Lock and Key (31 page)

I knew in no way could anyone come along and just change it for you. There is no magic wand. There are no keys to that lock… not great fucking, not a few kind words nor the promise of a warm smile or a tight hug. Those can take the sting away, but to think anything more of them is stupid.

At least that’s what I always believed.

But now I wanted more of the fucking, the kind words, the warm smiles, the hugs.

I wanted them from Grace.

I wanted to rack them up, collect them, and keep them safe. I wanted to plunge into them and wrap myself up in them.

Wrap myself up in her.

That morning at the hotel in Watford City I had called Jump after I paid the bill in cash at the front desk. Grace was still sleeping in our room. I stood in that sun-filled lobby which stank of lemon cleaner and listened to Jump’s mumbling over the phone.

“Something’s going on between those two,” he said.

“Vig and Sister? Like what?”

“Fuck if I know what she’s been doing all these years. Why would Vig pull her in for a private one-on-one, especially after giving us the all-clear?”

I had to agree with him there.

“I don’t think he wanted private time with her for a trip down memory lane,” Jump muttered. “She must have something they’re after. Or she knows something. Maybe he wanted to put the fear of God in her. Only one way to find out what’s going on. Fuck. Our Vig problem has just taken on a new dimension.”

“Hang on, man, this is Sister we’re talking about.”

“Lock, she was Dig’s Old Lady. Don’t ever forget that. Those two were very tight ‘til the end. Don’t tell me a little bit of him didn’t rub off on her. No telling what’s really going on,” Jump grunted. “You get her back here, and we’ll keep her on ice. Butler’s been in Colorado the past two weeks, and I’m damn sure that on his way home, he’ll stop here to tap her ass. And I’m going to keep tabs on both of them.”

My nerve endings caught fire. “Back it up, what the fuck are you talking about… Butler and Sister?”

“How the hell do you think he ended up in the north when he started out down here with us?” Jump barked out a laugh. “That’s how the North Dakota chapter got really shaking, man. He was always breathing heavy over Sister, and Dig nipped that shit in the bud, reamed his ass. Butler took off and headed up north full of piss and steam. But business had to move along, and a couple years later he and Dig finally managed to play nice again. Then Butler hooked up with his Old Lady, and it was all good.”

I knew where this was headed. My fingers tightened around my cell phone.

Jump snorted. “Yeah, This is perfect. Butler and Sister can cry on each other’s shoulders, be fuck buddies. We just gotta pave the way.”

My pulse raced. “Pave the way? You’re going to manipulate her into this somehow? Put her out there?” I asked, my neck stiffening. “Jesus, you’re all efficiency, all the time, aren’t you?”

“You wanna keep breathing, that’s how you gotta be. Bring her home, Lock.”

This whole goddamn Butler mess had been brewing for years. Having to spy on a brother was a shit thing to do, but it had to get done. Now with all this Demon Seed crap rearing its ugly ass head because of Grace’s reappearance, I had to agree with my prez, it was a solid plan.

We just gotta pave the way.

And my goddamn nightmare.

The thought of Grace as the pawn in a play of Jump’s and also of Butler and Vig’s put me on a razor’s edge. Could she be hiding something?

I headed back up to our room with my gut twisted in a tight knot. I’d been looking forward to the ride home with Grace. Now I despised the very idea.

I was going to have to deliver the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me and my gnawed-on, bitter self on a silver platter to the club. Now that I finally had her—her whispers in my ear, her breath in my lungs, her tongue on my skin, her heart beating against my chest—I was going to have to let all that go, abandon my secret miracle. Yes, abandon her and stand back, watch and pretend I didn’t care. Abandon her like all the other men in her life. That’s how she would see it, and that killed me.

The blood drained from my head. I’d have to be the one to push her in front of the hurtling train and effectively re-connect her to her old life. Jump didn’t know about me and Grace, and I had to keep it that way. It was going to be up to me to make a move and quickly.

Christ, we were just starting to climb out of that ditch of the past together, and now I was going to have to let her drop right back in it and land in Butler’s fucking bed. Grace would figure it out eventually and despise me for it, wouldn’t she? I wouldn’t blame her one bit. I despised myself already.

My head sank against the door of our room, my hand tightened over the knob. This was it.

She noticed the change in me from the moment I walked back into the room. The light in her eyes dimmed, but she went with it, and I barreled on and got us on my bike. After we had finished a tense lunch where she needled me about my family history, and I somehow ended up telling her more than I had ever shared with anyone else, I finally got us back on the road. The less we talked the better, the less I looked into those fantastic eyes of her that constantly shifted in color from greenish-brown, to greenish-grey depending on her mood, the better. I pushed the bike into high gear, and my Harley surged forward. I held my breath for a split second.

There it was.

Her body slammed into mine. Her arms pressed tighter around me, but I had stopped myself from putting my hand over hers. She wasn’t mine anymore.

Certainly not after tonight.

Tonight
.

I got up from my bare mattress, stripped off my clothes, and got in the shower. I pushed at the cold water faucet. Shocking icy needles of punishment rained down on me.

Tonight, Butler had been all over her from the minute he got to the club, but I could feel her eyes on me. I knew I was going to have to provide the incentive for her to be with him although my every instinct was screaming the very opposite. I had to do this for my club, and it killed me. I would have to stomp on what was precious to me.

Iris and her new friend had climbed all over me, and I let them. As the night wore on I saw that sting all across Grace’s face, and it ripped a hole in my chest. But later, when I heard her uninhibited laugh and saw her draped all over Butler, it screwed with my head. Butler was no Dig, maybe one day he had been, but no more. He didn’t deserve a woman like Grace. She didn’t belong in his arms, she belonged in mine. I sent over the cup of ice with the lemon. Yeah, she got the message.

