Lizz Lund - Mina Kitchen 01 - Kitchen Addiction! (31 page)

“Yeah,”
she said.

“Well,
where to now?” Bauser asked, looking into the rearview mirror at me.

“Actually,
I think maybe Helena would like to meet my neighbor,” I said.

“Really? 
Why’s that?” she asked.

“Because
he’s your uncle,” I said simply.  Bauser nodded and we drove off, while Helena began to sniffle again.

CHAPTER 10

(Wednesday afternoon)

“You
just don’t
understand,” Helena sobbed.  “Wujek will kill me,” she wailed.

“Uh,
no, I don’t think he’s going to kill you,” Norman offered.

“Of
course not. What for?” Bauser added hastily.

“B-b-because
I had a BABY!” she wailed.

“Well,
these things happen,” Norman offered.

“And
the father’s not even POLISH,” Helena continued.  “Or JEWISH.”

“Well,
nobody’s perfect.”

Norman
shrugged.  Helena blew.  Jim
bayed a la beagle in support.

“Jim
bays?” I asked.

“Who
knew?” Bauser shrugged.

Huh. 
Figures. Just like every other guy I ever met, Jim has a thing for blondes,
too.

“When
I got pregnant, Pop sent me to a group home in Vermont for wayward shiksahs,” Helena explained.  “He wanted to shame me because the baby’s half-Irish.  But a week
later, Ma showed up and bailed me out.  We took a cabin on Lake Champlain for
the summer,” she added wistfully.  “That was a real happy time.  Ma was nice to
me.  It was a real first.”  I nodded empathetically.

“So
Ma and I decided to rent a condo in Burlington, near the hospital. At that
point, neither of us was speaking to Pop, anyway.  Especially after he told us
Uncle Vlad had Mickey locked up.”

Helena
started to sniffle again.  The
wad of used tissues in her lap grew from the size of a ping-pong ball to
something more like a baseball.

“I
had a beautiful baby girl, Marie, named after my Auntie Marie, may she rest in
peace,” she ended.

“So
where’s your kid now?” Norman asked nervously.

“Not
to worry; she’s with her Gramma and Grampy back in Bumville,” Helena said.

“I
guess you patched it up then?” I asked.

“Sure;
right after Marie was born, when I moved back.  I didn’t really want to,
though.” She paused and blew again.  “But I had enough of Vermont.  I really
hate snow.  And skiing.  I completely don’t get the downhill thing,” she said. 
“Bu the time I came home, Uncle Vlad had just – poof – left.  And Pop wouldn’t
say a peep.” Another tissue joined her growing collection.  “Later I visited
Mickey in prison with the baby, and he told me all about Uncle Vlad testifying
against him in court.”

“Jeez,
are you sure you want little Marie to, umm… visit Mickey in prison?” Bauser
asked.

“He
is her father,” Helena sniffed.  “And I don’t understand what the big deal was
about, anyway.  Don’t you think it’s a little extreme to put someone in jail
over some lousy unpaid traffic tickets?” she asked.

Traffic
tickets?  “Umm… yeah,” I said.  Oh boy

Bauser
forced the Aspire up Mt. Driveway, tugged at the emergency brake and shut the
motor off.  The car lurched back.  Norman and Bauser got out, and hauled me and
Helena and Jim out of the gulch what was Bauser’s backseat.  We shuffled to the
front door where Vito was already waiting, dressed up in a dark blue Armani
suit, light blue silk shirt and paisley tie.  He was even wearing his bridge.

Helena
gulped a breath, stepped forward,
and sobbed into her basketball of tissues.  Vito hurried down the steps and
engulfed Helena and her snotty ball in a big Uncle Vlad bear hug.

“Moja
mała mysz,” Vito said to the top of Helena’s platinum flaxen head.  We
weren’t sure what that meant, but it was obvious it wasn’t something bad.

“Oh,
Wujek!” Helena wailed.

Vito
– Vlad – held her and patted Helena on the back of her head.  We all sniffed a
little, too.  I sniffed mostly because Helena was snotting all over the lapels
of a perfectly good, and rarely used, expensive Armani suit.  Ma and Aunt
Muriel would have had a fit.

