted to…”

“They did, but…” She sighed. “Some were angry because they knew I was saving myself for you.”

He muttered a curse. He didn’t know who he was angrier at, her for saving herself for him, those guys who berated her, or himself, for not realizing sooner that what she felt for him went way beyond some meaningless crush. “I know I should say that you shouldn’t have done that, but I can’t.”

“I want you to be my first, Jake.” She drew a deep breath. “I know you’re going to say that I should keep waiting until I meet the man I’m going to marry, but I don’t want to wait. I want it to be you. Please.” She dropped her head in her hand. “This is so humiliating, having to ask you to make love to me.”

He pulled her into the shelter of his arms. She was right, she should wait to give herself to her husband, but he couldn’t be that selfless. He wanted to claim that permanent place in her mind and heart that would always be reserved for her first lover,
him
. Even when she was old and grey, with children and grandchildren, she would look back on the man who took her innocence and remember him.

“Come to my house tonight.” He cleared his throat. He didn’t expect to be so emotional about this. “Send your date home, wait until the guests have left, and come to me.”

A smile split her sun-kissed face. “Really? You’re sure this is what you want?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t want a wife, and I don’t want to be a daddy again, but I do want to be your lover, at least for tonight.”

Her smile slipped and he knew she was disappointed. “Okay, I can live with that.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause if you can’t, if you change your mind after you’ve had a chance to think about it, I won’t blame you.”

“Jake, I’ve been thinking about this for the past ten years. I haven’t changed my mind in all that time. Trust me. I’m not gonna change my mind now.”

Chapter Five

Ava and Craig left the party early because he got called into work, so Jessica knew her friend would be home when she called.

“Guess where I’m going?” Jessica said in a sing-song voice when Ava picked up the phone on the second ring. It was late, but the adrenaline pumping through her veins made her feel like she’d just indulged in a pot of strong, black coffee.

“Uh, do I want to know? The way you’ve been acting lately, I’m almost afraid to ask.”

Jessica laughed, feeling happy and carefree. The night she’d waited for was finally here. “I’m on my way to Jake’s house. Before you say anything, he told me to come.”

“I guess seeing you with Noah today really got to him, huh?”

“That, and we had a long talk.” Jessica turned on her indicator to turn town the tree-lined street leading to Jake’s house. “I told him I’m in love with him.”

“Well, that couldn’t have come as a surprise to him, Jess. The whole damn town knows you’re in love with him.”

“True, but I also told him I’ve been…” Jessica was almost afraid to tell her friend the truth. “Saving myself for him.”

“You’ve what?” Ava shouted.

Thank goodness for speakerphone. Jessica wouldn’t have wanted to have the phone pressed against her ear at that moment. “You heard me.”

“Oh, honey, you can’t be serious.”

“Yeah, why do you say it like that?”

Ava sighed. “Sweetie, I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Uh, given my age, it’s not something I like to broadcast, Ava. It’s kind of embarrassing, if you want to know the truth.”

“Oh, but I’m sure Jake was thrilled to hear that bit of news, wasn’t he?”

Jessica pulled in behind Jake’s truck and cut her engine as she picked her Blackberry up and pressed it to her ear. “What are you talking about?”

“What guy wouldn’t want to hear that a gorgeous woman saved herself for him? My God, I can’t believe he’s going to take advantage of you like that. Don’t do it, Jess.”

Jessica’s was taken aback by her friend’s outrage. “What are you talking about? I want to do this.”

“Honey, is Jake going to give you what you want after you make love to him? Did he tell you that he’s ready for a relationship?”

No, the exact opposite, in fact. “No, but I’m okay with that.”