When she suddenly took off inside the clubhouse, I tracked her inside like I was going in for a kill. I pinned her to the wall. Her gorgeous smell and the feel of her warm, soft skin under my hands did me in. Would this be the last time?

Nasty, vile shit spewed out of my mouth. What I really wanted to do was get her on my bike and put thousands of miles between us and the club. But I lost control. I didn’t regret making her come on my fingers and moan my name. That was beautiful and sheer, ugly torture all at the same time. But it was mine. I was glad she slapped me; I deserved it and more.

Under the shower I scrubbed this entire freakish night and Iris off my skin. I wiped at the mirror and stared at my murky reflection.

Feeling any better now?

I would never feel better. I knew that the moment I saw Grace reappear in the courtyard twenty minutes after I had assaulted her. She had taken on the look of a hard, glamorous woman with a purpose. She got drunk. She was the life of the party. Butler had her in his arms, the two of them laughing and whispering together like some sort of couple. The sight of them made me choke. Then they left together, and I knew.

Mission accomplished. Well done, soldier. Yeah, I’m a damn good soldier, aren’t I?

Icy cold fingers pressed tighter around my throat. I grabbed Iris, headed for my room and shoved her face down on my bed.

“You going to blow your load inside one of those skanks now?”

Grace’s voice ricocheted in my soul and dared me on. I lasted two minutes inside of Iris. Grace’s urgent moans and her sweet smell clung to me still, and I detested myself all over again for lying to her, for driving her away, hurting her, stealing from her, disappointing her.

I hated myself for once again wanting what I couldn’t have.

I kicked the wet towel out of my way and slammed my dresser drawers shut. I jammed my legs into clean jeans, stretched a fresh shirt over my head. Didn’t make a difference. Still felt dirty.

Got to get out of here.

Socks. Boots.

My hands shook. I reached for my jacket.

I couldn’t get air in my chest. Everything was covered in a haze.

Keys.

I threw open my door.

Bike.

Road.

“Want you with me, Sister. You say the word. I’ll come down and get you,” Butler said.

I adjusted my sunglasses at the sight of Butler on his bike, his one hand at Grace’s waist. It was the Grace and Butler show… the big goodbye.

I had ridden back into the club by twelve noon. Butler’s crew was packing up and getting on their bikes. The girls were collecting their empty coffee cups.

Bear jerked his chin at me. “Where you been, bro?”

“Out,” I muttered.

“Butler, I can’t make plans now,” Grace said. “I need to be here for Ruby. I’ll give you a call, though, and, if I can, I’ll get in my car and come right up.”

“I’ll come get you,” Butler said. “I’d drop everything for you. You know that.”

“Even the coke?” she asked. “I don’t want to ride with you high.”

Butler’s face tightened. “I only ride sober, babe. I ain’t a fool.”

Bear smirked at me and shook his head.

“I’m just worried about you.” Grace rubbed a hand over his chest. “I want you to stay alive.”

Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah.

“Oh really?” Butler grinned at her. “So I can give it to you regular?”

Shut the fuck up.

He pulled her body in closer to his and whispered some shit in her ear. She let out a small laugh.

I gritted my teeth. Bear handed me a cup of coffee, and I took a swallow.

Butler kissed her. His hand slid down and gave her ass a squeeze, and then he finally let go of her sweet body. “Call me the minute you’re free to fly,” he said.

He strapped on his helmet and aimed his gaze at her as he throttled the engine and toed the kickstand. The roar blasted in the crisp autumn air, and the rest of his boys started up their bikes. Butler finally led his men and their women off the One-Eyed Jacks property and onto the asphalt.

Good riddance, motherfucker.

Grace stood there until they were no longer in sight. My face felt stonier than the four presidents’ on nearby Mt. Rushmore. Jump came up next to me. Grace strode past us without a word, without a look. A faint smile crept across Jump’s lips.

The urge to puke overwhelmed me. My heart thudded in my chest. My insides were torn, bloody, gutted.

What the hell have we done?

Motherfudgemycake.

“Where we headed now, ladies?” Dawes tapped out a beat on the steering wheel of Alicia’s Grand Cherokee. Bear stretched his legs in the front seat.

“To Lenore’s Lace, hon,” Alicia said.

Dawes’s eyes lit up. “No problem.” He shifted the vehicle in gear and swiftly turned out of the hospital parking lot.

Alicia turned to me and gave me a wink. “I want to take you shopping. Since we’re out, why let the opportunity go wasted?”

Alicia had brought me to the hospital with Bear and Dawes as our chaperones so I could visit Ruby. Jake was at the club with Mary Lynn and her kids and the rest of the guys.

“Shopping?” I asked. “I thought I was on lockdown?”

“It’s a boutique in Meager, two minutes from the club, and we’re riding with back-up,” Alicia said. “Sister, we worked hard putting together the bone marrow drive, and it did well. We deserve a treat. And I also think you deserve a few tasty bits to make your next time with Butler extra special.” Alicia clapped her hands together. “Oh, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you two hooked up. Long time coming. I’m really excited for you, hon.” She put her hand on my leg and leaned in closer to me. “He’s got a hole he just can’t fill. Frankly, I think you’re the only one who can do that for him. From what you’ve told me, you’ve been on your own a long time, too. I think it’s great that if you can get away, you take a few days and head up to North Dakota.”