Ethel
came out red-eyed.  Either she was watching the same thing we were, or peeing
on her Instant Speedo Econo Pregometer (‘Like 2 kits in 1!’) pregnancy test
kits took a lot more effort than I’d reckoned.  Vito turned around as the
screen door shut, and noticed the rest of us.

Vito
mopped his brow with a meticulously folded handkerchief.  It turned orange. 
“Well, listen, Cookie,” Vito – Vlad – began to his niece, “I think we should
talk.  But in private like; not here out on the lawn.”

Helena
blew into another tissue and
added it to her mucoid medicine ball.  She looked at me, then Vito, and
nodded.  “I guess you don’t want to talk about family stuff in front of your
neighbor,” she said.

“Hey,”
Vito replied, “Mina’s more than just a neighbor.  Her and her aunt kind of took
me in, like.  As far as I’m concerned, she’s family.”

I
felt a tug at my heart.  Then I realized Jim was sitting pretty with his paw on
my chest.

I
also felt the usual crimped nerve in my spine.  I can’t help it.  Public
displays of familial affection make me a little nervy, unless there’s shouting
involved.  The crimp pinched with a vengeance.  I rubbed my butt.

Helena
started sniffling again.  Wasn’t
she getting dehydrated?  Vito winced.  He must have been thinking the same
thing.  Or maybe he was wincing because Helena had crumpled his very expensive
Armani handkerchief and merged it with her soggy wad.

“C’mon,
Cookie,” he said. “Let’s go inside, have a bite to eat, and catch up.”

Helena
sniffed and nodded.  She turned
to look at us, and then she started bawling again.

We
waved bye-bye at Helena and Vito.  Then I herded all my escorts into my house.

Vinnie
grrled and stretched hello at me.  Clearly things were not so uptight at my
house that Vinnie hadn’t been able to nap.  Then again, I had yet to find too
many situations that Vinnie couldn’t nap through.  Jim greeted Vinnie by
sniffing his butt.  This made Vinnie spring upward, fur sticking up in all directions,
especially his tail.  Hello, Afro Cat.

“What’s
wrong with her?” Bauser asked, thrusting his chin toward Ethel, who was blowing
her nose in the corner.

“Uh…
cramps,” I lied.

“Umm…
your, uh, little boys room is down here somewhere, right?” Norman asked.

“Yup,”
I said, and showed him the powder room.

“And
another’s upstairs, too?” Bauser asked.

“Uh,
yeah, right off my bedroom,” I said to Bauser’s sneakers heading up the
stairs.  I guessed Krumpthf’s has diuretic effects.  At least, I hoped that was
it, and not the effects of Meat! Meat! Meat! & More Meat! Personal Pie.

I
walked into the kitchen to find the counters lined end to end with pregnancy
kits.  “What the?” I asked.

Ethel
sniffed.  “Well, there wasn’t enough room in the bathrooms for them all.”

“Okay,”
I said.  “Well?”

“Every
friggin one of them says I’m
yùn fù
.”

“Huh?”

“I
had to look it up on the internet.  Y
ùn fù
is Chinese for pregnant woman,”
Ethel said.

“Oh.
Well, that’s great,” I said.  Ethel started to cry some more.  “Look, I’m sure Ike
was speaking in the figurative about Hansel and Gretel.  He’d never get rid of
them.  Especially now that this is a real situation, not a hypothetical one.”

“I
guess.  I don’t know.  They’d be too nervous in a foster home!” she wailed.  
“Hansel’s on a very strict diet.  It’s expensive.  Most people wouldn’t take
care of him like we do.” I gulped.  I wasn’t going to tell Ethel about the
donut crumbs if nobody else did.

Norman
came out of the powder room. 
“Mazel tov!” he said.

Ethel
sniffed.  “Thank you, I think…” she gulped.

“No,
really.  This is great news. You must be relieved all the tests had the same
results.” I stared blankly at Norman. “The pregnancy kits in the powder room
are all positive,” he said.  I looked him.  “Y
ùn fù
is Chinese for pregnant woman.
Our neighbors own the Rising Sun Chinese Restaurant.  We’ve had Dim Sum there
every Sunday for years.”

I
shook my head and looked at Ethel.

“Well
I wasn’t going to line them all up in the kitchen,” she said.

We
heard flushing from upstairs and then Bauser bounded back down. 
“Congratulations,” he said matter-of-factly to Ethel.  Ethel nodded and cried
some more.

“Where’s
Ike? What does he think?” I asked.

Ethel
shook her head and blew.  “Ike just dropped Vito off.  He said he wanted to go
to Pets-A-Million with Hansel and Gretel to look for new winter sweaters for
them, because they’re on sale…” She trailed off, trying to stifle a sob.

“Uh,
well, that’s nice,” I said.  Ethel sniffled some more.  “What is the matter
with you?”

“They
have adoption groups at Pets-A-Million… What if he gives Hansel and Gretel
away?” she wailed.

I
grabbed some paper towels, wet them with cold water, and threw them in her
face.  “Stop it!” I shouted neutrally.  Ethel wiped the cold wet towels across
her face, took a big breath, and then exhaled.

“Now
don’t be so stupid,” I said.  “Ike’s not that bad. Let’s just give him a little
time.  He’s probably just stocking up on Hansel’s diet food,” I said.

“Okay,”
Ethel sighed.

“And
if you’re wondering about how to tell him you’re pregnant, leaving these test
kits scattered all around the house sure would be a hint, even if you don’t
speak Chinese,” I said.

The
other shoe dropped. “Oh!” she said. Then she moved into hyper drive collecting
up the kits and throwing them in the garbage.

Bauser
grabbed a trash bag.  “I can’t stand family fights,” he said simply, and
pounced up the stairs.

Norman
shrugged, grabbed another
garbage bag and went into the powder room.

Before
long, all of the kits were disposed of, and we breathed a collective sigh of
relief.

Ike
walked in later with the Ratties.  The very, very fluffy Ratties.  Hansel and
Gretel looked like they had been given bad perms and tumble dried.  They were
also spectacularly dressed for some unknown occasion.  Gretel had a large dopey
red-sequined bow fastened to the top of her head.  Hansel sported a matching
dopey sequined bow-tie around his neck.  They both looked equally humiliated.

“Hey,
the Lancaster Pets-A-Million is great,” Ike said with a grin, taking Hansel and
Gretel’s leashes off of them.  The dogs immediately began tearing at their
respective bows.  “They’ve got a doggie day spa and everything.  I got Hansel
and Gretel manicures and pedicures, and a Fluff ‘n’ Phoof volumizing pooch
wash.  Don’t they look fluffy?” he asked proudly.

Hansel
lay down and put his paws over his head.  Gretel growled at Ike.

“Uh,
yeah,” I said.

“It’s
really neat,” Ike went on. “They’ve even got doggie hair dryers.”

“Really?
What are those like?” Bauser asked.  Jim growled.

“They
look like people hair dryers,” Ike said.  “But they say ‘just for dogs’ on
them.” Gretel growled some more.  “What’s wrong with her?” Ike wondered aloud.

“Maybe
her bow’s on too tight?” Norman asked.

“Hey,
has anyone heard from Ma?” I asked, trying to switch gears.  Ethel said she
had, and that the girls were having a girls’ day at Aunt Muriel’s.  “Great! I
mean, uh, that’s nice,” I started, “so we’ll just go have a look in on them,
right guys?” I hinted at Bauser and Norman.

“Oh,
right, yes,” Norman said, picking up his backpack and slinging it over his
shoulder.

“OH!
Right, yeah, need to stop by,” Bauser continued, catching on. 

“Great,
we’ll follow you,” said Ike.

“NO!”
Norman, Bauser, Ethel and I yelled at him.

I
said, “I mean, I’m sure you and Ethel haven’t had a quiet moment together since
you got here.  And you just got Hansel and Gretel back from the puppy spa
thingy.  You wouldn’t want all this humidity to defluff them, would you?”

“Why
don’t you just call her?” Ike asked practically.

“Uh…
we have to drop some things off to her anyway,” I said, as Norman and Bauser
walked toward the door with Jim.

“Like
what?” Ike asked to our backs.

“Us,”
Bauser said, and we all exited stage center, pronto.

We
piled back into Bauser’s car and slalomed off Mt. Driveway, dodging the traffic
island and careening across the cul-de-sac.  We turned onto Millersville Pike.

“Do
you really think Ike will make Ethel give up the Ratties?” Bauser asked.

“Naaa,
he’s just blowing smoke,” Norman said. “All guys say stupid stuff like that
before they have kids.”